Same-Sex Mambo Newest Celebrity Cause DuJour

With legalized same-sex unions already labelled passé, Hollywood discovered its newest cause designed specifically to piss off Arkansas: live, televised, boy-on-boy fox-trotting mayhem. This fall, Lance Bass is reportedly set to join the cast of Dancing With The Stars and partner with a male dancer and cha-cha his way into America’s hearts. You know, because he’s gay. And it’s edgy.

Historically speaking, ballroom dancing is considered to be an incredibly hetero environment. There’s nobody “light in the loafers” on that stage. The constant bedazzling of the purple, stretch satin leisure suits is not so much a fashion statement as it is a safety precaution: you need those sparkly guides to assist you during all that hetero twirling. So the announcement of male partners comes as shock to many, but as always, Hollywood is ready to plan massive events to support this radical cause.

First up will undoubtedly be a massive A-List gala. Co-chaired by Elton John and T.R. Knight, the benefit will feature Eva Longoria-Parker, Victoria Beckett, Liz Taylor (scheduled to appear before 4PM), and cause-whore Sharon Stone, but only after promising not to speak.

Throwing “quieter” support behind the cause are Hollywood’s Four Stooges – Clooney, Pitt, Damon and Cheadle. These four often opt out of attending flashy, public events. Per usual, they’ll hold a far more civilized and appropriate gathering in Vegas called Poker Playing Celebrities United Behind Male Dance Couples.

And rounding out the trifecta of celebrity support will surely be the all-important PSA. We can’t forget you, Julia, Tom, Cameron, Reese, Ben and Jen. Male dance couples everywhere will be thanking you for your overly earnest remarks.

Way to go, Hollywood!

• Celebrity Side Dish [NYDN]