As our siblings at Gizmodo Australia noted today, if you're planning on filming or vlogging The Dark Knight, or even sending a cheeky MMS of Heath Ledger's The Joker ramming [SPOILER FREE] into someone's [SPOILER FREE], think again - robotic cinema ushers will be readying themselves to blast you into a fine, bloody mist with their laser beams.

Well, not quite, but they will be scanning the seats for potential Batman pirates with the help of night-vision goggles:

In what is believed to be a first for an Australian film release, Village Roadshow has urged all exhibitors to use the goggles in the first screenings of the film, which will be seen here almost two days before its US and European release.

In a memo to exhibitors yesterday, Roadshow asked that staff use the goggles to identify anyone filming the movie.

"Should anyone be caught filming on anything, regardless if it is a mobile phone, PDA or camera, security should discreetly walk over to them and ask them to leave the cinema," the memo says.

And if they don't leave the cinema, they ushers will turn the lights on, stop the projector, and tell everyone that they're not watching the rest of the movie until SOMEONE owns up, and you're also not having any pudding tonight.

And then they blast you into a fine, bloody mist with their laser beams

Continuing our celebration of all things Helen Mirren today, please enjoy this delightful skit from French & Saunders.

When rock icons of yesteryear clash... Former frontman of The Jam/The Style Council, the mod king himself Paul Weller, has spoken out against Sex Pistol (and reality television star) John Lydon, stating that Lydon has - thanks to his appearances on shows like I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here - become the "antithesis" of Johnny Rotten.

"I don't really understand him anymore," Weller explained. "He's become the antithesis of what he once was. Does he need the money?

And Weller's opinion regarding Lydon's recent sookfest about music festivals not being like they were back in the old days, and weren't the Sex Pistols grand, etc?

"Perhaps he misses the adulation, the buzz. Nostalgia has become a whole industry in itself... and I don't like it. You can never recapture what has gone."

We await My Lydon's riposte.

(Via XRRF)

Proving once and for all that she cannot actually be a real human being, but instead some sort of sexy fembot whose body never ages or rusts, Helen Mirren has been snapped in a bikini during a holiday in Italy.

OH. MY. GOD.

Granted, Helen Mirren hasn't weathered the body storm that is child-bearing, but still - the woman is about to turn sixty three, people. SIXTY THREE!

There are more depressingly stunning shots of the Oscar winning dame over at the Daily Mail. I can't decide if they give me hope for the future, or just make me want to cry. Damn your older lady hotness, Helen. Damn it to bits.

Rap star, Logie winner, fashion icon, and queen of Australian tourism Ms Bindi Irwin has, on the eve of her 10th birthday, been interviewed by The Courier-Mail - and boy, is she excited about turning double digits!

Using the words "I'm very excited" at least 12 times in as many minutes, she said: "Our tradition is that birthdays are not just for yourself but for sharing.

"Every birthday is very exciting - you wake up in the morning so excited because everyone is coming. It's so exciting I can't wait. Double digits means double the fun which is so exciting."

Uh-huh. Exciting stuff!

I also quite enjoyed her views on her simple living brother Bob-Bob.

(Bindi) said she preferred to focus on the good things in the world and believed in the simple philosophy often demonstrated by her younger brother, Robert, 4, who liked to live in the moment.

"Robert has a great approach to life," she said.

"He lives one day at a time and doesn't worry about what will happen in the future. He just likes to play with his chickens and revels in the moment which is happening . . . which is a good way to be.

An uncomplicated four year old - I'll be damned! I've said it before, but I'll say it again - Robert "Bob Bob" Irwin is my great hope for the future of not only Australia Zoo, but Australia itself. Although the way Bindi's taken to describing him in this interview, I can't help but suspect we might lose him for a couple of years to the Nimbin massive as he explores the appeal of certain herbs and tries his hand at African drumming.

· The eldest denizens of the Dark Knight cast, Michael Caine and Morgan Freeman, made an obligatory promotional stop-off to hobnob with the ladies of The View this morning. And, of course, they used the opportunity to stump for a Heath Ledger Oscar nomination. We'll weigh in tomorrow morning with our own thoughts, as both Seth and STV saw the movie earlier this eve. [The View]
· Woody Allen's longtime producing partner, Charles Joffe, passed away at age 78. [NYT]
· Continuing the moribund nature of tonight's edition of Short Ends, we're sad to report that nearly 150 staffers at the Los Angeles Times, including publisher David Hiller and truth-challenged reporter Chuck Philips, found themselves on the receiving end of a pink slip. [LA Observed]
· Even though we don't know a single person who watches CSI, we're pretty sure that millions of people will be upset to learn that all-around bad-arse William Peterson is leaving the show mid-season. [Michael Ausiello]
· Your Uncle Grambo's dreamgirl extraordinaire, Miss Amanda Bynes, is dating ... Seth MacFarlane??? NOOOOOO! We are so glad this day is over, we're not sure we could take anymore bad news. [ONTD]

