Logies 08: Live Blogging Australian Television’s Night Of Nights!

Yet another live blog – it’s not even been a week since the last one! Obviously someone is a total glutton for punishment, but you’ll have to decide in your own time whether it is yours truly, the blogger who spits in the face of A Life and happily stays in for eighteen hour chunks of horrible television viewing, or you – the beloved reader who is prepared to read someone else’s thoughts on eighteen hours of horrible television viewing.

As long as we stick together, we’ll get through this evening. I promise.

Oh, and guess what? We’re very excited to have our very own Defamer Australia Deep Throat at the Logies this year, and they’ve promised to send us ridiculous and potentially libelous snippets of gossip via the magic of SMS! Who is it? I am absolutely unable to tell you, as our new BFF Sonia Kruger made us swear to keep our mouths shut. JUST KIDDING. It’s someone else, and they’re great, and we’re looking forward to hearing an insider’s perspective through out the night.

So let’s meet back here at Hell O’Clock and do this shizz after the jump.3.43PM: Our dedicated spy texts us hours before the Logies is due to kick off and says “Already spotted Nicholas Cage in St Kilda. Wearing a hat.” BECAUSE HE IS BALDING? Excellent spot, Deep Throat.

RED CARPET SPECIAL

7.30PM: Oh god. Just saw an ad on Channel Nine informing me that we’ll soon be on the Red Carpet with Jules Lund, Shelley Craft, and Livinia Nixon. My heart already begins to sink, and I can’t help but wonder if I would have been better off watching Corey on Channel Ten?

7.35PM: We are on the Red Carpet and introduced to this evening’s fashion proceedings by Jules Lund. He pulls Shelley and Livinia into shot, and they indulge in some awkward chummery. Shelley says “We have to handle tonight with military precision.” If this means one of you is taken out by a (metaphorical) sniper, I’m game.

7.38PM: Dean Geyer, escorted by Kym Valentine, opens up about his recent engagement to Lisa from The Veronicas. “When you get engaged to one twin, you pretty much get engaged to both. I’m a little nervous about that, actually.” So I’d imagine! Losing your virginity to one young lady is something, having to tag team twin sisters on your wedding night is quite another.

7:41PM: Catriona Rowntree reveals her sadness at Getaway being nominated for eight thousand Logies and not winning a single thing – “We are the John Wood of the Logies…” she says. Surely John Wood is the John Wood of the Logies?

7:43PM: Livinia – “The burning question that everyone at home wants to know, Rove and Tasma – did you arrive by police escort?” Yeah, that’s the one thing we want to know about their relationship. Is it wrong to say that it still seems really strange seeing Rove clutching hands with Tasma Walton?

7:46PM: Westlife’s outfits brought to you by amyl.

7:47PM: Someone check Doris Younane’s attic for a rapidly aging portrait, please. I remember her vividly from her time on Heartbreak High the television show, and she is clearly getting younger each year.

7:49PM: LOVE YOU, CLAUDIA KARVAN! I’M NOT EVEN BOTHERING TO LISTEN TO WHAT YOU SAY, I AM TOO BUSY WANTING TO BE YOUR BEST FRIEND.

7:50PM: Fuzzy reveals she’s finding the screaming from the crowd disconcerting but “I think I’ll build my confidence as the years go by”. Confident about your televisual shelf life then, eh?

7:51PM: Shelley Craft and Richard Wilkins drop an almost shocking number of Channel Nine promotions in their thirty seconds of banter eg: “Any gossip for us, Richard?” “Well, you can catch all the gossip tomorrow on Channel Nine’s Today Show!” –> DIE.

7:55PM: “I’ve got Angel and Kouta waiting inside to tackle you guys” Livinia threatens Tom Williams and Zoe Naylor. If only! Now that’s a Logies worth taping. FACT: Zoe Naylor was my school captain.

7:56PM: Sonia Kruger! WAVE AT THE CAMERA FOR US, SONIA! LOVE YOU TINA SPARKLE! She reveals “I didn’t bother shaving my legs for tonight… that’s true. You wanna check them out?” Jules Lund giggles awkwardly in response. GOLD LOGIE FOR SONIA NEXT YEAR, PLEASE!

