By Seth on July 9, 2008 at 5:00 AM

Semi-mummified Viacom overlord Sumner Redstone explains how he managed to work an immortality clause into his 8-trillion-year contract: “I don’t want to die. I love what I’m doing. I love Viacom. I love CBS. And so I don’t want to die. I have a will to live. The same will to win that I’ve always had. And, I’m gonna fight death as long as I can. I like it here. I don’t want to go anywhere else.” And with that, the eternally youthful media titan gave a mischievous wink—causing his lower jaw to shake loose and fall to the ground, evaporating into a small cloud of dust upon impact. [Page Six]


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