Steven Spielberg, Will Smith Make Historic Pact to Dilute Bloody Korean Masterpiece

We think we might have found Bad Lieutenant’s successor for Unholiest Hollywood Remake: Steven Spielberg and Will Smith may partner to adapt the ultraviolent Korean revenge flick Oldboy for American audiences. DreamWorks will produce, Universal will distribute and Smith will reportedly star as a man seeking payback after 15 years of kidnapped captivity. And we will reserve judgement, though we have at least three good reasons not to.

Perhaps Smith is just looking for a new screen challenge after mastering his simulated-sex technique, but the kinetic bloodletting of director Chan-wook Park’s original — which came one Michael Moore doc shy of winning the Cannes Film Festival in 2003 — won’t likely wash with the mainstream. And the watering-down of legendary set pieces like those above won’t make friends with the genre geeks lunging into Universal City today with pitchforks and torches.

Also, [SPOILER ALERT] Americans don’t do incest subplots and ambiguous endings. These aren’t exactly tweakable story factors in Oldboy, though perhaps Spielberg can turn Smith’s daughter into an alien in some third-act reveal that dazzles us into FX submission. Again, fellas, take our benefit of the doubt, just don’t make us regret sharing it.

Either way, we know Smith doesn’t do live squid (link NSFW), and a California roll just won’t be the same. We’ve changed our mind: Stop this remake.

• Spielberg, Smith in talks for ‘Oldboy’ [Variety]