Oh my lord. It's been a while since we checked in on the goings on at Dreamworld, and for good reason. Firstly, even a trash addict like me is finding it difficult to pretend to be gripped by Big Brother this year, and secondly, apparently they're doing revolting things to each other and I am far too highbrow for such stuff. Kinda.

A claim by Big Brother evictee Rebecca about the filthy actions of another housemate has sparked an investigation by Channel Ten into goings on within the compound.

Rebecca claimed during an interview with the Daily Telegraph that fellow housemate Dixie routinely wiped herself "downstairs" then touched people's faces and food.

The incident was reported as the filthiest thing to happen in the house since the infamous 'turkey slap' where two male housemates were involved in rubbing genitals on a female housemate's face.

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

Network Ten was concerned about the claims and ordered Big Brother producers to scour all footage of Dixie in the house since the start of the show.

Six people were tasked with looking at footage gathered from 37 cameras and audio from 97 microphones.

Let us take a moment out from our busy schedule and quietly pray for the poor six employees forced to monitor Dixie's vagina/finger action. No paycheck could be big enough for them to be saying to themselves "Wow, I am certainly satisfied with the career choices which led to this moment in my life". Brothers and sisters, I feel for you.

At least your tireless investigation led to some comforting results.

"Dixie's 'hands down her pants incident' that Rebecca refers to did not happen in the way Rebecca portrays," says a Network Ten spokesperson.

"We've reviewed the footage extensively and while Dixie jokes about the act with fellow housemates, at no time does she actually carry it out.

Oh good. That's something, then.

(Via MsCynic)

The ongoing drama surrounding Jodie Foster's split with longtime lover Cydney Bernard has the tabloids thoroughly devastated. They only recently got confirmation the two were a proper Sapphic item - and now their blessed union has been torn asunder? Tragedy!

The Daily Mail has published a lengthy piece titled "They were Hollywood's gay golden couple, so why has Jodie Foster left her lover of 15 years?", with journalist Alison Boshoff attempting to get to the bottom of the shocking turn of events which led Oscar winning actress Jodie Foster straight into the arms of spunky thirty-something writer Cynthia Mort.

The opening paragraph made me laugh a little, I must admit.

As the news spread, the words "mid-life crisis" were heard being whispered over expensively whipped hot drinks and wholemeal muffins in fashionable coffee shops across Hollywood; it certainly left the entire lesbian community of Los Angeles thoroughly agog.

What have we learned from the above?

The entire "lesbian community" -

a) gives a shit about Jodie Foster's love life (perhaps, much like how women who live together often find their monthly visit from the painters becoming synchronised, members of Club Muff - your card and badge comes with your first copy of Ani DiFranco's Living In Clip record, I believe - eventually become emotionally entwined with all other local lesbians, meaning that even one break up in the tribe devastates every lady-lover within a 200km radius)

b) will only sup on "expensively whipped hot drinks" and nibble on "wholemeal muffins". Why not mention the Birkenstocks they're all wearing, Alison? Are they playing with their crewcuts? Flicking through Riot Grrl Monthly in a feeble attempt to distract themselves from the devastating soul-blow the Foster/Bernard break up has caused them?

Also -

And while Jodie's old love Cydney was a slightly frumpy older woman, a weather-beaten blonde who had been content to ditch her career for the past 11 years to devote herself to Jodie and their boys, in her new lover Jodie has chosen a media- savvy powerhouse.

Her youthful Mediterranean looks (strong brows, dark hair as shiny as a conker) are the precise opposite of Cydney's wholesomeness.

I think the last time I read something along the lines of "dark hair as shiny as a conker", it was in Black Beauty, and someone was describing a horse for sale.

Bravo, Daily Mail! A billion points! I MOCK YOU BUT I WILL NEVER STOP READING YOU, YOU TRASHY SHAMELESS BEASTS! HIRE ME! I WILL MOVE TO LONDON!

*Well, you know... amongst other things. Ahem. I'll get my coat.

Today's YouTube Clip Of The Day was sent in by the lovely Tom, who writes "Weezer's new video is so meta it may in fact cause a tear in teh youtube/time continuum". He's not wrong. So many YouTube stars, so little time!

