Friday, July 18, 2008
Do You See What Melbourne Confidential Did There, Thorpey?
1:43PM Clem Bastow | Whether we like it or not (and I don’t), and particularly since he’s stopped swimming competitively and tends to hang out at fashion events and on Australia’s Next Top Model, Ian Thorpe’s sexuality has become a hotly debated topic of conversation amongst the gossip set.
To wit, this piece from today’s Herald Sun Confidential, which is a run-on from discussing an interview Thorpe gave in Who in which he was evasive about his love life:
Gender specifics aside, the real test may come when the Foxtel personality appears on Rove to promote the History Channel’s swimming special this Sunday night.
How will Thorpe respond to Rove’s trademark question “Who would you turn gay for?”
What would be great would be if Thorpey turned up clutching a handbag, squealed about Armani and Liza Minelli all night, and then hollered “BARBRA STREISAND!!” when Rove asks said question, before dumping a bucket of porridge on Rove’s head, shouting “punk’d!” and then performing Judas Priest’s Breakin’ The Law as a torch song backed by the Tony Bartuccio Dancers.
That ought to at least shut them up through the powers of extreme confusion if nothing else. More » 
‘Dark Knight’ Ticket Sales So Record-Breaking They Don’t Even Exist Yet!
1:34PM Clem Bastow | Continuing in our “ner ner, we got it before you guys” coverage of The Dark Knight, an eagle-eyed reader sent us through this little doozy from today’s Age online edition (via AP), trumpeting with the headline, “Record breaking Dark Knight ticket sales“.
Whoa! Record breaking! Gimme some of those delicious statistics, stat!
Except, er, there are no statistics in the story:
US ticket sales for the latest Batman movie, The Dark Knight, are through the roof, with fans heading to early screenings in Batman gear and the buzz growing over Heath Ledger’s last performance before his death.
Hundreds of midnight showtimes are sold out across the United States, and ticket-seller Fandango, which allows people to purchase tickets before heading to the theatre, predicts tomorrow will be the biggest ticket-selling day in company history. The movie is playing on 4,300 screens.
Aaand – the use of the word “predicts” there is key – save for a few fan interviews, academic theories about the nature of superhero blockbusters and notable quotes from the cinema equivalent of the croaky voiced taco dude from The Simpsons, that’s it.
No mention of which record said ticket sales are breaking, no previous records set, no nuffin’.
I mean, I love Batman, too, guys, but surely this is stretching it a bit? More » 
For The Catholic Mobile Phone Users Out There… Get Your World Youth Day Ringtone!
12:04PM Jess McGuire | With Papalpaloooza rolling on, there’s never been a better time to revel in all things Vatican! I have managed to fly into Sydney just in time for the official kick off of World Youth Day(s!) and boy, this town just feels electric right now, you know? The kids are young, wholesome fun, and full of Christ… and occasionally quite spunky (water, water everywhere but not a drop to “tap”).
I must say though, all the middle aged pilgrim dudes are kind of freaky looking, strolling the streets of the city with a weird glint in their eyes. They resemble the sort of folk who should be getting grilled by Benson and Stabler on Law & Order: SVU rather than responsible adults in charge of escorting impressionable youths around a strange town. Whatever. Why are there so many grown up pilgrims anyway? Pope groupies? It’s World Youth Day, dudes. As an associate quipped this morning, “They’re like Toolies!”
Moving on to other World Youth Day-related matters… I received a rather delightful email from reader Shane today, and felt I had to share it with you all.
Dear Defamer,
In between trying to choose which menu item I should go to choose a new ring tone, would it be ‘Burps, Farts or Orgasms’ or ‘Rad Animal Sound FX’ I noticed that Vodafone had given me a third choice, World Youth Day Songs!
Here’s what I can choose from, unfortunately there’s no ‘Hole In The Sky’ by Black Sabbath.
Mother Mary – Foxboro Hottubs.
Jesus Christ (chorus) – Brand New
Jesus of Suburbia – Green Day.
We Believe – Good Charlotte.
I Believe – Paulini.
You Raise Me Up – Josh Groban.
Oh God – Jamie Cullum.
Celebration – Kylie Minogue.
Get The Party Started – Pink.
You’re The Voice – John Farnham.
Youth of the Nation – P.O.D
Get Together – Madonna
Chocolate Pope – Electric Six.
Are You With Me – The Potbellez.
I think they may have the right idea with a few of those artists, but they’ve chosen the wrong song from the back catalogue. I would have gone with:
Pink – U + UR Hand
Madonna – Like A Prayer
Electric Six – Gay Bar
Kylie Minogue – Better The Devil You Know
But that’s just me. And I am an idiot.
Also – am I the only one surprised that Pope Benedict XVI didn’t make amazing use of the acronym OMG in his very hip text message to Catholics?
