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Summer Can Only Get Better as Let-Down Trifecta Storms the Multiplex
Posted by Defamer Hollywood at 2:10 AM on July 12, 2008
Welcome back to another week of Defamer Attractions, your regular guide to the fresh hell of what's new at the movies. After taking a Hancock holiday weekend to find ourselves, we're back in full-on summer anguish mode as yet another massive comics adaptation hits theatres, Brendan Fraser goes a-spelunkin' and Eddie Murphy returns with... we don't even know. But! We also have our eyes on a few alternatives both at the theatres and in the comfort of our air-conditioned caves, so all is not lost. As always, our opinions are our own and elegantly spot-on — which, of course, you've come to expect and we're happy to oblige!
WHAT'S NEW: This is a good weekend to maybe paint the house or just drink — a lot — as Hellboy II: The Golden Army, Journey to the Centre of the Earth and Meet Dave jockey for Top 5 position against holdovers Hancock and Wall-E. We admit: We walked out of Golden Army's LA Film Festival premiere, annoyed with its wisecracking self-awareness and degradation of Selma Blair — but that's just us, it seems, as director Guillermo del Toro and his magical make-believe realm of creatures and bad screenwriting have dazzled most critics and are likely to nab $40 million over the next three days. Journey, meanwhile, which places Fraser in 3-D, PG-rated peril somewhere near what looks suspiciously like the Warner Bros. lot, will be lucky to surpass Wall-E for third place around $27 million.
It's a crowded weekend for indies and art houses as well, with the documentary Oscar hopeful Roman Polanski: Wanted and Desired making its "official" theatrical debut after a sub-sonic run in April. The Spencer Breslin/Cuba Gooding Jr. balding-teen dramedy Harold also opens, as does Death-Defying Acts, the Weinstein Company shelf-casualty starring Guy Pearce as Harry Houdini and Catherine Zeta-Jones as the con woman who falls for him.
THE BIG LOSER: Speaking of jilted premieres, you can reasonably take Murphy's Meet Dave no-show at face value; the spiritual heir of Norbit should still break $20 million, but if Murphy's latest multi-role hackwork doesn't stop the travesty of Beverly Hills Cop IV in its developmentally-disabled tracks, we don't know what will. Oh, who are we kidding? They'll probably start shooting on Monday, box office (and worn-out welcomes) be damned.
THE UNDERDOG: We recommend the ensemble drama Garden Party with a few reservations: filmmaker Jason Freeland's forced script could use a dialogue polish or eight; it's got more twee sound cues than a Moldy Peaches set; and if wanna-be dreams come true this fast in LA, then we should all be doing lines off each other's asses today by happy hour. That said, the low-profile cast — particularly Vinessa Shaw as a cutthroat realtor (with a past, natch), Willa Holland as a teen looking for her absentee mother or a decent job, whichever comes first, and the endlessly fascinating Patrick Fischler as a skeevy, unassuming porn photographer — does quite a bit with not a lot. And there's a bonus: The most awkwardly choreographed gay-bar dance sequence since Cruising. You heard it here first.
FOR SHUT-INS: Among this week's notable DVD releases: the gross-out psych-horror thriller The Ruins; the pig-nosed Christina Ricci rom-com Penelope; the not-eagerly awaited MTV! Award! Winner! Step Up 2: The Streets; and the masterful Dallas: The Complete Ninth Season.
So what do you think? Anything good on TV this weekend, or any books you might recommend? Or is the Eddie Murphy completist in you racing to the multiplex as we speak. Be honest — nobody is judged here! Well, sort of. Anyway, when is The Dark Knight opening again?
Tags: brendan fraser | defamer attractions | eddie murphy | garden party | gawker | guillermo del toro | hellboy ii | journey to the center of the earth | meet dave | roman polanski | roman polanski wanted and desired | top | vinessa shaw
Comments (AU Comments · US Comments)
There are currently no AU comments for this post.
bermygal
Posted 2:52 AM 12/7/08
I am going to make a movie of myself being myself, not going to the Meet the Dave Premier. Fortunately for me, it is one of the 2 movies playing in Bermuda for the next week. Damn this country!
bermygal
jordo_83
Posted 2:46 AM 12/7/08
Could Del Toro like putting eyeballs in places other than eye sockets anymore? I wonder if the dragon in The Hobbit will have eyes on it's scales, or maybe the men of Dale will have evolved so their eyes are on the necks.
Seriously, stop putting eyes places they aren't supposed to be, it wasn't very cool the first time I saw it, nor was it cool the fifth time I saw it. Bad Del Toro, bad!
jordo_83
Fuzzy_duffel_bag
Posted 2:46 AM 12/7/08
@NoWireHangers: Weird, I was saying that exact thing the other day. I'm going to say that his teeth emit some sort of Mary Hart-like seizure inducing pulse which erases the memory. Either that or he's boring.
