· The Obscenity Trial of the Century is already living up to its name.
·Steven and Sylvester have a few words of support for quadruple-dipping Eddie Murphy.
· Shia LaBeouf is embroiled in an illegal, Five-Fingered Mexican Roulette scandal in which slurs are spoken
· The Happening is finally Happening!
· Leo DiCaprio has a biopic problem, as evidenced by a recent call with his agent that went something like, "And it's called Father of Pong, and I simply must make this movie!"
· Katherine Heigl isn't interested in your gold trinkets. Give her something she can sink her teeth into.
· We can't seem to get, nor do we want, confirmation of Paul Newman's lung cancer.
· Kit Kittredge: An American Girl preps girls early for a life of dressing up for a night of popcorn and consumption-porn.
· On Celebrity Rehab 2, Gary Busey will bring Jeff Conaway back from the brink. If Rodney King doesn't get there first. Dr. Drew, meanwhile, dances with the devil in the pale moonlight.
·Jackie Warner and Elizabeth Keener share the love that shall not speak its name, unless you're making out at a gay pride parade. Then it speaks it really loudly.
·Thanks to a pushy message-board-nerd and extra, Transformers 2's "Oblivous Hamburger-Eating Man" might never make it to the final cut. Damn you, pushy message-board nerd!
·Forbes' Celebrity 100: The haves and have-nots.
·It's Smurf vs. Smurf in the World Series of Smurfs.
· We give up, Debra Winger? What did make that kid burst into tears in Terms of Endearment?
· Jessica Alba and Cash Warren are parents! Of a girl! A girl baby!
· Starz celebrates the awfulness that is I Know Who Killed Me.

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· Has anyone seen Abigail Breslin's iPod Touch? The fate of the dancing-around -in-front -of-the- mirror- to-David Cook future depends upon it! [Tonight Show]
· Mike Myers admitted he developed a "man-crush" on Speedo-rocking Justin Timberlake while shooting The Love Guru. We've had a lot of "man-crushes" too in our time, Mike, and we find the best way to handle them is to have "man-sex" with the object of your "man-desires." [Us Magazine]
· The only thing crazier than the fact that Prince just turned 50 is the fact that Dr. Phil scored an invitation to his birthday party. No, Prince. Just. No. [ET Online]
·Tony Romo says rumours Joe Simpson sits at the end of his bed offering subtle directing tips for making camera-friendly love to his daughter are totally "laughable." [People]
· Remember when Juno was attacked by an Alien facesucker? Well she finally had the baby, and it's soooo cuuuuute!!! [dreadwhimsy.blogspot.com]

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Try as we might, there really is no fresh angle to report in the ongoing contract drama between SAG leadership and the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers — the saber-rattling fuckers hate each other, and no strike-avoiding resolution is in sight before the current deal's June 30 expiration date. That said, a story is a story, so why not stimulate your interest (and ours) by adding your own fun invective and hyperbole to the mix!

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Undoubtedly, if there's one thing that's weighing heavily on the minds of the fair citizens of our great nation, it's whether or not George Clooney's ex paid a trip to the rack-enhancer. Perhaps even more important than that is the question of whether or not said surgery was the straw that broke the Clooney's back. And while we never got a chance to ask her to answer these riveting questions in person, naturally, one of TMZ's most upstanding cameramen did. As you have come to learn, moments of levity and brevity like this populate each week's installment of Dirt Sandwich. This week, Defamer's resident sandwich artist Molly McAleer held all the salmonella-tainted tomatoes from this sammy and instead crafted a mouthwatering meal made up of only the finest, freshest and locally grown entertainment tidbits. Did Katherine Heigl diss the Grey's Anatomy writers? Are Audrina and LC still fighting? Will Cindy Margolis ever marry again? Remember kids, knowing is half the battle. Enjoy!

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Like that old car wreck cliché, the John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston quasi-relationship remains shamefully impossible to look away from. So glance away we shall. After getting caught slobbering in pools, then attempting to trick photographers by making separate exits post-dinner in New York, the Cougar Queen and her cad were most recently spotted gazing into each other's vacant eyes on Courteney Cox's balcony. But last night marked a (Very Exciting!) turn of events in which the closeted couple boldly went where every closeted couple eventually goes: agreeing to be photographed side by side, smile to smile, with nary a sign of resistance. Where the so-boring-they're-exciting couple grandly outed their union, and which enablers were present, after the jump.

