Satan’s Bloodthirsty Minions Prepare to Sell ‘Donnie Darko’ Sequel at Cannes
A particularly virile, voracious flock of vultures is apparently en route to Cannes, where next week we’re told they plan to pre-sell territories to a sequel to Richard Kelly’s revelatory 2001 cult classic Donnie Darko. Leading the charge are the sick, sick fuckers at Velvet Octopus, a UK-based sales agency/Faustian hellhole where ideas go to be tortured, mutilated, disemboweled and beheaded in return for an advance against foreign box office.
Screen Daily notes that the horrible film S. Darko, set to start shooting May 18 at a location reeking of infernal sulphur and the dead, bloated body of God Himself, “picks up seven years after the first film (and Donnie’s death) when little sister Samantha Darko and her best friend Corey are now 18 and on a roadtrip to Los Angeles when they are plagued by bizarre visions.” Donnie Darko alum Daveigh Chase will reprise her role as the title character, while noted motherfucking hack Chris Fisher — the cloven-hoofed anti-visionary responsible for Nightstalker and Rampage: The Hillside Strangler Murders — will take over the directing reins, which he will then use to strangle the life out of Kelly’s original story and everyone who loves it.
Between bites of Chase’s soul, Velvet Octopus rep Simon Crowe told Screen Daily: “”I think there is a new generation of cinema-goers who will be very excited to see this film. … Donnie’s not in [the new film] but there are meteorites and rabbits.” Chortling away, Crowe then excused himself for a custom tuxedo fitting that would allow his muscular red tail to breathe during his 10-day blood feast on the Croisette. We wish the worst of luck to him and all involved.