7:57PM: I’m watching the Logies with my old housemate Nat, who shouts excitedly “OH MY GOD, IS THAT IAN THORPE WITH A WOMAN?” Ha! No comment.

7:58PM: Shelley asks Kerri-Anne Kennerley the secret of her Logies fashion success year after year. “Boning” is KAK’s response. Huh? Given that Kerri-Anne is from Channel Nine, I can’t help but wonder what this could really mean. Who had to die for your sartorial splendour, woman?

8:00PM: Jennifer Byrne giggles lovingly through out Andrew Denton’s tongue in cheek spiel as to why the Gold Logie is all his. Bless them.

8:03PM I am slightly bored and have switched over to Channel Ten’s Big Brother. Some bald bloke named Adam is going into the house. Okay.

8:07PM: Just switched back in time to see Magda Szubanski attacking Lisa McCune. Hurrah! Nice timing!

8:09PM She may well be incredibly nice “IRL” but I cannot be alone in thinking Shelley Craft is the least sincere person ever to grace a television screen? Who cares. Red Carpet Hell is over, and on with the show!

2008 TV WEEK LOGIE AWARDS

8:10PM: The show opens with the So You Think You Can Dance kids rocking it for the nation one last time. The Bass then welcomes everyone to the 2008 TV Logie Awards with the over-enthusiastic half-insane giggling approach to presenting we’ve come to know and worship.

8:16PM After an amusing schtick filled banter, Kath & Kim present the award for Most Popular Reality program. And the winner is… Dancing With The Stars! YOU GO, SONIA! My old housemate Nat says “Five minutes in and Daryl Somers has already won something… it’s a worry” and she’s right. Hey Daryl, didn’t you leave Dancing With The Stars? Shouldn’t Sonia be allowed to say something, in that case?

8.19PM: We’re already bored, so we text Deep Throat and ask what’s happening. “Fuck all. [REDACTED] slipped off for a sly drink cos the waiters are stingy.” GRIPPING STUFF.

8:20PM:“It’s just not the same as when a familiar face gives it to you straight up” – being a childish type who can still vividly recall Kate Ritchie’s sex video, this makes me chuckle ever so quietly when the ex Home & Away star introduces an award with these words.

8.22PM: “I should mention that I met Terri and Bindi, and Bindi doesn’t smile unless she’s on camera. She’s headed for a fall.”

8:25PM “At the end of the day, he’s a seventeen year old boy. He could be your son. So no booing.” – we’ve switched over to Channel Ten momentarily to hear the crowd hissing at party boy Corey Worthington, and Kyle Sandilands sticking up for him. What? The world is weird.

8:28PM: Patti Newton and Denise Drysdale are on stage to present Most Popular Factual Program (IS THIS ACTUALLY A CATEGORY? HAHA!). It’s nice to see Ding Dong chatting away after a couple of shandies, until she mentions her favourite Logies moment was when she met John Wayne “… and I said you can put your boots under my bed any time… and he did. I just wish he’d taken the spurs off.” No one in the audience laughs, as we’re all kind of confused. It started out like a euphemism, but now we’re just left wondering if John Wayne literally kicked Ding Dong in the nether regions during a particularly horrific post-Logies hook up.

8:33PM Ian Stenlake has made me feel a bit nauseous. He and Alison Whyte give the Silver Logie for Most Popular Actor to Chris Lilley – well deserved! FACT: Chris Lilley is a massive fan of Spicks & Specks and can be spotted hanging around the back of the studio during filming to watch.

8:37PM: “Mark Furze looked SO happy for Chris Lilley.” – we’re sensing some sarcasm there from our Deep Throat!

8:40PM Channel Nine presents a clip where stars talk about their Logies memories. Delta Goodrem shares an anecdote about her dress, but I’m more concerned by her deep husky voice! She sounds like a transvestite! And I should know, I have a man-voice so I recognise it in others. I do hope that naughty Brian McFadden hasn’t peer pressured her into smoking.

8:41PM: Most Popular Actress goes to the affable Kate Ritchie. She misses Home & Away, it’s been a big year, etc.

