College Football Fans Too Busy Adminstering Hand Jobs To Hit The Multiplex This Weekend

By Seth on September 9, 2008 at 5:00 AM

The official kickoff of football season was blamed for having taken a hefty bite out of the weekend box office, so we thought we’d take a moment to check in with what’s going on over at America’s other favourite spectator pastime. Ah yes, some wholesome college football—fun for the whole family. Even those kids on the rock are enjoying a spirited Texas/UTEP game, in “sparkling high-definiton on ESPN 2.” Uh…wait one second. Yo, announcer—could you give us a hand with that Telestrator and circle the offending region for us? Ah ha! Just as we thought! She’s giving that guy a hand job! We doubt theatre owners can compete with that kind of entertainment value; expect cushy, masturbation-friendly seats to premiere at the next ShoWest, replete with individual lube-pump dispensers and Handy Wipes holders.

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