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It's been two days now since our relatively peaceful, reacharound-loving community has been rocked by "I Do Not Feel I Was Given the Material This Season to Warrant a Nomination"-Gate. For those late to the party: Gold Derby blog had noticed polarizing actress-figure Katherine Heigl's name missing from a list of contenders; approached for comment, she explained that she had knowingly compromised Emmy-nominating protocol—and by extension, the very fundamentals upon which this great country is based!—by gallingly withdrawing herself from Best Actress consideration. And for what? For what she deemed to be substandard character arcs for her character on Grey's Anatomy. (In Heigl's defence, in Season 2 she was curled up in a hospital bed with her expired fiance; this season, she had a brief dalliance with her gay best friend followed by a torrid affair with a homicidal caribou.) Still, according to one series insider who spoke to EW.com, the thanklessness is beyond belief:

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Today's news that Ryan Phillippe and Reese Witherspoon's seven-year long marriage has just now "officially" ended invites all kinds of speculation on just why it took nearly two years for the divorce proceedings to finalise. Citing "irreconcilable differences" all the way back in 2006, the blonde duo split amid speculation that Ryan's bad boy behaviour ranged from publicly making out with current girlfriend Abbie Cornish on the Texas set of Stop Loss to an increasing level of resentment regarding his wife's fast-rising star status. And while celebrity divorces do typically take longer than usual, considering how many more properties, cars, adultery allegations and cash they tend to have, we find the timing of this particular pair's final John Hancocks a little suspicious given the past month's unusually abundant Reese-and-Ryan gossip flood. Is today's news just a coincidence, or did each party's very public pictorial statements recently have anything to do with it?

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We may not be the president of often smug, S&M footwear devotee Gwyneth Paltrow's fan club, but based on husband Chris Martin's recent cover story in Rolling Stone, we may consider joining based solely on her taste in men. The Coldplay front man, deemed "The Jesus Of Uncool" on the mag's cover, gives an interview that reveals that thoughts both homoerotic and apocalyptic (not to mention a severe case of Brad Pitt Penis Envy) are running through his brilliant but damaged head. Our favourite moments after the jump unmask Martin's incredibly forthright confessions regarding his assurance that Barack Obama will "fuck up" America for good, his lifelong love affair with "fantastic" boobs, and the apparent gay phase he went through while growing up. For example:

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Likely to nobody's surprise, Defamer's interlude last week with Werner Herzog yielded far more than just a few minutes' worth of feud-worthy slaps at his contemporary Abel Ferrara, whose Bad Lieutenant Herzog is remaking continuing later this year with Nicolas Cage. We also had the opportunity to get Herzog's side of a story first reported two years back by the L.A. Times, in which Joaquin Phoenix credited eyewitness Herzog for relaxing him after the actor rolled his car in Laurel Canyon.

And as our own version at the time relied on Phoenix's fantastical post-traumatic memory, we thought it necessary to close out this chapter of Hollywood folklore with the director's slightly more crystalline account. (The conference-room reverb makes Herzog's recollection even that much more godlike; you're welcome.) Flash back with us for the hell of it after the jump, and learn whom you have to thank for another Phoenix family crisis averted.

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Calcifying Hollywood icon Warren Beatty, the legendary playboy auteur famous for having created some of the most lauded and influential films of all time (as well as having slept with approximately 48,000 aspiring actresses between the years of 1967 and 1979), received a lifetime achievement award from the American Film Institute at a gala reception held at the Kodak Theatre last night. Here's a round-up of the goings on:
· Jane Fonda, Dustin Hoffman, Diane Keaton, Quentin Tarantino, and Steven Spielberg were among those in attendance. Jack Nicholson showed up a little late, looking crestfallen behind his sungalasses as he congratulated Beatty on winning "eight times as many awards as he's made pictures." [ABC/AP]
· Beatty was upstaged by another "aging ladies man and charismatic charmer," Bill Clinton, who surprised the crowd midway through the tribute with a recollection of the time at the 1972 DNC, when he shyly asked Beatty to walk "100 yards on the beach" with a woman to win her vote. Not only did Beatty comply, he brought her all the 100 yards back first thing next morning. [USA Today]

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The long-running war between the celebrity-obsessed activists at PETA and the tiny fur-obsessed Olsen Twins makes Cruise v. Shields scrap look like the Anglo-Zanzibar War in comparison. In the past, we've tended to laugh along as PETA got huffy at the tiny millionaires every time they insisted on draping themselves in the former coats of lions, tigers and bears during August heat waves, but a statement from the borderline bestiality fan group released today has us wondering which is worse: designing a (generally critically praised) collection including fur, or catty threats viciously aimed at the pair:

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The body-ravaging horrors of movie-theatre concessions aren't especially breaking news to anyone whose pores ever oozed yellow grease for two days after dropping $15 on one of those beloved Regal "Family-Trough" snack specials. But when couched in riveting metrosexual terms by Dave Zinczenko and the crew at Men's Health, the grim numbers yield a far more haunting context: A large popcorn with butter = 1,283 calories and 78 grams of fat; large nachos with cheese = 1,101 calories and 59 grams of fat.