Fuzzy_duffel_bag
Baronzemo
Posted 2:45 AM 12/7/08
NoWireHangers, my friends debated about B.F. being in "Norman Maine Mode" @ WonderCon, you be the judge;
[www.greatwhitesnark.com]
+ Watch video
+ Watch video
Baronzemo
Old No.7
Posted 2:44 AM 12/7/08
@Noiddog: It's like he's the black Mike Myers. Or is Mike Myers the white Eddie Murphy?
Either way, they both create a vortex of suck.
Old No.7
Noiddog
Posted 2:33 AM 12/7/08
At what point will Eddie Murphy realize that he is A) not funny anymore, B)See A. This is ridiculous. How many movies does he have to make where he is playing the part of everyone in the movie? Norbit made me want to vomit.
/disgusted
Noiddog
NoWireHangers
Posted 2:30 AM 12/7/08
I always forget Brendan Fraser exists until another crappy Mummy sequel appears or his latest Monkeybone-esc stinker plops into theaters. How the fuck does he do it?
NoWireHangers
mitchel_stevens
Posted 2:29 AM 12/7/08
Your hatred of Hellboy only means you hate kittens. And big, lavish set designs that swallow up the lack of plot, then throw it in our faces whiel Del Toro shouts "THERE. THERE'S YOUR FUCKING HOBBIT. FUCK YOU. JESUS."
mitchel_stevens
quinticire
Posted 2:25 AM 12/7/08
With these movies coming out, I think I may have to actually see SATC.
quinticire
Juancho
Posted 2:22 AM 12/7/08
Look, I love the Hellboy comics and like GdT, but that first film is a joyful mess, and I expect more the same from the sequel.
Still, unbelievable love went into the DVD package.
Juancho
belltolls
Posted 2:20 AM 12/7/08
Wanted and Desired has already run on cable. Is there an Oscar point to this release?
belltolls
Itsjustcatnip
Posted 2:19 AM 12/7/08
I'm on my way to Hellboy in 2 hours, stop trying to stop me.
Itsjustcatnip
Hubert Cumberdale
Posted 2:18 AM 12/7/08
I wish I were dead.
Hubert Cumberdale
Breadbowl
Posted 3:50 AM 12/7/08
I will NOT sit idly by and have you question the comedic genius of a Jimmy Fallon or a Rob Schneider...actually, the only decent SNL alumni are dead...
Breadbowl
Noiddog
Posted 3:45 AM 12/7/08
Memo to Eddie Murphy: Continuing this line of crappy movies still won't atone for your little foray into the world of transvestites back in the 90's. Give it up.
@Breadbowl: Saturday Night Live has created and destroyed more careers than ever before. Most of these people would only be bit actors if not for that show.
Noiddog
Breadbowl
Posted 3:37 AM 12/7/08
Eddie Murphy and Mike Myers - both appear on Inside the Actor's Studio and both now suck...I think James Lipton is to movie stars what the cover of Sports Illustrated is to professional sports teams.
Breadbowl
mothrafairy
Posted 3:08 AM 12/7/08
@NoWireHangers:
Brendan's hair-plugs go in and they go out, often. When they go out, so goes much of the air that fills the cavity known as his "head."
Not that this paunchy purveyor of pedestrian pictures lacked career trajectory choices, at the start. Remember 'Gods & Monsters'?
Well, he chose monsters.
@jordo_83:
I think that Del Toro will put the men of Dale's eyeballs on their balls. Which should really make for some interesting scens with Ian McKellan.
mothrafairy
thefilth
Posted 3:03 AM 12/7/08
I can't wait for Hellboy. Not all summer movies need to be plot heavy, I think this franchise wouldn't work if it was.
thefilth
PandoraSpocks
Posted 3:02 AM 12/7/08
I remember when people were called "shut-ins" and we got badges for visiting them. Or was it beads?
PandoraSpocks
gwendolyn
Posted 5:50 AM 12/7/08
August arrives in, wait for it, 5-4-3-2...
gwendolyn
TheQuestion
Posted 5:36 AM 12/7/08
@Old No.7: Unless you throw them in a cartoon together, and then you get Shrek.
TheQuestion
MrDo
Posted 6:27 AM 12/7/08
In anywhere but our bizzarro world, Eddie Murphy films would all go straight to video. Seriously, his stuff is Baldwin Brothers caliber.
MrDo
Tattertotter
Posted 7:19 AM 12/7/08
Oh my, watching those vids of Brendan is very sad making. I must go rent the Blu-Ray "George of the Jungle" this weekend to re-burn my neurocircuits back to the glorious, balls-bobbling, naked Brandan sex meat image that made that piece of contemptible shit worth seeing. Several times. Oh hell, even in his current state, I'd tap it.
Tattertotter