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Confession time: ever since she rescued Alfie: The Version Jude Law Wrecked from racking up Razzies with her sparkly hair and oddly transfixing "good naked" scenes, we've been a Sienna Miller fan. One of the few stars to design an actual wearable fashion line, a regular on nude beaches, not to mention her impressive performance in the neglected but excellent Interview, she's the kind of weird, devil-may-care actress we like. But our girl is in quite the pickle these days. With a loony ex-boyfriend sobbing over her in sappy love songs and telling her to "fuck off" in tabs, and a new set of her trademark topless pics featuring concrete evidence that she's screwing former heroin addict, richer-than-God oil heir, and married father of four Balthazar Getty, Sienna isn't exactly having the best month ever. However, it has been an NSFW one...

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We've given Gwyneth Paltrow some flack lately for her sudden determination to vamp up her prim and proper image using everything from dominatrix footwear to bizarre backless jumpsuits but, with the need to promote Iron Man no longer an issue, the mother of Hollywood's most promising cross-dressing duo is back to basics. And as it turns out, all those goopy mascara-drenched lashes and see-through mini-dresses pale in comparison to the makeup-free, covered up version of Gwyneth 1.0. In these photos, taken over the weekend at a party in the Hamptons, see why the Madonna make-out partner should give up the hooker heels for good and stick to (painful as it may be to admit) her lucky genetic makeup-free makeup:

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Kudos today to James Hibberd, the Hollywood Reporter TV blogger who is perhaps the only reason we have any clue (or rather, care to have any clue) about the horrors unfolding presently at the Television Critics Association summer press tour. Apparently the Florence Henderson/Ed Asner days are over, with the one-two punch of confirmed buddies Karl Rove and Seth MacFarlane taking over Monday as the off-colour star tandem to beat.

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A day after the world learned that Jimmy Kimmel would teabag Sarah Silverman no more, are we glimpsing the face of the other woman? A tipster to Gawker writes: "Her name is Molly McNearney...and she's been promoted all the way (with one stop in between) from assistant to head writer for Jimmy Kimmel Live!" The last time someone ascended from the trenches so quickly, it was Merv Griffin's topiary-manicurist, Ryan Seacrest. Which doesn't necessarily mean they are doing it—just that someone saw a great deal of potential in someone else, and made all the necessary arrangements. [Gawker]

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Patrick Goldstein is getting kind of good at this blogging thing! After a busy week tipping the world off to the wit and wisdom of censor nonpareil Joan Graves and catching Alan Horn sharpening his ax for Where the Wild Things Are, he spent Monday afternoon taking on the Eddie Murphy Problem. "Murphy has pulled off an almost unprecedented achievement with Meet Dave," Goldstein notes. "He's delivered a movie that even 20th Century Fox couldn't market."

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As many loyal Defamer readers must know by now, our favourite blind items tend to include three elements: closeted actors, drug-addicted actresses, and those rare but joyous items that include the quote "Do you want to fuck my wife?" And kudos to the NY Daily News for providing us with the gruesomely enjoyable trifecta all in one sordid little piece today:

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· Ooh: A movie version of a popular video game! Warner Bros. is adapting Capcom's Lost Planet: Extreme Condition. No word on whether or not they'll hire Korean actor Lee Byung-Hun to reprise his role, or if they'll ultimately choose to go in a more Paul Walker-direction. [Variety]
· Christina Ricci has signed on for three episodes of TNT's Saving Grace, in which she'll play "a young detective who temporarily guest-partners with Grace in the hopes of some Emmy consideration." [Variety]
· John Malkovich's production company Mr. Mudd signed a deal with Mandate Pictures to produce at least two films together. [Variety]
· Kristoffer Polaha, Autumn Reeser and Robert Baker have joined The CW's Valentine, Inc., a "dramedy...revolving around Greek gods living among us." Did they just say dramedy? This Wackness '94 nostalgia thing has simply gone too far! Lolz. [THR]
· The final episodes of Nip/Tuck have been ordered. Confirmation on how many different sexual positions Rosie O'Donnell will assume in them is still pending. [THR]

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The good times keep a-rollin' in Louisiana for the Stray Cat Gang — including Josh Brolin, Jeffrey Wright and a smattering of crew members arrested at Saturday's W wrap party in Shreveport. New reports allege Wright fielded at least one ethnic slur from an onlooker after being escorted out of the Stray Cat with unruly lighting technician Eric Felland. Brolin and company went down a little later when coming to Wright's aid — i.e. "interfering with that arrest," according to Shreveport police Cpl. Robert Elliott. Furthermore, "a rep for Brolin ... didn't say what the rehabbed actor was drinking," according to Rush and Molloy. Next up for the group: An encore on Dec. 2, when all are due back in court. Meanwhile, chalk up another incentive for filmmaking in Louisiana — the only state where you can cast, scout and produce an entire movie faster than the legal system can prosecute its stars. [NYDN]

