This is, frankly, a pisser.

Is there some hypocrisy in this given your girlfriend is a stripper?

She's not a stripper, how do you know that. What? That's so stupid. My girlfriend does sales and promotion. She knows a lot of girls who are strippers. She's definitely not a stripper. The fact a strip club says it is a load of crap, and a friend could have been joking.

Why would they?

If you write that then I can get things done. I have a bit of pull, that's how I got on the show. I can post things about you and question whether it's true.

So you're threatening me now?

I just know you're going to portray me in a certain way, you've come up with this bullshit that someone's said and it's just crap.

Well, we've had it confirmed from Kittens that Amy works there as Ashley

It's crap, you're just trying to come up with some gossip, is there someone higher up I can speak to?

No

Why not?

Because this isn't a call centre where you ask for the supervisor

Well do my lawyers have to contact you?

Well, your lawyers are free to do that at any time, we're not hard to find

What you're saying is total...the fact you posted that is lame. I'm saying right now that she's not a stripper. The fake my girlfriend has fake boobs and dolls herself up...I will write stuff about you and the Daily Telegraph.

You are threatening me, aren't you? I can tell, that was a threat

You're gunna try and make me look like an idiot and portray me as a hypocrite because I what I said about Brigitte, I know how the media works, you're....

I don't think you needed our help with that, you did it yourself and seemed happy enough to bully her when you thought you had the upper hand. You implied she was smutty and said she was spoilt

My girlfriend does promotions and you're going to write crap because you think you're a detective and you've found out something someone says that is crap. I want to talk to someone higher up because obviously you're just the person doing stuff.

I'll tell them that you'd like to speak to someone

Oh and what, they won't call me, why would they want to talk to me.

At least brief Big Brother "star" Michael Crafter has displayed some awareness of just how limited his time in the spolight is likely to be with that last sentence.

Garth Montgomery, Defamer Australia applauds you. Especially for that call centre riposte. Bravo!

As easy as it is to poke fun at the angsty youth of today, with their deep love of mascara and sweeping fringes, when what first looks like a standard case of the pubescent sooks actually ends in a suicide, it's a tragic situation and there are no laughs to be had (unless you were born without a soul and are the type of person who lists kicking elderly cripples in your Facebook interests).

So believe me when I say I am not taking the piss out of this terrible story of a thirteen year old girl who took her own life in the UK

A girl of 13 killed herself after becoming obsessed with a fashion which links death with glamour, an inquest heard. Hannah Bond hanged herself from her bunk bed with a tie after becoming an 'Emo'.

Oh god, not again - are we really going to blame a hilariously rubbish genre of music for the death of another teenager? Is it not more likely that poor Hannah Bond was struggling with depression anyway, and the fact she wore too much eye makeup and listened to My Chemical Romance has absolutely nothing to do with her suicide? When a young sport star commits suicide, do the press go apeshit blaming the cult of Sherrin and a brutal culture which encourages phsyical aggression amongst teenage boys?

Sadly, this explanation of "emo" culture tacked onto the end of the Hannah Bond piece actually made me laugh. And then I felt awful. But come on -

The Emo phenomenon began in the U.S. in the 1980s. It is a largely teenage trend and is characterised by depression, self-injury and suicide.

Followers wear tight jeans with studded belts and wristbands. Their hair is dyed black and worn in long fringes to obscure their faces.

Emo - from the word emotional - is a reference to the angst-filled lyrics and melancholy themes of the rock music central to the culture.

One of the foremost of these "suicide cult" bands is My Chemical Romance, from New Jersey. Their first single, Welcome to the Black Parade, from the album The Black Parade, was released in 2006 and became a huge hit, going to number one in Britain.

The concept album follows the story of a character called The Patient, who dies of cancer. The Black Parade is a nickname for the place where Emo fans believe they will go when they die.

I'm sorry. Repeat that?

THE BLACK PARADE IS A NICKNAME FOR THE PLACE WHERE EMO FANS BELIEVE THEY WILL GO WHEN THEY DIE.

Unbelievable. Has anyone ever heard of this musical Valhalla, where Panic! At The Disco and Simple Plan blares through speakers constantly and everyones parents finally get them?

Lindsay Tanner is gonna have to write another presentation on "emos", I think.

