· Here's your first glimpse at Jay Mohr's new CBS sitcom, Project Gary. Did that kid just say, "Tap it?" OMG! He did! LOL! [TV Week]
· People, for crying out loud, it's a picture of Curious George! It's not like he put "OBAMA in '08" underneath a picture of Chim-Chim from Speed Racer. Now that would have been racist. (And just plain mean.) [Boston Herald]
· It's the America's Next Top Model finale liveblog with the Jezebelers! But don't peek yet, 'cause they are three hours ahead. [Jezebel]
· Woody Allen: "Can I ask you what your favourite commandment is?"
Billy Graham: "Right now, it's Honour Thy Father and Thy Mother."
Woody: "Really? That's my least favourite commandment." [BoingBoing]
· Anne Heche is worth $34,840.93, says Anne Heche. [TMZ]

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We really take no pleasure in informing you that two of our idols—early tickle-machine adopter Howard Stern and top-heavy country legend Dolly Parton—are currently at war, but such is the case. To get you up to date, last week, Stern broadcast edited portions of her self-narrated audio book to form several beyond-filthy phrases. (Like, seriously: NSFW. This is the kind of stuff you imagine hearing at a 4 a.m. "Aristocrats" session around Bob Saget's jacuzzi after a night of Tuaca shots and blow. As such, it's hilarious.) Parton has had a listen, and released this statement in response:

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Despite the fact that just about everyone and their favourite blog have known that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are expecting two Chosen Ones this time around, heroin dabbler-turned-UN Ambassador Jolie had yet to officially confirm the news. And until a Today Show interview taped today in Cannes, featuring Jolie and co-star Jack Black promoting their upcoming animated flick Kung Fu Panda, we're pretty sure the very pregnant actress would have kept her lips sealed until the day those magical spawns open their cherubic eyes for the first time. But thanks to an impromptu joke made by Black, Jolie was put on the spot, and clever Today host Natalie Morales took full advantage of it...

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And now, a very important public service announcement from Defamer: Tomorrow begins the annual Tourette Syndrome Awareness Month, a period of close scrutiny SHIT FIRE ENGINE WOOOOOOOOO HONK!!! of the ravages of and treatments available for this mysterious neurological disorder affecting an APPLE PIE DOGCUNT!!! estimated 200,000 Americans. "Although coverage on the air and in print has led thousands of children and adults to proper diagnosis of the condition, many more are troubled by symptoms which remain undiagnosed," said Judit Ungar, executive director of CHICKEN CHICKEN FUCKTWAT ROHYYYYPNOLLLLL!!!! the Tourette Syndrome Association, in a statement released today. Ungar added that the primary goal of TS Awareness Month is to encourage people to seek HUMPHUMPHUMPHUMP!!!!! medical attention for potential symptoms, which include rapid eye blinking, involuntary jerking or shrugging, or, in about 15 percent of cases, the manifestation of ASSCOCK MICK JAGGER!!!! obscene phrases (coprolalia) or gestures (copropraxia). Spread the word about Tourette Syndrome this month and every month, and visit the Association's Web site for more information on how you can get involved with BABY JESUS VAGINA!!!! finding a cure. [TSA]

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When it comes to the art of stealing boyfriends, no one does it better than Lindsay Lohan. As Star reports in their current issue, the blood-sucking barer of flesh successfully seduced her former slim fast buddy Nicole Richie's fiance this weekend. And her timing is suspiciously awful, considering new mum Richie is said to be sorely missing her party girl past. As a source tells Star:

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While the Michael Hirschorn era at Vh1 will likely be best remembered for bringing pop culture talking heads (I Love The..., Best Week Ever), washed-up celebs (Surreal Life) and horny musicians (Flavor Of Love, Rock Of Love) into millions of homes, there is one program from his tenure that was just as critically acclaimed as it was popular. Back in the summer of 2006, a four-part documentary called The Drug Years aired to rave reviews — Variety called it a "fascinating insight into the growth of the counterculture and ... its eventual hangover" — and arguably became the first series in the channel's history that was equally appealing to pop culture enthusiasts and intellectuals. Now, after nearly two years worth of research and production, the same creative team that put The Drug Years together has returned with a brand new four-part doc entitled Sex: The Revolution. Defamer recently sat down with series writer Martin Torgoff and executive producer Brad Abramson to talk about the series that, as Torgoff explains, puts its focus on "how the sexual revolution fed into the dynamic of what became the Culture Wars in the United States."

