The totally accidental mystery of the angry critic who stormed out of a crowded Cannes screening of Two Lovers rather than "wait an hour for fucking [director] James Gray" was put to rest this afternoon at Entertainment Weekly, where critic Lisa Schwarzbaum copped to the outburst we once guessed came from Manohla Dargis. "And since I'm giving PopWatch readers a spectacular scoop, let me tell you what happened next," Schwarzbaum wrote. "I extricated myself from the angry mob at 9:30 p.m., took myself out to dinner, had a nice bowl of pasta and a glass of wine, and returned an hour later to a crowd, albeit smaller, still waiting for f—-—g James Gray. ... As they say in beer ads, read blog items responsibly!" The catch? Schwarzbaum outed herself on a blog! We're not falling for that one; we'll believe it when it's in the magazine. [EW]

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As Defamer's resident sous chef Molly McAleer will attest, the most difficult part of culling together each week's installment of Dirt Sandwich is not finding material worthy of inclusion, but rather trying to decide which parts to eliminate. This week's episode is no exception; even in a four day work week, this sammy is overflowing with juicy morsels of celebrity detritus. WATCH (!) as Billy Bush nearly drops an s-bomb when he learns about Clay Aiken's impending fatherhood. REVEL (!) in the sheer delight of knowing which celebrity in Hollywood Barack Obama looks up to. CELEBRATE (!) the wonder of TMZ's long-haired broseph when he describes Jodie Foster's erotic shopping trip as "Harsh, dude." Our thoughts exactly.

• WATCH VIDEO

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We'd spent no shortage of time around here in recent weeks lamenting John Cusack's one-two professional plunge of box-office allergic Grace is Gone and critic-allergic War, Inc. Then came last weekend, when War, Inc. nabbed the second-highest per-screen average in the country: $27,252, second only to Indiana Jones 4. Heady, eye-opening stuff, to be sure — but not quite as eye-opening as when Cusack actually phoned us an hour ago to talk about it.

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While the summer time is traditionally even more barren for awards shows than Jennifer Aniston's lonely, lonely womb, we can always count on the MTV Movie Awards to satiate our seasonal cravings for celebrity carpet walking. What this award show lacks in prestige, it usually makes up for in star power. After all, what star with a summer movie to plug would turn down a virtually risk-free opportunity to accept an award for "Best Same-Sex Tongue Kiss" while reminding millions of viewers to remind them of their film's release date? This year's awards, hosted by Mike "The Love Guru Opens June 20th!" Myers, will feature appearances from Adam Sandler (who is receiving the coveted "Best Actor With A Movie Opening Next Week" award), Will Ferrell, Sarah Jessica Parker, Ed Norton, Liv Tyler, Robert Downey Jr., Mark Wahlberg and more. While the show will have a tough time eclipsing the bar that Sarah Silverman set last year (her teardown of famewhore Paris Hilton elicited universal acclaim from everyone but Paris herself), we here at Defamer will be doing our best to puncture the cloak of celebrity using the best tool we have available — a liveblog! Yes, that's right, we'll be coming to you live from the red carpet — we don't have any clue how we got on the list, either — of Universal Studios beginning at or around 3pm PST on Sunday afternoon and going straight on through until whenever the show ends. We hope you'll join us, it ought to be exciting. [MTV Movie Awards]

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There exists perhaps no more potent symbol of 1980s ratings powerhouse The Cosby Show than its star Bill Cosby's signature sweaters. Like the enchanted product of some magical mystery loom, no two inches of any garment was alike. If a plot involving Theo Huxtable's underachieving academics failed to capture your imagination, you could easily have gotten lost instead inside their woven psychedelia: One moment, you were picturing the vomited-up remains of an Uno deck; the next, you imagined an aerial tributary map as interpreted by a colorblind kindergartener. Now, thanks to a charitable eBay auction, some of these surrealist fashion masterworks are being made available for purchase. We guide you to the website now for a hypnotic slideshow of some of the greatest Cosby Sweater hits.