· Let's play "What If?" What if...Javier Bardem went a different way with Anton Chigurh, and chose to go the Felicity Huffman-in-Transamerica route? Click play to find out! [Fourth Grade Gladiators]
· Corey Haim is back! And he looks like a lesbian dogwalker. [TMZ]
· Here's the first seven minutes of Speed Racer. As Idolator Maura put it, "Watching this is like watching them set a giant pile of money on fire in slow motion." To which we add: But the flames and sparks are so colorful! [movies.yahoo.com]
· Yeah, we're with Nick Malis: We plan on staying home, and hitting Rainbow Road instead. [Malis In Wonderland]
· After a few hits from the corpse bong! [chron.com]
· And then we're hitting this: [ThingsIDidLastNight.com]

Semi-rehabilitated celebrity minknapper Lindsay Lohan was all set to star in charmingly titled anti-romantic comedy The Manson Girls, the second installment of her Great Homicidal Psychopaths of Modern History Trilogy that began with Chapter 27 and was to conclude with her harrowing performance as the Austrian incest dungeon victim in The Basement, a Starz Original Film. But as Deadline Hollywood Daily now reports, Lohan has been let go from the production:

In the scheme of things, New Idea's year so far has been about as good as Channel Nine's; in between breaking embargos and paying Wayne Carey to talk about getting wasted and punching his girlfriend, suffice to say it's been a red letter start to the year for the mag.

Well, as though they didn't already share plenty of characteristics with Nine, New Idea is now apparently going on a boning frenzy, with staffers dropping left, right and centre. Health reporter Jane Worthington was apparently sacked via a phone call this week and is the latest to go.

Her firing follows the dismissal of New Idea veterans Patrice Fidgeon and Sue Smethurst last week.

Confidential sources yesterday alleged the sackings were part of a secret hit list poised to target current staffers Phil Koch, Lee-Anne Carter and Donna Ogier for the chop next.

Publisher Suzanne Monks denied the existence of such a list, confirming the trio's on-going employment.

"All (are) valued members of the New Idea team and are part of New Idea's plans going forward," she said yesterday.

In other staff changes, the magazine's beauty writer Chelsea Clark has been promoted to associate editor.

It's worth noting, too, that Smethurst is considering legal action as her sacking occurred two weeks before the end of her maternity leave, as is Worthington, both fighting the bonings on unfair dismissal grounds.

Awesome, top work New Idea! Walkleys all 'round!

Given what an amazing year two-thousand-and-great has been for Channel Nine so far, it seems fitting that they are now pinning their second-half-of-the-year hopes on bonkers "game" show, Hole In The Wall.

Fittingly, they have also employed perma-tanned knob Jules Lund to host the show, and boy, isn't he selling it!

The show will feature "celeb" contestants including Candice Falzon, Rob "Millsy" Mills and Warwick Capper.

"It's absurd, it's silly, it's mindless, therefore I'm perfect to host it," joked Lund.

Seriously, who is in charge of programming decisions at Nine? How can one station get it so, so wrong, time and time again? Their dedication to extreme shitness is really reaching mind boggling levels!

Even though I was rooting for Alice all the way in Australia's Next Top Model Cycle 3, you couldn't beat second-runner-up Jordan Loukas in the hilarity stakes. And, following that abortive Runway To LA farce, and the usual "too fat to model" fuss (too short is more likely the story, darls), I'm pleased to see Loukas is focusing on acting and presenting, since she was always too sparky to sit still and Vogue.

And I'm also pleased to read about her partying skills, which seem to be second to none!

A self-confessed "rock tragic" Loukas may have been a little overwhelmed to have been rubbing shoulders with industry veterans including You Am I's Tim Rogers, Grinspoon's Phil Jamieson and Silverchair's Chris Joannou - who had assembled to support music producer turned brewer Matt Lovell launch his lager label.

Loukas clearly thought it was a solid drop, as by 10.30pm she was "absolutely trashed", according to a party source, and jumping up and down on a couch before face-planting into the floor.

"She was clearly hammered - and even when she fell she didn't seem to feel it," the amused source told Confidential.

The model-turned-actress was suffering from a case of short-term memory loss when Confidential put the boozy balls-up to her yesterday, cheekily quipping: "I don't remember that, but I can ring my friend and ask."

