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Jonas Brothers Poised To Annoy, Baffle Adults
Posted by Defamer Hollywood at 5:10 AM on June 18, 2008
Since the Disney Teen Idol Factory's Miley Cyrus model has developed a "slutty photos" malfunction, the company is ramping up the marketing on its male prototypes, The Jonas Brothers. Like Cyrus, the band has sold millions of albums but you probably can't name a single one of their songs unless you spend a lot of time around 12 year-old girls. According to The New York Times, the trio features none of Cyrus's dangerous hints of a sex drive.
On this particular May evening, the band members wore "purity" rings, reflecting their stated intentions to save themselves sexually for marriage.
Parents, prepare to buy your daughter a silver ring to match her blonde Hannah Montana wig. Because there will be no escaping the brothers.
The brothers -- Kevin, 20, Joseph, 18, and Nick, 15 -- are to be fully unleashed on the American public starting Tuesday night, when a preview of their new movie, "Camp Rock," will be made available on Disney Channel on Demand, a limited-availability service offered to some Time Warner Cable, Cablevision and Verizon customers. On Friday the movie will begin its run on the Disney Channel, with an audio simulcast on Radio Disney, followed by broadcasts on ABC on Saturday and the ABC Family channel on Sunday.
While Camp Rock sounds like a perfectly innocent Critical Studies thesis on the life of Freddy Mercury, the Times warns that it is just the beginning of the Jonas Brothers onslaught. With a new video, 46-date North American tour and 3-D theatrical film release on the horizon, we advise you to make the most of your remaining hours of freedom. Go to the beach. Spend time with your significant other. Because once Camp Rock debuts, there's no escaping our new, adorable overlords.
[Photo Credit: Wire Image]
Comments (AU Comments · US Comments)
There are currently no AU comments for this post.
el smrtmnky
Posted 7:06 AM 18/6/08
@mothrafairy: seriously: brills.
@CrankYank: that would be no. those posters help promote self-abuse.
i understand there's a fourth Jonas brother referred to as the 'Bonus Jonas.' Which, if you repeat that really, fast sounds dirty.
el smrtmnky
CrankYank
Posted 6:49 AM 18/6/08
Why the hell can't we have subtelty in childrearing? "Pre-marital sex is fine, just not at 12". Geez people!
Do purity rings have a self-abuse exemption?
CrankYank
TurdBlossom
Posted 6:42 AM 18/6/08
@mothrafairy: Brillant!
TurdBlossom
ajn007
Posted 6:33 AM 18/6/08
The "double standard" will guarantee that when they start screwing, no one will bat an eye.
ajn007
Old No.7
Posted 6:31 AM 18/6/08
@Glass_Family: Loverboy dressed in redleather jumpsuits and headbands. I look at that picture and see "The Knack".
"M-M-M-Myyyy Sha-ro-naaaa".
Old No.7
mothrafairy
Posted 6:28 AM 18/6/08
One Purity Ring to rule them all.
And two more to remind them.
Till marriage they'll be virgins all
(not counting "moves" behind them).
mothrafairy
kookla
Posted 6:17 AM 18/6/08
What they forgot to mention was that the purity rings were worn on their c*cks.
kookla
TurdBlossom
Posted 6:15 AM 18/6/08
I see Non-Threatening Boys Magazine has new cover models.
Zac Effron is going to be very very jealous.
TurdBlossom
NoWireHangers
Posted 6:04 AM 18/6/08
Purity Rings?
Hahahahahahahahahaha. Only if they're Mormon.
NoWireHangers
trojanjustin
Posted 5:59 AM 18/6/08
I met them last year when I was waiting for lunch with a friend over in the Radio Disney building. The oldest one might actually be the gayest thing I've ever seen. In fact, I just wanted to ask if he was still nursing a hangover from The Abbey the night before, but then I realized he's like 19.
trojanjustin
RocketRockit
Posted 5:54 AM 18/6/08
My mother asked me "what are the Jonas Brothers?" She asked me the same thing about Zac Efron last year.
I didn't have a good answer for her.
RocketRockit
Glass_Family
Posted 5:54 AM 18/6/08
When did Loverboy reform?
