Resolution No. 2: Disney Must Immediately Release its Groundbreaking Nature Film ‘Beverly Hills Chihuahua’

WHEREAS, Walt Disney Pictures has made available online this week its trailer for the animated/live-action film Beverly Hills Chihuahua, and

WHEREAS, said trailer features George Lopez in his archetypally go-to role as Hollywood’s default Mexican voice talent, and

WHEREAS, per cosmic law, secondary Mexican voice talent Cheech Marin is also represented, and

WHEREAS, said trailer introduces Papi, the character referred to in the film’s title and the descendant of small singing dogs who “fought alongside Aztec warriors,” and

WHEREAS, said trailer features Papi leading a garish CGI chihuahua-ganza of cruise-ship music and Busby Berkley-esque showstoppers, and

WHEREAS, said trailer employs the hip-hop refrain, “We’re tiny, we’re mighty, we’re number one / Yo, we’re the real hot dogs, so hold the bun,” and

WHEREAS, the frame captured at left is an actual image from said trailer, and

WHEREAS, we cannot stop staring at this image in stunned, staggered anticipation, and

WHEREAS, the only thing missing from the otherwise flawless said trailer is a sequence featuring a chihuahua shaman removing a still-beating chihuahua heart; and

WHEREAS, said trailer ends with the unassailably profound tagline, “50% Warrior. 50% Lover. 100% Chihuahua,” and

WHEREAS, we are surprised to discover that the film said trailer supports in not of the “straight-to-DVD” variety but rather a full-length feature to be released in theatres Sept. 26 of this year, and

WHEREAS, there is no fucking way we are waiting nearly five months to see this year’s tacky, tasteless, post-culture equivalent of Snakes on a Plane,

NOW, THEREFORE, LET IT BE RESOLVED BY DEFAMER,

1. That Disney moves up the release of Beverly Hills Chihuahua to this Friday, May 9 — preferably as a replacement to Speed Racer, which we viewed yesterday and which barely seems finished;

2. That Beverly Hills Chihuahua rename its female lead “Apocalynkerbell” in deference to its studio’s previous anthropological foray into extinct Mesoamerican cultures;

3. That said trailer precedes every screening of every film in every theatre from now until the date Disney can arrange for the wide release of the full-length feature.

RESOLUTION PASSED this 6th day of May, 2008.

SIGNED,

DEFAMER

• Beverly Hills Chihuahua [Disney]