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Chris Martin Has Brad Pitt Penis Envy
Posted by Molly Friedman at 7:45 AM on June 14, 2008
We may not be the president of often smug, S&M footwear devotee Gwyneth Paltrow's fan club, but based on husband Chris Martin's recent cover story in Rolling Stone, we may consider joining based solely on her taste in men. The Coldplay front man, deemed "The Jesus Of Uncool" on the mag's cover, gives an interview that reveals that thoughts both homoerotic and apocalyptic (not to mention a severe case of Brad Pitt Penis Envy) are running through his brilliant but damaged head. Our favourite moments after the jump unmask Martin's incredibly forthright confessions regarding his assurance that Barack Obama will "fuck up" America for good, his lifelong love affair with "fantastic" boobs, and the apparent gay phase he went through while growing up. For example:
"[Martin] admits that he worried he was gay while growing up. 'It was more like, 'Oh shit, what if? But then it struck me: who gives a shit? When you're a kid you think, 'I'm going to burn in hell for eternity if I like other guys or if I marry someone Jewish'. He eventually realised he was heterosexual. 'I was swayed by boobs.'"
After revealing his ultimate conclusion that boobs were just more fantastic than any part of the male anatomy, Martin has the following to say about his love-hate relationship with Americans (shouldn't RS have reminded him that, ahem, his wife is from these parts despite her case of the Madonnas?): "It's a bummer, because over half of Americans are the coolest people on the planet. Of course, Barack Obama is human like the rest of us. He's going to fuck up." We'll forgive Martin for including Paltrow in the "cool" half, but his admitted insecurity issues dealing with the fact that he's dating Brad's ex are hard to swallow: "You've got to be hungry...If your wife went out with Brad Pitt, you'd want to prove yourself, you know what I mean?...I've only been in one serious relationship...Is that weird? I don't think it's that weird." No Chris, we don't think it's that weird, but you know what is? Giving a flying fuck that Paltrow spent some hairstyle-matching years on Pitt's arm. Just because Pitt's sperm may be magically charged with robust twin-making soldiers as compared to your one-at-a-time guys, it shouldn't matter to you because, hey, you got the girl. Chill out, enjoy her hooker wardrobe phase, and write a song about it.
- THE JESUS OF UNCOOL [Rolling Stone]
- COLDPLAY STAR CHRIS MARTIN ADMITS HE IS JEALOUS OF GWYNETH PALTROW'S EX BRAD PITT [Daily Telegraph]
Comments (AU Comments · US Comments)
There are currently no AU comments for this post.
Huge Tracts of Land
Posted 8:30 AM 14/6/08
Coldplay is the poor, poor man's Radiohead. Like the Bangladeshi refugee's Radiohead.
Huge Tracts of Land
TurdBlossom
Posted 8:25 AM 14/6/08
He likes boobs but married Gwyneth..oh wait that question just answered itself (more or less)
TurdBlossom
NoGrumpys
Posted 8:22 AM 14/6/08
should be Gweneth Paltow has boobs?!?
that's better - CARRY ON!!!
NoGrumpys
NoGrumpys
Posted 8:22 AM 14/6/08
Gweneth Paltow has boobs
I don't find boobs facinating - just squishy
I want a 45" chest that is all muscle - if you know what I mean (nudge - nudge - wink wink)
NoGrumpys
spanktastic
Posted 8:21 AM 14/6/08
Rather hypocritical to hate Americans?? A lot like Sinead OConnor.
spanktastic
crackbabyjesus
Posted 8:20 AM 14/6/08
If he likes boobs why is he dating Gwyneth? Oooh, because she IS a big ol' boob.
crackbabyjesus
Fama Est
Posted 8:08 AM 14/6/08
This is the cover story? Mercy.
Fama Est
Ofeelya
Posted 8:08 AM 14/6/08
Wankah.
Ofeelya
Leviticus_71
Posted 8:08 AM 14/6/08
He looks like he's ready to start his career as a Nascar driver for the Sergeant Pepper team.
Leviticus_71
Midge
Posted 7:59 AM 14/6/08
Jeezus. He's as boring as his muzak.
Midge
BScrivner
Posted 9:36 AM 14/6/08
So Gwyneth is now reduced to being Brad Pitt's ex, in the eyes of her husband? Bet they don't have a pre-nup.
BScrivner
Benovite
Posted 9:48 AM 14/6/08
@Leviticus_71: Hahaha!
@Huge Tracts of Land: Ahahahaha!
Benovite
BScrivner
Posted 9:46 AM 14/6/08
Wasn't there a big rumor about Gwynnie's dad being gay? You really do marry your parents.
BScrivner
roqstar
Posted 10:41 AM 14/6/08
haters. all of you.
i typically prefer the more aggressive stuff music-wise [and otherwise, gentlemen], but he's a lovely songwriter.
sure, it's common denominator pop music, but it's not anywhere near lowest common denominator music, which is what largely clogs the airwaves.
so there.
and he's muy sexy. i could show him a thing or two about being teh ghey.
roqstar
Tits_LaRue
Posted 10:38 AM 14/6/08
Hey Chris Martin: For years, I've heard about how you and your crappy band were so fucking uncool that I would, in effect, become magically uncool if I even listened to 10 seconds of your crappy band. Subsequently, the first time I ever heard your crappy band was on the latest iPod commercial, and was finally able to confirm that your crappy band was the lamest, most watered-down uncool pablum I've heard since the muzak version of a Barry Manilow song playing softly in my local supermarket... so... yeah, you're fucking uncool. Love, America.
Tits_LaRue
Tiger_Tanaka
Posted 10:55 AM 14/6/08
"You know how I knew you were gay?"
Tiger_Tanaka
Little Mintz Sunshine
Posted 11:40 AM 14/6/08
Are these the interesting things British people talk about at dinner parties?
Little Mintz Sunshine
Clunker
Posted 12:26 PM 14/6/08
Look at that picture! OMG! What a retard!
Clunker
HappyBlues
Posted 12:02 PM 14/6/08
Anyone remember Brad saying that he was "hung like a squirrel"? How much worse off could Chris be?
HappyBlues
Xylo
Posted 2:30 PM 14/6/08
@Huge Tracts of Land: Hey! Don't blame poor people for that Coldplay crap.
Xylo
Jaguares
Posted 4:12 AM 15/6/08
I'm going to admit here that I love Coldplay. I love my music mainstream, pop-ish, dancable, and with lyrics that aren't too stupid (FUCK YOU LIL WAYNE.) I guess that makes me uncool. Oh, I don't have the patience for Radiohead.
Jaguares
majikthise
Posted 4:12 AM 17/6/08
Rolling Stone is so losing it . . .
majikthise