An Open Letter To Jess From The Veronicas
Dear Jess from out of The Veronicas,
According to the pulling-no-punches Daily Telegraph, you’re “not such a lesbian” anymore and you’re back together with your wang-owning ex Azaria, the formerly missing frontman of pissweak band The FolloW. You’ve been photographed canoodling with this fellow around Las Vegas and hanging out at Perez Hilton hosted parties, and I have to say…
Are you sure you aren’t interested in MTV VJ Ruby Rose? Really? Because she always seemed kinda cool, and Azaria is an absolutely massive tool. I think you should reconsider.
This one article provides me with at least (DIDO FANS ALERT: BRACE YOURSELVES) seven hundred examples as to why Azaria is a cock jockey.1. His real name is Daniel, but he changed it to Azaria. Why? I don’t care if it’s a Hebrew name which means ‘helped by God’, he’s either naming himself after a tragedy, or a voice from The Simpsons. Not good enough.
2. He says things like “I am in a cocoon of love’. No Azaria, you’re not. You’re in a cocoon of pretentiousness. Please emerge from it soonish so life can spray you with the Mortein of reality.
3. He also said “I really find the internet and phones very unnatural. I guess I am not good at life in that respect”. Let’s not beat around the bush here, Jess. Azaria fails at life. You’d never catch Ruby Rose muttering shit like “the internet and phones are very unnatural” now, would you? She’d be too busy meeting your sexual needs. SERIOUSLY I THINK YOU SHOULD CALL HER.
4. Azaria would like to change his band’s name to THEART. THEART. This revelation leads me to believe he is in dire need of urgent help lest he disappear up his own arse completely.
5. “I am in good spirits at the moment. I would like to keep that private and not add to all of the media attention so far” – yeah, right. Azaria may want to give his management a nice Christmas bonus this year. Their little “OMG HE GONE FOR REALZ! I FINK MAYB HE DUN SOMTHIN BAD COS HE V.V.CREATIV N SHIT!!1!” MySpazz appeal has certainly landed him and his band a shitload of publicity around the world. When dating a Veronica just isn’t enough, etc!
Jess, he has stupid hair and his music is unspeakably ordinary. Ruby Rose is fucking cool! PLEASE, IT’S NOT TOO LATE FOR YOU GIRLS TO WORK IT OUT! THE DAILY TELEGRAPH WILL CRY IF YOU DON’T!
Also: you may want to join the Facebook group “That Guy from The Follow Who Went Missing Is Probably A Dickhead” which was created by Defamer Australia reader Wiz, although I am fairly certain the time is ripe for a spin-off group where Azaria’s dickhead status is confirmed.
Yours,
Defamer Australia
PS: ‘When It All Falls Apart’ is genuinely one of my favourite songs. And Ally from The Spazzys’ too. So this letter comes from a place of love. CALL RUBY ROSE RIGHT NOW.
Comments
And don’t forget that Azaria was on series 3 of Popstars…and was beaten by Scott Cain. Oh, the horror….
@Annefrankenfurter: OMG, that’s right!! in the words of Celine Dion, it’s all coming back to me now. He really IS a dickhead.
Ruby is be a little less of a dick than Azaria, but Jess may prefer to share her sexual intimacy with males. Not females. Whilst it is true that Jess was photographed pashing Ruby in a pub, that was just a work requirement to generate “buzz”. It is very important to create “buzz” through any means possible since the Veronicas are not selling hardly any records just on the basis of their music at this point. So good on you Jess, you are a true professional.
Dear Jess,
2004 called and they were asking for their “Fake lesbo’s and noodz photo’s in conjunction with new album time publicity stunt” back.
Poor Ruby, it’s almost enough to drive her to men…fingers crossed.
ruby cool? whats ruby ever done besides kiss a popstar… oh she s got a tattoo, so alternative
hah, pick on people’s imperfections.
what a stupid artical! “he has stupid hair and music” …uh, grow up
I agree with this article! Jess can do SOOO much better than Azaria! He SUCKS!
HAHA this article is sooo true! i love it! azaria is such a wannabe who can’t sing and is a tranny. i mean really, he should just admit to it. he is so girly in an ugly way. go suck a dick zar and have it beaten in your face! :)
GO RUBY!!! RUBY FTW!!!!
agreed! and to think that ruby actually cared for jess, but jess ruined it. nothing new there, right? i’d gladly comfort miss rose ;)
best open letter ever
Go get a life. stop wasting your time talking bullshit about other peoples lives. its not your decision what chioces she makes.
Azaria isnt even a good singer
funniest open letter
azaria’s a douche bag
yeeaah go ruby!
I agree, What was she thinking, poor Ruby, totally used by Jess.. then Left for a man that looks like a woman, what a blow!!!
Ruby should have aimed higher.. I guess there are not enough lesbians out there.
Sorry guy that urgly dickhead is my mistake
i was drunk so i created him from shit!