Monday, July 7, 2008

BB08: From The ‘Answering Your Own Question’ Files…

3:04PM Jess McGuire | Poor booted Bianca :( (Bianca) Benigno from Queensland, who was evicted from the Network Ten series last night, says she’s still upset that contestants were tricked into thinking there was a “mole” in the house, and told they must find out who it was. “I cannot see the benefit for us for doing that task, it completely mentally tortured us for three days,” Benigno said today. Maybe I was wrong, Big Brother. Maybe it was better to totally mess with their heads and turn them against each other for no reason? MY APOLOGIES. Still think you need to ditched Kyle & Jackie O and bring in Charlotte Dawson, though. Jackie’s on stage asides – like last night’s conversational “Oooh, I don’t know what’s going on between Brigitte and her boyfriend, something’s not quite right there…” – doesn’t come off as particularly insightful for some reason, just strangely unprofessional. I can say this without fear of hurting Jackie O’s feelings as the Sunday Life profile on her the other week revealed Jackie can laugh at criticism now. Good for you, babes. More »

A Photo Call Jodhi Meares Probably Lived To Regret

2:32PM Clem Bastow | Throughout the whole “OMG Jodhi Meares!” fiasco following her Australia’s Next Top Model finale no-show, news.com.au have been doing what they do best – peppering articles about her with “Read More” and tenuously relevant “Gallery” links. The latter led to this particular gallery, Jodhi Meares: the Packer years. So far, so pointless – until you get to photo #8: You’re right, eagle-eyed model experts, that is Erica Baxter modelling the-then-Mrs Packer’s wares. The caption reads: Designer Jodie Packer (right) with a model as she prepares for her Australian Fashion Week parade for her new swimwear label Tigerlily, 2000. A perhaps more appropriate caption, in light of events between 2000 and 2008, might have been “Designer Jodhi Meares with her future-ex-husband’s future wife.” How did they not pick up on that!? (Although the misspelling of her name looks like it may contain some clues as to the “on it”-ness of the photo and sub-editors, she was in fact “Jodie” until 2002.) In any case, I believe this is checkmate, Jodhi Meares. Actually, checkmate everyone. More »

‘Doctor Who’ Fans Angered To Find Fake Mobile Number Is NOT The Doctor’s Personal Line

2:30PM Clem Bastow | God, sometimes I love nerds so much I just want to eat them up – and this is one of those instances. The current season of Doctor Who had its finale this past weekend, which was cause enough for excitement and debate amongst the Who fans as it was – 10 million viewers tuned in – but approximately 2500 of them found something else to get het up about. In short: they were angry that a mobile number that appeared on screen numerous times during the cliffhanger was not a direct line to the TARDIS. More than 2,500 fans – whipped into a frenzy of anticipation after a cliffhanger ending in which it appeared that star David Tennant might be leaving as the Doctor began regenerating – dialled it before the last episode aired on Saturday. One fan complained: ‘They showed that number so many times, as if they were asking for it to be called.’ But their attempts to contact their hero on his personal number – 07700 900461 – came to nothing when they discovered that it would not connect-Writing on the BBC’s website, one disgruntled viewer said: ‘Grrr – I phoned the Doctor’s phone number but there was just an annoying network message. ‘What’s the point in showing a phone number if you’re not gonna use it?!’ Ofcom, the TV industry watchdog, said the number was simply one reserved for use in television dramas. A spokesman added: ‘It wouldn’t have cost anything to call these numbers because they are not real. Oh god, it’s almost too much! “Grr – I phoned the Doctor’s number”! It’s like the bit in Galaxy Quest where the nerds find out that the show’s universe was real after all – except here, it isn’t real. Damn you, BBC!! More »

