The Blind Item Express Makes A Stop In Closeted-Heartthrob Rapesville

Caution: Like an old-school, deep-fried McDonald’s cherry pie, contents of this blind item—courtesy of Page Six—are so scaldingly hot, they will likely burn through every layer of the skin on the roof of your mouth until you’ll swear you’re touching bone. Ah—but the hurt; it hurts so good:

WHICH hunk in a summer movie is a violent, closeted homosexual?

The heartthrob snuck into his ex’s apartment a few months ago and raped him so violently, the ex ended up in the hospital – and the actor paid him $500,000 to keep his mouth shut…

This shouldn’t be too hard to figure out. With the “summer movie hunk” clue in hand, we can instantly eliminate a vast number of suspects—everyone from Anthony Hopkins to Jack Black—until we begin to hone in on a group of potential assailants, numbering no more than ten. We’re leaning towards the Hulk—he just seems the type—but we wouldn’t put it past several other hunks. Particularly that deceptively Simple Jack; we couldn’t quite put our fingers on it until now, but there’s definitely a simmering rage lurking ‘neath that bowl cut.

• JUST ASKING [NY Post]