Stay Holy, and remember – don’t be a hater. This is a MAGICAL WONDERFUL EVENT FOR THE ENTIRE WORLD and anyone who disagrees should just stop dwelling crankily on sad things. More » 
Talk Show Breaks Out at Race Riot
11:00AM Defamer Hollywood | After holding it in through years of her own private hell, the N-word finally makes Elisabeth Hasselbeck cry. We salute Whoopi Goldberg’s restraint in not climbing over the table and drying her tears one slap at a time. [The View] Carpetbagger blogger David Carr’s crack-rock memoir The Night of the Gun give Emily Gould a run for her NYT Magazine money. [NYTM] Matthew McConaughey plans to start a record label; three guesses as to what kind of music he’ll feature. Actually, no. One guess. [NYP] Roman Polanski wants the LA District Attorney to review the new documentary about his sketchy 1978 rape conviction. Another review? Is it being re-released again? [NYT] Hooray for Hollywood, home of the second-worst industry growth rate in the country! [THR] Zach Braff is leaving Scrubs — conveniently enough, only a few seasons after its viewers did. [Variety] More »
The Three Most Annoying Aspects Of Justin Timberlake’s Latest Jessica Simpson Impersonation
10:30AM Molly Friedman | As we’ve noted in the past, Stinky master of predicting the future of love sounds Justin Timberlake isn’t quite on the level of Richard Pryor or Lenny Bruce when it comes to comedy routines. After failing to elicit laughs at the Rock ‘n Roll Hall of Fame earlier this year, and trying out the rarely-cute attempt to evade relationship questions on Leno, Timberlake is evidently still fixated on proving he’s just bursting with comedic prowess. His latest stunt? Impersonating Jessica Simpson at the Timberlake-hosted ESPYs, airing this Sunday, by wearing a cheap blonde wig, standing in front of a cut-out of her daisy dukes, and making frightening facial expressions supposedly meant to resemble the time-traveling Tony Romo groupie. The good news? Despite these photos doing little to inspire even a smirk from us, we feel the need to point out Timberlake’s impressively hilarious impersonations of the past on Saturday Night Live, both as a tweaked out awesomer-than-thou Ashton Kutcher, and a far better Jessica Simpson impression years before:
An Australian Has Been Nominated For An Award, We Repeat, An Australian Has Been Nominated For An Award!
10:08AM Clem Bastow | Long time Defamer Australia readers will know how much we just love seeing the Australian press wet themselves when one of ours is touched by the hands of the gods and gifted with an award nomination on the hallowed shores of America or Britain, so they’ll no doubt be rustling their Thesauruses in glee at the news that Rachel Griffiths has picked up her fourth Emmy Award nomination.
Break out the Bolly, sweetchops!
Rachel Griffiths has picked up her fourth Emmy Award nomination for her role opposite dual Academy Award winner Sally Field in US drama series Brothers and Sisters.
In Australia filming Rachel Ward directed and Bryan Brown produced feature film Beautiful Kate, Rachel Griffiths, 39, happily toasted the best supporting actress nomination news with close friends and family following the announcement after 11pm last night.
“I got a call telling me I had been nominated when I was out to dinner with friends in Australia,” the mother of two told Variety magazine.
“We were just finishing up and were determined to go home not too drunk and not too late. Then we heard the news and got champagne and stayed an extra hour.”
Bless. Also, I feel we should take this moment to welcome Griffiths in our “top celeb chicks we’d sink the piss with” list (she now breathes the same rarefied air as Sienna Miller and Charlotte Church).
And that’s a nomination to write home about if ever there was one! More » 
Ambitious Colin Farrell Tell-All Now Casting Suckers With $20
10:00AM Defamer Hollywood | The most important, non-hamster-related casting news of the summer trickled into Defamer’s inbox today, with the modestly subject-lined “MOTHER OF ALL PRESS RELEASES” issuing a heads-up for anyone interested in auditioning for author Dessarae Bradford’s adaptation of her book, Colin Farrell: A Dark Twisted Puppy.
‘Neighbours’ Is All White On The Night: Report
9:44AM Clem Bastow | Here’s a report that should by rights surprise no one who has watched an episode of Neighbours in the entire history of the soap opera’s, er, history, but which is nonetheless disappointing considering the world we live in (i.e. one that isn’t solely populated by WASPs and the occasional swarthy Italian): Neighbours is too white:
Australian TV soap Neighbours in which Kylie Minogue first found fame has been branded “too white” by black and Asian viewers in Britain.
A report by the nation’s racial equality chief found many ethnic viewers felt were under-represented in some of Britain’s most popular shows.
Neighbours, which is screened on the Five network, and the BBC comedy The Vicar of Dibley starring Dawn French were singled out for being “all white”.
Other popular soaps including the BBC’s Eastenders and ITV’s Coronation Street also came under attack for including stereotypical characters such as Asian shopkeepers and black single mums.
They’re pretty much on the money – the only non-white characters I can remember on Neighbours (and I’ve only recently given it up after years of faithful viewing) were a single Asian mother giving birth on the side of the road one time, Conor’s ex-stripper Asian babymama, and, er, anyone else got anything?
Oh and there was Lil and her family, who were what, Serbian? And they went down in a plane crash. Good track record, Neighbours! More » 
No More Kerr-Bloom/Kerr-Boom Gags For You!
9:34AM Clem Bastow | Seemingly even before the virtual newsprint ink had dried on some of the most shameless punning headlines in recent memory – “Kerr-Splat”, “Kerr-Bloom Kerr-Put”, “Love’s Bloom Is Lost” – it seems that Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom’s apparent split (and further, her alleged seeking of solace in the arms of Brandon “Oily Peanut Butter Elvis” Davis) was little more than a scurrilous rumour.
We know this because Miranda’s little brother has come out guns blazing!
22-year-old Matthew Kerr is in a solid position to denounce the rumours – he was with his famous sister when she was chatting to Davis at the venue.
“We were just out with a few other friends from Australia having a good time and we bumped into Brandon while we were at 10ak,” Matthew said.
“They have been friends for a while and we just said hi, chatted for a bit and that was it,” he said.
“There definitely wasn’t any kissing – nothing could be further from the truth.”
As though that wasn’t enough, Mama Kerr then also poured cold water on the rumours, mentioning casually that Bloom and Kerr were about to spend a romantic holiday in Paris (the Gallic paparazzo contingent no doubt thanks her for the heads up).
However, not to be outdone, the Daily Telegraph and news.com.au found the time to squeeze in one last double whammy of punning excellence, with the titles of these linked-in galleries:
# Pictures: Kerriffic
# Pictures: Phwoarlando
Thank you, Daily Telegraph, for keeping the dream alive. More » 
