Andy Dick Will Not Stand For These Charges, Or For Peeing

And now, another installment of “You Win One, You Lose One” (Andy Dick edition)! Win: The troubled comedian, who was accused of sexual battery for pulling down a 17-year-old girl’s top at a chicken joint in July, has now seen his charge downgraded to a mere assault (though he’ll still face four other misdemeanor charges related to the incident). Lose: According to TMZ, the arrest report for the incident includes the following unforgettable anecdote:

“… Dick was escorted back to the holding area … At one point I noticed Dick sat up from the floor and his pants were soaked from the waist area to the ankles. Dick has just urinated on himself.”

“I asked Dick why he didn’t tell me he had to use the restroom again, Dick stated that he did not want to knock on the window like a caged animal.”

Dick then rose up defiantly, saying, “You can take everything from me — my drunken roasts, my N-bombs — but you, sir, cannot take away my dignity!” Having made his triumphant point, Dick then stripped down, bit a warden on the breast, and collapsed into a puddle of his own filth while murmuring, “Eat your heart out, Lovitzzz…”

• Slick Dick Gets Off Sex Charge Hook [TMZ]
• Dick: You’re Not Cool, Unless You Pee Your Pants [TMZ]