Australia’s Next Top Model 4 Round-Up: Seductive, Sexy And Hydrated

Perhaps a case of ‘difficult second episode’ for this week’s installment of Australia’s Next Top Model Cycle 4. Traditionally “makeover week” provides some quality tears and tantrums (who could forget Cycle 2’s Louise crying about her “fire-engine red”), but they’re a bit of a boring bunch this year. Only Alex came up with the goods, psychotically rocking back and forth and telling every man and his dog that her “Cleopatra” look was “a step backwards when it should be a step forwards.” She shut up when Jonathon told her “I’ll give you something to cry about later…”But unfortunately he didn’t make good on his promise – this week was otherwise pretty dull.

A fashion parade in their skimpies on the HMAS Melbourne provided the sailors (male variety) with plenty of hootin’ an’ hollerin’ material (while the female sailors looked alternately daggers and/or bored), and Demelza offering this year’s cringe-worthy jailbait moment, flashing her knickers (no doubt Steph H from Cycle 3, in the crowd as an “industry judge”, thought she was stealing her steez, after her shudder-inducing fly-undoing at last year’s pre-finale Fashion Assassin runway show).

Leiden’s 19th birthday saw the “over-18s” head to the yacht club for shots, where Alex (who has a boyfriend on the home front) was “dared” to make out with a dude who looked more like a Crime Stoppers Identikit portrait than a living, breathing human being. Boyfriend sniffled down the line in the Phone Room and begged Alex not to “make me cry”. They fuck you and then they fuck you, BF – it’s a step backwards when it should’ve been a step forwards.

Everything was saved by the appearance of the hysterical Napoleon Perdis, who shot the newly made-over girls in a beauty campaign, but even Mr Orange himself couldn’t lift the mood, and we were treated to a parade of sad-looking girls being sprayed with water while Napoleon and Jonathon looked on like stunned mullets.

Finally it was eviction time and zzzz Kristy got the boot. More fun next week, please!

FASHIONABLE QUOTES:

Leiden, after Jodhi Mail arrived with boxed butterflies: “I kind of taste-tested the butterfly.”

Alamela’s horror at Demelza’s arse-cheek revelation: “You don’t flash your knickers at 16-years-old to a bunch of sailors!”

Leiden, after Alyce’s shoulder-strap slipped off on HMAS Melbourne: “No, I didn’t see Alyce’s boob at the show. But I’ve seen everyone else’s tits in this house. They’re always ‘popped’ out.”

Alamela, deadpan: “The sailors were all very enthusiastic about having models on their vessel.”

Leiden, after Alex’s labia-framing short-shorts got a drubbing from Jonathon: “Alex is like ‘the fashionista’ of the house, so when that happened I was just like ohhhh, she must be dying inside. It’s so funny to watch these girls suffer.”

Caris, taking Napoleon’s beauty brief seriously: “We had to get in a boob tube and have water thrown on our faces, but still act seductive and sexy. And hydrated.”

Leiden, post-shoot: “I can’t look sexy for shit! And if I do look sexy, it’s like… I’m gonna fuck you, but kill you after?”

Napoleon, bored with Alyce’s ’smelled an egg fart’ sneer: “I hate the way she thinks she’s so posh when she’s actually quite povvo.”