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Snapped at Cannes by Cinematical, it's the only known billboard for Jim Carrey/Ewan McGregor con-on-con gay prison romance I Love You Phillip Morris. At first glance, the tasteful campaign seems to be going for something like an Anderson Cooper Christmas card. A mere ten seconds later, however, the slats on the mechanized sign rotate, revealing a far edgier tableau of a Versace-clad and spray-tanned Carrey offering horsey rides to a bethonged and delighted Rodrigo Santoro.

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We didn't think it was possible, but the insanely dateable John Krasinski is not looking so hot these days. Due to an upcoming role in the Sam Mendes-directed Farlanders, John is sporting a nasty beard that resembles something one of the Geico cavemen would wear. And while we'd never judge an actor for tossing out their razors for months for the sake of their craft, this terrible beard inspired us to take a look back at the most cringeworthy facial hair in cinematic history. From one actor's frizzy salt-and-pepper rat's nest to one mustache's journey inside another man's taint, our top five lie after the jump:

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Hello Magazine is reporting that Tom Cruise was plum out of ideas for what to get recently drifting BFF David Beckham for his birthday. So instead of a fruit basket or a lifetime supply of Tom Cruise Purple, the Hubbard-loving Clear decided to treat both Posh and Becks to a private weekend getaway at one of Cruise's favourite romantic spots in Napa Valley: his very own home!

"They wanted [Posh] and David to make use of their property [and] insisted that it should be just the two of them and that they should thoroughly spoil themselves."

But after hearing more details on just how Tom planned this so-called "private" getaway, we're worried the Beckhams are about to be abducted by a Xenuphobic SWAT team...

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Hang on a moment, that isn't Flavor Flav's favourite reality show hook up! No, it's Ms Lily Allen looking sleek, blonde, and all sunkissed during a holiday in the French Riviera. My, but isn't she a fetching little number? Bang that, etc...

When you're on the Riviera at this time of year, there are so many famous and beautiful faces around it's hard to stand out from the crowd.

But Lily Allen managed it - thanks to a shock of peroxide hair, a skimpy bikini and a sultry pose.

The 23-year-old singer revealed her new blonde look at the exclusive Hotel du Cap - Eden Roc in Antibes on Tuesday, the eve of the opening day of the Cannes Film Festival.

With the world's media watching out for A-list celebrities, Miss Allen stripped down to her bikini bottoms to sunbathe on the terrace of the hotel, where she is staying with friends.

I like that the last sentence above sounds a little as though the press are looking for real stars, but while Allen is looking so spunky, they're prepared to snap a couple of shots of her too.

To see more of Lily On Holiday, including some topless bikini shots (it's Europe, it's natural!), head over to that highbrow publication known as the Daily Mail.

My beloved faux-bro (aka brother from another mother) Dave the Scot showed me this amazing video on Tuesday night.

Dave: Can you imagine being the person who put this together? Hahahaha, how sad!

Me: I know! It's fantastic. Imagine being the kind of person who is so obsessed with something as weird and specific as the bouncing boobs of The Price Is Right contestants.

Dave: Yeah, it's hilarious.

Me: So how'd you find this?

Dave: I was telling the missus about how my favourite thing about The Price Is Right is when the chicks with big boobs run up the front...

Me: ....

Dave: And then I went to YouTube and searched 'boobs bouncing price is right'

Me: ....

Dave: And there it was! Hahahaha.

Me: I had no idea there was a market for this kind of stuff.

Don't forget, we want your "hot tips" - email us your favourite YouTube links, and earn your spot in emo heaven The Black Parade!