8:43PM Andrew Denton continues his (possibly champagne fueled) faux-cockiness regarding his Gold Logie chances with Hamish and Andy in the Green Room – “I’ve discussed this with Jennifer, and she understands that when I win the Gold Logie… I’ll be having sex with lots of other women” and then “It’s a big night for me, I’m just here to get my Gold Logie.” HA!

8:46PM Richard Wilkins makes a lame attempt to take the piss out of The Chaser, with a Jackie Kelly-esque “Chaser style prank” which basically involves them pretending to pull camera equipment from the anus of a Chas-doppelganger. Gutbusting. And now time for some music! “The album is a killer!” – has anyone actually ever turned to Richard Wilkins for a musical heads up? The group start playing. This band sounds like they were recorded underwater in a tin shed… in Africa. And we’re hearing the playback over the phone.

8.52PM “So much booing and hissing when the AFL people thanked Sam Newman.”

8:56PM: Rove is on stage to present Most Popular New Male Talent – it goes to Lincoln Lewis from Home & Away, who is rugby league great Wally Lewis’ son. He seems genuinely rather sweet and over excited. He can’t stop talking. It is reminiscent of when Natalie Blair won in 2005 and couldn’t shut up for what felt like three hours.

8:59PM Tim Campbell and Natalie Blair are presenting Most Popular New Female Talent – and he makes the same joke I just did about her ridiculously long speech! The award goes to Bindi Irwin. This is just the start of Bindi’s 2008 trophy binge, you know. Best Urban Release for Trouble In The Jungle at this year’s ARIA Awards is a shoe-in!

9:01PM Bindi is…horrifyingly poised as she delivers her acceptance speech. Until the last bit – then her squeal at the end made my blood curdle. To calm myself, I hold a Most Popular New Female Talent Logie (YES REALLY). I make a joke speech thanking the folk in the living room for tolerating my live blogging, and then fling it away in order to be able to type again.

9:07PM More Logies memories from the stars. Kate Langbroek remembers how she always stumbles across Sam Newman at some point during the festivities, and he’ll always try and flirt with her. And she loves it! “I hope your prostate operation hasn’t changed you, Sam!” she adds. Arf!

9:10PM Red hot special Lisa McCune presents the award for Most Outstanding Drama Series, Miniseries or Telemovie to the ABC’s Curtin. William McInnes is a dirty spunk.

9:13PM Dannii Minogue is presenting Most Popular Light Entertainment Program, and it’s obvious she’s rooting for Kath & Kim… and she backs a winner (booo, we had high hopes for Summer Heights High!). Still, all the shows nominated were pretty bloody good and we can live with a Kath & Kim victory! Gina Riley admits she didn’t think they’d win tonight as they were up against such stellar stuff. As Gina & Jane, they still manage to make everyone laugh, and we kinda want to hug them, or at least get drunk with them.

9:22PM Les Hill and some other bloke from Underbelly present a tribute to Sally Fletcher. We cut to a video of the Umbilical Brothers – and I scream “I FUCKING HATE THESE GUYS!” but by the end of the skit, I have chuckled more than four times and feel a bit bad for being such a negative anti-Umbilical type. Back to Les and The Other Bloke – they give the award for Most Popular Australian Drama to Home & Away. The cast make their way on to the stage and the old bird who plays Colleen nearly trips. Be careful, Colleen! A short but sweet speech from Irene.

9:28PM The Footy Show (AFL) wins Most Popular Sexist Posse or something like that. No sign of Sam Newman near the microphone. It may just be taking him longer than expected to wrangle the Caroline Wilson mannequin from the car park into the building. Actually, it turns out he’s not attending tonight’s ceremony. Garry Lyon, because The Footy Show’s hero of the hour is elsewhere this evening, makes mention of what a star Sam Newman is and members of the crowd boo. Garry justifies Sam’s actions by saying it gets the show a lot of attention, and that’s good for ratings. Ergo, Sam Newman is a saint. Erm, what? You’re a fucking idiot, Lyon.