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At two weeks into your garden variety tabloid scandal, the regular spiel starts to get a little old—yes, yes, we know, that brainwashed third-baseman has been giving the aging pop diva the hot beef injection—and so new angles are required. For example, we have Page Six's item today which claims Madonna has been "loving" the attention, and plans on hitting today's All-Star game at Yankee Stadium. "'She doesn't care about the press it will get - she loves it,' said a spy. 'It just gets her more publicity for her upcoming Sticky and Sweet tour.'" How this spy managed to crack the complex Madonna Motivation code we'll never know—but crack it they did!

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We should have seen this coming after our first confession of love at first sight, but there is no doubt plenty of magic to be found in the growing number of reaction videos to the Beverly Hills Chihuahua trailer. Brooks Barnes had a glimpse at the burgeoning subgenre in yesterday's New York Times, but he nevertheless missed the boat on the international phase of Disney's Mexi-canine plot: Germany. Spoiler alert: You haven't really reacted to the BHC trailer until you've heard George Lopez's Teutonic counterpart introduce himself, "Ich bin ein Chihuahua." Is it still vaguely racist in German? Is it even worse? And either way, after all of its accompanying marketing horrors, why can we still not wait to see it? [YouTube]

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Jennifer Lopez, new member of that oh-so-trendy and elite twinset pregnancy club, is continuing her fashionable legacy by deciding never to dress her mini-Marc Anthonys in the same designer outfit twice. As much as this news doesn't surprise us, considering the international (national? not so much!) superstar's notoriously highbrow taste in ridiculously pricey bling, we're fairly sure where J. Lo got the idea. Even though the past few years have seen post-pregnancy slim faster Lopez awarded the #1 spot on many a prominent Best Dressed List in the glossies, her pre-glamour girl days were adorned with some of the most horrific ensembles ever to break camera lenses with their floppy fedoras, belly-baring latex bikini tops and, of course, her infamous frontless, transparent green monster worn at the 2000 Grammys. The top five outfits we're grateful Lopez never dared wear twice, after the jump:

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A little over a year ago, we noted that celebrated director/visual-flourishist Julie Taymor would be tackling perhaps her most challenging source material yet. This project would afford no opportunities for portentous lion births, or soldiers lugging Lady Liberty across a model Vietnam in an extremely literal interpretation of a Beatles lyric. Rather, Taymor set about adapting Spider-Man into a Broadway musical. Helping to sell audiences on a hovercraft-enabled lead villain whose big showstopper, "Everything's Coming Up Pumpkin Bombs," closes the first act is none other than U2's Bono and The Edge, who came on board as composers. Now all that's left to round out this spider-shit insane idea is you, triple-threat Tobey and Kirsten types!

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For every blockbuster this summer with Paramount's name attached — from Iron Man to Indy 4 to Kung Fu Panda — there's been a looming crisis to greet it at the studio gate. The latest wake-up call comes from Deutsche Bank, from whom we're learning the 'Mount split recently after the the studio balked at the conditions of a $450 million financing deal. This follows word that unhappy Wall Streeters wanted free-spender Brad Grey's head and that DreamWorks' Indian-funded defection was imminent. Mix The Love Guru in just for fun, and it's enough to almost make you forget Paramount is supposedly on a roll.

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Disgruntled as its recent self-esteem plunge has made us, no one could realistically suggest that the Weinstein Company is what you'd call "circling the drain." Maybe "studying the drain," or even "pawning the drain," if today's latest Harvey newsflash is to be believed: The Weinsteins have locked up a deal with Showtime as the premium-cable outlet for 95 films over seven years. Starting in 2009, the agreement covers both Weinstein Company and Dimension Films releases, including the so-hot-no-one-will-claim-it Inglorious Bastards and Rob Marshall's musical Nine.

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As we well know, former NBC president Kevin Reilly was thrust aside in a bloody coup in May of 2007, with original programming gangsta Ben Silverman installed in his place, crown cocked B-boy style to one side of his head and tossing Benjamins at assistants' desks as he strutted towards his corner office to the beat of Notorious B.I.G.'s "Ten Crack Commandments." Reilly would quickly land back on his feet, however, appointed FOX's president of entertainment. Buoyed by a little something he likes to call "American Fuck Idol You Money," he's been playing around with the dusty concepts of a rigid development season, telling reporters at TCA that the network plans on dividing theirs in two. What's more, with finding the next hit comedy a top priority, Reilly is throwing all office-bound pitching notions out the window, instead pulling the equivalent of when your 3rd grade teacher used to announce, "It's such a beautiful day outside, I thought we'd hold class in the park!" THR reports:

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