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Madonna's Next Single Likely To Be 'D-I-V-O-R-C-E'
Posted by Mark Graham at 5:15 AM on June 28, 2008
Just a few days ago, we outlined our top three reasons as to why Madonna and her (current) husband Guy Ritchie will never be having "incredible sex" again. Well, it seems that we can now add a fourth reason to that list -- Madonna has reportedly enlisted the counsel of top notch British lawyer solicitor Fiona Shackleton. Before you dismiss "Steel Magnolia" (no really, that's her nickname) as being nothing more than the English version of Arnie Becker, it's worth noting that she is the tiny, dental-hygiene-challenged island's highest profile divorce litigator, having negotiated both Prince Charles' and Paul McCartney's divorce (the latter of whom left his case $50 million poorer). However, lest you think that Madge is driving this lorry all by her lonesome, it's worth noting that Guy Ritchie seems to be just as fed up with Madonna as she is with him. Quoth The Daily Mail:
Film-maker Ritchie is increasingly frustrated with his wife's habit of 'chummying up' to her much younger musical collaborators, who have included Justin Timberlake and dancer/producer Stuart Price.
The source added: 'Guy finds life as 'Mr Madonna' unbearable. He was embarrassed by Madonna's flirtatious relationships with Stuart and Justin.
'Now a new tour coming up, he knows Madonna is going to be surrounded by sycophants and hot young things who will only be too eager to stroke her fragile ego.
Guy, Guy, Guy! You didn't really go into this thinking that Madonna, the pride of Rochester Adams High School*, would suddenly transform into Mrs. Guy Ritchie just because you married her? Sure, we can see how endless bollock busting from the lager louts and football hooligans of the world could get you down, but to go into this relationship thinking that Madonna would "change" just because she hit menopause is like saying that Angelina Jolie is gonna quit smack just because she got appointed as a UN Goodwill Ambassador. While we most certainly do not wish d-i-v-o-r-c-e on anyone, regardless of their level of fame, we think that you probably should've faced up to your machismo issues before you walked down the aisle with the world's most famous sexual icon. Look on the bright side, chum -- if Heather Mills was able to milk $50 million out of Macca, surely you've got at least $25 mill and a lifetime of alimony payments coming your way.
*Full Disclosure - Your Uncle Grambo also attended Rochester Adams High School, albeit a good number of years later.
Comments (AU Comments · US Comments)
There are currently no AU comments for this post.
Nomi Malone
Posted 6:19 AM 28/6/08
@Little Mintz Sunshine: good question. also, wonder who gets custody of his penis?
Nomi Malone
kookla
Posted 6:17 AM 28/6/08
@Old No.7: ****Tiger Woods fist pump****
kookla
WGARefugee
Posted 6:10 AM 28/6/08
I think round one goes to the material girl for hiring a lawyer who looks like something carved on the prow of a Viking warship.
WGARefugee
Old No.7
Posted 6:03 AM 28/6/08
@kookla: ***** golf clap *****
Old No.7
Losin_it
Posted 5:50 AM 28/6/08
Good move, Guy, in not giving a pre-nup to someone known as "The Material Girl".
Losin_it
Scoregasm
Posted 5:48 AM 28/6/08
@Leviticus_71: I don't think pre-nups have a lot of weight in English courts.
@Little Mintz Sunshine: Hey, if the accent goes, what will we have to mock? I guess there's always the fact that she's yoga-ed herself into sinewy nightmare fuel.
Scoregasm
Pay_Me_Or_Pay_Me_No_Attention
Posted 5:44 AM 28/6/08
Oh man, I hope he just robs everything out of her.
But alas, he's doomed. She'll probably sleep with the court magistrate to get her way. It's what she always does to get her self out of a jam, Fuck her way out.
Pay_Me_Or_Pay_Me_No_Attention
Little Mintz Sunshine
Posted 5:39 AM 28/6/08
Who gets custody of Madge's Europish accent?
Little Mintz Sunshine
kookla
Posted 5:36 AM 28/6/08
If Fiona is Madge's lawyer, then much like the settlement Heather Mills whined about, Guy will barely have a leg to stand on.
kookla
Leviticus_71
Posted 5:35 AM 28/6/08
And from what I understand...no pre-nup...go go guy guy!
Leviticus_71
mothrafairy
Posted 6:40 AM 28/6/08
Hey, isn't this another of her many mystical, chameleon-like career moves of astonishing high artistry?
If it's strictly a divorce, I weep that such sadness shall befall one so furiously gifted.
mothrafairy
Losin_it
Posted 7:03 AM 28/6/08
@CourageousCoward: ha ha. MORE than willing...!
Losin_it
CourageousCoward
Posted 6:59 AM 28/6/08
I hear he's willing to give up his Kabbalah bracelet in the divorce.
CourageousCoward
CourageousCoward
Posted 7:50 AM 28/6/08
@WGARefugee: It's a little-known fact that Fiona Shackleton worked her way through law school as a "prow model," hence the resemblance.
Also, the theme to her prom was "fire" and her date was Jesus. Thank you very much folks. Good night and drive safe.
CourageousCoward
NoGrumpys
Posted 8:31 AM 28/6/08
His prospects of getting his balls reattached don't look promising.
HI GUY!!
"Guy Richie may I introduce you Boy George
Guy - Boy - Boy - Guy"
NoGrumpys
Desk_hack
Posted 8:28 AM 28/6/08
@Trixie from Toronto: I think that embarrassed look started around their wedding date.
Desk_hack
Trixie from Toronto
Posted 7:59 AM 28/6/08
The day I saw photos of that man -- the man behind "Snatch" and "Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels," for God's sake!!! -- walking around all in white with a red Kaballah bracelet on his wrist, looking embarrassed and pained from recently having his balls removed, is the day I knew that one day he had to get the fuck away from Madge.
She has emasculated him to a humiliating degree.
Trixie from Toronto
Xylo
Posted 8:52 AM 28/6/08
Boy, I'll bet Malawi adoption officials never saw this coming, eh?
@Trixie from Toronto: She did wear that cutesy "Mrs. Ritchie" t-shirt to the "Snatch" premiere, but I think she's had his balls on a shelf in her office since the day he agreed to remake "Swept Away" with her.
Xylo
NoGrumpys
Posted 9:17 AM 28/6/08
SNATCH - hee hee
NoGrumpys
BScrivner
Posted 10:16 AM 28/6/08
So, will she move back home to Detroit and grow a 'fro to make lil' David more at ease with his Mama? Stay tuned.
BScrivner
EuroDad
Posted 11:18 AM 28/6/08
is it just me or does Lawyer Fiona look like a composite of Madonna's face now and her hair in the 80's?
EuroDad
gwendolyn
Posted 1:09 PM 28/6/08
I hate to say it but if Madonna had become a teller at a Chemical Bank branch off Amsterdam Avenue in 1981, we, in the 90's, would have heard the following phrase a lot:
"In other news, Secretary of the Treasury Louise Ciccone announced..."
gwendolyn
Losin_it
Posted 12:28 PM 28/6/08
@EuroDad: Good call. If Madonna became a bank teller instead of a singer, Fiona is what she would look like today.
Losin_it
Tiger_Tanaka
Posted 4:07 PM 28/6/08
Hmm...casting the TV movie in my head...Portia De Rossi, Stephen Dorrf, and Joan Cusack.
Tiger_Tanaka