Monday, July 28, 2008

Albert Hammond Jr Isn’t Coming To Oz Anymore

12:09PM Jess McGuire | Sad news, Splendour ticket holders and general fans of Strokes guitarist Albert Hammond Jr’s solo work – dude is too sick to come to Australia. It is with disappointment that organisers announce ALBERT HAMMOND JR has cancelled his Australian tour and SPLENDOUR IN THE GRASS appearance on Sunday August 3rd due to illness. The promoter handling his Australian tour, Frontier Touring announced today “Albert is suffering a severe throat infection that has resulted in him losing his voice. He has been advised against performing by his doctor.” Splendour in the Grass orgainisers would like to advise Albert Hammond Jr was a welcome late addition to the festival line up this year and playing times were adjusted to accommodate his performance. There will no replacement announced for this time slot and the playing times will now return to the original schedule for the Grant McLennan stage on Sunday August 3rd. Please visit www.splendourinthegrass.com for updates. The tour was due to commence in Melbourne this Wednesday, with shows following in Sydney, Brisbane and at Byron Bay’s Splendour In The Grass. All shows are now cancelled including Albert’s appearance at Splendour. All patrons holding tickets to any of the shows in Melbourne, Sydney and Brisbane can seek a refund from the original point of sale. The promoter will reschedule the shows later in the year. Bummer, kids. If you haven’t heard Albert Hammond Jr’s solo stuff, check this out. It’s been my favourite strolling-around-town-with-headphones-on tune for the past month or so. More »

Not Even A Boob Reduction Can Help Jordan Fit In With The Snooty Inhabitants Of The Polo World

11:55AM Jess McGuire | Tragic news from the United Kingdom, with revelations in the Daily Mail that Australia’s favourite daughter-in-law, the cantastic and currently brunette Jordan, has recently been the victim of a hurtful snub by members of the polo world, with the snotty horse-loving bastards deciding she is simply too “chav” for their social engagements. But she had her rack size reduced! She’s not blonde anymore! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU PEOPLE WANT FROM HER?! The reality TV star has been banned from the most prestigious event in the polo calendar because, insiders say, she is simply ‘too chavvy’. Jordan – now a bestselling author, albeit one who doesn’t actually write her own books – is said to be ‘incredibly upset’ after she was told she would not be welcome at today’s exclusive Cartier International Polo contest in Windsor. The snub comes despite her self-made wealth and her ardent love of horses. She has always been a keen rider and learned to play polo earlier this year. Katie Price, as she now prefers to be known, believes she is the victim of a personal vendetta after being denied access to the event at the Guards Polo Club, where The Prince of Wales Team will play Hurlingham for The Golden Jubilee Trophy and England will take on Australia for the Coronation Cup, presented by Prince Charles. An anti-Jordan conspiracy? Well, I never. Last night the model’s agent Claire Powell said: ‘It’s true, Cartier didn’t want Katie there. We cannot understand it because Katie has worked with Cartier before. She’s been in the presence of Royalty before; she’s met the Queen and appeared at the Royal Variety Performance. It’s a big shock and Katie is incredibly upset. ‘It wasn’t about her wanting to mingle with the rich and famous, it’s because she’s a fan of the sport. ‘We can only assume that someone has got it in for Katie. She thinks it’s really sad. She’s worked hard to transform her image.’ Hunt them down and kill them, Katie. Or dance the anger out, Flight Of The Conchords style. In other news - (I’m so sorry) More »

YouTube Clip Of The Day

11:45AM Jess McGuire | What a song! What an ad! I actually went out and bought a banana after watching this. DAMN YOU, ADVERTISING EXECUTIVES! YOUR DEVIOUS PLANS TO MAKE ME MUNCH ON SOMETHING HEALTHY HAS WORKED. Frankly, there’s not much I won’t do so long as it’s suggested to me via the magic of song. More »

Pete Doherty’s Cat Has Given Birth To A Litter Of Kittens

10:40AM Jess McGuire | At least, that’s what the Babyshambles frontman’s latest offering to YouTube would suggest. Thankfully this video doesn’t feature Amy Winehouse picking up a new born kitty, holding it near the camera, and putting on a high pitched voice while begging her incarcerated husband Blake not to divorce her. No, wait. I wish it did have that. More »

School Kids Upstage OneRepublic On Sunrise

10:38AM Jess McGuire | Sure, it’s been MONTHS since OneRepublic actually appeared on Sunrise to perform their ringtone Apologize, but for some reason Channel Seven played a clip of the performance last night after some auction-related show, and I couldn’t help but notice and quietly smile at the school kids mugging for the camera behind singer/ivory tinkler Ryan Tedder. The swaying and hair-flicking magic really kicks in at 0:40, although the young girl with the insane grin who presses up against the window around 2:12 is worth noting as well. Feel free to put the song on mute while you watch. More »

Jeff Kennett’s Recent Comments May Lead To Some Depressed Homosexuals: “I Think It’s Probably Best To Keep Those Rapey Pedophilic Gays Away From Young Footy Players… What? What Did I Say?”

