Meet Alwyn “Bones” Bailey, Australia’s New Hero

Sometimes, when it comes to human interest stories, the planets align, the moon is right, God and Allah smiles upon the newspapers of the world, and you get a perfect balance of story, context, quotes and unintentional comedy – so, celestially speaking, it must be a good day today: Australia, meet Alwyn “Bones” Bailey. The “concerned dad” has been quoted after his son Morgan, nine, was attacked by a rogue wallaby in far north Queensland, and I think I speak for the entire nation when I say “GIVE THIS MAN A TELEVISION SHOW, STAT”:

“It’s deadset serious. Someone should get a gun and shoot the buggers,” Mr Bailey said. “They’re not just friendly, cute little wallabies any more – they’re killers.”

[...]

“This big fella came out and Morgan started to run and he started chasing him, making this roaring noise,” Mr Bailey said. “Morgan was absolutely screaming his head off.

“I had to belt him (the wallaby) across the face twice, then he came at me – he had his claws up, shaping up like a little boxing man.”

(Incidentally, points also go to the Hun for their not-at-all sensationalistic headline, “Killer wallaby fear after boy, nine, attacked.”)

Fortunately that’s all we have from “Bones” in this instance, possibly because the reporter was doubled over, wheezing with laughter at his salt-of-the-earth genius. Maybe if Steve Irwin had “belted” that “little bugger” “across the face” – too soon? – we wouldn’t be relying on Bones for our Ozstrayan gold. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to shape up like a little boxing man.