Kym Valentine’s Pneumonia Flight Of Doom

2:15PM Clem Bastow | Even though in the past few years I’ve made the permanent switch, more or less, to Home & Away, the dull suburban living rooms of Neighbours and Ramsay Street’s inhabitants will always have a special place in my heart – as such, I always like to keep tabs on what’s up in the land of Lassiter’s. So you can imagine my dismay at hearing about Libby Kennedy aka Kym Valentine’s mid-air health crisis, en route to home from her New York holiday! After boarding the aircraft, Valentine told staff she was unwell but her condition rapidly deteriorated during the long-haul flight, to the point where cabin crew were forced to administer oxygen. Sources told Confidential that staff became hugely concerned for Valentine’s wellbeing as she began drifting in and out of consciousness. The actress was rushed to hospital after the flight landed in Melbourne on Saturday morning, and was immediately diagnosed with pneumonia. It is understood actor Vince Colosimo was yesterday by Valentine’s bedside in hospital, where she is expected to stay for several days recovering from her ordeal. “It was a chest infection that was exacerbated by being on the plane and she became sick quite quickly,” Valentine’s manager Jacinta Waters said. “She is following doctors’ orders and is in the best possible place.” Defamer Australia sends its most full-strength Butter Menthol wishes to Kym and sings the “get well, get well soon” song from Seinfeld. But what’s that, you didn’t realise she was going out with Vince? Indeed, the pair are a couple – which has apparently caused on-set “tension” with Colosimo’s ex-wife, Jane Hall (who plays… someone on Neighbours whose character’s name I can’t remember. Rebecca? Something? It’s all about Summer Bay, I told you). But mostly we know they are a couple because of this amazing bit of Photoshop work whipped up by the Tele and news.com.au earlier in the year: Totally convincing, isn’t it? It’s like they really are standing/sitting next to each other in the very same tear in the space/time fabric! More »

My Friday Night Behaviour (Not Necessarily Listed In Order Of Occurrence)

12:00PM Jess McGuire | Well, not really. I think I only managed to cross off around 30 of the following things from the New South Wales Office of Liquor and Gaming’s list of signs of drunkenness over the weekend. 1. Slurring words 2. Rambling or unintelligible conversation 3. Incoherent or muddled speech 4. Loss of train of thought 5. Not understanding normal conversation 6. Difficulty in paying attention 7. Unsteady on feet 8. Swaying uncontrollably 9. Staggering 10. Difficulting walking straight 11. Cannot stand or falling down 12. Stumbling 13. Bumping into or knocking over furniture and people 14. Lack of co-ordination 15. Spilling drinks 16. Dropping drinks 17. Fumbling change 18. Difficulty counting money or paying 19. Difficulty opening doors 20. Inability to find one’s mouth with a glass 21. Rudeness 22. Aggression 23. Belligerent 24. Argumentative 25. Offensive 26. Bad tempered 27. Physically violent 28. Loud or boisterous 29. Confused 30. Disorderly 31. Exuberance 32. Using offensive language 33. Annoying or pestering others 34. Overly friendly 35. Loss of inhibition 36. Inappropriate sexual advances 37. Drowsiness or sleeping at a bar or table 38. Vomiting 39. Drinking rapidly At times it appears to be in chronological order (overly friendly, loss of inhibition, inappropriate sexual advances), but then you see ‘vomiting’ followed by ‘drinking rapidly’ and you’ve gotta hope and pray points 38 and 39 don’t involve the same receptacle.au, More »

Nice Cans, Roberta – But What Can You Tell Me About Safety?