The CW's upfront presentation—actually a press release from network president Dawn Ostroff, upon which no expense was spared—announced that the flailing bastard network had finally "zeroed in on our target demo" (young women, 18-34), and would therefore spend the rest of their existence slavishly catering to their newly identified audience's whims and needs. Another season of Mr. and Mrs. Jay enacting their high-fashion minstrel show up and down the deck of the USS Nimitz while deployed to the Persian Gulf? You got it. A two-hour special with limited commercial interruption brought to you by Axe Body Spray, entitled, Chace Crawford: Shirtless? Coming right up. Less lucky: Aliens in America, Life is Wild, The Pussycat Dolls Present: Girlicious, and Beauty and the Geek, who were all dropped faster than an 8th grader wipes her former best friend from her myFaves after finding out she blabbed about her yeast infection to the rest of their backup-dancing class.

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It's always cute when newbie stars brush off rumours about their love lives by calling them "silly" and saying "we're just good friends!" Fresh faces like Gossip Girl's blonde bombshell Blake Lively have yet to learn that making public denials like these mean only one thing: the rumours are true. Back in January, Lively said just that regarding tabloid stories linking her to on-screen make-out partner Penn Badgley (he's the hot-but-nerdy one, a la Seth Cohen on The OC). And shockingly (!), pictures released today prove not only that Blake and Penn have been fooling around poolside - in an uncanny rendition of Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer's beachy-keen gallery last week - but that they may actually make it after all.

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As if a third-place opening wasn't bad enough for Speed Racer producer Joel Silver, Page Six today added a liberal dose of existential crisis to the mix when it reported Silver may have flopped for Warner Bros. for the last time. "For the past few months, he's been trying to get his deal extended, but the thinking at Warner is maybe just let his contract run out," its source says — but wait! Silver himself told Nikki Finke yesterday that he's sought no such extension! But his contract still isn't being renewed! We're so confused — help us, Joel!

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· TNT's upfronts at the Hammerstein Ballroom in New York announce three new original series to premiere in the coming year—Steven Bochco's Raising the Bar, Dean Devlin's Leverage and Truth in Advertising, starring Will & Grace's Eric McCormack and Ed's Tom Cavanagh. Will's totally going to get laid this time, we can feel it! [Variety]
· Michael Moore is prepping a sequel to Fahrenheit 9/11, picking up where the last one left off. This time, he's parting ways with the Weinsteins, and producing with Overture Films and Paramount Vantage—a slap in the face to Harvey, who's locked himself inside his office and has been playing with his Fraggle Rock dolls since the deal was announced. [Variety]
· My Big Fat Greek Wedding writer and star Nia Vardalos will repair with her screen husband John Corbett for anti-romantic comedy I Hate Valentine's Day.This reunion is like Sex and the Movie 2! Minus people caring! [Variety]
· American Idol is your boo: Final-three competition dominates Tuesday ratings. [THR]
· Take some solace in the fact that your Cannes hotel room is costing you $12,000 per night with the knowledge that our weak economy means more potential international sales. Yay. [THR]

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An eagle-eyed Defamer operative caught a wonderful if short-lived revision at CAA's Wikipedia page this morning, when, for 30 precious minutes, the agency's storied history of talent relations included colluding with Joe and Ashlee Simpson to rip off her song "My Model":

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In the latest attempt by a Hollywood superstar to Oscar grub by radically transforming their physical appearance, former hard-body Colin Farrell is rapidly downsizing for his upcoming part as a war photographer in Triage. And while Farrell could use some credibility in the acting department following his recent string of flops, hacking off all these pounds doesn't look like the healthiest way to do it. But admittedly, dieting your way towards industry approval has been a Hollywood go-to trick for quite a while. We took a look back at some of his peers' most drastic weight losses, and as scary as the morphing process made them look, each part did bolster their respective careers dramatically:

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On last night's anything-goes American Idol semi-finale, the remaining contestants—living headshot Syesha Mercado, crowd-pleasing cheese-rocker David Cook, and 400 lb.-black-woman-in-the-body-of-a-Mormon-twink David Archuleta—were to sing three songs: one selected by a judge, one by a star-chamber of Idol producers, and one of their own choosing. Big-hearted, coordination-challenged youngster Archuleta—the Tiny Tim of this year's proceedings—God-blessed-us every one before tossing aside his crutch (that would be his overbearing, rehearsal-banned father) and launching into Chris Brown's "With You."

