An excerpt from a Gmail chat between Your Editor and Clem "CLAM BESTOF" Bastow just then.

Clem: I'm still LOL'ing at the "online blog"
Clem: What are some other alternatives - I wrote in my diary the other day, it's what the kids are calling a "paper blog"
Jess: Hahaha
Jess: I was telling a story the other day at the pub
Jess: You know, posting on my verbal blog
Clem: Hold on Jess, I might ring you - we need to update our telephony blog
Jess: My mother's on life support
Jess: or as i like to call it
Jess: her breathing blog

We'll go write some real stories now.

PS: We really shouldn't take the piss, you know. This version of the story disappointingly cuts out all mention of an online blog called defamer.com.au!

As reported yesterday, Carlton's Brendan Fevola was looking festive on Mad Monday when he hit the bars of Federation Square along with his teammates, donning a floral nightie, pink cloche hat and giant rubber dong that looked just precious with his eye colour. In a stunning development, the AFL (and the government, and the Australian Family Association, and...) has reacted with disappointment to the Blues' star's latest bout of public revelry (who can forget that old "pissing on the wall of the Police station" chestnut) and while they've not made it clear if they'll extend their "Mad Monday" party pooping (or is that "poopering"?) to the entire league, Victorian Premier John "No Fun" Brumby is hopping mad.

"You expect footballers to have a bit of fun and let off a bit of steam at the end of the year but you don't expect them to parade around Federation Square in public the way these footballers were.

Yes, yes, very good - now do you want to see VIDEO FOOTAGE of Fevola's comedy knob? Of course you do.

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Given that last year Sony BMG could barely bring themselves to sign Idol winner Natalie Gauci (and then half-heartedly offered a contract to Matt Corby, which he duly rejected), one could assume the grand old days of five or six finalists ending up with a deal of one form or another were well and truly over. But could the label be placing its bets on certain Idol '08 contestants' future success by cybersquatting, if you will, their official domain names? One eagle-eyed Defamer informant seems to think that's the case. So said the mysterious and no doubt handsome Robert in an email to us:

After watching the first episode I decided to look up some of the contestants domain names and found that Sony was the owner.

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Oh my GOD. This has to be one of the most amazing YouTube Clip Of The Day videos we've ever posted around these parts.

As described by the user who uploaded the footage, "This cat, as raised by a woman who is batshiat crazy, eats with a fork and chopsticks."

Yup, that's pretty much it.

I am gobsmacked and delighted.

All those hours spent with her Jamie Fawcett voodoo doll, tearing up his pretend cash and cutting up his pretend credit cards before jamming his pretend camera up his doll bot-bot, have finally paid off for Nicole Kidman, it would seem.

Her arch enemy Mr Fawcett, a notorious paparazzo, has just declared himself bankrupt.

Freelance photographer Jamie Fawcett has confirmed losing a defamation case which called Kidman as a star witness has proved his financial ruin.

With legal bills reportedly in excess of $1.6 million following the judgement against him earlier this year, Fawcett told Confidential yesterday he was formally bankrupted on August 29.

And how did all this come about? Apparently Jamie Fawcett didn't like the Sun-Herald referring to him as Sydney's "most disliked freelance photographer".

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Following on from yesterday's troubling report of a verbal spat between Neighbours star Carla Bonner and a Jetstar flight attendant, the Daily Telegraph has helpfully contacted the actress to see whether our tipster Daniel's version of events was an accurate account of the tongue lashing or whether it was, in fact, total bullshit.

We would have called you ourselves to do the same thing, Carla, but we don't have your number! Also, I'm on pre-paid and phone calls can really eat in to the thirty bucks, you know?

Here's what the Daily Telegraph had to report after their no expense spared investigation into the incident.

Neighbours' Carla Bonner was barred from catching a weekend flight for reportedly letting fly with a Gordon Ramsay-style spray over baggage. The angry actress, who plays Steph Scully on the Channel 10 soap, was intending to travel from Melbourne to Newcastle for an overnight trip with personal trainer boyfriend Jason Shepherd before she was grounded by Jetstar staff for her diva outburst at a check-in attendant.

