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The Blind Item Express Makes A Stop In Closeted-Heartthrob Rapesville
Posted by Seth at 4:25 AM on August 19, 2008
Caution: Like an old-school, deep-fried McDonald's cherry pie, contents of this blind item—courtesy of Page Six—are so scaldingly hot, they will likely burn through every layer of the skin on the roof of your mouth until you'll swear you're touching bone. Ah—but the hurt; it hurts so good:
WHICH hunk in a summer movie is a violent, closeted homosexual?
The heartthrob snuck into his ex's apartment a few months ago and raped him so violently, the ex ended up in the hospital - and the actor paid him $500,000 to keep his mouth shut...
This shouldn't be too hard to figure out. With the "summer movie hunk" clue in hand, we can instantly eliminate a vast number of suspects—everyone from Anthony Hopkins to Jack Black—until we begin to hone in on a group of potential assailants, numbering no more than ten. We're leaning towards the Hulk—he just seems the type—but we wouldn't put it past several other hunks. Particularly that deceptively Simple Jack; we couldn't quite put our fingers on it until now, but there's definitely a simmering rage lurking 'neath that bowl cut.
- JUST ASKING [NY Post]
Comments (AU Comments · US Comments)
There are currently no AU comments for this post.
gaynyernbama
Posted 5:16 AM 19/8/08
If he is the hunk in controversy is really a hunk, then it is not rape.
gaynyernbama
Sweet Panda Love
Posted 5:16 AM 19/8/08
What, am I the only one thinking Tom Cruise?
Sweet Panda Love
WGARefugee
Posted 5:15 AM 19/8/08
Hmm, Myers not a hunk. Stiller married with naturally conceived children. Brendan Fraser, married with naturally conceived children. Jason Stathan, stole Kelly Brook from me just as my obsessed fan letters were starting to work.
I'll have to go with the action star who took ballet lessons as a child, with a candlestick, in the billiard room.
WGARefugee
Juancho
Posted 5:15 AM 19/8/08
@Huge Tracts of Land: that mean's it RDJ. He went ALL THE WAY for Tropic Thunder.
Juancho
Nomi Malone
Posted 5:10 AM 19/8/08
@ColbertNation: bless you. i'm glad i'm not the only sick puppy around here.
Nomi Malone
Mabimab
Posted 5:02 AM 19/8/08
RDJ. Seems like the "I took two Ambien and sleep-raped my gay BF," type.
Mabimab
Huge Tracts of Land
Posted 5:00 AM 19/8/08
Violently gay? Like slap you across the face with a big black dong violently gay? Newsflash, straight people can hit you with a big black dong across the face.
(Answer: Mike Myers?)
Huge Tracts of Land
OldTowneTavern
Posted 4:48 AM 19/8/08
What?!? Good heavens, Page Six just made the Enquirer blush.
OldTowneTavern
gwendolyn
Posted 4:40 AM 19/8/08
What kind of violent are we talking about here? Mistreat your mum and sis so badly they sic the tabloids and the Bobbies on you violent? So violent you break into houses in the Valley and sleep off your drugs? So violent you actually can date Courtney Love and live to tell?
We needs facts, data, spreadsheets, emails!!
gwendolyn
TimGunn
Posted 4:38 AM 19/8/08
@ColbertNation: But you'd get the rape and the $500,000. JACKPOT!
TimGunn
ColbertNation
Posted 4:34 AM 19/8/08
It's obviously Christian Bale. Oh, I'd give my left testicle for him to violently rape me. Mmmmm, that's good sodomy!
ColbertNation
juniperjenny
Posted 4:28 AM 19/8/08
Jesus! That's not my guess. Just an exclamation.
juniperjenny
A Pimp Named DaveR
Posted 4:28 AM 19/8/08
WALL-E
A Pimp Named DaveR
Imnotatnbc
Posted 4:26 AM 19/8/08
Pierce Brosnan!
Imnotatnbc
rtisovec
Posted 5:39 AM 19/8/08
I'd hate to think that it was Robert Downey Jr, because if he was still in character from Tropic Thunder, it might be another case of an interracial hate crime. This would clearly prove all of the conspiracy theories.
rtisovec
kookla
Posted 5:35 AM 19/8/08
Gosh, it's as plain as the nose on my face. Colin Firth. Don't let all that prancing about in Mama Mia fool you.
kookla
juniperjenny
Posted 5:29 AM 19/8/08
@fanofshortcircuitremake: That's not bad.
juniperjenny
TurdBlossom
Posted 5:27 AM 19/8/08
Read between the lines, RDJ, Norton, and Stiller not violent (and not big enough - not like that you sick puppies - to be able to smack someone around) Bale on the other hand, is 6'2' and looks like he could get rough.
