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Official Site Guarantees Safe Websurfing Environment For Tom Cruise-Lovers
Posted by Seth at 2:50 AM on May 7, 2008
In yet another calculated attempt at reclaiming the image he's labored to build over a quarter-century as Hollywood's most bankable leading men, world's leading Tom Cruise archivist Tom Cruise has opened his vaults and splayed their contents across his newly minted digital headquarters, TomCruise.com.
A carefully monitored, cordoned-off section of the intertubes where no malicious pranksters can post footage of the actor electrocuting Oprah Winfrey to death on infinite loop, the monochromatic vanity-site aims to "bring you in and share with you the fun I experience every day during the filmmaking process, from working on the script, to the making of the film through to what we finally see when we settle into our seats and the lights go down." Notably absent: a Tom's Blog section, the concept having been briefly toyed with before Cruise himself instructed his WebOrg-assigned site designer to delete it. After all, the series of increasingly hysterical messages left by commenter IndenturedServitude, along the lines of, "Please! Anyone! I am being held captive in a labyrinth seven stories beneath the Telluride compound. You're my only hope! Signed, KH...P.S. Beware the cyclops," threatened to compromise the very P.R.-spinning purpose of the site itself.
Comments (AU Comments · US Comments)
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bowleen
Posted 3:30 AM 7/5/08
@Benovite: Thank you! That was awesome on so many levels...
bowleen
DexterRiley
Posted 3:25 AM 7/5/08
And of course, "working on the script" means feverishing trying to figure out what all those dancing letters mean to his alphabet-soup deciphering brain of his, before giving up and making a P.A. feed him his lines.
DexterRiley
Benovite
Posted 3:22 AM 7/5/08
In order to maintain balance.
Benovite
Old No.7
Posted 3:11 AM 7/5/08
All the recent movie bombs means Tom must be pinching pennies... he registered the site through GoDaddy.com.
Registered through: GoDaddy.com, Inc. ([www.godaddy.com])
Domain Name: TOMCRUISE.COM
Created on: 06-Nov-96
Expires on: 04-Nov-16
Last Updated on: 28-Apr-08
Old No.7
CourageousCoward
Posted 3:09 AM 7/5/08
Don't forget your ISP is recorded and beamed immediately to CO$ HQ. Did you remember to opt-out of receiving e-mails from his "affiliated companies you may have an interest in?"
When you log in as a member, it yells, "Clear!"
CourageousCoward
Sweet Panda Love
Posted 3:03 AM 7/5/08
Wow, a web site that automatically plays music when you hit it - that was fucking annoying for Geocities-using cat enthusiasts in 1999.
Forget the cyclops - I'd be worried about the pack of baying hell hounds that are released if she hits the outside perimeter.
Sweet Panda Love
Juancho
Posted 5:16 AM 7/5/08
(adds Benovite to watch list)
Well done!
Juancho
Tiger_Tanaka
Posted 5:10 AM 7/5/08
Dear Tom,
Watched your highlight reel. Please, just act and never say another word about your private life again, and everything should be fine.
Sincerely,
Non-Scientoligists of Earth
Tiger_Tanaka
brilliantmistake
Posted 4:58 AM 7/5/08
What is he looking at? I visit your webpage and you can't be bothered to make eye-contact, Tom?
brilliantmistake
Benny
Posted 5:50 AM 7/5/08
Ha ha ha! That was awesome. Dyslexic douche. @DexterRiley:
Benny
Whiteboyfunfark
Posted 7:29 AM 7/5/08
I was kinda expecting gay porn with condoms based on your headline, but I guess this is nice, too.
Whiteboyfunfark
Magnolia
Posted 7:12 AM 7/5/08
Shouldn't it be TomCruise.org?
Magnolia
spanktastic
Posted 8:00 AM 7/5/08
He's a poser.
spanktastic
bonniegrrl
Posted 11:45 AM 7/5/08
Tom haters to the left.
I'm still giddy from staring at the section for "Legend."
bonniegrrl
Whiteboyfunfark
Posted 2:56 PM 7/5/08
@bonniegrrl: At this point that would probably tip the earth off it's axis.
Whiteboyfunfark
Benovite
Posted 1:46 AM 8/5/08
@bonniegrrl: Oh shit I love that movie!! Gotta check out his site now..
Benovite
Benovite
Posted 1:59 AM 8/5/08
Never let it be said that Tom Cruise was afraid to pose with unicorns.
[i32.tinypic.com]
Mia Sara on the other hand looked a wee bit pensive.
Benovite