Thursday, July 24, 2008
Attention Rough Bogan Ladies Of Australia – Channel Nine Wants YOU!
2:09PM Jess McGuire | Jesus wept. Channel Nine are making a local version of Ladette To Lady, and they’re looking for potential makeover candidates. Do you fit the criteria, vagina owning Defamer Australia readers?
Are you a woman with a loud mouth? A foul-mouth?
Can you drink any bloke under the table?
Are you more interested in footy than fashion?
Are you a domestic disaster?
Consider yourself a party animal?
YES! YES! THAT’S ME! WHY? DO YOU THINK I SOUND LIKE A ‘CATCH’?
If this sounds like you, then you might be a “ladette” – a foul-mouthed, loud and uncultured young woman who needs a crash course in etiquette and manners.
Oh my god. That’s so depressing.
If you’re a filthy beer-swilling lass with the mouth of a trucker, I guess I’ll be seeing you at Eggleston Hall Finishing School later in the year.
Apply here, fellow revolting women. More » 
Words Of Wisdom From P Diddy: “I Just Finished Running, I Just Finished Breathing… I’m Alive!”
1:04PM Jess McGuire | P Diddy is actually running. He’s running. With ten fingers and ten toes.
Uh-huh. Words to live by. More » 
NPH Sweeps The Clouds Away As The Shoe Fairy On ‘Sesame Street’
11:00AM Mark Graham | · Ever since Neil Patrick Harris warned told the world back in February that he would be appearing as The Shoe Fairy on an episode of Sesame Street, we have been waiting for the mystical unicorn rider to appear on our local PBS affiliate. Fortunately for all of us, our long wait is now over. And while we are slightly sad to report that this clip does not have him uttering the line “I am the greatest fairy in all the land” (that bon mot must’ve landed on the cutting room floor), we have better news to share. Prepare yourselves for … a musical number! [Sesame Street] · While we were excited to introduce you to young Levi Alves McConaughey earlier today, a closer look at the photos shows that America’s youngest stoner is already developing some rippling abs! [Best Week Ever] · In the upcoming remake of Friday The 13th, Jason Voorhees has a mullet. This does not bode well. [Friday The 13th Blog] · Is the bloom off Joss Whedon’s rose? We’ll always love and revere him for BtVS, but after getting feedback from the suits at Fox about the pilot episode he shot for Dollhouse, he’s going back to the drawing board to rescript and reshoot the whole damn thing. [Vulture] · Thankfully, this season’s TCA press tour has come to a close. THR’s James Hibberd put together an easy-to-digest recap, which features this refreshingly honest description from the EP of the new Crash television series about how his show will differ from its Academy Award winning source material: “I didn’t want the series to feel somber. Or didactic. Or heavy handed. This is a fun show. The show is not bleak. Or depressing.” We’re sure Paul Haggis would agree. [The Live Feed]Wow, We Never Realised We Were So Influential In New Zealand
10:48AM Jess McGuire | Just weeks after Defamer Australia inflicted Phil Collins’ ‘Don’t Lose My Number’ on you and declaring we rated it “eighty thousand out of ten” while expressing sadness at never being able to catch Phil Collins in concert now that we’ve developed a new found appreciation for him, our cousins across the Tasman have made Phil number one with a bullet on their singles chart! Collins’s song In The Air Tonight, from the 1981 album Face Value, has hit the top spot in the New Zealand charts. It has also topped the iTunes video singles charts. It’s resurgance in the charts can be attributed to a popular ad for Cadbury’s Dairy Milk chocolate, which started screening in New Zealand on June 23. If features a stern gorilla playing drums along to the Phil Collins song. Well, you could attribute it to the YouTube phenomenon of the gorilla-playing-drums, but we prefer to be slightly insane around these parts and just assume we had a hand in this. Either that, or Phil Collins has recently returned from a meeting at the crossroads of US 61 and US 49 in Clarksdale, Mississippi. A place which is cold all the time, surrounded by ocean, and celebrates Phil Collins without shame? I’m almost tempted to move to Wellington, you know. More »
Bloody SAG Coup Could Result In Banana Actor Republic
10:23AM Seth | With the studios’ post-final-offer, post-AFTRA-vote concession of $10 million in pay raises to SAG still having failed to bring the two sides together in a starry-eyed embrace, nervous Guild delegates are beginning to wonder if their president Alan Rosenberg—”The kind of guy that would trade heated words with his own clown mother, if it meant pushing his resolutions through!” whispered some—is really the man for the job. Now, a small resistance has sprouted from inside; calling themselves United for Strength, the celebrity freedom fighters spend all night mimeographing manifestos in the basement of a Fairfax Ave. Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf. From the LAT: More »
Tyler Perry Locks Up Three-Year Crossdressing Pact With Lionsgate
10:10AM Defamer Hollywood | After a nearly four-year partnership that has yielded only the finest in crossdressing minstrelsy and Cosby-kid jail-ho cameos, Lionsgate and Tyler Perry today announced a new development pact for the glitter-shitting auteur through at least 2011. According to a press release issued this afternoon, the deal picks up after the release of Perry’s next two films — The Family That Preys and Madea Goes to Jail (infamously co-starring Keshia Knight Pulliam in the plum role of “Imprisoned Hooker”) — and will keep the ‘Gate in the lucrative Perry DVD business for the foreseeable future as well. More »Anything Young Labor Can Do, The Young Liberals Can Do Better
10:01AM Jess McGuire | Ahh, politics. Every time I read about the playful antics of the kids involved in Young Anything parties, it makes me wish I’d gotten involved in student politics during my brief time at university. This would have required me lasting longer than six months at my tertiary institution of choice, but at least I probably would have been drinking the same amount. Hot on the heels of Young Labor’s exceptional booze up earlier this year, the Young Liberals have hopped aboard the metaphorical Vengabus and behaved dreadfully. Heavily-intoxicated Liberal students have been thrown out and banned from a Canberra youth hostel after an all-night drinking rampage. About 40 university students from the Australian Liberal Students’ Federation – some of them Young Liberals – were evicted after being caught swearing, spitting and kicking walls earlier this month. Witnesses have told The Daily Telegraph that two drunk Liberal students were caught having sex in the hostel after a pub crawl and that organisers of the conference supplied free bottles of vodka to attendees. Shameful behaviour. But if it makes the moral majority feel any better, at least we can be confident the sex was quick, unsatisfactory, and probably followed by some crying. More »
Charlotte Dawson Has Been Eating All The Pies
9:37AM Clem Bastow | As if we needed any further proof that Charlotte Dawson is an all ’round tops chick, she has added “champion pie eater” to her resume.