Mmmmmm-rough.
TurdBlossom
fanofshortcircuitremake
Posted 5:23 AM 19/8/08
James Franco.
fanofshortcircuitremake
crackbabyjesus
Posted 5:18 AM 19/8/08
Mr. Smith goes to Rapeytown. Will Smith, that is.
crackbabyjesus
gaynyernbama
Posted 5:17 AM 19/8/08
I meant to say, "If the hunk in controversy..." Oh, Mondays...
gaynyernbama
jessedir
Posted 5:52 AM 19/8/08
I would've guessed Mike Myers, though, as a poster pointed out above, he is hardly a "hunk," and he certainly didn't star in any summer blockbuster.
jessedir
NoGrumpys
Posted 5:48 AM 19/8/08
Morgan Freeman anyone?!
NoGrumpys
mexiback
Posted 5:48 AM 19/8/08
@WGARefugee: The guy can be married. That's where the majority of closeted homosexuals can be found.
mexiback
Lebenskunstlerin
Posted 5:45 AM 19/8/08
The suggestion over at Gawker is that it's Vin Diesel.
Lebenskunstlerin
CatherineTrammell
Posted 6:28 AM 19/8/08
Duh. You all are so off. It's clearly Kung Fu Panda.
CatherineTrammell
misterdirky
Posted 6:08 AM 19/8/08
Jason Statham - he looks like Moby and has appeared in both The Bank JOB and The Italian JOB. Up next is The Rim Job, The Salad Tossing Job, and The I'll Blow Your Fucking Head Off If You Tell Anyone I Violently Raped You So Here's $500K Until I Violently Rape You Again Job.
misterdirky
Huge Tracts of Land
Posted 6:34 AM 19/8/08
Also yeah, what the fuck was I thinking. Myers isn't a hunk! I'm siding on the RJDJr. tip now. He's a dude disguised as a straight dude disguised as a dude playing another dude.
Huge Tracts of Land
Huge Tracts of Land
Posted 6:34 AM 19/8/08
H@misterdirky: Dood, have you noticed that he's actually in the sequel to the Italian Job, called THE BRAZILIAN JOB? What, is it about bikini areas? And, are they being serious?
Huge Tracts of Land
Little Mintz Sunshine
Posted 7:17 AM 19/8/08
Well, Aaron Eckhart hasn't proposed to me yet so I'll just mention that he did play character named Two-Face...
Little Mintz Sunshine
Huge Tracts of Land
Posted 7:07 AM 19/8/08
@misterdirky: I want to sniff around the Dude Chute! Sounds fun. And fragrant.
Huge Tracts of Land
misterdirky
Posted 7:06 AM 19/8/08
@Huge Tracts of Land: My ex was RDJ's assistant and I never heard anything about him sniffin' round the Dude Chute. Quite the opposite.
misterdirky
WGARefugee
Posted 7:32 AM 19/8/08
So the fact that my copious research uncovered the fact that Christian Bale took ballet lessons as a child means nothing to you people?
@mexiback: Even when there's natural as opposed to handmaid's-tale-style procreation?
WGARefugee
everfade
Posted 8:03 AM 19/8/08
Im gonna guess Christian Bale only because I want his body in a major way.
Also does "violent rape" mean a rape with no lube or just some spit? (Don't answer that)
everfade
TryThisAtHome
Posted 8:29 AM 19/8/08
Anthony Michael Hall? Although I know nothing about him and he's not on my hunkdar.
TryThisAtHome
IKnowThings
Posted 8:25 AM 19/8/08
$500,000 is a lot of cash. Whoever the hunk is, they have to have a lot of dough. So, not James Franco, or that guy that looks like Moby. I like the Vin Diesel guess. And isn't Brendon Fraser divorced and a big coke freak? I'll guess him too.
IKnowThings
mmstk101
Posted 8:56 AM 19/8/08
@IKnowThings: I second (third? fourth?) the Vin Diesel guess. If only because he's super hot.
mmstk101
MrRewrite
Posted 8:56 AM 19/8/08
i have it, i have it: John McCain.
