Jesus wept. Channel Nine are making a local version of Ladette To Lady, and they're looking for potential makeover candidates. Do you fit the criteria, vagina owning Defamer Australia readers?

Are you a woman with a loud mouth? A foul-mouth?
Can you drink any bloke under the table?
Are you more interested in footy than fashion?
Are you a domestic disaster?
Consider yourself a party animal?

YES! YES! THAT'S ME! WHY? DO YOU THINK I SOUND LIKE A 'CATCH'?

If this sounds like you, then you might be a "ladette" - a foul-mouthed, loud and uncultured young woman who needs a crash course in etiquette and manners.

Oh my god. That's so depressing.

If you're a filthy beer-swilling lass with the mouth of a trucker, I guess I'll be seeing you at Eggleston Hall Finishing School later in the year.

Apply here, fellow revolting women.

P Diddy is actually running. He's running. With ten fingers and ten toes.

Uh-huh. Words to live by.

· Ever since Neil Patrick Harris warned told the world back in February that he would be appearing as The Shoe Fairy on an episode of Sesame Street, we have been waiting for the mystical unicorn rider to appear on our local PBS affiliate. Fortunately for all of us, our long wait is now over. And while we are slightly sad to report that this clip does not have him uttering the line "I am the greatest fairy in all the land" (that bon mot must've landed on the cutting room floor), we have better news to share. Prepare yourselves for ... a musical number! [Sesame Street]
· While we were excited to introduce you to young Levi Alves McConaughey earlier today, a closer look at the photos shows that America's youngest stoner is already developing some rippling abs! [Best Week Ever]
· In the upcoming remake of Friday The 13th, Jason Voorhees has a mullet. This does not bode well. [Friday The 13th Blog]
· Is the bloom off Joss Whedon's rose? We'll always love and revere him for BtVS, but after getting feedback from the suits at Fox about the pilot episode he shot for Dollhouse, he's going back to the drawing board to rescript and reshoot the whole damn thing. [Vulture]
· Thankfully, this season's TCA press tour has come to a close. THR's James Hibberd put together an easy-to-digest recap, which features this refreshingly honest description from the EP of the new Crash television series about how his show will differ from its Academy Award winning source material: "I didn't want the series to feel somber. Or didactic. Or heavy handed. This is a fun show. The show is not bleak. Or depressing." We're sure Paul Haggis would agree. [The Live Feed]

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Just weeks after Defamer Australia inflicted Phil Collins' 'Don't Lose My Number' on you and declaring we rated it "eighty thousand out of ten" while expressing sadness at never being able to catch Phil Collins in concert now that we've developed a new found appreciation for him, our cousins across the Tasman have made Phil number one with a bullet on their singles chart!

Collins's song In The Air Tonight, from the 1981 album Face Value, has hit the top spot in the New Zealand charts. It has also topped the iTunes video singles charts.

It's resurgance in the charts can be attributed to a popular ad for Cadbury's Dairy Milk chocolate, which started screening in New Zealand on June 23.

If features a stern gorilla playing drums along to the Phil Collins song.

Well, you could attribute it to the YouTube phenomenon of the gorilla-playing-drums, but we prefer to be slightly insane around these parts and just assume we had a hand in this. Either that, or Phil Collins has recently returned from a meeting at the crossroads of US 61 and US 49 in Clarksdale, Mississippi.

A place which is cold all the time, surrounded by ocean, and celebrates Phil Collins without shame? I'm almost tempted to move to Wellington, you know.

With the studios' post-final-offer, post-AFTRA-vote concession of $10 million in pay raises to SAG still having failed to bring the two sides together in a starry-eyed embrace, nervous Guild delegates are beginning to wonder if their president Alan Rosenberg—"The kind of guy that would trade heated words with his own clown mother, if it meant pushing his resolutions through!" whispered some—is really the man for the job. Now, a small resistance has sprouted from inside; calling themselves United for Strength, the celebrity freedom fighters spend all night mimeographing manifestos in the basement of a Fairfax Ave. Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf. From the LAT:

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After a nearly four-year partnership that has yielded only the finest in crossdressing minstrelsy and Cosby-kid jail-ho cameos, Lionsgate and Tyler Perry today announced a new development pact for the glitter-shitting auteur through at least 2011. According to a press release issued this afternoon, the deal picks up after the release of Perry's next two films — The Family That Preys and Madea Goes to Jail (infamously co-starring Keshia Knight Pulliam in the plum role of "Imprisoned Hooker") — and will keep the 'Gate in the lucrative Perry DVD business for the foreseeable future as well.

