Everybody Relax: The ‘Deadly Cinema Snake’ Has Been Apprehended

It must be an extremely slow news week up North, as this story is still showing up in the ‘also in news’ sidebars a good, oh, three months after it originally ran (unless someone passed out after drinking a Territory stubby and actually thinks it’s still April). Either way, I took it as a sign from above that we were meant to share this incredible piece of action journalism with you, so here it is: “Deadly cinema snake hunted down.”

Someone call Samuel L. Jackson!

One of the world’s deadliest snakes caused mayhem after it was found warming itself under a popcorn machine in a Northern Territory cinema – less than a metre from teenage staff.

It took one week to catch the 60cm western brown.

The snake, which staff had thought was harmless, was first seen by a security guard as it made its way up the front ramp of the CMAX cinema in Palmerston. It disappeared through a vent.

Stalking teenagers! Invading the Candy Bar! What will these snakes do next, I ask you?!

But for those worrying that said teenage staff might have been in mortal peril, the story has a happy ending:

Snake catcher Gordon Canning was called in and saw teenage staff members searching for the snake in cupboards.

[...]

“We found a dead rodent the day before, so now we assume the snake and the rodent had words – and the snake won.”

[...]

Mr Canning captured the snake and released it away from populated areas.

And everybody lived happily ever after (except the rodent).

There, gods of three-month-old news alerts, are you happy now? I have sacrificed my powers of currency and newsworthiness for you!