Oh, wrong movie. Seriously, what about Mosely the guy who placed prince caspian of narnia? there's like 15 tentpole summer mongo movies to choose from. Franco likes franks, but I don't see him as violent - he's studying lit at UCLA for chrissakes.
MrRewrite
CatherineTrammell
Posted 8:55 AM 19/8/08
Please - James Franco couldn't rape a Krispy Kreme. He's about as buff as a 12 year old girl.
CatherineTrammell
epiclulz
Posted 8:45 AM 19/8/08
It's gotta be James Franco. though I wouldn't pick him for violent. closeted homo, yes. violent, not so much. But you never know...
epiclulz
Barbarella
Posted 9:22 AM 19/8/08
To answer it JEOPARDY style... "Who is Will Smith?"
Barbarella
WGARefugee
Posted 9:16 AM 19/8/08
What if a person just prefers to fantasize about European women? That's okay, right? I'm asking for a friend who doesn't own a computer.
WGARefugee
kidvicious
Posted 9:10 AM 19/8/08
I highly doubt it's RDJ. Dude is a total oversharer in interviews, doesn't hold back on anything. If he was gay, I don't think he'd bother with the closet.
What about Kiefer?
kidvicious
MrRewrite
Posted 9:04 AM 19/8/08
Wikipedia claims Diesel has a baby with his GF, but 'prefers dating in Europe' where he's less likely to be recognized...
Mr. Speaker, the great state of confusion votes for Diesel.
MrRewrite
Trixie from Toronto
Posted 9:04 AM 19/8/08
@WGARefugee: Naturally conceiving children does not rule out being secretly gay. As someone over to the east, yon Gawker way, said earlier: It's a preference, not a disability.
I never trusted that Stiller fellow.
Trixie from Toronto
aspiringexpatriate
Posted 10:26 AM 19/8/08
@Barbarella: I mean, the characters name was Hancock and he loved meatballs.
Just saying.
aspiringexpatriate
ge90036
Posted 11:58 AM 19/8/08
I do believe Lost Boys 2: The Tribe just came out on DVD. Pick a Corey. Any Corey.
ge90036
Trixie from Toronto
Posted 12:29 PM 19/8/08
@Little Mintz Sunshine: I love Aaron Eckhart and I refuse to believe it's him. I'll believe Ben Stiller before I believe it's Eckhart. Hey .... wait .... wasn't Tom Cruise in that Stiller movie? But isn't he too short to violently rape anyone? I could take him handily.
Trixie from Toronto
bigleggedwoman
Posted 2:19 PM 19/8/08
@kidvicious: then he's the picture of discretion.
Don't get me wrong, I love *LOVE* the guy.
bigleggedwoman
bigleggedwoman
Posted 2:17 PM 19/8/08
@misterdirky: You are
k-i-d-d-i-n-g,
right?
bigleggedwoman
regisgoat
Posted 4:43 PM 19/8/08
I really like Diesel for this one. He's just the right level of famous for it. If it was Bale, $500,000 wouldn't have bought enough silence.
regisgoat
StratfordX
Posted 7:37 PM 19/8/08
@regisgoat: beat me to it. the second part about the rape and the cover-up seems a bit much...
StratfordX
LittleMissPartlyCloudy
Posted 9:47 PM 19/8/08
LMPC's knee-jerk response - Bale. But Matty M. is the guy.
LittleMissPartlyCloudy
misterdirky
Posted 1:04 AM 20/8/08
@bigleggedwoman: Hey, man, crazier shit's happened than Jason Statham violently raping his gay lover before making it rain over his bloodied carcass with 500 bones.
misterdirky
neptunestar
Posted 7:30 AM 19/8/08
Aaron Eckhart -- hunky with the rage of Chad simmering beneath the surface. Remember In the Company of Men? Aaron played Chad a little too well.
neptunestar
FranklyScarlet
Posted 1:45 AM 21/8/08
@WGARefugee: ...with the butler!
FranklyScarlet
sissypooch1
Posted 5:17 AM 19/8/08
curtis johnson. The homosexual part gave it away
sissypooch1
hitchenaride
Posted 12:35 AM 24/8/08
couldn't rape a krispy kreme - good one!@CatherineTrammell:
hitchenaride
FranklyScarlet
Posted 4:33 AM 24/8/08
It is so obviously KEANU!
FranklyScarlet
Lulamaybelle
Posted 1:34 PM 24/8/08
Emile Hirsch?
Lulamaybelle