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Ahh, politics. Every time I read about the playful antics of the kids involved in Young Anything parties, it makes me wish I'd gotten involved in student politics during my brief time at university. This would have required me lasting longer than six months at my tertiary institution of choice, but at least I probably would have been drinking the same amount.

Hot on the heels of Young Labor's exceptional booze up earlier this year, the Young Liberals have hopped aboard the metaphorical Vengabus and behaved dreadfully.

Heavily-intoxicated Liberal students have been thrown out and banned from a Canberra youth hostel after an all-night drinking rampage. About 40 university students from the Australian Liberal Students' Federation - some of them Young Liberals - were evicted after being caught swearing, spitting and kicking walls earlier this month.

Witnesses have told The Daily Telegraph that two drunk Liberal students were caught having sex in the hostel after a pub crawl and that organisers of the conference supplied free bottles of vodka to attendees.

Shameful behaviour. But if it makes the moral majority feel any better, at least we can be confident the sex was quick, unsatisfactory, and probably followed by some crying.

As if we needed any further proof that Charlotte Dawson is an all 'round tops chick, she has added "champion pie eater" to her resume.

What's that, you say, Charlotte's stacked it on? No more corsetted Alex Perry gowns for her!

Except you'd be wrong:

Using her gob to gobble up the tasty treats at Harry's Cafe De Wheels, the Foxtel femme beat off her younger TV rival from Nickelodeon Kyle Linehan in the Virgin Mobile food fight. Dawson downed her pie-and-mushy-pea dish in record time, during a promo for the phone carrier's "All You Can Eat" campaign.

So far, so advertorial (top work, Confidential!), but it does allow us the opportunity to post the greatest photo of the year so far:

Now there's one for the wallet if ever I saw one!

Charlotte Dawson for Prime Minister!

It's always nice to hear that Australia's model bedding cricketing heroes are doing something for the kids - like WeetBix commercials, or cricketing coaching sessions at the local orphanage.

Or, if you're Michael Clarke, charging schoolkids $50 to have a photo taken alongside him. That's the Aussie sporting spirit, Pup!

Except, wait a second, it looks like it's the school's bright idea. Even better!

A Brisbane Catholic school has some of its flock in a flap after announcing a plan to charge kids $50 to have their photo taken with cricketing star Michael Clarke and his baggy green cap at their fete.

Clarke and fiancee Lara Bingle will attend the St Columba's Primary School fete on August 2 in an appearance agreed upon through his manager Chris White, whose children attend the school.

And while pictures of the future Australian skipper without his sacred green cap will be free, a snap of Clarke and the child with the cap on is being sold for $50 - with all money going towards the construction of an outdoor, undercover sporting shelter for the school in Brisbane's northern suburb of Wilston.

Well, that's kind of disappointing. It would've been better if the story had gone along the lines of Clarke charging the children $100 each just to talk to him, while he and Bingle teased them to the point of tears, and then said something like, "F--k this pie stand, let's go to the Hog's Breath Cafe" before turning over some fete stalls and riding out of the school on a Harley.

A girl can dream, right?

The break out star of this year's series of The Farmer Wants A Wife is without a doubt James, who has delighted me for the following reasons.

· Described by a clearly delusional and desperate potential love interest on the show as "a blonder Patrick Swayze"

· Has trained his dog to fetch him liquor from the esky. He simply repeats the words "Get me a beer... get me a beer... get me a beer..." over and over until the dog obeys by bringing over a long neck.

· Chose Cherie to "go back to the farm with him" because "she would keep beer cold". As she was the only one chugging a schooner of ale during the selection process, he was probably right. His priorities thrill me.

· While the other fellows cleaned up their houses, put new sheets on the spare beds, and got their mother's advice before taking two lucky would-be farmer's wives back to their respective properties, James went to the shops to purchase home brewing gear in anticipation of Cherie drinking him out of house and home.

· Let's not forget his reaction to one of the hotter ladies in his pack of wannabe wives stating that she adored horses and would love to have just one on the farm with her if she ever settled down with him - "Go and buy 20 acres and you can do what you like on your own property." So that's a no then, James? This may be why you're single.

I've missed the last two episodes due to being away at various places, but it seems James hasn't improved much, calling the two women he picked as his final pair as "rough as guts" and "an aging body clock".

Dissing the women he's meant to be wooing on Nine's matchmaker series, The Farmer Wants A Wife, the 36-year-old sheep and wheat man has dipped himself in it by blasting his two "picks".