The curious path of the documentary Roman Polanski: Wanted and Desired took another bizarre turn this week when HBO hosted an actual red-carpet "premiere" for the film in New York — the same city where it had attempted to secretly screen the doc for a week-long Oscar-qualifying run last month. Then, as Vulture noted today, things got even weirder when Polanski's 1977 statutory rape victim, the then-13 Samantha Geimer, showed up as one of the guests:

There is no point fighting it anymore. Vh1 will continue to produce shows featuring has-been stars from our youth and, like moths to the TV screen, we'll watch them cry, urinate on themselves and make out in hot tubs until the end of time. Their newest idea will feature (shocker!) Vh1 reality vet Scott Baio mentoring eight "male teen idols" of the 80s in an effort to jump-start a comeback. Since the sad little group has yet to be revealed, we went ahead and picked two former crushworthy picks we'd most like to see week after week, and the two who might force us to cancel our cable package altogether:

If you've not yet noticed, the media has been clogged with even more Barbara Walters than usual lately, the 78-year-old TV journalist and delightfully addled View ring referee doing overtime to plug her new memoir, Audition. (Defamer videographer and foremost Waltersologist Molly McAleer gives it three empty Hostess cupcake wrappers out of a possible four!) On last night's ABC tie-in special, Audition: Barbara Walters' Journey, Walters sat down with smarmy news anchor Charles Gibson for a one-hour trot down memory lane. (Sadly, it was trampled in the ratings by the bloodthirsty crowd who had gathered in Fox square to witness Jason Castro's dredlocked melon lopped off like a Rastafarian rugby ball.) Among her reminiscences, that default assignment for any young, ambitious journalist in the early '60s sporting a swell set of gams: a tour of Playboy Bunny duty, slinging buck-fifty cocktails and steaks while executing perfect Bunny-dips, all in the service of the fourth estate. Va-voom, Miss Walters. Va-voom! [Audition: Barbara Walters' Journey]

• WATCH VIDEO

Thus far, Riches star Minnie Driver has given the public three wildly different answers to anyone inquiring who knocked up the card-carrying member of that annoyingly massive Celebrity-Slash-Singer subset. Among the potential baby daddies she's flung out into the media's clutches? The Easter Bunny, musician Craig Zolezzi, and yes, God him or herself. And six months into her pregnancy, Driver has defiantly and coyly kept her lips sealed, until now. In a recent interview with the UK's Independent, she finally released two very telling details: the guy is British, and "sort of in the same business." Our guesses lie after the jump, but we leave it to you, loyal Defamer readers, to solve the mystery:

Defamer Critic Death Watch, Part XXIV: We'd heard whispers from the deck of the slave ship today that magazine publishing giant Hachette Filipacchi would be paring around 15 jobs from Elle.com and other Web sites, and among them sadly appears to be Premiere film critic and blogger extraordinaire Glenn Kenny. He made the announcement today at In the Company of Glenn, where he's blogged since late 2006.

· Craig Ferguson is writing his memoirs for HarperCollins, detailing his years as a "punk rocker, a dancer, a bouncer and a construction worker." Working title: The Village People in My Head: The Craig F. Story. [Variety]
· No strike talks are going to scare ABC away from casting their pilots: Morena Baccarin (Joss Whedon nerds know who she is) was cast as the lead in "untitled Dave Hemingson drama pilot," and Steve "Reba" Howey and Lee "Nothing You've Likely Seen" Thompson Young have jobs—for now—on comedy pilot Five Year Plan. [THR]

We've been poking fun at Katherine Heigl for months now, and with good reason: she just can't stop saying the darndest things about her emasculated husband Joshua Kelley, she is completely lacking gaydar ... frankly, this list could go on for hours. But after hearing the news that Heigl is pushing for an escape from the ratings-challenged Grey's Anatomy following a fiscally successful contract renegotiation later made public, we're inching towards Team Heigl for the first time. As a source tells MSNBC:

There's only so much ledge-prancing, saber-rattling, gun-pointing madness a person can get away with spinning in the press, and at a glance, anyway, it appears SAG national executive director Doug Allen may be faking the labour funk a little too aggressively. Now that his union's extended (and re-extended) negotiation period with the major studios is over, leaving AFTRA to step in and take everything it's offered no-questions-asked, Allen kvetched to Variety today that goddammit — they were so close! Like, just a few hours away! No, really. He actually said that:

