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How To Get The Olsen Twins Into Bed
Posted by Molly Friedman at 10:55 AM on June 19, 2008
After attending a New York movie screening with rumoured new boyfriend Justin Bartha last night, it appears that Ashley Olsen is about to finally make her new relationship public. And after years of tracking the Olsen Twins, we have to admit that we are more than a bit mystified by how these two ended up as a couple. The deliciously handsome actor, sort of memorable from National Treasure (for those of you bold enough to admit you've seen it), is about to become far more memorable after appearing opposite Catherine Zeta-Jones in next year's The Rebound. But more on our new crush this guy later. The question we can't quite answer yet has to do with both Olsens and their laundry list of former flings. Never failing to shock, both Mary Kate and Ashley have one of the most eccentric, baffling and WTF dating history between them. We examine each of their previous love interests in an attempt to figure out what exactly they find attractive, why they pick who they pick, and upon discovering quite the few lookers in the bunch, why these guys pick them, after the jump.
Before Bartha, Ashley was most recently linked to one ball wonder Lance Armstrong; prior to the bit part actor/bicyclist, the working twin had dalliances with Jared Leto before Lindsay Lohan stole him away. Most curiously, perhaps, was her brief sting dating the Prince of Annoyingness Wilmer Valderrama. The only pattern we see for our Ashley is the common presence of blue eyes (minus Wilmer), a solid but not intimidating bad boy rap sheet (minus Bartha, far as we know), and a general goal of dating the most random Hollywood outcasts in town. Were we not so envious of her newest paramour, we'd quite possibly applaud her diverse taste, even with Wilmer in the pack. Jared will always be Jordan Catalano in our eyes, no matter how much makeup he piles on.
MK has a wildly different (and yet unnervingly similar!) pattern of her own. Currently dating euro billionaire Lapo Elkann, the prunier Olsen counts artist/Uma Thurman cousin Max Snow and every Hollywood bimbo's favourite throwaway make-out partner Stavros Niarchos among her ex-boyfriends. It seems MK's requirements include long, mangy hair, an incredibly ambiguous "career" despite being labelled heirs, and guys who are afraid of showers. In the end, we get the sense that the more pragmatic and naive Ashley tends to chase after those who shoot excellent game and resemble knights in latex/guylighter/hair gelled armour, while MK has a far more pointed system: the dirtier, sleazier, greasier, and potentially damaging boys feed (hey, something has to feed her) her masochistic mania. Analysis complete.
[Photo credits: Wireimage]
- THEY CAN'T HIDE FROM US [NYP]
Comments (AU Comments · US Comments)
There are currently no AU comments for this post.
encinoman
Posted 11:31 AM 19/6/08
Nothing personal, but this pair of naifs isn't sexy enough to star in a Doublemint commercial.
encinoman
jasonelias
Posted 1:45 PM 19/6/08
I'm still amazed that those cute little girls as seen on TV Land, became such odd creatures. And by odd creatures I mean, something truly weird and strange.
jasonelias
Sunbunny
Posted 1:39 PM 19/6/08
@encinoman: Remember when they were under 18 and super hot? And then they turned 18, and almost as a cruel joke, became skeletons with gigantic eyes and a hatred of showering?
Sunbunny
acroro
Posted 3:30 PM 19/6/08
Does no one remember this guy playing the mentally retarded hostage in Gigli?
acroro
jeremyc
Posted 4:42 PM 19/6/08
Does no one remember this guy playing the mentally retarded hostage in Gigli?
Wouldn't that force you to admit publicly that you've actually seen it?
jeremyc
bittergreen
Posted 11:14 PM 19/6/08
Point to MK for starting the Stavros Niarchos craze. Every other hollywood wannabe is just getting MK's sloppy seconds.
bittergreen
Bogart Shwadchuck
Posted 11:22 PM 19/6/08
I'll publicly admit I've seen it, AND that I own it, AND that I was about to post about it before acroro beat me to it.
If more people actually watched Gigli instead of just avoiding it on the face-value "it's bad" hype, they'd know how truly hilarious it was (both unintentionally, and occasionally intentionally). It's like Plan 9, or Battlefield Earth, you're missing out on all the fun if you never actually SEE it.
Ashley Olson getting together with this guy makes a lot more sense when you've seen him fumble out a faux-retarded Baby Got Back or refer to an orgasm as his penis sneezing.
I WANNA GO TO THE BAYWATCH.
Bogart Shwadchuck
Gingerbelle
Posted 11:22 PM 19/6/08
Lance Armstrong has a solid, but not intimidating, bad-boy rap sheet? Srsly?
Gingerbelle
spanktastic
Posted 12:07 AM 20/6/08
Could you make this into a diagram with names, maybe a whiteboard? Don't recognize some of the unshowered above, although a couple are potentially cute. Just too hard to follow, who's who and with which twin.
spanktastic
DorothyZbornak
Posted 1:39 AM 20/6/08
So, basically you're saying MK is the Winona Ryder (dating-wise) of the new millenium?
DorothyZbornak
Scoregasm
Posted 1:30 AM 20/6/08
I wonder if Ashley just likes to date dudes that have made the Hollywood dating rounds. Seriously, every one of those guys (except Bartha) have gotten down and dirty with quite a few other famous ladies. Maybe they have some secret characteristic that people like to laugh about together later: "Did you see that tattoo of a unicorn jumping over a four leaf clover on Leto's ass? WTF was up with that?"
Scoregasm
SomnambulantHobbit
Posted 1:26 AM 20/6/08
Is that Frankie from Make Me a Supermodel?
SomnambulantHobbit
clarknhilldale
Posted 1:20 AM 20/6/08
@Bogart Shwadchuck: Pacino is so awful in Gigli, Affleck and Lopez seem genuinely frightened (and appalled).
clarknhilldale
BAngieB
Posted 2:09 AM 20/6/08
@DorothyZbornak: Well, she better stay away from Samantha Ronson or a very pretty actress will kick her bony behind.
BAngieB
SaphocratSam
Posted 12:24 PM 19/6/08
great analysis, now I know to keep thier 15 year-old Full House asses away from my knight in latex/guylighter/hair gelled armor, dirty, sleazy, greasy, and potentially damaging girlfriend!!
SaphocratSam
OldTowneTavern
Posted 3:04 AM 20/6/08
I had convinced myself Mary Kate was gay. I've watched all of those Olsen twins in Europe made-for-tv movies (that's right, what of it?) and in each one, MK would get the queasiest look on her face whenever she had to kiss a boy. I actually went to the IMDB to match character names to the sisters to make sure I wasn't confusing them. It was always MK. I kept thinking "she's an executive producer, why can't she cast one boy she's willing to kiss?"
OldTowneTavern
spanktastic
Posted 6:16 AM 20/6/08
It was early when I posted, caffiene not kicked in, should have posted:
white-trash-board.....
spanktastic
NicoleItchy
Posted 8:07 AM 20/6/08
It's probably because they're the same height.
NicoleItchy