9:37PM Tina Sparkle AKA Defamer Australia’s BFF Sonia Kruger makes an amazing joke comparing Dancing With The Stars with co-presenter Shane Jacobsen’s Kenny franchise – “turning human waste into entertainment… and I haven’t actually seen your show yet.” Cocktails next time we’re in Sydney, Kruger? We’ve sent our Deep Throat out with a mission to hug you and give you our love. Fingers crossed. Oh, and Rove wins something to do with TV presenting. MORE SONIA!

9:41PM Alright, Chris Lilley is a fucking genius. If he misses out on the Gold Logie, I will get violent.

9:46PM After that live performance, Chris Lilley is now a Logies hero.

9.50PM “Just quietly, I think [REDACTED] is rooting [REDACTED].” – wish I could tell you who that was about, but I’d actually get punched in the face.

9:52PM Daryl Somers is on stage with Dickie Knee. I whisper to my housemate “God, he’ll never let go of Hey Hey will he?” and then before I know it, Dickie Knee actually pipes up “Why don’t they bring back Hey Hey It’s Saturday?”. Daryl responds that he’s not sure audiences would embrace it. Surely the last few years of Hey Hey’s ratings confirmed that for you, Daz? I heard a rumour once that Daryl quit Dancing With The Stars because although they let him film a pilot for a new series of Hey Hey It’s Saturday, they didn’t pick it up in the end and he cracked it. Moving on! He gives the Logie for Most Outstanding Children’s Program to Lockie Leonard.

9:56PM Micallef, Australia’s very own George Clooney, is charming the crowd and making me swoon – and then presents the award for Most Outstanding News Coverage. It goes to “Garuda Plane Crash” (Seven News).

9:59PM Rebecca Gibney introduces a clip celebrating the lives of the Australian entertainers we’ve lost over the last year. Charmaine Dragun, Matt Price, Clynton Grybas, and Heath Ledger get especially loud applause from the audience.

10:06PM John Clarke is being inducted into the Logies Hall of Fame. Within a few seconds of watching John Clarke’s greatest hits, I am reminded of just what a comic god he is. I also remind myself to get a hold of the DVD boxset of The Games.

10:11PM Standing ovation for John Clarke! He thanks everyone, but then makes a special mention of Bryan Dawe – “We’ve been working together every week on television and radio for twenty years – and we’re going to keep doing it until we get it right”. Bless them.

10:19PM Hamish and Andy are talking to Westlife in the gold coloured green room. They are playing a bit later on, we are told. Sigh. I wonder if Brian McFadden will pop up on stage with them? And sing crap songs about Delta?

10:23PM Adam Hills is presenting, but makes two or three dicey jokes and feels he’s blown it in the eyes of the crowd. “I should have just read out the acceptance speech I didn’t get to make earlier…” he says. “Actually, I will!” And he does. It goes down a treat, and then he presents the Graham Kennedy Award For Most Outstanding New Talent to Tammy Clarkson for The Circuit.

10:28PM “Kids watching at home… just ask your parents. They’ll tell you who I am.” is how Garry McDonald introduces himself. He’s presenting Most Outstanding Comedy and the nominees are Kath & Kim, Summer Heights High, The Chaser’s War on Everything, Thank God You’re Here, and Wilfred. The winner is – Summer Heights High! Hurrah!

10:32PM Coming up next, we all kill ourselves! Oh, and Westlife! (Where are the American token presenters this year, I wonder? Michael Weatherly, a nation mourns your absence… you too, Joan Rivers)

10:36PM Molly Meldrum describes “Swear It Again” by Westlife as an “amazing single”. He and Richard Wilkins are trusted by network television executives to give us the low down on what is happening, yeah? Do you think that at some point during the next decade, they could pass the baton on to someone perhaps unable to travel on a seniors card? Anyway. Molly Meldrum, stop talking shit about your time on Dancing With The Stars. This is not about you! Just let Westlife sing! OH GOD I NEVER THOUGHT I’D TYPE THAT.

10:40PM Heh. Clem pops up on Gmail chat to say “I actually quite like this Westlife song” – that’s our girl!

