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The Un-Upfronts
Posted by Seth at 11:32 AM on May 17, 2008
· Upfront Week had something to underwhelm everyone: ABC's travelling game shows. FOX's mysterious smoke-ring people. CBS's contribution to the fat dad/hot wife sitcom genre, The CW's 90210. Who did we leave out? Oh yeah. Him.
· Defamer offers you a front row seat to us covering Cannes coverage in our underwear!
· Yo, Speed Racer: Eat Iron Man's iron shorts! Emile Hirsch burns rubber out of UTA.
· Is the final nail in Nailed's coffin? Yes! No! Yes! We don't know! Sooobbb.
· Few karaoke survivors following Fantasia's Idol bloodbath.
· Danny Glover fondly recalls taking fistfuls of psychedelics and fucking his brains out during the Summer of Love in a new VH1 doc.
· Don't believe everything Dolly Parton tells you about Burt Reynolds and Johnny Carson's double-teaming exploits. It's studio trickery!
· Here's what we know for sure about Sex and the Movie: Carrie shoves bread in her mouth while making the biggest announcement of her life. It's too long. And Sarah Jessica Parker's hat and hands freak us the fuck out.
· Megan Fox, as naked as you're likely to see her this week.
· Lindsay Lohan: The Lesbian Rumour Years. The tears! The hickeys!
· We're ever so slightly less concerned about Jennifer Aniston's fragile state of mind. For now at least.
· Brad Pitt's new tattoo is right above his coinslot.
· Defamer rides the specialvator to an SNL taping!
· Will you be my lawfully wedded Lamas, to have and to hold, so long as the cameras are still running? I do!
· Which reminds us! When are they going to have a gay Bachelor, already? (We mean, besides seasons 3 through 7.) Jodie Foster must have sure felt a rumbling on the horizon.
· Trampy Gwynnie Tosses Frocks
· It's like Annie Hall, but with more Scarlett-on-Penelope action.
· Simply, Shia.
· Today on The View, Teri Hatcher explained that the only reason she is subjecting us to her singing is for the little children. Well the little children are all dead now, Teri. Your singing killed them. Happy? [
What would a week at Defamer HQ be without a Scientology scandal? To wit: What do you get when you cross closet case Will Smith and an old high school in Calabasas? Try the 
Apparently Justin Timberlake and Madonna's time spent collaborating in the studio was far from the 
If you are anything like us, your brain is total mush by 4pm on Friday. Fortunately, Defamer has the perfect solution to get you shipshape by bar time. That's right, wrap both of your hands around this week's Dirt Sandwich and take a giant, yummy bite. Our fearless and peerless videographer 
Looks like it's time to reopen the case of Suri Cruise and the 
Pity the poor, misunderstood archaeologist, chained to painstaking years of research and field work only to live in the cultural shadow of the globetrotting, Nazi-battling adventurer Indiana Jones. Not ones to miss an opportunity, though, the leaders of the Archaeological Institute of America have dovetailed with the forthcoming release of Indiana Jones 4 to 
· "George Clooney to 'Stare at Goats.'" You know what, George? That sounds like a 
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Once again, the troubled blonde union between Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson has 
It's been two surprisingly brisk years since M. Night Shyamalan unleashed his last utterly unwatchable labour of love upon us. That would be Lady in the Water—a project Disney would successfully argue was legitimate grounds for divorce, and that would ultimately go on to teach Warner Bros. a valuable lesson about never making movies about swimming pool mermaids hunted by weredogs with grass fur, regardless of how compelling the pitch sounded in the room. During that time, the highly self-regarded auteur and sometimes-actor has been toiling on yet another secretive project: The Happening.
Back in March, we heard Malibu's own Ken and Barbie, Mel Gibson and Britney Spears, were aligning their 
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