The Un-Upfronts

· Upfront Week had something to underwhelm everyone: ABC’s travelling game shows. FOX’s mysterious smoke-ring people. CBS’s contribution to the fat dad/hot wife sitcom genre, The CW’s 90210. Who did we leave out? Oh yeah. Him.
· Defamer offers you a front row seat to us covering Cannes coverage in our underwear!
· Yo, Speed Racer: Eat Iron Man’s iron shorts! Emile Hirsch burns rubber out of UTA.
· Is the final nail in Nailed’s coffin? Yes! No! Yes! We don’t know! Sooobbb.
· Few karaoke survivors following Fantasia’s Idol bloodbath.
· Danny Glover fondly recalls taking fistfuls of psychedelics and fucking his brains out during the Summer of Love in a new VH1 doc.
· Don’t believe everything Dolly Parton tells you about Burt Reynolds and Johnny Carson’s double-teaming exploits. It’s studio trickery!
· Here’s what we know for sure about Sex and the Movie: Carrie shoves bread in her mouth while making the biggest announcement of her life. It’s too long. And Sarah Jessica Parker’s hat and hands freak us the fuck out.
· Megan Fox, as naked as you’re likely to see her this week.
· Lindsay Lohan: The Lesbian Rumour Years. The tears! The hickeys!
· We’re ever so slightly less concerned about Jennifer Aniston’s fragile state of mind. For now at least.
· Brad Pitt’s new tattoo is right above his coinslot.
· Defamer rides the specialvator to an SNL taping!
· Will you be my lawfully wedded Lamas, to have and to hold, so long as the cameras are still running? I do!
· Which reminds us! When are they going to have a gay Bachelor, already? (We mean, besides seasons 3 through 7.) Jodie Foster must have sure felt a rumbling on the horizon.
· Trampy Gwynnie Tosses Frocks
· It’s like Annie Hall, but with more Scarlett-on-Penelope action.
· Simply, Shia.