RSS Feeds
In Space, No One Can Hear Heidi Montag Sound Like Shit
Posted by Seth at 7:20 AM on August 27, 2008
There will come a day—maybe not in the near future, or even the distant future, but perhaps thousands and thousands of years from now—when the significance of the early 21st Century pop-cultural phenomenon known as The Hills will make itself fully known. At that time, trillions of shipbound lifeforms coasting through the universe will already have been hard at work, tending slavishly to their Heidi and Spencer Pratt Solemnity Shrines and anointing young LC-alikes in dabs of Suddenly, Audrina—the most seductively floral of all Official The Hills Scents—before sacrificing the virgins to the mighty reality Gods ensconced atop Mt. Bolthouse. Doing so will inch them ever closer to utter and complete, like, enlightenment. In the meantime, however, artifacts like the one above will remain nothing but mysteries, wrapped in enigmas, stuffed into leotards, and adorned with deeply symbolic terrycloth headbands. Tomorrow never dies. We wanna live forever. Let us hear your bodies talk.
There will come a day—maybe not in the near future, or even the distant future, but perhaps thousands and thousands of years from now—when the significance of the early 21st Century pop-cultural phenomenon known as The Hills will make itself fully known. At that time, trillions of shipbound lifeforms coasting through the universe will already have been hard at work, tending slavishly to their Heidi and Spencer Pratt Solemnity Shrines and anointing young LC-alikes in dabs of Suddenly, Audrina—the most seductively floral of all Official The Hills Scents—before sacrificing the virgins to the mighty reality Gods ensconced atop Mt. Bolthouse. Doing so will inch them ever closer to utter and complete, like, enlightenment. In the meantime, however, artifacts like the one above will remain nothing but mysteries, wrapped in enigmas, stuffed into leotards, and adorned with deeply symbolic terrycloth headbands. Tomorrow never dies. We wanna live forever. Let us hear your bodies talk.
Comments (AU Comments · US Comments)
There are currently no AU comments for this post.
Colonel Mustard
Posted 8:10 AM 27/8/08
This just ruined life.
:(
Colonel Mustard
LargeMarge
Posted 8:00 AM 27/8/08
Heidi is the new Brenda Dickson...only less tasteful.
LargeMarge
TurdBlossom
Posted 7:49 AM 27/8/08
Heidi Montag - living proof that the occasional turd floats to the top (so to speak)
TurdBlossom
Oxycontinmoron
Posted 7:44 AM 27/8/08
Even though no one may be around to smell it, I assure you, when a bear shits in the woods, it stinks.
Oxycontinmoron
Old No.7
Posted 7:44 AM 27/8/08
The Infinite Monkey Theorem states that an infinite number of monkeys, with an infinite number of typewriters, and an infinite amount of time, could eventually write the works of Shakespeare.
Up until that point in time, however, they would fling their own shit at each other, and produce videos like this.
Old No.7
mmstk101
Posted 7:44 AM 27/8/08
I . . . I can't even fathom how anyone thought this was a good idea . .
/head explodes
mmstk101
OneWag
Posted 7:41 AM 27/8/08
Is there a junior college revival of "Flashdance" I didn't hear about?
OneWag
Huge Tracts of Land
Posted 7:37 AM 27/8/08
I'm John McCain, and I approved this message.
Huge Tracts of Land
chuchana
Posted 7:30 AM 27/8/08
The way she opens her mouth...Ugh, I can smell her breath.
chuchana
the.munson
Posted 8:27 AM 27/8/08
How do the background dancers sleep at night? I'm permanently traumatized and didn't even make it to the second verse.
the.munson
Sloth
Posted 8:24 AM 27/8/08
I lasted 35 seconds. I could not imagine the damage that watching that whole video would inflict on my mind.
Sloth
NoGrumpys
Posted 8:57 AM 27/8/08
Its like watching Dee Snyder re-doing Olivia's "lets Get Physical" and it aint pretty
NoGrumpys
Wortavious
Posted 8:38 AM 27/8/08
It's gotta be pretty bad for me to not make it through even one minute while I'm procrastinating at work. Back to counting the holes in the ceiling for me!
Wortavious
mr hotpants
Posted 9:17 AM 27/8/08
Someone please punch her in the squish and make it stop...
mr hotpants
DrAftershave
Posted 9:33 AM 27/8/08
that being said, i'm going to memorize each and every face in this video. just so years from now, if any of these background actors make it in this town, i'm going to single them out and force them to admit that this is where they got their start. they will be humiliated and my pain will be freed.
DrAftershave
DrAftershave
Posted 9:30 AM 27/8/08
DEAR GOD, MAKE THE BLEEDING STOP!!!
DrAftershave
Little Mintz Sunshine
Posted 11:24 AM 27/8/08
Was the audio out of sync or is Heidi's voice so bad it bends soundwaves?
Little Mintz Sunshine
taraniso
Posted 3:42 AM 28/8/08
Mr. John Waters, you can thank me later for finding your new Edith Massey.
taraniso
bonniegrrl
Posted 7:14 AM 28/8/08
Wow it's like a REALLY low-rent version of the video for "Call on Me"
+ Watch video
bonniegrrl
torpor
Posted 11:34 AM 28/8/08
Apparently, they only had thirty seconds of "usable" footage that had to be stretched out to 3:49.
torpor
Reggie Cameron
Posted 4:10 AM 3/9/08
HEIDI MONTAG, I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL DESTROY YOU. I WILL CHEW OFF YOUR KNEE CAPS, CUT OFF YOUR TOES, TEAR OFF YOUR ARMS AND RIP OUT YOUR IMPLANTS. THE RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH YOUR BLOOD. YOUR TERRIBLE, UNHOLY BLOOD.
Reggie Cameron