9:07AM Jess McGuire | Sometimes you read comments from a public figure and you have a moment where you think to yourself “Wow, that is so unbelievably stupid and offensive, it must be a piss-take. Surely no one in their right mind could have actually uttered those words with a straight face?”. For me, that moment occurred this morning when I learned of former Victorian premier and Beyond Blue chairman Jeff Kennett’s comments about the sacking of gay trainer Ken Campagnolo by Bonnie Doon Football Club . “The club felt that once this had been pointed out and you had this gentleman there who was obviously close to young men – massaging young men – it ran an unnecessary risk and that’s why it decided it was best that he not perform those duties again. So the club was trying to do the right thing,” Mr Kennett said. “When you are in charge of a group of young boys, as this club was as I understand it, it’s got to make sure.” “It’s the same if you have a pedophile there as a masseur, right? And you might say the pedophile would do no damage, but once it was pointed out to you, you have a duty of care to those underage children not to put them in a situation of risk.” Needless to say, some gays have taken time out from their busy schedule of molesting children and indulging in other depraved activities to declare their displeasure at Jeff Kennett’s hateful words. Rodney Croome, of the Australian Coalition for Equality, said: “Jeff Kennett should immediately step aside from his role in Beyond Blue.” In cheerier news, the AFL’s attempts to quash Ken Campagnolo’s complaint regarding his firing last year has failed, and a tribunal has decided mediation is the next step. Fingers crossed Mr Campagnolo comes out on top, eh? After all, as the man himself says – “I am not a pedophile. Does that mean every straight male doctor cannot treat any female patient?” Indeed, sir. More »

James Packer and Erica Baxter Announce The Birth Of Their Very Own Indigo Girl

8:34AM Jess McGuire | Sound the trumpets! Congratulations to James Packer and Erica Baxter who have welcomed into the world their first little princess, Ms Indigo Packer. The Packer dynasty has a new heir, a girl named Indigo. The first child to the media and gambling billionaire James Packer and his wife, Erica, was born at Sydney’s Mater Hospital yesterday afternoon. Mrs Packer and Indigo were receiving visitors at the hospital last night. The Channel Nine chief executive, David Gyngell, and his wife, Leila McKinnon, were among them. Mr Gyngell said the “beautiful little baby girl” was healthy and “looks just like her mother”. He said James was “a very happy man”. Whether James was specifically stoked to learn Indigo resembles the Baxter brood rather than the Packer clan is unconfirmed. Meanwhile, Erica is living it up at the Mater. Mrs Packer has one of the three rooms, the baby another, and the third, full of flowers and fruit, is for guests. Visitors were last night celebrating with Johnnie Walker’s rare Blue Label whisky. Ritzy! Now all that remains to be seen is whether the women’s mags will work themselves into a dribbling frenzy over the choice of moniker (Indigo doesn’t really work for me, it’s a little too bogan chic…) like they did when poor little Sunday Rose entered the world. The Adelaide Advertiser are already puzzling over the name, informing us of the following facts… … the infant’s colourful name is likely to attract further scrutiny of Mr Packer’s alternate religious beliefs and previous links to Scientology. Sceptics denouned (sic) belief in the powers of Indigo children, so-called because of their allegedly powerful auras and ability to move things with their minds. According to the new age theory, they are strong-willed and highly-sensitive individuals. A more traditional reading of the baby’s name derives from the indigo plant, which is used for its deep blue dye. Wait… what? How is the idea of “indigo children” linked to Scientology? Now, if they’d named the little one Xenu or Hubbard, I could make a connection. Alternate religious belief (or “hippy shit”, as it’s also known) perhaps – a link to ScienceLOLogy, I’m not so sure. Maybe they are just into horticulture. Or lesbian folk musicians. ATTENTION SCIENTOLOGISTS – THE READING MATERIAL AND DVDS YOU GAVE ME DID NOT COVER ‘INDIGO CHILDREN’ AT ALL*. DO YOU BELIEVE IN SPOON-BENDING PURPLEY KIDS? PLEASE ADVISE, THANK YOU. *ALTHOUGH THERE WAS AN AMUSING ‘HIP HOP’ SONG PERFORMED BY PARTICULARLY STREETWISE SCIENTOLOGIST YOUTHS. More »