Saturday, May 10, 2008
The Blockbuster You Only Need To Fire Once
11:07AM Seth | Iron Man scores. Looking beneath the big guy’s hood. Marvel’s ready to make a movie out of anything they can slap a “Man” onto. Crushing Speed Racer into a little cube. Picturehouse and Warner Independent, they sleep with the indie fishes. We pick through the wreckage. Is Scientology® brand Baby Gruel hindering the development of Hollywood’s next generation of disenturbulated superstars? Oh Wachowskiiiis…Come out, come out wherever you are! Who says Scarlett Johansson can’t have it all? She owes it all to her five totally not-perving-on-her dads. Sumner Redstone extends a gilded olive branch to Tom Cruise. Susan Sarandon just gettin’ by on biker tats and speed. Lindsay Lohan loses an $11,000 fur and a job in the span of one week, but neither were really hers to begin with. Twilight looks better than Lost Boys 2, but both could use a heavy dollop of Haim. If Barbara Walters thinks Oprah’s heels are hard to maneuver, how did she handle the corset, Bunny ears, and tray? There’s gold nuggets in them thar Hills! The wisdom of a John Cusack, Diablo Cody, or Bob Ross isn’t all that different than you might think. Madonna is just another housewife who didn’t figure out she’s a lesbian until she hit her 50s. “And I’m proud to be an American/Where at least there’s bikinis…“ Gearing up for the Scheisse Video Trial of the Century. Team Taco Trucks!
Lindsay Lohan And The Case Of The Fur Burglar
10:40AM Mark Graham | You know what sounds good right about now? No, besides a few glasses of Glenmorangie. Yep, that’s right, a mouthwatering Dirt Sandwich. Defamer’s resident Sandwich Artist, Molly McAleer, spent all week combing through oodles and oodles of high-calibre celebrity infotainment programming in search of the tastiest ingredients this side of a fresh crop of salvia. This week’s installment features Prince William’s rapidly eroding hairline, TMZ’s (imagined) kidnapping of Paris Hilton, David Foster’s truly brutal verbal pummeling of Idol reject Jason Castro and, of course, Lindsay Lohan’s minknapping incident (which, naturally, Dina Lohan chalks up as part of the vast media conspiracy against her eldest daughter). Enjoy! WATCH VIDEO More »
Jessica Alba Is Pregnant, Hungry and Unwilling To Wait In Line
10:00AM Mark Graham | PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week (depending on volume), so send them in early and often—without them, we’ll surely be forced to endure another Pellicano trial! Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put “sighting” or “PrivacyWatch” in the subject line so we don’t lose them) and tell everyone about the time you saw Jessica Alba cut in the breakfast line at the Griddle Cafe. More »
Liv Tyler Gets Separated, But Her Rebound Prospects Look Strong
9:30AM Molly Friedman | After all that hullabaloo following Liv Tyler’s missing wedding ring (and missing date) at Monday’s Costume Institute Gala, the dimpled rocker spawn has officially announced that she and husband of five years Royston Langdon “have confirmed their separation.” Whether this means those divorce rumours from weeks ago will materialize or that the pair is just going on one of those godawful “breaks” that never work out (see: Swank/Lowe and Richards/Sheen) is unknown so far. But after we took a look at Liv’s previous paramours, we have a feeling Tyler will have no problem finding a worthy suitor. More »
David Letterman Still Pretending To Give A Fuck About Whatever It Is Paris Hilton Is Yammering On About
9:05AM Seth | Stopping by the heiress-friendly zone of the Ed Sullivan Theatre to plug her latest exciting venture—MTV’s So You Want to Be Paris Hilton’s New Top Friend or whatever—the Hottie or the Nottie star admitted she had never seen an episode of that network’s massively popular realitainment, The Hills. It was a pronouncement so startling—where else do people like Hilton turn to fill the long hours between hair-extension-launch press conferences and the next SLR-hotboxing or pole-rocking opportunity?—that it instantly called to mind her blanket denial of having ever engaged in drug use of any kind during her post-incarceration Larry King Live interview. While both statements seem highly unlikely, King responded by voicing his scepticism on a later broadcast, while Letterman instead chose to hang himself in his office by Brooks Brothers necktie 30 minutes after taping. [Late Show with David Letterman] WATCH VIDEO More »
Adjective Challenged ‘Time’ Critic Adapts Nicely to the Lowbrow in ‘Vegas’ Review
8:45AM Defamer Hollywood | Just when we thought we had seen the best headline of the week over at BBC — “Great Tits Cope Well With Warming” (get your mind out of the gutter! It’s about birds) — and the best-possible What Happens in Vegas dismissal (courtesy of a caustic Manohla Dargis), along comes Time Magazine to combine the two distinctions in one revelatory piece of film criticism entitled “What Happens in Vegas Stays Sucky“: More »
Of Scientology, Herbal Boner Remedies And Wango Tango
8:25AM Mark Graham | The following email, which was sent to me by Intrepid Defamer Videographer™ Molly McAleer, arrived in my inbox sometime during the middle of last night. That is all the context you need at this point: More »
‘Twilight’ Teaser Trailer Aims For Teen Titillation, Scores
8:05AM Molly Friedman | After only three days, the teaser trailer for Twilight — that highly anticipated franchise initially classified as the “new Harry Potter“ — racked up more than two million views on the film’s MySpace page. As industry insiders have noted, the vampire flick may break the record of 4.1 million first week views set by Indy 4 earlier this year. But after viewing Twilight’s trailer for ourselves, we couldn’t care less about records or the fate of Indiana What’s His Name. Why? The folks at Summit Entertainment managed to create excitement (and widespread teen titillation) not by appealing to HP dorks or Narnia obsessives, but rather by going the Gossip Girl route and putting together an ensemble cast comprised of barely known and ridiculously hot actors. Take a gander at what appears to be a fantastical and surprisingly romantic Tim Burton-esque world after the jump. More »
7:50AM Seth | ICU Nerf-tag warrior Nick Hogan has received his sentence in a Tampa courtroom today: eight months in Florida county jail, five years’ probation and 500 hours community service, plus his licence revoked for three years. We hope this comes as a harsh wake-up call to all those street-racers among you: Your irresponsible actions do have consequences, like sitting around behind bars for a couple weeks until overcrowding gets you an early release, and you’re forced to wait until your 21st birthday for that rematch with the guy in the suped-up Mitsubishi Eclipse with the “BRNTR8R” plates. [People] More »