I adore the fact Weezer have never really updated their sound. Own it, Rivers! LOVE YOU, MY LITTLE MISUNDERSTOOD MOUSTACHED SPUNK!

Sydney Pollack, the director, producer and actor whose 1985 drama Out of Africa earned him that year's Best Picture and Director Oscars, died today at his home in Pacific Palisades. He was 73. He had suffered from cancer for more than a year, completing his final film — the documentary Sketches of Frank Gehry — in 2005. Pollack worked at the helm of benchmarks in three decades including They Shoot Horses, Don't They? (for which he earned his first Oscar nomination), The Way We Were, Three Days of the Condor and Tootsie. He found his most significant acclaim after directing Meryl Streep and Robert Redford in Out of Africa, going on to work with Tom Cruise (The Firm), Harrison Ford (Sabrina, Random Hearts) and Nicole Kidman (The Interpreter) in the years that followed.

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There's something quite poignant about the sort of last-gasp press tidbits that emerge about reality/talent show winners before their inevitable slide into obscurity; today's Confidential piece about So You Think You Can Dance Australia winner and Defamer Australia Associate Editor pin-up Jack Chambers is a perfect example of this artform.

What's be been up to? Dunno! What's he about to do? Go on a glorified holiday disguised as a prize that will help his career!

While he is committed to performing in the Australian SYTYCD tour until August, Chambers will then head to LA to perform for star American choreographer Mia Michaels before taking a bite out of the Big Apple.

"I'm going to see a Broadway show and then hopefully stay and get a feel for what it's like," Chambers told Confidential.

Oh Jack, bless your cotton socks. Do you think he realises how many other starry-eyed hopefuls are outstaying their tourist visas to "get a feel" for the Great White Way?

Jack, if you're reading Defamer Australia in the Qantas lounge before your flight, hop over the jump; I've prepared some educational videos for your benefit.

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If the news Nikki Webster's dance studio is offering punters the chance to learn how to shimmy whilst clutching a handbag and teetering about in heels doesn't tickle you as much as it did me, then I declare you have no soul.

From the press release!

Nobody will leave baby in the corner once she has attended the latest sensation taking place every Friday at the Dance @ Nikki Webster performing arts studio. Juggling handbags, heels and cocktails on the dance floor was challenging until Handbags and Heels dance classes emerged. Director Nikki Webster introduced the classes to teach women how to feel comfortable and confident when they dance with their handbags, instead of placing them perilously on the ground. "I would often see women around me struggling to move fluidly and thought it would be a great idea to demonstrate easy to follow dance movements with a handbag" says Webster.

Thank you, Nikki, for daring to tackle one of society's biggest problems!

Students are required to be over the age of 18 and bring the heels and handbag they would wear on a night out dancing. Dance @ Nikki Webster provides a glass of champagne on arrival and plays current music to recreate a nightclub environment. "The classes are a fun way to spend a late afternoon with friends and are becoming increasingly popular with hens nights" says Webster. Transport can be arranged on completion of the class to the Sydney CBD especially for those wanting to put their newly learnt moves into action.

Personally, I cannot think of a better way to kick start a Friday night out with the girls. A little shaking of groove thangs, a glass or two of champagne until one feels suitably giggly and festive, and then a booze bus transporting you to a horrible club in the CBD where you can attempt to pick up a half-sozzled accountant who is in the mood for love after hitting the piss at work drinks!

If you ask me, this is the best bit of the entire statement.

Dance @ Nikki Webster opened on May 3, 2008 and is Australia's premier performing arts school founded by Nikki Webster and her older brother Scott.

The punctuation - or lack of it - says it all. Dance @ Nikki Webster* is Australia's premier performing art school founded by Nikki Webster and her older brother Scott. Sure, it's the only performing arts school founded by Nikki Webster and her older brother Scott, but it is also the best.

*Does this not sound like a threatening thing to do - dancing at her in a menacing way, maybe frightening poor Nikki with your murderous version of the Macarena?

