Saturday, May 17, 2008
The Un-Upfronts
11:32AM Seth | Upfront Week had something to underwhelm everyone: ABC’s travelling game shows. FOX’s mysterious smoke-ring people. CBS’s contribution to the fat dad/hot wife sitcom genre, The CW’s 90210. Who did we leave out? Oh yeah. Him. Defamer offers you a front row seat to us covering Cannes coverage in our underwear! Yo, Speed Racer: Eat Iron Man’s iron shorts! Emile Hirsch burns rubber out of UTA. Is the final nail in Nailed’s coffin? Yes! No! Yes! We don’t know! Sooobbb. Few karaoke survivors following Fantasia’s Idol bloodbath. Danny Glover fondly recalls taking fistfuls of psychedelics and fucking his brains out during the Summer of Love in a new VH1 doc. Don’t believe everything Dolly Parton tells you about Burt Reynolds and Johnny Carson’s double-teaming exploits. It’s studio trickery! Here’s what we know for sure about Sex and the Movie: Carrie shoves bread in her mouth while making the biggest announcement of her life. It’s too long. And Sarah Jessica Parker’s hat and hands freak us the fuck out. Megan Fox, as naked as you’re likely to see her this week. Lindsay Lohan: The Lesbian Rumour Years. The tears! The hickeys! We’re ever so slightly less concerned about Jennifer Aniston’s fragile state of mind. For now at least. Brad Pitt’s new tattoo is right above his coinslot. Defamer rides the specialvator to an SNL taping! Will you be my lawfully wedded Lamas, to have and to hold, so long as the cameras are still running? I do! Which reminds us! When are they going to have a gay Bachelor, already? (We mean, besides seasons 3 through 7.) Jodie Foster must have sure felt a rumbling on the horizon. Trampy Gwynnie Tosses Frocks It’s like Annie Hall, but with more Scarlett-on-Penelope action. Simply, Shia.
Teri Hatcher: Ear Rapist
11:01AM Seth | Today on The View, Teri Hatcher explained that the only reason she is subjecting us to her singing is for the little children. Well the little children are all dead now, Teri. Your singing killed them. Happy? [The View] Homeless no longer! [NY Times] Goodness, is it already time to crown another World’s Ugliest Dog? It is! But how to choose? They’re all so ugly! Oops, Pee Wee Martini just made us puke on our keyboards. We have a winner. [Sonoma-Marin Fair 2008] And when you get accustomed to that end, try the other! [cartoonbrew.com via b3ta] If we could get serious for a moment, Richard Simmons is crazy for Cranergy. He will be missed. [ET Online] More »
At Will Smith Learning Academy, Nothing Can Hold Your Child Back Except Their Stupidity-Thetans
10:05AM Defamer Hollywood | What would a week at Defamer HQ be without a Scientology scandal? To wit: What do you get when you cross closet case Will Smith and an old high school in Calabasas? Try the New Village Academy, which the star reportedly underwrote this week with an $890,000, three-year lease of the former Indian Hills High School and a curriculum comprising a little bit of everything — Montessori here, constructivism there, and a liberal dollop of something called “study technology” developed by none other than education pioneer “L.R. Hubbard.” More »
Justin Timberlake Thinks ‘Madge Or Whatever She Calls Herself’ Isn’t Nearly As Hip As He Is
9:45AM Molly Friedman | Apparently Justin Timberlake and Madonna’s time spent collaborating in the studio was far from the sexy joy ride in needle park we originally envisioned. As Timberlake tells the altar-bound Ellen in this clip, the pair actually spent most of their time butting their beautiful heads over song lyrics. As surprised as we were to learn that either one of them actually writes their own lyrics in the first place, we were just as unsurprised by Timberlake’s continuous failed attempts to prove how funny he can be without cue cards. Sounding both desperate for a laugh and downright mean for daring to put down the vocally challenged but still iconic Madonna, we think the trouser snake should give up his comedy routine schtick for good. More »
That’s Not Frankenstein, It’s Sarah Jessica Parker!
