Never have I wished I was back in Sydney more than when I received an email informing me of the gigantic celebration for the birth of Minogue The Elder being thrown by SameSame.com.au and STONEWALL.

SameSame.com.au is throwing a big birthday party for her in Sydney called Minogue Mansion tonight - there's three levels of Kylie goodness, including Kylieoke (Kylie karaoke), The K-Hole (Kylie remixes all night long) and celebrity DJs including Nikki Webster, 2DayFM's Geoff Field and Courtney Act playing their fave Kylie songs. It's going to be a full-on Kyliefest.

Kids, that's a good time by anyone's standards. Nikki Webster! Dance with your handbag and impress her! Sing along to your Kylie favourites! I've been listening to Wouldn't Change A Thing on repeat as a tribute to Kylie and her forty years of fabulous life, but I'd much rather be listening to it with a glass of champagne in my hand, one arm around Nikki Webster and the other around the fabulous Courtney Act.

· As anyone who has ever done it will attest, there are few feelings more liberating than quitting one's job. The following video is of an assistant on the Ellen show who found himself teetering on the brink of sanity until he up and quit his job on May 20. He describes the decision on his blog as being "an exciting stupid move to prove to myself that I need to keep moving toward my dreams... Every time I've made a major move to pursue my dreams I have lost something (2 girlfriends both 3year relationships) but I've gotten a step closer. This time around I don't know what I have to lose... as I look at it right now I have nothing to lose, and those seem to be pretty good odds. If I never do anything, don't ever say that I didn't try." Good luck making your Hollywood dreams come true, Delbert. [Delbert Shoopman]
· Finally, a device for those of you who prefer your exercises in misogyny to sound crisp and lifelike! [Videogum]
· A few months ago, we told about the disastrous first screening for Will Ferrell's Step Brothers. Our operative described it as being "less entertaining than Two And A Half Men." From the looks of this preposterous red-band trailer, that description might end up actually being a compliment. [/Film]
· While we're having a hard time fathoming why on earth Kill Bill billboards are still up in New Zealand, the simple fact of the matter is that this is our third favourite billboard of all-time (behind Angelyne and Vincent Gallo's Brown Bunny blowjob). [Copyranter]

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Who doesn't adore blind items? True, many are snoozy ("Which unmarried local newscaster is totally making out with his assistant!?!"), but when the sneaky item involves "rotund actresses," "cocaine-fuelled romps," and name-calling on the level of "this beast," we are all over it. In today's NY Daily News, those lovable married gossips Rush & Molloy serve up one of the juiciest Just Askings we've seen in some time:

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He can rap! He can act! He can produce (music AND plays)! He's the dapperest of gentlemen ever to be accused of assault, bribery, shootings, sweatshop labour, a fatal stampede and making coats out of dogs! And now Diddy has a new occupation: screenwriter. According to the always reliable entertainment news service WENN, Diddy was "so inspired" by this year's Cannes Film Festival that he decided to venture into feature writing. But wasn't the festival like two days ago, you ask? Yes, yes it was. Apparently, Mr. Puffycombs wastes no time making his brand new dreams come true.

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For quite some time now, Kirsten Dunst has been just as well known for her rumoured drug and alcohol issues as she has been for her film career (Wimbledon, anyone?). But after years of media accusations about her alleged issues with substance abuse, Dunst confided to E! chatterbox Marc Malkin that her trip to rehab a few months ago had nothing to do with booze or blow and everything to do with suffering from depression.

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As Channel Nine [insert 'what a shit year they're having over at Channel Nine, eh?' style anecdote here], their latest woes involve struggling in the ratings battle for Friday night supremacy.

It seems the brains at Nine HQ have put their heads together and decided that the best thing to do to topple Seven's hold on the ratings is to thaw out Eddie McGuire from his cryo-sleep capsule in the mountain lair, and have him cast Level 400 Ultimate Ratings Storm over those puny druids at Channel Seven.

Or something like that.

McGuire, noticeably absent from our screens in 2008, will be back on air from June 6 as host of his game show 1 v 100.

The move has been prompted by Nine's mauling at the hands of Seven's Better Homes and Gardens and AFL coverage.

While Nine in Sydney runs a rugby league double-header from 7.30pm on Fridays, the network has failed miserably in Melbourne with Commercial Breakdown, Just for Laughs and movies.