Glass_Family
icallthebigonebitey
Posted 5:52 AM 18/6/08
I don't normally go in for chicken, but that oldest Jonas boy has real cub-bear potential and also is a dead-ringer for a yummy, surf-happy, post-Hawaii Greg Brady. Remember when they all went to Hawaii and then when they came back all the Brady men had curly hair for the rest of the series, and they said it was because the humidity in Hawaii made their hair curly but really it was just that no one wanted to admit they got perms?
Sorry for the digression. I really just wanted to say that his face and sideburns are cute. However, I do not want to listen to their music for fear of possibly being secretly proselytized at.
icallthebigonebitey
saltwater
Posted 5:46 AM 18/6/08
I like when a person born in the 90's finds the need to dress '80s. Because it's modern.
saltwater
Fama Est
Posted 5:43 AM 18/6/08
15, 18, and 20? Mercy. Aren't they -- on average -- a little long in the tooth for Disney? And we're supposed to believe they're virgins? They must mean Puerto Rican-style virginity.
Fama Est
Old No.7
Posted 5:43 AM 18/6/08
"Hansen" called... and wants their schtick back.
Old No.7
CourageousCoward
Posted 5:41 AM 18/6/08
"the band members wore "purity" rings, reflecting their stated intentions to save themselves sexually for marriage." - According to the brothers Jonas, anal sex doesn't count. They say Jessica Simpson swore it's true and with her daddy being a minister and all...
CourageousCoward
JudgeFudge
Posted 5:36 AM 18/6/08
I swear Disney must be gettting a kickback on these purity rings. If they're not, they must be promoting them for the sick purpose of encouraging a state of postponed adolescence in older teens and people in their twenties that makes them more receptable for this teeny bopper stuff.
JudgeFudge
ColbertNation
Posted 5:35 AM 18/6/08
@cockfightbarmitzvah: Niccce.
ColbertNation
Rey
Posted 5:34 AM 18/6/08
@cockfightbarmitzvah: Zing? That "joke" is more like, *PLOP*.
Rey
cockfightbarmitzvah
Posted 5:30 AM 18/6/08
"the band members wore "purity" rings, reflecting their stated intentions to save themselves sexually for marriage." Yeah, their gay marriages. Zing!!!
cockfightbarmitzvah
ColbertNation
Posted 5:23 AM 18/6/08
Wow. Those guys make My Chemical Romance look like Led Zeppelin. You can almost taste the douchebaggery.
ColbertNation
2xBlue
Posted 7:53 AM 18/6/08
I believe "Camp Rock" was written by Mtv's "Just Say Julie" Brown, so expect some not-so-innocent in-jokes at least!
2xBlue
mothrafairy
Posted 7:38 AM 18/6/08
@el smrtmnky:
I have a feeling Disney is about to pop a huge Bonus Jonas. Oh yeah.
mothrafairy
Dr. Spaceman, Esq.
Posted 7:36 AM 18/6/08
So, they're in a rock* band,
But it's a felony if they touch their groupies.
That's not a purity ring, it's the foundations of a legal defense strategy.
* You know, argumentum.
Dr. Spaceman, Esq.
Transuranic
Posted 4:17 AM 19/6/08
That's it; I'm photoshopping their heads onto torsos of porn actors. ...In jest. You know, because of the camp rock value.
Transuranic
ObtuseIntolerant
Posted 9:53 AM 19/6/08
@ObtuseIntolerant: Hmmm...That will make sense when you subtract part of my double negative.
*off to read a book*
ObtuseIntolerant
ObtuseIntolerant
Posted 9:52 AM 19/6/08
Hahaha - I love how the whole "you should be tolerant of other's beliefs" things only applies when you're not talking about people who aren't Christian and conservative...am I right?!?!
It would be OK if any of you people were being clever about it...but, sadly, no. Maybe read more books.
(for the record, I am neither Christian, nor conservative.)
ObtuseIntolerant
LLH
Posted 1:49 PM 19/6/08
i saw an interview with them a few months back, and one of them said that "they don't date girls but for fun they go to broadway shows". i shit you not.
LLH