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By some rare stroke of British luck, original waif Kate Moss was born with a very superheroine-esque capability: no matter what she does, from the beautiful to the grotesque to the illegal, the act will somehow wind up looking chic. Remember, this is the girl who bent over a dirty mirror to snort crusty Peruvian paint thinner in hellaciously grungy Pete Doherty's drug den on a grainy, shaky camera and managed to make the whole thing appear "alluring" (Slate), and "glamorous" (CNN.com). Today's case in point? Leaving the afterparty for her new fragrance launch in Berlin the other night, the supermodel's outwardly voluminous blonde glossy hair began to fall out. Right on the red carpet. For all to see. Pictures, and why the mishap will soon be the "thing to do" on every red carpet in the future, after the jump.

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The battle this spring between hands-on artiste Ed Norton and the Marvel Studio brass over the relaunch of the Hulk franchise has proven to be one of the most acrimonious displays of "creative differences" that we have seen in some time. The notoriously "passionate" (read: difficult) actor has been accused of "posturing" over how the final cut of the movie he famously claimed to have re-written played out, which led to a brisk retort written by Norton and emailed to, of all places, the actor-friendly confines of Entertainment Weekly. And although accuracy-challenged scribe Roger Friedman reports that Ed Norton "slipped off to a desert island rather than do publicity for the movie he stars in and nominally wrote," the cantankerous diva appeared in a Hulk promotional parody skit that aired on last night's Jimmy Kimmel Show. And while Norton brought the funny, he didn't resist the urge to get in a potshot at action-averse auteur Ang Lee.

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Just in from the set of her new film, the picture that could have launched a 1,000 rumours if its subject wasn't joined at the hip with another woman almost hourly: Lindsay Lohan is back at work — with a baby bump! OMG! Except, of course, well, no. "Lindsay Lohan wore a prosthetic baby bump Thursday while shooting her new comedy Labor Pains in Encino, California," report the killjoys at US Magazine. "She plays an assistant who pretends to be pregnant in a desperate attempt to keep her nasty boss from firing her." So meta, really, considering even her films' own broadcasters these days can't help but market their unwatchability; Starz should be ashamed of itself. Anyway, jump ahead for a closer look at what actually actually to be more "clump" than "bump" at this stage. All the more sympathetic, Linds — you know all our weaknesses. [US]

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A Defamer operative was kind enough to forward us his Arclight eNewsletter, and noticed that the prestige cineplex's snobby Classifications Committee has deemed the R-Rated M. Night Shyamalan's *SPOILER ALERT* eco- *END SPOILER ALERT* thriller The Happening a "comedy." We find this new trend beyond distressing, as studios and theater-owners are now taking it upon themselves to accelerate the crucial window that evolves a truly awful movie to camp-classic status. Clearly, there's too much revenue at stake from cutting-edge new upstarts like the Flopz channel to merely let the audience sort the so-bad-it's-bads from the so-bad-it's-goods. [Arclight Cinemas]

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Ann Leary, wife of Rescue Me star and Libertarian tobacco-tax oppositionist Denis Leary, has written a novel, entitled Outtakes From a Marriage, in which the author has followed the age-old writer's maxim of writing about what one knows; in this case, what Ann knows is that her husband is entirely too preoccupied with the gravity-defying physical attributes of his BFF and frequent co-star, Elizabeth Hurley:

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The twists just keep on coming in the now-suspended Obscenity Trial of the Century, in which defendant and celebrated poo-vid helmer Ira Isaacs has taken a back seat to the trial's own judge — Alex Kozinski, himself recently revealed (by a grudge-holding lawyer, natch, but we'll get to that) to be a connoisseur of impeccable barnyard porn and transsexual slidshows on his publicly available Web site. This obviously isn't sitting well with the judiciary or even with Kozinski himself, a Supreme Court short-lister who said Thursday he would cooperate with an investigation of his own alleged wrongdoing:

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Welcome back to Defamer Attractions, your guide to the latest surges and scourges among this weekend's new movies. After a fairly predictable go of things last week, we face a pair of high-profile releases that couldn't be further apart in their critical and commercial futures, a nifty and thoroughly unnerving art-house project (hint: wheelchair sex) and a surplus of worthwhile DVD debuts for the shut-ins among us. As always, our opinions are our own and, of course, exceedingly tasteful and accurate. We are always looking out for you!

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