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We know we threw your worlds for a loop this morning when we relayed ET's joyous news that noted orphan-collecting pregnancy-dabbler Angelina Jolie had delivered healthy twin girls, then cruelly swiped back the statement like a rattle from an abandoned French toddler. We've been patiently awaiting ET Online's retraction, but instead have gotten nothing but the above meltdown message for the past couple hours. Could their faulty reporting have caused a massive, Paramount Tabloid Syndicate grid failure? Or are they just closing shop until the intern instructed to, "Get me a fucking picture of those twins, I don't care if you have to set up a step-ladder and climb into Angelina's birthing canal!" returns with the smoking goods in hand? Developing. [ET Online]

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Even Roger Ebert, that paragon of fair-minded, populist film criticism, admitted from the outset of his recent Sex and the City review that he is "not the person to review this movie" — that his knowledge of the television show lent a certain preexisting distaste for the characters and "their bubble-brained conversations." But! Being the professional that he is, Ebert found intellectual redemption where he could:

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In honour of today's opening of Sex and the Movie—yet another beloved franchise sure to be ruined by the unseen hand of ghostproducer George Lucas, who'll insist the fabulous four be beamed into the heavens to spread their shoe-shopping, man-bagging secrets among higher life-forms—we thought we'd round-up all the mean Sex stuff we could find floating around the web:
· A Defamer reader hoping to secure tickets online was taken aback by the mean Fandango rollover-bot, who took it upon itself to warn audiences that seeing the familiar quartet four years later and on a giant movie screen might prove to be a traumatic experience. [Fandango]
· Yes, we're pretty sure Rex Reed's review is the meanest thing we've ever read, particularly the part where he expresses a hope that the "moths in [Sarah Jessica] Parker's stupid hat get butterfly AIDS and die." (Note: He didn't actually say that, but it's still unbelievably mean.) [NY Observer]

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· Variety reports: "DreamWorks has fashioned a first-look deal for 'Sex and the City' writer-director-producer Michael Patrick King. The deal gives the studio first-look at King's next film project." Is that how those work? We always thought it just meant he gets to keep whichever outfit he wears out of the Barneys dressing room first. [Variety]
· Jon Cryer, William H. Macy, Leslie Mann and James Spader will star in Robert Rodriguez's family comedy Shorts, about a suburb thrown into chaos when an 11-year-old boy is "hit in the head with a rainbow-coloured rock that grants wishes to anyone who holds it." [Variety]
· How I Met Your Mother showrunner Greg Malins signed a two-year, mid-sevens deal with Fox, the direct result of Malins having been hit in the head with a rainbow-coloured rock that grants wishes to anyone who holds it. [Variety]
· British TV buyers left L.A. without committing to anything, noting, "Blimey! They've repackaged all the programmes we already got on the telly! Life On Mars? Bollocks." [Variety]
· Donnie Darko SequelWatch: Shut The Fuck Up and Dance host Elizabeth Berkley has signed on to play a "speed freak-turned-Jesus freak" in the blaspheming second chapter of the beloved cult classic, sure to bring down a rain of passenger jet engines upon the homes of all involved. [THR]

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Either Jon Voight dined alone before attending this week's Dirty Harry DVD re-release event, or his date hates him. We can think of no other explanation for the unfortunate tooth-bound leftovers caught by paparazzi outside the theatre, whose reckless pursuit of tabloid infamy has nothing on the ever-elusive "Incisor Salad" shot — a celebrity catch ranking somewhere between "drunken mug shot" and "B-list baby" (e.g. spawn of Alba, Richards, Richie, etc.). We salute the classy shutterbug who nabbed the close-up you'll find after the jump; moreover, besides the live plant jutting from his grill, we have got admit Voight is looking terrific these days.

