Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Pete Doherty Is ‘Drug Free’; I Am ‘A Magical Fairy Person’!
8:59AM Clem Bastow | Pete(r) Doherty emerged from prison yesterday, after a sentence of about six minutes, greeting the press by flapping around a certificate that “proves” he is drug free after his stay in the clink. Same old same old, really; I don’t think I’m the only person who is currently setting my watch according to when he’ll end up a) back in or b) back on the crack.
But what struck me was, well, how shit the certificate was:
Well Done!? Is this some new Scotland Yard initiative that attempts to treat hardened drug users and criminals like they’re back in Grade 2, in the hope that the desire for an elephant sticker is so great they will do anything, i.e. get clean/rat on their accomplices/stop raping kittens?
In fact, I wonder if Doherty didn’t just pop into the rec room before his release and whip something up in Word. To wit:
Feel free to print that out and take it to school on show and tell day, kids. More » 
Free Spirited Isabel’s Free Spirited Fashion Sense Confuses The Yanks
8:50AM Clem Bastow | Pretty little Isabel Lucas, who has decamped to the States while on a break from saving whales and dolphins and washing her face in rose petals and moondust, has been spending more and more time with ladies’ man Adrian Grenier lately.
In fact, the pair just attended the Kentucky Derby together, and it seems the US fashionistas weren’t powerful impressed with Lucas’ choice of frock – and neither, it seems, was Grenier, judging by his expression in this shot:
He looks like he’s fighting to stave off an epileptic fit or a particularly overwhelming wave of nausea. Or maybe he’s just trying to remember the last time he washed and shaved. She is wearing a tone of matte brown lipstick (likely called “Coffee Bean”, “Toasty” or “Mocha Surprise”) that was last popular in uptown LA in 1993.
Who wants to bet that Lucas is the sort of lass who’d make you a homemade dream catcher for your birthday, and give it to you with a card featuring a Native American Indian homily on it, and then you’d wake up in the middle of the night and she’d be standing next to your bed, “reading your aura”? More » 
The Hills: ‘I Want To Get My Hands In There And Make Myself Available To You’
8:50AM Molly Friedman | Even though zombified Whitney and scandal-plagued Audrina didn’t have much to teach us on last night’s wisdom-packed episode of The Hills, Spencer, Heidi and Lauren blew our minds with life lessons we’ll carry with us forever. And despite not saying anything that even remotely resemebled wisdom, it must be said that Justin Bobby, with his new haircut, has officially reignited our Bad Boy Crush phase. Intrepid Defamer Videographer™ Molly McAleer worked her magic to present the episode’s most eye-opening moments, which we’ve broken down into three essential bits of knowledge: More »
Play the ‘DreamWorks Free to Good Home’ Sweepstakes
8:50AM Defamer Hollywood | They say nobody in Hollywood knows anything, which is true in just about every situation but the one facing DreamWorks and its partners at Paramount — a pair about as likely to split in acrimony within the year as Nikki Finke is to wheeze “TOLDJA!” when it happens. Patrick Goldstein today offers a rough primer for the ‘Works/’Mount divorce, with enough oversights and elisions to make it dispensable (for starters, whither UA in the potential coupling of DreamWorks and MGM?) but thought-provoking enough to ask: Where will the ‘Works wind up? More »
Ellen Page’s Leading Roles Finally Pull Even With Dumped Films From ‘07
8:40AM Defamer Hollywood | Welcome to Ellen Page Dump-and-Run Week, when even today’s news that America’s ambiguously-persuasioned sweetheart is attached to star in yet another adaptation of Jane Eyre is slightly overshadowed by the two “new” Page releases you may not have known to look for. Like An American Crime? You know this one? No? Page stars as Sylvia Likens, the Indianapolis teen who was beaten, tortured and murdered by her caretaker (played by Catherine Keener) in one of the most notorious homicides in American history. We saw it at the Sundance Film Festival in 2007, when someone reportedly passed out at the premiere — probably the producer who realised his high-calibre drama (starring two Oscar nominees!) was headed straight to Showtime oblivion this Saturday at 10 p.m. We feel him, but that’s not the half of it. More »
Umastalker Found Guilty Of Umastalking
8:20AM Seth | Jack Jordan is the lovelorn and deeply misunderstood man currently on trial for having developed—and who hasn’t!—an irrationally obsessive crush on screen siren Uma Thurman. This in turn led him to perform such deeply unsettling, yet oddly touching, gestures as presenting Thurman with samples of his own stick-figure art—which we’ve reproduced according to trial testimony’s exacting specifications. The AP now reports that a jury has found Jordan guilty. The conviction—one count of stalking and one count of aggravated harassment—means Jordan could face up to one year in jail. More »
Glenn Close: Buried Alive!
8:18AM Seth | You just never know what you’re going to get on The Martha Stewart Show. Today: We make our own herb garden kits. And later, Glenn Close recalls the time she was buried alive with her husband! Wait—what? [Martha] Good news, everyone! Star Jones is dating again. (Or has a snappy-dressing driver/assistant/bodyguard.) And! Is looking sassy. [Bossip] Tina Fey is the most adorable anti-film-piracy figurehead since Lucky and Flo. (And we’re not comparing her to a labrador retriever. We just think she’s cute.) [ONTD] Talk Sex with Sue Johanson is ending its six-year run on Oxygen? But where else are we going to get straight-up advice from someone who resembles our sixth-grade English teacher on the proper use of a double-headed dildo? [AP] Photobombing is our new favourite pranktivity. And of all the photobombs collected here, this one of a guy shoving a fat finger up his nose while Wilmer Valderrama tries to look like the man with three hot chicks on his arm is our very favourite. [listoftheday] More »
Brad Pitt And Angelina Jolie Take The Parking Spots Out Of Hungry Franklin Villagers’ Mouths
8:15AM Seth | Attention peace-loving residents of Franklin Village! Do you enjoy the speed and convenience with which you park your vehicles along nearby Canyon Drive? The fate of your parking now hangs in the balance—and do-gooding supercouple Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are likely to blame. Two upcoming meetings—one at Hollywood Presbyterian Church and one at City Hall—will address the transformation of this once restriction-free parking Eden into a dreaded TPPD, or Temporary Preferential Parking District. Translation: Give up all hope ye who park here, you’re going to come back to a ticket. The reason? According to grassroots parking activists franklinvillage.org, the TPPD is the direct result of a UMP, or Unusual Media Presence. Translation: Lets prevent those dirty paps from camping out outside the home of our gorgeous new neighbours, the Pitt-Jolies! More »
Barbara Walters Recalls Riding In The Bus With Her Emotionally Retarded Surrogate Daughter, Rosie
8:10AM Seth | A torrent of emotion flooded Harpo studios today: Raw! Real! Emotion! as Barbara Walters laid herself open for all to see on The Oprah Winfrey Show. Oprah, having gotten the distinct whiff of platelet-deficient blood, went directly in for the kill, insisting the 78-year-old sexual diarist divulge all the backstabbing goings-on at The View during the tumultuous period beginning with Star Jones’s expulsion via medieval catapult, through to Rosie O’Donnell’s Infamous Reign of Bipolar Terror. Walters goes on to paint a fascinating psychological portrait of the latter, who, robbed at a young age of her own mother, was cursed to a never-ending, Jungian search for her replacement. Anything could have set this emotional house of cards tumbling; in this case, it ended up being Donald Trump’s “fat ugly face” material and Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s unflappable patriotism that eventually snuffed the illusion that, all these years later, Rosie had found home. [Oprah.com] WATCH VIDEO More »