Suffering from a bad case of foot-in-mouth disease, James first bagged one suitor, Cherie, as being "rough as guts", then condemned the other, Toni, as no more than an aging "body clock".

James shows remarkable honesty in admitting why he chose these rough, borderline elderly women as potential partners.

"I chose Cherie because Ithought she was a character, but once I got to know her she was as rough as guts," James said in the latest edition of TV Week. "She needed a 44-gallon drum of spit to shine her up! The only reason I picked her was because I didn't have much choice. Some of the other guys had 200 women apply, but I only had 24," he said.

That's probably about 24 more than you're going to have chasing you in the future, James.

The last time, if I remember correctly, that we saw the family Winehouse out and about together was after Amy won her Grammy Awards earlier in the year. So it was lovely to log on to The Daily Mail this morning and see them all having a ball together... except, hang on, something's not quite right with Amy:

Fooled you all, it's a wax dummy! Winehouse has been Tussauds'd!

Amy Winehouse's parents Mitch and Janis unveiled a wax figure of the troubled singer - complete with trademark beehive and sailor tattoos - at London's Madame Tussauds today.

But observers couldn't help but note the 6ft dummy was a rather flattering depiction of the 26-year-old - her scratched, red raw arms and scabby skin glossed over by sculptors.

The discrepancy wasn't lost on her father, who later told GMTV: 'We're going to take this one home with us and send the real one back.'

That's the spirit, Dad! Meanwhile, where's your living, breathing daughter? What's that, wasted on crack and talking to a fire hydrant she thinks is a McDonalds employee?

Carry on, then!

Taking time out from her busy schedule packed full of water balloon lobbing and screaming "why can't I make her break?!" at the full moon, Australia's Next Top Model "winner" Demelza Reveley has begun her modelling career in earnest.

This involved doing a trade show to launch Saba's latest collection - not much news there, but I do like this vaguely damning faint praise that her agent (and AusNTM judge) Priscilla Leighton Clarke whipped up for the bullying teenager:

"I'm not going to throw her in the deep end because she's only 16 - Alice Burdeu was 20 and there's a big difference in what she was able to take on," she said.

Reveley is set to make a chaperoned step on to the international stage next month, visiting casting agents in New York.

The translation there is, "I'm not going to throw her in the deep end because unlike Alice, she does not have what it takes to be an actual top model. We've got some great Big W catalogue jobs that will look just darling on her."

Or so I'm told.

With news that the MPAA has given Kevin Smith's "hey—let's put on a sex show!" movie Zack and Miri Make A Porno—starring Seth Rogen and Elizabeth Banks and due for release this Halloween—a dreaded NC-17 rating, we turned to Defamer senior editor and resident Weinsteinologist S.T. VanAirsdale for analysis. The result was an iChat exchange we're seriously considering printing up and affixing to our fridge with a taxi-shaped magnet.

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It's that time of year again, when Hollywood's biggest stars harvest their multiplex crops, drop the hammer on their mums and size up their places among Forbes's annual list of highest-paid movie stars. As we've come to expect, it's Will Smith's world, with the megastar and noted Scientology-school patron raking in $80 million since last June; the remainder of the list comprises mainstays like Johnny Depp ($72 million) and Leonardo DiCaprio ($45 million) along with slip-sliding shockers including Eddie Murphy and Mike Myers, each tied at $55 million thanks in large part to the Shrek franchise's enduring success.

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We'll admit to not having yet fully absorbed yesterday's news that Estelle Getty had shuffled off this mortal coil to the 1912-Sicily-in-the-sky. Stalled as we are in the early, "Why couldn't it have been someone from Empty Nest?!"-stages of the Kübler-Ross model, we hand you over now to YouTube video diarist fromthe60s. His lachrymal remembrance of "one of the funniest people I ever got to see on TV" is surely the most moving—if not the moistest—user-generated-video testimonial since Leave Britney Alone Guy beseeched us to leave Britney alone. We swear, without the courageousness of Young Gays Who Feel Too Much, there'd be literally nothing to do all day at the office besides work.

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Luckily we had the Shirley MacLaine/Elisabeth Hasselbeck Radionics Smackdown to distract us from the true dark cloud hanging over The View's studios yesterday. Namely, the release of a new Sherri Shepherd interview in Born Again Diva Illustrated, in which she talked openly about her rough past of crack-addicted sisters, abusive boyfriends, promiscuous activity, and—most troubling of all—"more abortions than I'd like to count." On the show today, Shepherd acknowledged that she had admitted to having had "a lot of abortions." It was an announcement that landed with a thud, rendering even Joy Behar unable to produce an appropriate wisecrack ("Oh, honey—talk about Living Lohan!" Audience laughter...applause...) to lighten the somber mood.