The mother-of-two, who yesterday denied the particulars of the exchange...

Wait, what? It actually happened? Good lord, what an unexpected turn of events. I'm now gripped by this story, and we're the ones who broke it in the first place.

Back to the Tele:

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Until the inevitable reports that the whole thing was rigged to help square up with tax collectors in Michigan, we're more than happy to spread the all-call for a copy of a rumoured sex tape featuring Josh Hartnett and an unidentified lady friend in London. The duo was reportedly caught by closed-circuit security cameras during a tryst in a hotel library; a handful of spies gathered around, only to squirm in "awkward silence" as the rendezvous dragged on.

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After the announcement of teen bully and sook-face Demelza Reveley left Australia's Next Top Model viewers throwing their Foxtel remotes at the television in disgust, those on Team Tiny Mouth were at least able to be safe in the knowledge that none of the industry big wigs were really thrilled that Demelza was their new charge; Vogue Australia's Kirstie Clements even devoting an entire page of letters (from herself and readers) in the current issue, which features Demelza's winning shoot, to set the record straight. Said Team Tiny Mouth members will no doubt be supping on the sweet, sweet schadenfreude this morning, then:

Controversial Australia's Next Top Model winner Demelza Reveley was recently rushed to hospital after she fainted.

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Palin Fever: Celebrities the world over are fired up about potential VP Sarah Palin and eager to weigh in with the fruits of their opposition research. The latest multi-hyphenate to opine is Albert Brooks, writing on the Huffington Post under the barely disguised pseudonym "A. Brooks." "Do we want a president who cannot communicate to their own child that possibly having a baby a year after you get your driver's licence is not the smartest thing to do?" asks Brooks. "Is this the new way for women to break the glass ceiling? To have their daughters throw their babies at it?" Perhaps not, but it would sure make for a hilarious summer tentpole at 20th Century Fox! [HuffPo]

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While all of Hollywood waits with bated breath to hear the reaction to VP pick Sarah Palin from the only actress who matters — her doppleganger, Tina Fey — headline-friendly Lindsay Lohan has decided to wade into the political waters, spouting off her own, unsolicited thoughts on the matter from her Myspace celebrity blog. Now that Palin has revealed that her 17-year-old daughter Bristol is pregnant, she's become fair game for the Us Weekly set (indeed, she's snagged that cover as well as the front panel of OK!) — and who knows that territory better than Lohan?

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There's a place and time for discussing the inanity of movie lists — usually early January, right when the radius of critics' annual Top 10 circle jerk is at its widest. But a few prime exhibits pop up throughout the year as well, such as last weekend's Los Angeles Times feature selecting the top 25 Los Angeles films of the last 25 years. While we wouldn't begrudge the contributors' right to close out the late-summer news cycle as energetically as possible (we've all seen what happens when John Horn gets bored), the tactical and intellectual errors that occurred along the way are an unfortunate example of zeal gone horribly wrong.

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For months, the rumour mill has been buzzing that Whitney Port of The Hills (she of the goofy mugging and relatively drama-free lifestyle) would be receiving her own, New York-set MTV spinoff. Last night's Hills episode, then, seemed in many cases like a trial run for that series, as fearsome People's Revolution flack Kelly Cutrone sent Whitney to the Big Apple to do some model castings, eventually manipulating the gangly blonde into a date with a shaggy-haired hunk. Does Whitney have what it takes to assume centre stage, or is she forever destined to play curious second fiddle to the mothership series' Lauren Conrad? Remarkably (and with the help of videographer Molly McAleer), we were able to get our hands on a classified notes session smuggled from deep inside the bowels of MTV, and the candid reactions from execs Sheryl Rather-Wexler and Kip Finkelberg Jr. may shed some new light on Whitney's primetime viability. Godspeed, girl. [MTV]

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When you think of opera, be honest, you start to nod off a little bit. Well, David Cronenberg is about to change all that. The director who made the more watchable of the two Crash movies has turned his 1987 cult classic, The Fly, into a full-blown opera. It's getting its US premiere this weekend at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion and, for some reason, Cronenberg agreed to tell Defamer all about it. Join us after the jump as the notoriously oddball auteur opines on everything from the Oscar race to who's freakier, him or David Lynch.