10:41PM Peter Helliar aka Strauchnie and Eddie McGuire are presenting Most Outstanding Sports Coverage. Strauchnie makes a joke about Todd McKenney and laughs for a really long time, rightfully saying “You were waiting for it!” Eddie composes himself and begins to launch into the usual rubbish, when Peter Helliar – obviously a bit hyped up – kicks into comedic gear. “I’m available for corporates as well. Just chatting to Georgie Parker, some exciting Zoot reviews coming up with Strauchnie!” He then tries to sell DVD copies of Underbelly to the crowd. “For an extra two bucks, I’ll throw in Monster House! For another two dollars, you can get The Power Of Ten – with the never before seen second episode!” Eddie and the crowd guffaw, and Peter mumbles quietly and happily “Strauchnie goes there, doesn’t he?” Officially the funniest thing I’ve ever seen Peter Helliar do. Three thumbs up!

10:48PM Damian Leith and Georgie Parker present Most Outstanding Factual Series. Damian towers over Georgie. I thought he was leprechaun sized? Maybe it was just the accent. We’re rooting for Border Security on this one, solely because of the clip they showed of the Asian bloke who was staying in the country five days but had packed with him twenty pairs of undies, raising the suspicions of customs. “I no want to get dirty!”, our knicker-loving friend explains. Hygiene is important! My support clearly means nothing, and the very good Choir Of Hard Knocks picks up the award. My, isn’t Jason Stephens a real grown up these days!

10:56PM Is it nearly over yet? I’m tired. I am cradling the real life Logie for strength. It is cool and soothing.

10:59PM Someone quite posh is presenting Most Outstanding Documentary. It goes to Constructing Australia: The Bridge. We hold the Logie even closer and pray for a streaker to end the earnestness.

11:03PM Most Outstanding Public Affairs Report… (begins pashing the Logie)

11:04PM The award goes to the Belinda Emmett documentary. God, that’s gotta be a mood killer for Tasma when she’s attending her first Logies with Rove? IT IS WRONG TO SAY THAT ISN’T IT, I KNOW, BUT I CAN’T HELP BUT THINK IT.

11:11PM Hamish and Andy present a clip where they’ve been inserted into footage of the more memorable Logies moments (the infamous Jack Thompson acceptance speech, Mohammed Ali, etc). Then Rose Byrne and Vince Collosimo arrive on stage and introduce the award for Most Outstanding Actor. Rose looks sad! But beautiful, and that’s all that counts. It goes to Stephen Curry for his portrayal of Graham Kennedy (sorry, Daniel G – my Bert Newton mistake was not me being richly comic, I had to start work at 5am this morning so I am a bit spazzy in the head) in The King. Good for you, kid. His speech is funny and sweet and the camera cuts to Sigrid Thorton and Kerry Armstrong giggling like school girls at Stephen’s words. He finally thanks his girlfriend Nadine, who he says wasn’t invited tonight which will make things awkward “but it does free me up to bang someone from Underbelly” HAHAHAHA

11:21PM Alison Whyte wins her second Logie for Most Outstanding Actress, this time for Showcase’s Satisfaction. Damn, I wish I could afford Foxtel. Alison is crying a bit and is very excited to have won.

11:23PM All the celebrities who have featured in the Memories… clips this evening inexplicably mime The Veronicas’ ode to not having sex with your Christian ex-Idol contestant boyfriend, Untouched. I wonder what Ruby Rose and Jess Veronicas are up to right now?

11:18PM Bert Newton is doing his thang on the stage, and being rather adorable. He is making dirty jokes about Patti bending into positions he’d not seen in years after her time on Dancing With The Stars, and running away to make the gay love with her jiving partner.

11:32PM GOLD LOGIE OMG! WHO WILL IT GO TO?

11:33PM Bert announces it goes to… KATE RITCHIE! Oh! I really thought either Rove or Chris Lilley would get it, but hey – after thirty seven years playing Sally bloody Fletcher, Kate probably deserves two Logies. Also, how good does she look? I like it when women come into their own in their mid-twenties rather than blossoming at seventeen and then developing a drug habit and disappearing from our lives forever. Kate also makes an emotional speech about missing being Sally Fletcher, the poor love. The group of people I’m watching the awards with grumble that Kate Ritchie is too “together” – it would have been nice and exciting to see her off tits, but we can’t have everything, folks.

Am I alone in thinking this year’s ceremony felt disappointingly flat?

And that, my friends, is that.

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