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Who Should Serial Monogamist Drew Barrymore Date Next?
Posted by Molly Friedman at 4:35 AM on July 9, 2008
After sufficiently mourning the split between Justin Long and Drew Barrymore by giving our iBook a tearful embrace, we found ourselves facing a familiar Drew-inspired dilemma: figuring out who the serial dater extraordinaire will add to her illustrious list of ex-boyfriends next. Even before sort of settling down with the Strokes' token hottie Fabrizio Moretti, Barrymore winked and giggled her way into the hearts of a wildly eccentric group of actors, musicians, comedians, sex tape vendors, drug addicts, directors and Firecrotch ranters. She's aimed high (Leo), low (Feldman), and was an early member of the Lesbian Chic bandwagon. After the jump, we take a look at all her past paramours in order to narrow down our own suggested candidates for the next round.
Instead of Corey Feldman, try Corey Haim: At the time of Drew's fling with Feldman, picking between the two Coreys was a matter of Eeny Meeny Miney Mo, Catch A Cokehead By The Toe. Judging by their subsequent trajectories, Drew may have made the wiser choice. But it's the other Corey, sent to the bottom of his pill bag by Defamer commenters, who currently needs all the help Drew's strawberry-scented guffaws can bring.
Instead of Luke Wilson, try Owen Wilson: Maybe back in the late 90s Luke seemed like the more intriguing Wilson. His nose wasn't quite as broken as his brother's, Owen hadn't bewitched us all with his Hans in Zoolander, and Luke had yet to permanently banish himself from crush lists by actually sharing screen time with Jessica Simpson. But if Drew goes back to the Wilson well, Owen is clearly the front-runner these days.
Instead of Tom Green, try Dane Cook: Because the barren landscape of horrendously unfunny comedians has a new mascot, and Drew's fondness of sticking her tongue down her boyfriend's throat might be the only way to shut this one up.
Instead of Justin Long, try PC Guy: Because John Hodgman is a treasure and deserves some action. Bonus points for Drew if she agrees to film a cameo in the next Apple commercial, makes Justin cry, short-circuit whatever totally awesome new Mac he's holding, and permanently erase that smirk from his face.
[Photo credits: Wireimage, Getty]
Comments (AU Comments · US Comments)
There are currently no AU comments for this post.
SaphocratSam
Posted 5:37 AM 9/7/08
@Old No.7: shes already traversed that path
SaphocratSam
Douglas Reinhardt
Posted 5:33 AM 9/7/08
@whoneedslight: Now, that's a celebrity coupling I could get behind.
Douglas Reinhardt
whoneedslight
Posted 5:30 AM 9/7/08
Jeremy Piven is totally calling his agent.
whoneedslight
LBJeffries
Posted 5:29 AM 9/7/08
In that picture with Feldman, it looks like she took Roy Orbison to the prom.
LBJeffries
Old No.7
Posted 5:19 AM 9/7/08
Drew... it's time for you to try the bush. It worked for LiLo.
Old No.7
kookla
Posted 5:16 AM 9/7/08
Cameron Diaz will be done with that model that Jennifer Aniston used to bone right before John Mayer who will move on to Kate Hudson once Lance finds out about her and Owen getting back together. So there's plenty to choose from off the top of the list at the Celebrity Center for Disease Control right there.
kookla
Little Mintz Sunshine
Posted 5:14 AM 9/7/08
oh...and may I suggest Verne Troyer if Drew is felling particularly self-hating and dwarf-curious.
Little Mintz Sunshine
Little Mintz Sunshine
Posted 5:12 AM 9/7/08
The Dell Dude would make a great revenge fuck. At least for the Dell Dude.
Little Mintz Sunshine
Scoregasm
Posted 5:06 AM 9/7/08
@CourageousCoward: Or perhaps his chubby-faced oily doppelganger Raffaello Follieri? He's ready for a rebound...to be prison penpals with.
Scoregasm
majikthise
Posted 5:05 AM 9/7/08
Owen was Hansel in Zoolander, not Hans. That Hansel is so hot right now . . .
majikthise
Scoregasm
Posted 5:03 AM 9/7/08
Well, luckily for Drew, someone who has been linked to both Brandon Davis and Andy Dick, she doesn't have to worry about hitting a new low.
