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Resolution No. 4: George Lucas Sentenced to Prison For Continuing Rape of 'Star Wars' Franchise
Posted by STV at 5:35 AM on July 26, 2008
WHEREAS, the Star Wars franchise comprises six films about the legend of Anakin Skywalker, his son Luke, a bunch of puppets and their exploits with the Force, and
WHEREAS, said franchise is the most lucrative in the history of cinema, having generated nearly $4.3 billion at the box office alone, and
WHEREAS, the creator of said franchise, George Lucas, has established additionally lucrative revenue streams from Star Wars licensing, animated series and his post-production empire at Skywalker Ranch, and
WHEREAS, recent news reports reveal that Lucas plans to re-release said franchise theatrically in 3-D, and
WHEREAS, the terrible second half of the franchise already capitalized on the celebrated phenomenon of the first half, and
WHEREAS, said first half was previously exploited by Lucas's urge to re-release them with bad CGI and boring deleted scenes, and
WHEREAS, said first half was further exploited by more home-video versions than anyone could count, and certainly more than anyone wanted to buy, and
WHEREAS, a 3-D Star Wars re-release further cynically exploits a celebrated phenomenon that was just fine as it was, and
WHEREAS, The Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith will always suck no matter how many dimensions they're screened in, and
WHEREAS, Lucas still does not yet have the technology to make his screenwriting multi-dimensional,
WHEREAS, the conversion process will likely cost Lucas at least $15 million per film, with another $30 million of marketing on top of that, and
WHEREAS, we are tired of spending money on George Lucas's old shit, and
WHEREAS, we are tired of Lucas expecting us to spend money on his old shit,
NOW, THEREFORE, LET IT BE RESOLVED BY DEFAMER:
1. George Lucas cease and desist in his threat to re-release any or all of the Star Wars franchise in 3-D, and
2. The Star Wars franchise shall be remanded to protective custody until Lucas is judged fit and modest enough to take care of it, and
3. Lucas serve a five-year probation during which the cash-mongering recycling of old properties is subject to a fine of $5 billion dollars and/or life in prison.
RESOLUTION PASSED this 25th day of July, 2008.
SIGNED,
DEFAMER
[Photo: Getty Images]
Comments (AU Comments · US Comments)
There are currently no AU comments for this post.
el smrtmnky
Posted 8:26 AM 26/7/08
Waddle Neck actually had the gall to show the clone wars movie at the ranch as a double feature with Wall-E. now that's what i call delusions of grandeur.
el smrtmnky
clarknhilldale
Posted 8:18 AM 26/7/08
I finally got around to watching his director's cut of THX 1138 recently, and the fucker can't help himself. First thing he says in the DVD featurette is that movie's supposed to reflect life in 1970. So what did he do? Glam it up with CGI so that it doesn't seem like the baleful, grubby 1970-ish dystopia he original created. And then he changes the robot Duvall's working on to look like 3-CPO. He's a cutter--instead of taking a razor to his skin, he takes it to his films. Lock his films up and make him work on something new.
clarknhilldale
Cam/ron
Posted 7:48 AM 26/7/08
Isn't this 3-D flick supposed to be the "experimental and very abstract" movie that Lucas has been dying to make after finishing up Episode III?
Or was it this:
+ Watch video
Cam/ron
Evil Tortie's Mom
Posted 7:41 AM 26/7/08
@Evil Tortie's Mom: d'oh! I meant, both of them.
@denominator: I really don't think you do. Wouldn't it be Vilanch 2.0?
Evil Tortie's Mom
Evil Tortie's Mom
Posted 7:40 AM 26/7/08
@raincoaster: this last one would go well on loltheist.
Evil Tortie's Mom
denominator
Posted 7:39 AM 26/7/08
Can anybody photoshop that picture to remove his beard? I really want to see what he looks like without that silly pretense of a jawline.
denominator
aphex242
Posted 7:25 AM 26/7/08
Signed. Signed, signed, signed. I saw the ad last night and I barfed a little.
aphex242
raincoaster
Posted 6:53 AM 26/7/08
raincoaster
raincoaster
Posted 6:53 AM 26/7/08
@Bedheadjc: Oh yes, we got it. We've been recycling it for days.
raincoaster
Bedheadjc
Posted 6:52 AM 26/7/08
And f*ck George, he is ruining my hindsightedly wonderful childhood. Now the new "Clones" flick is all Pixar'd up and I'll have to deal with alien fart jokes...think Gilbert Gottfried will be voicing the hero's sarcastic Ewok sidekick? Meh...
Bedheadjc
Bedheadjc
Posted 6:47 AM 26/7/08
@A Pimp Named DaveR: perfect! And I am not sure anyone caught it...
Motti: "Your sad devotion to that ancient religion has not helped you conjure up the stolen data tapes, or given you clairvoyance enough to find the rebels' hidden fortress...
[Vader makes a pinching motion and Motti starts choking]
Vader: "I find your lack of faith disturbing."