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And just like that, the Telluride Film Festival is over — the sequestered Colorado tradition known for anointing and/or unveiling awards-season front-runners en route to Toronto and beyond. But with no Juno this year to charm visiting critics and distribution bosses alike, Labour Day came and went instead with rangy early takes on The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, David Fincher's long-awaited (and reportedly just long) saga of Brad Pitt aging backwards. While we had pretty much gotten used to the film's stirring Spanish-language trailer, a few closer reads of previews emerging from the Rockies suggest the final result might be a little more complex: Extraordinary digital effects! Romance! And, alas, disappointment:

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Most celebrities only announce a stint in rehab after undergoing a very public flame-out, so when David Duchovny offered last week (apropos of nothing) that he was being treated for sex addiction, gossip hounds went wild trying to figure out the reasons why. One columnist hot on the case is Fox News gadfly Roger Friedman, last seen trying to put the blame for the Harry Potter delay on star Daniel Radcliffe's magic wand. After a little digging, Friedman got to the bottom of some of the more scurrilous rumors:

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We're nothing if not realists, and we know that Disaster Movie's unfortunate timing — opening on the three-year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina (and three days before Hurricane Gustav's landfall) — and tepid $7 million four-day opening won't likely kill the spoof franchise the way discriminating audiences might hope. But even as the stakes plunge for its purveyors at Lionsgate, the series represents a boon of potential for stories like this one from Houston, where a noted critic's selfless attendance at a midnight screening offered a revelatory new perspective on the movie's bladder-challenged target audience:

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As Esquire once famously teased, "Kevin Spacey Has a Secret," and now, finally, that secret has come to light: he's a good samaritan! Already notorious for a well-intentioned, late-night dog walking that turned ugly in the most homoerotic way, the actor was snapped this weekend in Croatia enacting a "pay it forward" so unorthodox that it would make even a newly R-rated Haley Joel Osment blush. Says The Sun:

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Just when we thought America had narrowly averted tragedy over the long weekend, word arrived this morning that voice-over legend Don LaFontaine died Monday of complications from a collapsed lung. He was 68. LaFontaine voiced more than 5,000 trailers and 350,000 commercials in his career, which began by accident in 1965 when he provided a last-minute fill-in for an MGM radio spot. He continued on as an independent artist and eventually joined Paramount in 1978 as head of trailer production — the time during which he became known as the "voice" of the studio and oversaw his favourite trailer, for 1980's The Elephant Man. He had long since returned to independent production, most famously working on-camera last year as a pitchman for Geico.

But around Defamer HQ we have our own LaFontaine high point (viewable after the jump), and we're sure he would have agreed if only he could reconsider. May this proud son of Duluth, Minn., rest in peace; if they had any shame, the Republicans just down the road would put off another GOP Convention day in the spirit of quiet remembrance. [ETOnline]

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While it's hardly a secret that embattled NBC chief Ben Silverman likes to party, never have his carousing ways received the sort of harsh buzz dealt out this weekend by Nikki Finke, who spent the better part of a blockbuster post detailing how Silverman's antics are about to cost him his job. No, seriously this time! According to a variety of anonymous NBC sources, Silverman is the network's very own Man Who Wasn't There, missing meetings on a regular basis and spending the entire, crucial month of August in Beijing while his colleagues expected him to decamp for a week at most (in all fairness, those Ryan Seacrest remotes weren't going to tape themselves!). However, it seems that the NBC chief's biggest problem is EVP Teri Weinberg, a Silverman protege whose romantic involvement with an NBC showrunner caused upward-failing NBC Universal head Jeff Zucker to step in and terminate that writer's deal:

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Rising and shining today after a long, lucrative season of hits and hits and hits — the second richest on record, we're told — what better way to welcome fall than with a hungover glimpse at the Labour Day weekend's multiplex triumphs? Another day off, you say? We're afraid we can't help you there, so for now, behold your Tuesday Morning Box Office:

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