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A veritable murderer's row of egos, tempers and divas, Defamer's All-Strop Team is on fire in recent weeks with heavy-hitters from Mike Myers to Edward Norton to Eddie Murphy digging new box-office holes around the country. But the heart and soul of the line-up, Jim Carrey, will get at least one more chance this fall to knock a bomb out of the yard with his forthcoming Yes Man; based on the memoir by British humorist Danny Wallace, the film follows the life changes of a downbeat man who decides to say yes to everything. The A-list set-urinator reportedly accepted no money up front for the title role, inspiring us to wonder exactly who is benefiting from the aggressive product placement spotlighted in this new trailer. Is Zooey Deschanel really commanding such lucre already? This has All-Strop rookie of the year written all over it. [YouTube]

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We forwarded Matthew McConaughey's people your favourite suggestions of Bongo Romcom and Miller Chill, but it seems he chose to go the Old Timey Gold Prospector route, and named his son Levi Alves. The OK! magazine exclusive currently gracing Gelson's checkout aisles and 7-Eleven service counters reportedly netted McConaughey $3 million; paired with the earnings from his Beef Guild spots, this additional income allows the actor the freedom to pursue smaller passion projects like Surfer, Dude. Flanked on the cover by girlfriend Camila Alves and tiny, perfect Levi, McConaughey still manages to maintain sultry eye-contact with the camera, as if to say, "Yeah, I'm a dad. But I'm not dead. Catch my drift? Is anyone else's shirt chaffing them? Boy, I could sure go for a lobster roll. Is there a clam shack in the area?" McConaughey explained to the magazine how the delivery room was transformed into an flip-flop-devouring bongo-vortex:

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Three months is apparently an eternity in comic-book years: Just when we thought we'd gotten our heads around the impact of Iron Man's smashing success, it looks like that The Dark Knight's Batrocket into the box-office record books (another $24.6 million on Monday!) necessitates a whole new flurry of comics-centric development around Hollywood. And while Wired has a roundup of movers and shakers basking in collective geek glows of summer hits also including Wanted, Hellboy II and The Incredible Hulk, newly flush Warner Bros. handed off a chunk of the spotlight to slumping Bryan Singer just for the hell of it:

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How's this for an unlikely couple? Former CSI star-turned-drug-runner Gary Dourdan and the singer responsible for the most annoying song of the decade, James Blunt, have apparently pooled together whatever cash they have left in their respective bank accounts and gone on holiday together. While on an Ibizan vacation of sin, the heroin/ecstasy enthusiast and the notorious player teamed up to stage a far racier version of Miley Cyrus' homemade porny photo spreads, as they posed alongside at least three topless prostitutes female friends who were overjoyed to fake anal sex and engage in a little lesbian chic foreplay for the paparazzi. The NSFW photos, including a particularly fun shot of the blondest, nude-iest girl for hire who appears to be delighted to have her head shoved towards the third wheel's crotch, after the jump:

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We return you live to the frontlines of the Dark Knight Dark Publicity™ campaign, where the comely star of the highest-opening movie of all time—we swear we're looking for any photo that registers less than "sweltering" on the Bat-Hunk Meter, and coming up short— is facing down his most formidable foe yet: His professional clown mother, Momzo. Here's all the latest:
· The Daily Mail is reporting that Bale "flew off the handle" when his mother said "some outrageous things" about the actor's wife, makeup artist Sandra "Sibi" Blazic. He responded by calling her some very heated, un-Batmanly-like things, and was charged with Class 5 verbal assault, the least aggravated of all verbal-assault classes. (Class 1 is when you start entering the "You farty nincompoop!!!"-area. Thank god he didn't go there.) [Fox News]

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The independent-film slaughterhouse revved back into action this morning with news that Red Envelope Entertainment, the acquisitions and financing division of Netflix, shut its doors after three years. The division helped underwrite and/or release titles including the Maggie Gyllenhaal drama Sherrybaby, the Oscar-nominated documentary No End in Sight and Julie Delpy's directorial debut Two Days in Paris; it's last film appears to be the psychosexual Ben Kingsley/Penelope Cruz drama Elegy, opening next month.

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