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It took them long enough, but People has finally seized the magical capabilities of the world wide web and uploaded each and every cover in its almost 45-year history online. And while we hand-picked a few of our favourites, from a very Dirk Diggler-looking John Travolta in 1983 to the sad black and white sight of Jennifer Aniston's misty eyes looking up as Brad Pitt placed the wedding ring on her finger in 2000, we also featured a few after the jump that are slightly more disturbing. "Judge Judy Disrobed," and Brooke Shields doing her whole kiddie porn thing back in the 70s, for example. Plus, a very special throwback to a time when the world wondered whether Britney was looking "too sexy too soon" ... way back in 2000!

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Now that we've confirmed their likenesses beyond any reasonable doubt, the only thing left to wonder about Jonah Hill's planned feature adaptation of 21 Jump Street is whether or not he can pull off Johnny Depp's smoldering charm as Officer Tom Hanson, the undercover cop whose high-school crime-fighting exploits lasted four hit seasons on Fox in the late '80s. Sony, which is handling the movie version, confirmed only to Entertainment Weekly that Hill has been hired to write and executive produce; he has not officially been cast in any role, but if Depp's shoes indeed prove too sizable for Hill, there's always the Peter DeLuise part. Or, if he's feeling a particular lack of ambition, he could try Richard Grieco's doomed Dennis Booker.

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It's difficult enough to note the end of another seemingly rock-solid Hollywood relationship when the two parties are willing to at least admit that yes, they were involved. But how does one go about relaying the sad news that a love is no more, when the love was never outwardly acknowledged in the first place? What's that you say? By ceasing to be such a busybody and allowing them to lead their private lives in private? But we simply cannot do that! This is Jodie Foster we're talking about—and her beautiful Cydney!

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Following a detour in last season's CBS programming strategy which saw the network throw a few wackier ideas against the fridge to see what stuck (Drac Steele, Vampire P.I. and The Singing Venetian, Hugh Jackman's addition to the musical-casino genre, were what stuck), it seems they have returned to the dependability of laugh-tracks and procedurals for the fall 2008-09 season. At their upfronts announcement this morning at their New York offices, Les Moonves and trusty commandantes Nina Tassler and Kelly Kahl made official their last-minute, 22-episode order of The New Adventures of Old Christine, the unlikely story of what happens when Elaine loses her balls and spends the majority of her leisure time bickering with her ex-husband and his new girlfriend. Following them on Wednesdays is a new sitcom, Project Gary, starring Jay Mohr, while another new, single-camera comedy, Worst Week, joins the Monday night lineup, alongside all the wisecracking nerd-geniuses and Britney guest spots you've come to expect.

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Some day we'll bite the bullet and experience the magic of the Cannes Film Festival first-hand, but in the meantime, there are advantages to keeping one's distance. For starters, we're insulated from the horrors of marketing rituals like the one foisted on the international press this morning, when Jack Black strolled into Cannes with a few dozen minimum-wage costume slaves panda bears in support of his upcoming Kung Fu Panda. As evidenced by the accompanying video, much hammy ass-kicking and a sort of loin-churning, interspecial sexual chemistry ensues.

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We drank too much last night as usual, blacking out and then awaking from the strangest dream in a cold sweat: Werner Herzog was in New York remaking Abel Ferrara's infamous, NC-17-rated 1992 cop drama Bad Lieutenant and arguing with his star — Nicolas Cage of all people! — about the most tasteful way to replicate Harvey Keitel's full-frontal nude scene from the original film. Cage wanted a stunt penis, but Herzog, in his stern Bavarian accent, scolded Cage repeatedly: "No, no, no, Nic. That is cowardly and stupid. If Kinski were here..." At which point noted schlock producer Avi Lerner showed up out of nowhere to intercede on his director's behalf, reminding Cage that if Jason Segel could do it, then an Oscar winner could as well — ratings be damned.

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