And Special Guest Star Heather Locklear as Inmate #372CZF

Perhaps bereft that her former lover David Spade has found fatherhood in the fulsome embrace of a Playboy Bunny, actress Heather Locklear was arrested Saturday afternoon in Santa Barbara on suspicion of DUI. Booked in a local jail and released hours later, the Melrose Place alum was also fingered for being under the influence of a controlled substance (Janet Charlton is claiming that the actress is in the grips of a 20-year Vicodin addiction). While we’re certainly concerned about Locklear’s health, we have to admit we’re most curious about the dastardly pair of eyewear that apparently set the entire incident into motion:

“Around 4:30 p.m., a female witness saw Heather Locklear driving erratically while leaving a parking lot in Montecito,” California Highway Patrol spokesman Tom Marshall tells PEOPLE. “The witness said Locklear was revving her engine loudly, and backed over a pair of sunglasses several times.”

Soon after, the witness – who apparently didn’t recognise the actress – spotted Locklear, 47, stopped on a nearby highway, exiting her vehicle.

“The witness called 911 because she was concerned for Locklear’s safety,” Marshall said. “When a CHP officer arrived, Locklear was found seated inside her vehicle, which was partially blocking the roadway.”

Because Locklear appeared “disoriented and impaired,” she was taken to a local CHP station and drug and alcohol tests were administered, Marshall said. The actress was cooperative.

“Alcohol was ruled out as a factor, but based on the officer’s observations, we believe Locklear was under the influence of prescription medication,” Marshall added.

Had Locklear stumbled upon a pair of Ray-Bans worn by her rival Denise Richards, or was she repeatedly crushing Spade’s sunglasses in a female empowerment ritual worthy of Waiting to Exhale? Whatever the case, Locklear’s had a difficult year, with imaginary 911 calls and a trip to rehab already under her belt. Take all the time you need to get well, Heather — your job as president of D&D will still be secure when you get back.

• Heather Locklear Arrested on DUI Charge [People]