We’re So Excited: Screech Set To Unveil The Sex And Drugs Behind The Scenes Of ‘Saved By The Bell’

When we used to wake up in the mornin’ after the alarm gave out a warnin’, it was always alright ‘cuz we were Saved By The Bell. Yes, all you ’80s-born kiddies, the show we embarrassingly grew up watching religiously despite the fact that catching a rerun these days makes us dry-heave, is in the headlines again. The frizzy-haired, unemployed trophy winner of the World’s Most Nauseating Sex Tape (that is, until Mini-Me stole the title), Dustin “Screech” Diamond, has given up on those comedy club circuit dreams and made the heroic decision to put his nose to the mirror grindstone. As Vulture reports, we will soon have the pleasure reading a tell-all book scripted by Diamond, detailing what really went on behind the scenes of that epic show. And if you’re like us, who consider Jesse Spano’s “I’m So Excited…I’m So…Scared” scene a pivotal moment in our adolescence, don’t despair — Diamond is said to be more than ready to spill each and every bean when it comes to revealing all of the dirty deets of Bayside High School’s Class of 1993.

However sad it is, it seems that the aforementioned influential scene of diet pills and pointless high school ambition best exhibited by Jesse’s freak-out was not as fictional as our wee tween minds originally believed. According to Vulture’s sources, Dustin and his ghostwriter (i.e.: mainly his ghostwriter) will reveal all kinds of details about the “sexual escapades among cast members, drug use, and hardcore partying” that went on after Mr. Belding shut down the lights each night. As insanely thrilled we are to go and purchase a retro wall SBTB wall calendar on which we shall X out each day until the book is released, there’s still a tiny part of us that always hoped Zach and Kelly never actually did the deed after “Cut!” ended the day. Nor do we want to learn the inevitable truth that Slater was on steroids. Same goes for how many rails it took to keep Lisa Turtle from transferring to rival Valley High. Oh well, it can do anything more to ruin our childhood memories than The Phantom Menace did, right?

• SCREECH WRITES ‘SAVED BY THE BELL’ TELL-ALL [Vulture]