It's probably safe to say that when your celebreality franchise is on the blink and the person you look to as your ratings saviour is Tara Reid, to borrow a phrase from Tilda Swinton's Angel Gabriel in Constantine, you're fucked.

Because that seems to be precisely what Dancing With The Stars is looking into, now that Daryl Somers has drifted off, chasing the great microphone in the sky, and the series is not feeling as fresh or edgy as it once did, mainly because, well, they're running out of "stars" to dance with.

Hoping to amp up interest in the tried and tested formula, production company Freehand are keen to snare an international name to compete on the show after taking over producing rights from Granada.

But following rejections from sizzling UK chef Gordon Ramsay and US style guru Carson Kressley, the calibre of potential celebrity contestants is dropping faster than former host Daryl Somers's overnight exit from the show last year.

Freehand has been sounding out managers ahead of compiling a list of stars interested in dancing, with desperate C-lister Tara Reid the latest name to be asked to slip into the sequins.

More body-for-hire than on fire, the surgically enhanced blonde accepted as little as $3500 to turn up to parties while visiting Australia to host the tastefully named Hookers costume ball earlier this year.

Ooh, only $3500 to turn up to a crap party! What a cheap whore! Seriously, if someone offered me $50 to come to the Hookers & Deviants Ball, or even $15 to stand outside my local 711, I'd probably take it.

I'm aware that Tara Reid is not the best example to use here, but surely the measure of talent and/or personal value in instances like this is something other than whatever celebrities get paid to appear at things? Or are we all just commodities these days?

SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!!

This year's cycle of Australia's Next Top Model is proving to be worth its weight in gold when it comes to the sort of scandals that the tabloid press eat right up, and today's kerfuffle is the pick of the bunch.

News.com.au are tagging this lead/spoiler story about tonight's episode, focusing on pouty Alexandra, as a "Surgery 'Tragedy'". Now, what does that make you think of - a girl putting her hand through the window and slicing her tendons? Maybe one of the contestants having to be carted off for emergency hospital care, like Eboni with her pinched nerve? Maybe one of them, OMG, DIES?

Well, if you picked any of them, you'd be wrong. It seems Alexandra's "tragedy" was to have two collagen injections in her famously "tense" mouth. TRAGEDY!!

Professional photographer Juli Balla, who appears in the episode, was shocked someone so young and beautiful felt the pressure to resort to cosmetic surgery at such a young age.

"It's a tragedy what she has done," Balla said. "Obviously Alex is not confident in who she is, which is not a good sign at the start of your modelling career."

Evidently Priscilla Leighton Clarke was also unimpressed, which is a big umm-ahhh for Alex considering no matter who ends up in the final two, Priscilla's the one whose agency has to be prepared to represent for them.

I do feel sorry for Alex; she's certainly been the victim of the editing suite from episode one onwards, and I'm starting to think - along with much of the Vogue Forums - that she's actually quite smart and nice, and just doesn't want to play dumbarse like half the rest of the contestants.

But - unless something is revealed in Ep 6 (which I've not yet viewed) - why do they always see cosmetic surgery as being some sort of indicator of low self-esteem or self confidence in these instances? Yes, they can lead to excessive cosmetic tinkering, but did they consider the fact that maybe she just wanted to get collagen? You know, because she's an adult and can do what she wants with her life and body?

In the criminal justice system, Newton-family-based offenses, particularly those involving bag-snatching and priceless family memories, are considered especially heinous. In Chadstone, The Fashion Capital, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad, known as the Patti Newton vigilante taskforce. These are their stories.

DUNG DUNG!!

Two people will face a Melbourne court today charged with the theft of valuable jewellery belonging to entertainer Patti Newton.

...

Benjamin Thorpe, 32, and Rachel Ward, 34, both of Hampton East, have been charged with theft and possessing the proceeds of crime.

They were remanded to appear in Melbourne Magistrates Court today.

Just goes to show, when you're Australian entertainment industry royalty and you can throw a Police press conference and get it shown on every news bulletin in the state, you're probably likely to enjoy a higher success rate than those of us whose bags get nicked without being touched by the hand of God, i.e., Bert.