11:16AM Jess McGuire | If you’ve been hankering to see Roberta Williams unleash her jugs on the public, then you’re in luck as the former wife of infamous imprisoned gangster and inexplicably popular Facebook identity Carl Williams has just opened her blouse for the lucky readers of Zoo Weekly. Incidentally, I suspect most readers of Zoo wouldn’t know what to do with a real live girl if they managed to put away the tissues and lubricant long enough to actually get their hands on one, but what do I know? Perhaps they are dedicated, passionate love makers who aim only to please their ladyfriends in the bedroom and I shouldn’t condescendingly assume that a liking of Zoo Weekly automatically means they are somewhat sexually retarded? I shall ponder this dilemma in my “quiet time”… Back to the article! Shocking few other than her crime baron ex-husband Carl Williams, Roberta has un-zipped her tracksuit in the latest bid to cash in on her underworld infamy. Not surprisingly, the Zoo Weekly shoot and the accompanying A Current Affair behind-the-scenes segment, to air tonight, was brokered by 2Day FM shock jock Kyle Sandilands before Roberta split with his management company King Kyle last month. … While the convicted drug dealer and mother-of-four thinks she looks “fantastic” in the shots, her ex-hubby apparently had his concerns. “He was shocked at first cos I’m a nerdy person. He didn’t think I’d do it,” she told the magazine. You sure showed him, babe. Thanks Roberta – and Kyle Sandilands! As you can see, the snaps of Roberta Williams are very sexy, almost dangerously so… something which may not actually be true (depending on your tastes) but does segue quite nicely into this story – Roberta’s also earning a buck or two dealing with safety! Williams, her partner and three children will be flown to the Gold Coast for four days ahead of her appearance at a breakfast for the Foundation of Public Safety Professionals. The organisation is made up of SES, ambulance and fire brigade officers from around Australia, except Victoria. Foundation spokesman Kyle Watson said Williams had media experience and first-hand dealings with emergency services. Wait, do they mean the police? Nice! More »

BB08: Buh-Bye, Bianca

10:57AM Jess McGuire | Fiery know-it-all Bianca has been kicked out of the Big Brother house after last night’s eviction. Once the obligatory post-Big Brother nightclub appearances are over with, she can no doubt go back to prancing around in tight tops and holding large books in an effort to look more intelligent than anyone else in the world. From what I can tell (despite her constant attempts to gain attention through sulky temper tantrums) this excerpt from the Big Brother site’s article on her eviction is the most interesting thing about Bianca. Bianca also made Australian BB history by being the first Housemate to be given a watch as part of the secret Moon Monks task. As Head Monk, she had to recruit and train new members of the Secret Order without the other HMs detecting her confidential extracurricular activities. After a few close shaves, they passed the task successfully. SHE GOT TO WEAR A WATCH? FOREVER IN OUR HEARTS, BIANCA! I don’t loathe her that much. She just made me get all narky whenever I was eating dinner and she appeared on the telly with that surly expression (you know, where she’d pout moodily and her mouth resembled a slug dropped in a bowl of salt*). She is probably a really lovely person in real life, blah blah blah, but anyone who makes me root for Corey makes me feel a bit weird, and it’s best they leave my television screen. *Description courtesy of Brendan Shanahan’s column in the Daily Telegraph years ago regarding Vanessa Amorosi’s facial expression after she failed to win a single ARIA – despite, like, eight thousand nominations – at the awards ceremony back in 2000. I’ve never forgotten it (although I may not have quoted it correctly – there’s no online reference to it anywhere, alas). God bless you, Brendan. More »

We Are Only Months Away From Being Able To Purchase A Frightening Talking Bindi Irwin Doll Of Our Very Own

10:01AM Jess McGuire | Oh, this is wonderful. We were promised a doll version of Defamer Australia’s favourite rap star Bindi Irwin, and the toy gods have delivered… Well, the doll won’t be available until September (and that’s in the US), but at last we can see a photo of the.gift I’m praying will be waiting for me under the Christmas tree during the last week of December. Lacking in the crimp factor, hair-wise, but all in all a pretty good likeness. In the talking version of the doll, Bindi uses phrases such as, “Crikey! Let’s go help wildlife”, and, “You can make the world a better place”, the Plain-Dealer newspaper reported in Cleveland, Ohio. That’s not enough to give me nightmares! What happened to Bindi’s favourite saying “LOVE IT DON’T HURT IT”? Did someone send the toy company a polite email pointing out that a shrieking Bindi Irwin replica quoting lines which sound like excerpts from a Law & Order: SVU script might be really fucked up? I’m gutted. I’m still gonna get a “Love It, Don’t Hurt It” tattoo though. And also, a tattoo of my safety word – in capitals, bold font, right on the tramp stamp section of my back. It should be noted that I recently watched two seasons worth of Law & Order: SVU on DVD over a period of 48 rapey perp-catchin’ hours. My head’s in a weird place right now. DUNH-DUNH! (rocks back and forth in vaguely psychotic manner) More »