What’s that, you say, Charlotte’s stacked it on? No more corsetted Alex Perry gowns for her!
Except you’d be wrong:
Using her gob to gobble up the tasty treats at Harry’s Cafe De Wheels, the Foxtel femme beat off her younger TV rival from Nickelodeon Kyle Linehan in the Virgin Mobile food fight. Dawson downed her pie-and-mushy-pea dish in record time, during a promo for the phone carrier’s “All You Can Eat” campaign.
So far, so advertorial (top work, Confidential!), but it does allow us the opportunity to post the greatest photo of the year so far:
Now there’s one for the wallet if ever I saw one!
Charlotte Dawson for Prime Minister! More » 
Michael Clarke Will Make These Children Paaaaay!
9:27AM Clem Bastow | It’s always nice to hear that Australia’s model bedding cricketing heroes are doing something for the kids – like WeetBix commercials, or cricketing coaching sessions at the local orphanage.
Or, if you’re Michael Clarke, charging schoolkids $50 to have a photo taken alongside him. That’s the Aussie sporting spirit, Pup!
Except, wait a second, it looks like it’s the school’s bright idea. Even better!
A Brisbane Catholic school has some of its flock in a flap after announcing a plan to charge kids $50 to have their photo taken with cricketing star Michael Clarke and his baggy green cap at their fete.
Clarke and fiancee Lara Bingle will attend the St Columba’s Primary School fete on August 2 in an appearance agreed upon through his manager Chris White, whose children attend the school.
And while pictures of the future Australian skipper without his sacred green cap will be free, a snap of Clarke and the child with the cap on is being sold for $50 – with all money going towards the construction of an outdoor, undercover sporting shelter for the school in Brisbane’s northern suburb of Wilston.
Well, that’s kind of disappointing. It would’ve been better if the story had gone along the lines of Clarke charging the children $100 each just to talk to him, while he and Bingle teased them to the point of tears, and then said something like, “F–k this pie stand, let’s go to the Hog’s Breath Cafe” before turning over some fete stalls and riding out of the school on a Harley.
A girl can dream, right? More » 
The Farmer Is A Little Too Picky For His Own Good
9:23AM Jess McGuire | The break out star of this year’s series of The Farmer Wants A Wife is without a doubt James, who has delighted me for the following reasons.
· Described by a clearly delusional and desperate potential love interest on the show as “a blonder Patrick Swayze”
· Has trained his dog to fetch him liquor from the esky. He simply repeats the words “Get me a beer… get me a beer… get me a beer…” over and over until the dog obeys by bringing over a long neck.
· Chose Cherie to “go back to the farm with him” because “she would keep beer cold”. As she was the only one chugging a schooner of ale during the selection process, he was probably right. His priorities thrill me.
· While the other fellows cleaned up their houses, put new sheets on the spare beds, and got their mother’s advice before taking two lucky would-be farmer’s wives back to their respective properties, James went to the shops to purchase home brewing gear in anticipation of Cherie drinking him out of house and home.
· Let’s not forget his reaction to one of the hotter ladies in his pack of wannabe wives stating that she adored horses and would love to have just one on the farm with her if she ever settled down with him – “Go and buy 20 acres and you can do what you like on your own property.” So that’s a no then, James? This may be why you’re single.
I’ve missed the last two episodes due to being away at various places, but it seems James hasn’t improved much, calling the two women he picked as his final pair as “rough as guts” and “an aging body clock”.
Dissing the women he’s meant to be wooing on Nine’s matchmaker series, The Farmer Wants A Wife, the 36-year-old sheep and wheat man has dipped himself in it by blasting his two “picks”.
Suffering from a bad case of foot-in-mouth disease, James first bagged one suitor, Cherie, as being “rough as guts”, then condemned the other, Toni, as no more than an aging “body clock”.
James shows remarkable honesty in admitting why he chose these rough, borderline elderly women as potential partners.
“I chose Cherie because Ithought she was a character, but once I got to know her she was as rough as guts,” James said in the latest edition of TV Week. “She needed a 44-gallon drum of spit to shine her up! The only reason I picked her was because I didn’t have much choice. Some of the other guys had 200 women apply, but I only had 24,” he said.
That’s probably about 24 more than you’re going to have chasing you in the future, James. More » 