We've become just about as well-versed as we want to when it comes to the bizarre practices of Scientologists, which run the gamut from silent birth to e-meters. But after hearing that Katie Holmes' precious little Suri is still on the baby bottle even after turning 2 years old, and that fellow Scientologist mummy Leah Remini's "sweet witty pain in the ass" 3-year old Sophia still drinks six bottles a night, we discovered some disturbing tales from other members of the cult religion who used "Hubbard's baby formula," only to wind up with "thin and colicky" toddlers that had their "baby teeth destroyed" and "screamed themselves to death." But as the defiant Remini says in this clip, "I could see her drinking a bottle 'til she's 16." More details on Hubbard's toxic formula that was developed using methods from Ancient Rome (!!!) after the jump.

Were you, like us, rendered an incapacitated, drooling mess after trying to slog through Variety's report on the agency-defection madness currently gripping the screenwriting trade? Perhaps you are simply a visual learner, in which case we've drafted for you a handy pictorial guide to the recent comings and goings of the Bedhopping Six. (We managed to find photos of all them, save the Google Image-shy husband-wife team of Cormac and Marianne Wibberley, the National Treasure writers instead represented by Nicolas Cage wielding a torch inside Mt. Rushmore's Teddy Roosevelt nostril.)

As first foreseen here last week, bad news rolled into Picturehouse HQ today in the form of a batch of pink slips. Warner Bros, is shuttering the art-house/indie/foreign distribution arm in the wake of its belt-tightening at Picturehouse's parent company New Line; we're a little more surprised, however, to read that Warners is also closing shop at Warner Independent Pictures. We knew Jeff Robinov and Alan Horn were unhappy with the boutique business, but Jesus. Picturehouse chief Bob Berney and WIP boss Polly Cohen, tagged for a possible (if implausible) power-sharing arrangement as recently as last week, are both being shown the door, as are both offices' staffs in New York and Los Angeles. We'll be following up later with word on that rumoured independent venture of Berney's, but in the meantime, the full press release from Warner Bros. follows after the jump.

Congratulations go out this morning to Paste Magazine, winners of the race to reclaim Scarlett Johansson as the precocious nubile muse we knew and loved prior to this week's grim news of her engagement to marry... never mind. What's important here are her "Five Dads" pervily cited in the magazine's new cover story — Woody Allen, Bill Murray, Tom Waits, Bob Dylan and, ahem, Barack Obama. After the jump, if you have the stomach for it, see if you can match the pop culture father figure to Scarlett's eyelash-batting, daughterrific praise. (Bonus points if you can accurately guess which one will give her away! It's even harder than Mamma Mia!)

Another day, another reason to adore Cougar Queen Susan Sarandon. Sure, these quasi-shocking revelations about one of Hollywood's most respected actresses are intelligently being released just as her next film Speed Racer guns for a second place B.O. finish, but if we thought the 61-year old's new tattoo was cause for celebration, consider her recent discussion involving How To Talk To Your Kids About Drugs:

Sarandon admits she took plenty of drugs during her time in 1970s Hollywood, and isn't afraid to share her experiences with the teenagers. "When they were pretty young, Miles said, 'Did you do crack?' and I had to explain, 'No, they didn't have crack in those days."

Mike Darnell is the undisputed evil genius of reality TV, a fiendish Rumplestiltskin installed high atop a Fox tower, where he oversees day-to-day operations of that network's Dept. of Non-Scripted, Deluge-Summoning Entertainment. Ask anyone who has witnessed Darnell in action, and they'll describe how his mind never stops churning, processing the virtually limitless combinations of millionaires/ abandoned daughters/ homely women he can sequester on islands/ McMansions/ lie-detector-equipped soundstages, confident America will tune in to find out if they forget the lyrics/survive that reindeer attack/are dumber than a 5th grader. THR sat down with Darnell to find out what makes Satan's Primetime Minion tick:

While we long ago put to rest those rumours that Oliver Stone's forthcoming George Bush biopic W was a fantastically sophisticated April Fools gag on the media and all modest Americans of taste and discretion, it's not like Entertainment Weekly had to go rub it in with its new cover story. But there they are anyway: Josh Brolin and Elizabeth Banks as the President and First Lady, all set to ham it up in the drama Stone is apparently location scouting as we speak. Alas, with Stone swearing up and down he can have the film in theatres by election time, one critical vacuum remains: Who, who will play Dick Cheney?