How about: instead of Parker Lewis, try Kevin Arnold. Wait, is Fred Savage married? How about Ben Savage?
Scoregasm
CourageousCoward
Posted 4:58 AM 9/7/08
I cast my vote for Zach Braff. Why? Why not?!
CourageousCoward
moogybaby
Posted 6:11 AM 9/7/08
Corin Nemec is free.
moogybaby
DrFeelgood
Posted 5:54 AM 9/7/08
Drew needs to grow up and date MEN, not boys.
Michael Bay and Drew would make a great couple.
Until her mother Jade steals him away.
DrFeelgood
TheLemon
Posted 5:52 AM 9/7/08
If she's looking for a new experience, convert to FLDS and become a sister wife. Who wouldn't want to watch that show?
TheLemon
scroll_lock
Posted 5:47 AM 9/7/08
@LBJeffries: HA!
scroll_lock
Hubert Cumberdale
Posted 5:46 AM 9/7/08
Look, being a "homewrecker" is hard work. It's also work that can--should--be admired. Singles are easy, albeit hardly worth your time. She should shoot for someone already in a committed relationship. This is the #1 feat of lunatic daring that any and all should pursue when granted the chance.
Hubert Cumberdale
Lulamaybelle
Posted 6:39 AM 9/7/08
Jared from Subway
but since she swaps the "comedians" for the "rock stars", I'm gonna say Cisco (tennis balls in tube socks) Adler
Lulamaybelle
Huge Tracts of Land
Posted 6:23 AM 9/7/08
HAIM HAIM HAIM HAIM
(see other Defamer thread which has become a creepy pit of Haim-hate and Haim-love)
Huge Tracts of Land
RonMwangaguhunga
Posted 6:22 AM 9/7/08
Drew -- sotto voce -- call me?
RonMwangaguhunga
Lapinot
Posted 7:14 AM 9/7/08
Peter Doherty. Or Carl Barât. Peter Doherty and Carl Barât.
Lapinot
TheQuestion
Posted 8:02 AM 9/7/08
Mock all you want, but I loves me some Drew, so call me darlin' and we'll have some fun!
TheQuestion
Desk_hack
Posted 7:55 AM 9/7/08
David Letterman. They've already come pretty close to second base on his show.
Desk_hack
raincoaster
Posted 7:42 AM 9/7/08
Samantha Ronson.
raincoaster
SanFranBetsu
Posted 7:41 AM 9/7/08
@LBJeffries: HA! I thought it was Michael Jackson!
SanFranBetsu
blogarsay
Posted 8:33 AM 9/7/08
Dmitri?
blogarsay
Readsforaliving
Posted 9:24 AM 9/7/08
Russell Brand. Enough said.
Readsforaliving
OldTowneTavern
Posted 9:19 AM 9/7/08
Tennis anyone? That Raphael Nadal is doing quite well for himself.
OldTowneTavern
s_crewe
Posted 9:40 AM 9/7/08
@blogarsay:
noooooooooooo. but i do see her going for the funny.
s_crewe
Pay_Me_Or_Pay_Me_No_Attention
Posted 11:14 AM 9/7/08
Don't date Dane Cook unless you want herpes. For real.
And at LEAST she's a serial Monogamist, unlike most Actresses in this town who have a boyfriend, and then four or five dudes they keep on rotation to fuck on behind their boyfriends back.
Seriously.
Pay_Me_Or_Pay_Me_No_Attention
OldTowneTavern
Posted 12:56 PM 9/7/08
I thought ass-on-rotation was one of the perks of acting. That "love of the craft" stuff is just what they tell James Lipton.
OldTowneTavern
lolababy
Posted 3:30 PM 9/7/08
John Hodgeman's wife might be pissed.
Or she might be into that.
lolababy
Losin_it
Posted 4:25 PM 9/7/08
I don't think she has dated a celebrity chef yet. So I vote for Iron Chef Japanese Miro Tugawawawa, or whatever the fuck his name is.
Losin_it
Breadbowl
Posted 5:21 AM 9/7/08
Is that a pic of Feldman during his "Jacko Period"?
Breadbowl
goodbyegirl
Posted 5:12 AM 9/7/08
@CourageousCoward: Because Zach Braff is a tool?
goodbyegirl