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Dina Lohan, Mother Of The Century: "I Was Called Spider Legs, Carpenter's Dream, Flat As A Board"
Posted by Molly Friedman at 8:50 AM on June 10, 2008
In our second edition of Living Lohan's most valuable lessons as taught by Professor Dina, we couldn't help being distracted by our studies in good parenting by upcoming rapper Ali's sudden, unexpected and quite exciting new personality. Did the former zombie-ish little Lohan really just throw a fit? Yell at the almighty Dina? As captivated as we were by this week's tips from Dina, lovingly crafted by Defamer Video Vixen Molly McAleer, we must note our newfound appreciation for this screaming version of little Ali. It's like, we can't put our finger on how exactly she's changed but, oh wait! Yes, she's showing her very first signs of Becoming Lindsay. Finally, the process begins. With that, we present three rules of manicured thumb we learned from the big D last night:
In our second edition of Living Lohan's
Invent Imaginary 'Allergies' To Break Tweenage Daughter From Her Nail-Polish Habit! Despite being a provably devoted fan of nail polish in all its acrylic glory, Dina found herself in one of those situations every mother does nowadays: being trapped in an SUV with a cameraman by your side as your gory makeup-loving daughter paints her own nails. Solution? Whine endlessly about your "allergy" to the stuff, as you struggle to drive with nails so polished even one of Lindsay's toy knives couldn't break 'em.
Deal With Daughter's Mean Friends By Inviting Access Hollywood Over! After receiving a call from Ali's school and learning that real-live "Mean Girls" were picking on her, Dina wisely handles her 15-year old's moping by inviting a nationally broadcast tabloid crew over to the manse house. The decision may seem counterproductive, potentially conducive to yet more stress, and generally irrelevant, but Dina knows what she's doing: distracting Ali from junior high bitches at her school by ensuring junior high bitches at every school in the land will pick on her! Lesson? Let as many people talk shit about you as possible, so long as they're all far, far away.
Enlist Token Friend With Worse Hair And Sadder Life Than You To Battle Blues! Even after sweeping that whole incident under the table (well, you know, broadcasting it on television, which is really the same thing), Dina confides in one of her BFFs about the traumatic experience. And in a stroke of Dina's trademark brilliance, this particular BFF was chosen for several clever reasons to boost Dina's mood: she wears glasses (Dina wears botulinum toxin), she does not do her hair (Dina has a blow-drying attendant just above Ali and just below Lindsay on speed dial), and she's tragically dealing with the loss of one of her own children. The entire package is enough to make Dina summon her best crocodile tears and just maybe, a little sympathy from the show's viewer viewers.
- LIVING LOHAN [E!]
Comments (AU Comments · US Comments)
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Old No.7
Posted 9:30 AM 10/6/08
And I'm just as cunty for misspelling 'ignorant'.
Old No.7
Old No.7
Posted 9:29 AM 10/6/08
Dina... it's better to be silent, and thought of as an ingnorant cunt, than to speak, and remove all doubt.
Old No.7
dearheart
Posted 10:21 AM 10/6/08
@Old No.7: Old No.7 (I'm assuming JD) and used the word 'cunty'? I think I love you.
dearheart
Losin_it
Posted 11:40 AM 10/6/08
They even had the grandmother whining about being teased as a child. Now come on now, toots. You're not your crazy, desperate for fame at any price daughter Dina. You know better. Right...?
Losin_it
jbk
Posted 3:49 PM 10/6/08
My fav part is when she says, "This is the first time I'm letting a camera crew come in my home" - as she is being filmed by a camera crew! Priceless.
jbk
raincoaster
Posted 7:16 PM 10/6/08
I can't help thinking if she gets one more rhinoplasty she'll be breathing out of a blowhole in the center of her face. I stole that from someone here, but it's never been more fitting.
raincoaster
lojofosho
Posted 10:01 PM 10/6/08
@Old No.7: "i would call her a cunt but she lacks the depth and the charm"---william styron
lojofosho
Itsjustcatnip
Posted 10:23 PM 10/6/08
You're doing your best as a mother, you're proud of yourself. You do all the little things, and imagine your little tyke becoming president and it's all due to your excellent job at shovelling Wal*mart peaches into his gaping maw. Just don't invite a camera crew in to film it all, because what you are doing is just inviting some feedback, or as I like to call it "evidence". Evidence for when your kid sues you later, like those kids who sue their parents for circumsizing them.
Maybe when you watch that tape 20 years later you'll realize that while it was the best Halloween ever, and while putting that big elaborate spider web all over the front porch and dressing little Stewie up as a spider was a great idea- maybe you shouldn't have put him in the Johnnie Jumper in that shadowy corner behind the hydrangea.* Sure it scared the sh*t out of pretty much everyone who hit your house, but it may be related to some later patterns in Stewie's development.
*Also- you should have remembered to bring him inside when you turned the porch light out.
Itsjustcatnip
genevieveyorke
Posted 11:23 PM 10/6/08
@raincoaster: and if she does one more line of blow her nose will collapse into her by-now gigantic sinuses.
genevieveyorke
Beppo
Posted 2:04 AM 11/6/08
@Itsjustcatnip: Very funny stuff.
Beppo
Kdoggy
Posted 2:24 AM 11/6/08
"Dina Lohan", the story of a shallow, vapid, benzedrine puff adder with the all the depth of a single human cum shot dispensed five minutes before closing time by a homosexual named "Rondo" on the locker room floor at Bally's in Hollywood...minus the taste.
Kdoggy
Patrik4Ever
Posted 4:42 AM 11/6/08
Notice how she leaves out the "...and needs a screw" part when she talks about being a carpenter's dream.
SLUT!
Patrik4Ever
saidMaryMandolin
Posted 10:27 AM 10/6/08
Isn't that phrase, in its entirety, "Carpenter's Dream; Flat as a board and easy to nail"? Oh, Dina. This episode was delicious. If she said 'Mean Girls' one more time, I thought my heart was gonna burst.
saidMaryMandolin