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'Jennifer Aniston's Body Is A Wonderland, But I'm More In The Mood For A Six-Flags Groupie Adventure,' Admits John Mayer
Posted by Seth at 5:15 AM on August 19, 2008
We've been made vaguely aware that there recently existed some sort of romantic entanglement between preternaturally unlucky in love Friends star Jennifer Aniston and female-anatomy-as-human-amusement-park-rhapsodizing troubadour John Mayer—and that it has ended, badly. Our condolences go out to both of them, but particularly to Aniston, about whom we're really starting to believe that one-eyed Gypsy woman who grabbed us on a Melrose sidewalk, wagging a gnarled finger in our face as she warned: "Mark my words—Jennifer Aniston will die alone!" before vanishing into a nearby alleyway.
We've been made vaguely aware that there recently existed some sort of romantic entanglement between preternaturally unlucky in love Friends star Jennifer Aniston and female-anatomy-as-human-amusement-park-rhapsodizing troubadour John Mayer—and that it has ended, badly. Our condolences go out to both of them, but particularly to Aniston, about whom we're really starting to believe that one-eyed Gypsy woman who grabbed us on a Melrose sidewalk, wagging a gnarled finger in our face as she warned: "Mark my words—Jennifer Aniston will die alone!" before vanishing into a nearby alleyway.
In any case, an emotionally agitated Mayer was approached on the streets of Manhattan by reporters hoping for a word on two on the breakup. Mayer then offered them more material than they had ever hoped for, turning the tables on the stunned-speechless gossip hounds by insisting they print the truth (for once!), instead of spinning scurrilous hearsay into cover line gold. Unfortunately, he sticks around about two minutes too long; by the time he offers, "I don't waste people's time...I'm just being honest, yo....Let's poll the people around us and see if my theory is right that 20% of them would have liked to have dumped Jennifer, too—they just didn't have the guts!" things just start getting uncomfortable for everyone involved.
Comments (AU Comments · US Comments)
Dee
Posted August 20, 2008 10:14 AM
Hi I'm Jenn Aniston...John Mayer is missing a sensitivity chip. Ooops did I say that about someone else already? I meant to say can Oprah schedule me for a sit down so that I can say I didn't see this break up coming as well show & profess to the world that since the breakup I'm better looking & happier than I've ever been!
misterdirky
Posted 5:50 AM 19/8/08
He's 100% stoned. But you know what, he seems like a pretty cool dude/fingerer/guy.
misterdirky
EuroDad
Posted 5:48 AM 19/8/08
and still i wait Jen. and still i wait...
EuroDad
jasonelias
Posted 5:42 AM 19/8/08
@kookla: I think the lack of his "sensitive guy" hair makes his announcement that more traumatic.
jasonelias
jasonelias
Posted 5:41 AM 19/8/08
Save it for the stage, Romeo.
jasonelias
kookla
Posted 5:39 AM 19/8/08
If Mayer hadn't already shaved off his head, I would say he was headed for a Spears-like meltdown.
kookla
TillieHarper
Posted 5:35 AM 19/8/08
I would like to say, that I would have rathered that my ex had been honest, instead of beginning his next relationship while he was still in one with me. What Mayer did, is what I had always asked of my ex. At least he's honest.
TillieHarper
OldTowneTavern
Posted 5:33 AM 19/8/08
So, If she were the 415th smartest, sophisticated and wonderful woman in the world, he would have been more inclined to stick around?
Anyway, I weep not for Aniston. There are worse fates that can befall a woman than having sex with attractive man after attractive man for all eternity.
OldTowneTavern
Old No.7
Posted 5:32 AM 19/8/08
What a co-incidence that her next film project is called "He's Just Not That Into You."
Co-starring Justin Long. Who just broke up with Drew Barrymore.
Start the rumor mill!
Old No.7
RonMwangaguhunga
Posted 5:31 AM 19/8/08
oh dear.
RonMwangaguhunga
Trixie from Toronto
Posted 9:00 AM 19/8/08
I hope poor Jen manages to get the urine stains out of her 400-count Egyptian cotton sheets.
Trixie from Toronto
wrongsideofthefox
Posted 10:19 AM 19/8/08
I guess this means the baby is off.
wrongsideofthefox
mrsryan
Posted 11:08 AM 19/8/08
Wow, talking to TMZ and "not wasting people's time" seems like kind of a conflict of interests. Also, I call bullshit. This is a preemptive 'I'm the one who did the dumping!' ploy. Nice try, John.
mrsryan
Lulamaybelle
Posted 11:22 AM 19/8/08
You are wasting my time John. Now go away.
Lulamaybelle
Trixie from Toronto
Posted 12:31 PM 19/8/08
@mrsryan: What I find interesting is that his breakup with sweet dumb Jessica Simpson was much quieter and, apparently, kinder. He never trash-talked her publicly, although apparently he did a number on her self-esteem with his demands that she lose the blonde and allow him to piss on her frequently. Classy guy!
Trixie from Toronto
Good Crazy...
Posted 6:40 PM 19/8/08
Meh I say, Meh!
Good Crazy...
Lala11_7
Posted 10:21 PM 19/8/08
You know...there are few men out there that I would love to open up a large can of "whup dat ass" on...because they personify the inhumane charteristics of a rodent that lives somewhere deep in the bowels of the Amazon forest...
John Mayer is on that very short shit list...
I mean, what a ho...and I mean, a cheap, garden variety, Wal-mart band ho too...
Lala11_7
Trixie from Toronto
Posted 11:10 PM 19/8/08
@Lala11_7: He is vile.
Trixie from Toronto
Tooson
Posted 5:06 AM 20/8/08
I had a mili-second where I thought he was a decent human because Dave Chapelle approved and well...then I had to approve too.
However, that guy is an unadulterated douche and I pray and pray that Karma will render him peenless.
....at the very least.
Tooson
ThisIsEverything
Posted 5:26 PM 20/8/08
Honest on the way in = I told you I can't commit
Honest in the middle = I told you I can't commit
Honest on the way out = I told you I can't commit
Honest with the paparazzi = Fame whore
ThisIsEverything
Mrs.LenGrossman
Posted 11:05 AM 19/8/08
What I find particularly interesting about his utterly voluntary and meaningless rant is that he is able to use the word "belie" but not the words "former" and "latter". Strange.
Mrs.LenGrossman
UritBabbas
Posted 9:31 AM 19/8/08
i want to like his music now. he's just some guy, like every other guy. good for him.
UritBabbas
cakeday
Posted 6:16 AM 19/8/08
I just can't get past "put a mirror in every Us Weekly" and whether or not it would actually cost one million dollars to do it. I know what I'll be researching the rest of the work day.
cakeday