Last Friday, the Johanna Griggs-hosted Better Homes and Gardens boasted 434,000 viewers in Melbourne.

But Commercial Breakdown managed 223,000 and Just for Laughs 163,000. Friday movie Sweet November pulled in just 151,000 viewers.

Well, were they really surprised? "She's dying of a terminal illness" weepies starring pre-Monster Charlize Theron and Keanu "Whoa" Reeves went out of favour with the viewing public before they even made the film; which genius decided that was appropriate Friday night viewing?

Tuesday at 1.30pm viewing, more like! At this rate they'll be showing Jonathan: The Boy Nobody Wanted at 7.30pm on a Sunday next! Go team Nine!

"Adventure tourism" is a concept that I never really 'got', to be honest; if I'm going to have a holiday, chances are I'd rather spend it vegetating than risking death in a small sardine tin while being pelted down a waterfall in the middle of tornado season (or whatever).

However, when it comes to travel writing about adventure tourism, I appreciate the need to create a sense of danger, excitement, and living on the edge, maaan. Perhaps that's what happened to SMH blogger Sam De Brito when he went on a shark dive - in a tank.

Recently, I had the opportunity to swim with the man-eaters at Mooloolaba's Underwater World and it ranks as one of the most surreal, challenging half hours of my life.

If you've ever been paddling or surfing in the ocean and spotted a nearby shark, you'll know it's about as chilling a feeling as you can experience; every fibre of your being screams "GET OUT OF THE WATER, NOW!"

To voluntarily induce this meeting of man and fish thus runs counter to millions of years of evolution. Much like skydiving or driving very fast, your body knows you shouldn't be doing it and to cope, coughs out primal chemicals which provide that rush adrenaline junkies hunt for.

Sinking into the busy blue of the Underwater World aquarium and seeing an eight foot shark cruising towards me put a lot of things in perspective. Whatever stresses and concerns I had prior to entering the water disappeared the moment I looked into the completely remorseless eye of a sand bar whaler.

Sounds scary and edgy, right? What a chill he must have experienced when he looked into that "remorseless eye" of that "man eater".

Except for one thing: unless the sandbar shark thought Sam was a mollusc, it actually probably would've been pretty remorseful after all.

Underwater World's own PR describes the dive experience as featuring "large but docile grey nurse sharks, sandbar whaler sharks, wobbegongs and bamboo sharks", while according to the clearly learned people at the International Shark Attack Files, sandbar sharks have been responsible for "a total of 7 recorded attacks since 1580 with no deaths". Now, I'm no mathematician, but 7 attacks in the last 428 years sounds like pretty wide odds to me.

But then again, "I had the opportunity to swim with the bottom-dwelling-fish-eaters" doesn't really cut it in the adventure travel writing stakes, does it?

To our readers on the East Coast with a cash surplus, a self-esteem deficit and/or the impulse to sacrifice your Tuesday for a movie you can see on Friday for much, much less, a round-up of available Sex and the City premiere-pass deals just appeared online this afternoon. Don't hesitate to get in on the fun while Craigslist buyers and sellers trade souls (and, more than likely, at least one sexual favour) as we speak.

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We told you some time ago about the anonymous "novel" that had Channel Nine quaking in its collective Windsor Smiths, Boned; well, it's finally on the shelves, and given its uncanny similarities to the career paths (and ends) of many female newsreaders, our friends at the Daily Telegraph have had the foresight to get a female newsreader to review it.

Enter stage left, Tracey Spicer! Cue not-so-hilarious gags from the Tele subs to the tune of "Tracey Spicer gets boned"!

Fortunately, Tracey's review of the book is actually quite hilarious and biting:

What 40-something television presenter devours coffee, cigarettes and Red Bull for breakfast? More like an egg white omelette, herbal-tea- for-my-complexion then Botox for brunch.

Somehow she manages to have a "generous curve of the hips" AND a "pilates-honed butt", the result, no doubt, of some bizarre genetic engineering involving Jennifer Lopez and Madonna.

Apparently, women viewers find Kate "intimidating" because she is single and childless. So I guess there's no hope for Sandra Sully, Tracy Grimshaw and Liz Hayes, all single, childless and hugely popular.

And what self-respecting, hard-hitting current affairs presenter reads the horoscope? "Oh, I think we should do a story this week on Hezbollah launching an offensive on Israel because Jupiter is in Sagittarius."

