RSS Feeds
Dina Lohan, Mother Of The Century: 'I Will Rip You Up And Chew You Out'
Posted by Molly Friedman at 11:20 AM on June 3, 2008
In case you hadn't heard, mumager extraordinaire Dina Lohan's new reality show was sadly slammed in the ratings by Sheen Sperm-aversive blabbermouth Denise Richards in the ratings. But before weeping for the runner-up, don't forget: Dina still officially wears the crown of Mother of the Year! They gave her a trophy and everything! Yes, "they" are a group of cleavage-baring Long Island mums with fake tans and nails as long as their list of ex-husbands, but a title is a title. Which is why Defamer Video Vixen Molly McAleer has put together a rather inspiring series of moments from last night's second episode, in which we learn three very important lessons on parenting from, that's right, the Mother of the Year. Our favourite and most valuable parenting rules as taught to us by Dina herself:
In case you hadn't heard, mumager extraordinaire Dina Lohan's new reality show was
1) Just Because Your Daughter Has Asthma And Your House Is On Fire Doesn't Mean You Can't Party 'Til Dawn!: While Dina leaves her two non-Lindsay, barely teenaged kids Ali and Cody alone to attend what must have been a very important event, because, you know, she's...what is she again when she's not out with Lindsay? Oprah's seat-filler or something? Anyway, Dina demonstrates how important it is to just take care of your business even though your two kids are about to die from an outlet fire and one has asthma and can't breathe. And there's no need to worry about keeping your cell phone handy - I mean what could go wrong? Like, as if an outlet is gonna blow up and nearly kill your asthmatic daughter? Oh. Right.
2) Should Someone Lie To Your Child, 'Rip Them Up And Chew Them Out'!: Dina makes an excellent point when she tells her viewers that anyone who enters her house must tell the truth and nothing but the truth. This rule, of course, does not apply to her family or anything, just any visitors and stuff. And even though she doesn't admit to having any kind of seventh sense when it comes to lie-detecting, she might just rip you up and chew you out 'cuz she feels like it. She's Dina Lohan, in case you didn't know.
3) It's Like, Totally Scary For A Mum When Your Child Is Beautiful, Talented And Funny!: So Lindsay did actually get a mention last night, and it was quasi-sweet, though simultaneously so nauseating we wanted to go find Michael Lohan and rip his wig hair out as though he were Dina's voodoo doll (mental note: Make. That. Happen.) You see, Dina and Lindsay have both just been struggling with the fact that Ali is so goddamn pretty and talented and gorgeous and tall and they simply cannot stop her from being the biggest star the world has ever seen. Well, after Dina Lohan, that is.
- LIVING LOHAN [E!]
Comments (AU Comments · US Comments)
There are currently no AU comments for this post.
misterdirk
Posted 12:13 PM 3/6/08
If Heidi Fleiss had kids, her show would kick Dina's Conjunction Junction After School Special ASS. Mother, Hookerer, Drugger, Bunny Rancher, Tom Sizemorer, Laundromater. Oh, Lord, please, give Heidi children!
misterdirk
Victor Ward
Posted 11:40 AM 3/6/08
It's nice that someone is willing to give Britney's old, discarded wigs a loving home.
Victor Ward
Trixie from Toronto
Posted 12:34 PM 3/6/08
Someone needs to take this woman out, seriously. Aren't there mobsters in those parts? I could have sworn I saw a show about mobsters in those parts .....
Trixie from Toronto
yogini
Posted 1:09 PM 3/6/08
This is some horrible monster movie. Run kids, run!!!!! The evil frozen faced baby killer is after your residuals! RUN!
yogini
Benovite
Posted 12:57 PM 3/6/08
Mobsters don't usually date their victims.
Benovite
PaisleyPajamas
Posted 12:54 PM 3/6/08
"I teach my kids to be honest."
Yeah, 'cause you know, showbiz is the most honest business there is.
Gah.
How those women kept from flinging open the door and send her rolling off into the dark of night is hard to understand. There must have been several "takes" on that bit of reality.
PaisleyPajamas
shag_carpet_bomb
Posted 1:20 PM 3/6/08
Ha, I was thinking IF she was a character on the Soprano's, Tony (or Carmella) would have had her 'taken care of' and little Ali would be shaking it at the Bing. I've said it before (about Britney's kids and those little Sheen girls, and maybe Suri too...) Those kids are doomed.
shag_carpet_bomb
SanFranBetsu
Posted 1:39 PM 3/6/08
@Benovite: You didn't see "Prizzi's Honor" did you?
SanFranBetsu
nick_r
Posted 3:11 PM 3/6/08
Where are the calls from the L Word producers offering Ali a guest spot as a young Marlee Matlin?
nick_r
tbolt
Posted 9:13 PM 3/6/08
I'm seriously wondering how Lindsay turned out so good.
tbolt
mink
Posted 11:42 PM 3/6/08
LiLo must be happy...producers are going to start feeling sorry for her and maybe even give her another chance when they see what her c u next tuesday (c.Denise Richards in E's other seminal show) of a mom is like.
mink
CourageousCoward
Posted 12:43 AM 4/6/08
You don't fuck with the Lohan! (apologies to Adam Sandler)
CourageousCoward
majikthise
Posted 1:34 AM 4/6/08
Is Ali that pretty? I guess I didn't notice.
majikthise
dangercat
Posted 11:40 PM 3/6/08
Don't judge Dina -- my ma was the same way and I turned out just fine! Sure, I've had my run ins with the law (cocaine is a powerful drug) and I might cry out for attention once and while (there's nothin' like the attention your loved ones will shower you in from going to rehab six times in one year - even better is when you're all better from rehab and the party your besties through for you!). I'm opened minded when it comes to sex -- free love, y'all! And I'm super independent. I've lived on my own for years now (ma taught me to look after myself when she would vanish during the night or disappear for days at a time. Great learning lesson. I plan on using it with my children when I start poppin 'em out), have my own income, shop for everything on my own. Though there was that one time I forgot to purchase panties for an entire month...Cocaine really is a powerful drug! Without having a mother similar to Dina, I totally wouldn't be where I am today.
dangercat
Losin_it
Posted 2:38 AM 4/6/08
Rule #1 of any reality show - there has to be something likeable about the main character(s). Either they have to be really competent, really great looking, really charming, etc. Dina is not any of these things. She's shrill and totally unappealing. And Ali isn't much better...anything about her that's interesting comes from that fact that she seems to be a 35 year old trapped in the body of a teenager. More eerie than likeable.
I like when Dina tells everyone about the importance of honesty. But Dina WAS a Rockette! Dina wouldn't like, lie, or anything.
Losin_it
TurdBlossom
Posted 4:29 AM 4/6/08
I'm just waiting for Lindsay or Ali or one of the boys to pen "Mommy Dearest Too - The Momager" in a few years.
TurdBlossom
SeaPeople
Posted 10:15 AM 4/6/08
@Losin_it: I don't know dude. The brother seems like a good kid. And really, it's Grandma who carries the show.
SeaPeople