9:25AM Mark Graham | If you are anything like us, your brain is total mush by 4pm on Friday. Fortunately, Defamer has the perfect solution to get you shipshape by bar time. That’s right, wrap both of your hands around this week’s Dirt Sandwich and take a giant, yummy bite. Our fearless and peerless videographer Molly McAleer has packed this week’s installment chock fulla tasty morsels that are guaranteed to make your mindgrapes dance. You want examples? How about Entertainment Tonight’s tantalising tease of John Mayer being held at gunpoint? Or Tori Spelling’s curious confession to Extra that she’s aiming to play a “sexy MILF” in the new 90210? If neither of those made your brain start secreting heavy doses of serotonin, we’re pretty sure Sarah Jessica Parker’s Frankenstein hands oughta do the trick. Enjoy the weekend, kids! WATCH VIDEO More »
Katie Holmes’ Attempt To Flee The Scientology Kingdom: A Tragedy In Three Parts
8:30AM Molly Friedman | Looks like it’s time to reopen the case of Suri Cruise and the Toxic Scientology Bottles. After seeing this photo of Katie Holmes and her tiny dancer, we couldn’t help but notice the presence of an actual sippy cup. Why is this news so glorious? You see, most babies tend to go from nipple to bottle to sippy cup to the wine glass you’re currently holding. But Hubbard’s Parenting Book tells Scientology mums like Holmes to rot their kids’ teeth with honey instead, a method Holmes had been following obediently. But before we could celebrate Suri’s freedom and Katie’s long-awaited rebellion against Overlord Tom and his disco-dancing minions, Cruise suddenly descended on their escape attempt clutching an asbestos-stuffed rabbit that made Suri cry. The dramatic series of events, in pictures, after the jump. More »
Just in Time For ‘Indy 4,’ Archaeologists Fight it Out Over Harrison Ford
8:00AM Defamer Hollywood | Pity the poor, misunderstood archaeologist, chained to painstaking years of research and field work only to live in the cultural shadow of the globetrotting, Nazi-battling adventurer Indiana Jones. Not ones to miss an opportunity, though, the leaders of the Archaeological Institute of America have dovetailed with the forthcoming release of Indiana Jones 4 to welcome franchise star Harrison Ford as a trustee. “The group promotes archaeological excavation, research, education and preservation worldwide,” notes an AP dispatch. “AIA President Brian Rose says Ford’s Indiana Jones character has played a major part in stimulating interest in archaeological exploration.” More »
Clooney. Goats. Do The Math.
6:28AM Seth | “George Clooney to ‘Stare at Goats.’” You know what, George? That sounds like a terrific idea. [Variety] William Morris has spearheaded a $100 million fund to produce features, which they know they should spend wisely on a number of sensible, moderately budgeted indies—but which they’ll totally blow on one blockbuster stinker about the Alien Space Rabbit Olympics! [Variety] Well, that’s the end of upfronts—a spectacular week of press releases, little get togethers at studio offices, and at least one Fox fondue party that the boys from Procter & Gamble are still buzzing about! Now it’s time for the networks to wave goodbye to all that East Coast glamour, roll up their sleeves, and deliver on all the delicious promises they’ve made! [Variety] More »
‘The Hills’ Fourth Season Teaser Omits Heidi’s Crucial Fake-Pregnancy Arc
6:08AM Molly Friedman | We thought we knew just how low The Hills‘ reigning king and queen of mean Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag would go just to garner the slightest bit of attention from the press. Given their history of stunt proposals, staged “paparazzi” shoots, and plastic surgery adventures, the evil duo has proven their weight in gold-digging PR wizardry. But their latest alleged stunt planned for the “reality show”’s upcoming season is creepy enough to inspire the next Law & Order: SVU plotline: “Rumor has it that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have decided to fake a pregnancy for the 4th season.” Sadder still? It sounds like they’ve convinced MTV producers — and the wardrobe department — to play along with the lie as old as time… More »