Tracey! Who knew she entertained Dorothy Parker-esque critical aspirations? Then again, I guess there's only so much snark that can be fit into her magazine, Out And About With Kids.

As for Boned, I'll either a) read it half-heartedly next time I'm killing an hour at the airport, or b) wait (probably not for a very long time) until it hits the $4.99 book sales.

There was a veritable smorgasbord of Amy Winehouse material to work with today - from confused university students asked to write essays comparing Shakespeare to Winegums, to Amy's hot new skin condition - but I think there's one clear winner: is Amy wearing nappies?

Germany's Bild raised the alarm, and in a doubly grand story opportunity, we get to make the laughs with the internet's favourite translation device, Babelfish. Here's what the Deutsch say about Winegums' latest scandal:

That Amy Winehouse dresses unusual, are we used - however do them have to carry now also still for diapers?

When the singer wanted to visit its husband Blake falling the civil in the prison on Monday, she granted strange views under her flower dress. To the appearance came something, which looked suspicious like a diaper. A cloth, an opened Body, which hangs there only for a Stofffetzen between Amys legs...?

Is safe: Amy Winehouse was refused the admission to the prison. Accordingly frustrated the pop star returned home - and became palpable. As the British newspaper reports „telegraph ", Winehouse is to have taken the camera from a photographer away and push it. Ts ts ts...

Then ging's fast home - probably to diapers change...

Putting aside the obvious hilarity here ("the ging", "an opened body", "strange views under her flower dress"...), the photos are fairly worrying.

If it isn't a nappy, then it's the world's largest pad with wings. Apparently the whole 'ultra thin' thing hasn't translated to the UK feminine products industry yet.

In the next issue of Harper's Bazaar, George Clooney's sand-loving girlfriend Sarah Larson gets the profile treatment. What follows is a list of things we learned by reading it:
· Sarah Larson was once on Fear Factor, where her crowning achievement was "eating" a scorpion. (When, in fact, she put it in her mouth then spit it into a bucket, which one can only assume is how she eats all her food.)

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There's nothing better than returning from a long weekend to discover not one but two incredibly positive stories about Britney Spears. Not only has the singer finally managed to make a public appearance looking downright hot, but she's also begun dating a very eligible, scandal-free bachelor — William Morris agent Jason Trawick. As you may recall, Trawick was the mystery man splashing around Mel Gibson's Costa Rica retreat with Britney last week, and reportedly has been looking after Britney ever since the beginning of her American Tragedy downfall. As a source tells OK!, "Britney totally trusts him and she has very deep feelings for him. It's now got to the point where Britney wants to be with him full time." And after seeing these pictures of the pair, who went public at an Ed Hardy party over the weekend, we can't help but notice a very sober-looking Britney appearing genuinely happy for the first time in...ever:

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Are you related to someone famous who doesn't really speak to you anymore? Do you have a dreadfully boring home life and children you constantly ignore? Have you collected an obscene number of pets, which constantly crap all over your house? Then you should call E! because that's exactly what they're into nowadays. On a day meant to honour the heroes who have protected our country, last night's series premieres of Denise Richards: It's Complicated and Living Lohan showed just how little there is left to protect.

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In case you hadn't heard, the most titillating story to come out of Cannes this year had nothing to do with film and everything to do with DJ/DUI heroine Sam Ronson allegedly playing tongue twister with her roomie and long-term girlfriend Lindsay Lohan. But after seeing the so-called scandalous pictures in question, we have yet to see this "liplock". We've given many a girlfriend a tipsy hug in our time and, well, that just does not a lesbian make. Not that our opinion matters — Michael Lohan's does! The wig-fetishizing Born Again has turned up to set the record straight once and for all: "[Their] relationship 'is evident to anyone with half a brain...[Lindsay] is a big girl, and she can make her own life choices. Then it is between her and God.'" Sure, Michael isn't the most reliable source to confirm that these two are in fact dating, but on the eve of the infamous photos of Lindsay passed out in the front seat of Sam's car, we attempt to analyse their often romantic, often turbulent relationship over the years.

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When Sharon Stone wasn't joking about Sean Combs's crack budget last week at the Cannes Film Festival's high-powered amFar benefit, she took a few minutes on the red carpet to play amateur seismologist for the international press. That went about as well as you'd expect when, only seconds into discussing the humanitarian crisis facing China after the May 12 earthquake that killed more than 67,000 people, Stone attributed the tragedy to... karma?

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