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If you were wondering just how ugly things had gotten between shawty-fêting hip-hop superstar 50 Cent and his ex-babymomma Shaniqua Tompkins, we refer you to this eyewitness video of the pair verbally sparring on the streets of New York yesterday, surrounded by a small crowd of celebrity-domestic-squabble afficionados. At the centre of the dispute: the couple's once-shared Long Island home, where Tompkins lives with 50's 10-year-old son. (He wants her to pay rent and sued to evict her. She fired back with a countersuit claiming the house was a gift.) At 5 a.m., the house was ablaze—a conveniently timed turn of events that instantly aroused suspicion from local fire-safety authorities:

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As if Harvey Korman's passing wasn't enough cosmic, clipworthy grief for Mel Brooks devotees, today comes word that the filmmaker's 30-year-old production shingle Brooksfilms is closing its doors. It's not quite the loss it sounds like at first blush — the company hadn't released a film since 1995 — but as symbolic deaths in the family go, this one smarts. Brooks founded the shingle in 1978 to avoid potential genre confusion over The Elephant Man and other dramas he would produce throughout the '80s; Brooksfilms also yielded his last great comedy, History of the World, Part I, before tapering off with the likes of Robin Hood: Men in Tights and Dracula: Dead and Loving It. Then came Broadway, and Brooks never looked back. That doesn't mean we won't, though; join our reminiscing with the accompanying greatest hits (sorry, no Solarbabies here!), and Netflix accordingly. [NYP, video by Molly McAleer]

No sooner had we endured the traffic overload at the Petit Trésor website long enough to order a pair of custom-bedazzled Isla and Amelie onesies for the proud parents, came shocking news over the Biological MaternityWatch transom suggesting the Chosen Twins were in fact still resting comfortably inside their mother. People.com debunks:

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If you've ever wondered how far below the poverty line Tara Reid is living these days or what kind of child support Alec Baldwin doles out to Kim Basinger, there is a guy in Cincinnati named John Snyder who is living your dream right now. Illegally, of course, and maybe under threat of prison time, but still: Snyder, an IRS tax examiner, is accused of viewing the confidential records of 197 celebrities over the last five years, including Kevin Bacon, Sally Field, Vanna White, John Cleese, Portia De Rossi, Randy Quaid and even "the late Eddie Albert of the classic sitcom Green Acres." Eddie Albert! Has this man no shame? Maybe not, but you can bet he has a lawyer:

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Last night's Lost season finale—spoilers ahead—was as gripping as TV comes. (Even if you're like us and stopped watching regularly somewhere around Season Two, thus forcing you to concoct your own cockamamie plotlines. We've now settled on the island being a secret Revlon animal-testing facility from which no one escapes alive.) No sooner had we recovered from the hapless bunny accidentally sent back to King Arthur's Court, when googly-eyed island bully Ben dislodged the Land-Mass-Disappearing Frozen Donkey Wheel of Doom.

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Welcome back to another round of Defamer Attractions, our weekly guide to picks, prognostications and perversions landing at a cinema near you. Much like last week, one new release has hijacked America's consciousness with hormonal aplomb, while Liv Tyler and her coterie of bagheaded stalkers look on from outside. We have only positive things to say about Julianne Moore's lurid dabblings in incest, and a glance at new DVD's reveals at least a few reassuring titles for the shut-ins among us. As always, our opinions are our own, but they're also just about bulletproof — finally, something we all can agree on!

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Big news! The first Morse code beeps heralding the arrival of two more biologically achieved additions to the Jolie-Pitt clan have landed in our Google Telegraph inbox. The joyous development comes almost two years to the day that the couple's first amorphous Chosen Blob was ushered into this world by a coterie of Namibian midwives. By contrast, genetically flawless Jolie-Pitt White Children Numbers 2 through 3 (names pending) were delivered in France, with all the First-World-medical-facility pampering that implies. More details as they come, including the all-important How Jennifer is Handling the News report, and whether or not it involves any huffily dispatched text messages demanding to know, "So r u in or out?? My body is a ticking biologicl wonderlnd!!"

UPDATE #1: We have names. "ISLA (pronounced eye-la) MARCHELINE (after Angie's mum) and AMELIE JANE (after Brad's mum) JOLIE-PITT."
UPDATE #2: ET's report is wrong, says People!

• Angelina has her twins! [ETonline.com]