Bedheadjc
MrRewrite
Posted 6:46 AM 26/7/08
whereas the later films all suck and involve characters wearing dime-store costumes, big and odd headresses and horrible dialogue, please just move along, there's nothing to see here
MrRewrite
ge90036
Posted 6:45 AM 26/7/08
Without commenting on that shitass, wooden, embarrassing as hell dialogue, his casting of Hayden Christensen alone should be classified as a hate crime against humanity.
ge90036
EuroDad
Posted 6:35 AM 26/7/08
@BadUncle:
i thought maybe you meant to induce vomiting thereby purging your cocktail
EuroDad
BadUncle
Posted 6:32 AM 26/7/08
@BadUncle: uh, that's "chug cocktail," you boozy swine.
BadUncle
BadUncle
Posted 6:31 AM 26/7/08
Well, Lucas is always good for bad dialogue drinking games. On every utterance of "I'm getting a bad feeling about this," chuck cocktail, etc.
I wish David Mamet would write some kind of noir sequel.
BadUncle
EuroDad
Posted 6:25 AM 26/7/08
@metroville:
thanks - i nearly asphyxiated on my iced vanilla latte.
oh, and one item requiring attention prior to filing this resolution; IIRC Skywalker Ranch no longer serves as home to Lucasfilm. they were set to move to the Presidio years ago.
EuroDad
Juancho
Posted 6:13 AM 26/7/08
After the premiere of Revenge of the Sith, Yoda was heard to mutter on the red carpet: "Anticlimactic, it was."
Juancho
SugartitsMcFirecrotch
Posted 6:02 AM 26/7/08
@ManPurse: You mean neck "wattle" I hope . . . if that thing begins to perambulate on its own (and thus waddle), I'm running for the hills.
SugartitsMcFirecrotch
Old No.7
Posted 5:56 AM 26/7/08
#4. Any violation of above resolution items will result in a bloody MMA cagefight with his own adopted daughter, with the winner taking whole & complete receivership of all Star Wars residuals.
Motherfucker.
Old No.7
nick_r
Posted 5:56 AM 26/7/08
The... whuh... bashing George Lucas?
My God!
Defamer sure isn't afraid to attack the sacred cows. I hope I'm sitting down when the "Y'know, we actually didn't think those Matrix sequels were all that good" editorial drops.
nick_r
ManPurse
Posted 5:49 AM 26/7/08
Mostly I wish he would release a film about that gigantic neck waddle in 3D
ManPurse
Little Mintz Sunshine
Posted 5:46 AM 26/7/08
It's real easy to play the abused wife now but we should have been more proactive when he unleashed Jar Jar Binks on us. But noooooo...
Little Mintz Sunshine
Cultmember
Posted 5:45 AM 26/7/08
Leave Kenny Rogers alone! Oh wait...nevermind.
Cultmember
metroville
Posted 5:43 AM 26/7/08
I wish Lucas would run out of ways to repackage the same franchise so he can move on to the important work of superimposing dewbacks and Imperial transports into American Graffiti.
metroville
A Pimp Named DaveR
Posted 5:42 AM 26/7/08
I find your lack of faith disturbing.
A Pimp Named DaveR
Cam/ron
Posted 9:13 AM 26/7/08
@clarknhilldale: Indeed, CGI was the worst thing to happen to Lucas.
Cam/ron
ManPurse
Posted 12:15 PM 26/7/08
@SugartitsMcFirecrotch: Yes, yes, wattle is what I meant. Sorry for the fright!
ManPurse
VallisAegimius
Posted 10:23 AM 26/7/08
@ EuroDad
VallisAegimius
Jack_of_Some_Trades
Posted 5:53 AM 26/7/08
Seriously, it looks like he's trying to grow a second face on that "neck" of his.
Jack_of_Some_Trades
dluvvly
Posted 12:30 AM 27/7/08
When I saw the commercial I thought it was just some new video game.
dluvvly
Pay_Me_Or_Pay_Me_No_Attention
Posted 7:23 AM 27/7/08
You guys can keep cracking the neck jokes all you want, but it should be noted it's because he's diabetic, and not because he's sitting a top a bunch of piles of money eating chocolate sundaes and laughing at you.
That would be me.
Pay_Me_Or_Pay_Me_No_Attention
rudolphdude
Posted 10:25 PM 27/7/08
@Pay_Me_Or_Pay_Me_No_Attention: It's not because he is diabetic. It is because he gave me hope and raped it 20 years later.
Just kidding, I was 5 when then 1st when came out and I think I peed the chair.
I'm gonna shut this laptop now.
rudolphdude
Benovite
Posted 2:38 PM 28/7/08
Thanks for Indy 4!
Next time you want to take a shit why don't do it in the toilet instead of a theater.
Benovite
jimmyjamman
Posted 3:03 PM 28/7/08
If Lucas had any balls he would re-release Howard the Duck in 3-D. There's a money making franchise in that movie, I'm telling you.
jimmyjamman
cinerama
Posted 5:53 PM 28/7/08
Sure, Episode I was disappointing, but I truly enjoyed Episode II and found Episode III to be a worthy finale to the new trilogy.
Guess I'm the only one.
cinerama
Werrick
Posted 9:56 PM 28/7/08
I can't stand the guy... not because he's an asshole or anything, I barely know him and I think I'v eonly really seen one interview with him, just simply because of his repeated Cleveland Steamering of my childhood.
Werrick
bigredgambler
Posted 4:44 AM 29/7/08
At least the video games don't suck, for the most part.
bigredgambler
Mel Gibstein
Posted 10:11 AM 30/7/08
@cinerama: You're not the only one. I actually liked I more than II.
Mel Gibstein