Call me a sucker, but guess what I'll be doing on Sunday night which doesn't involve attending any of the great gigs on around town that evening? That's right! If my resolve doesn't fail me, I'll be live blogging the Logies! With a real Logie in my hand (long story)!

Also, a quick note about how we're gonna be running things around here from Monday onwards. We're saying goodbye to the Royal We and heartily embracing the first person! That's right, no more "We think..." or "As we always say..." or anything like that - we (actual we) here at Defamer Australia figure you're already getting used to our personal styles thanks to the by lines beside posts, so why not just write for Defamer Australia from Jess & Clem points of view? This means we can argue with each other, and it will add what we hope is a delightful individual touch to things.

The US posts - which are still clearly and lovingly marked with a flag and a by line identifying the charming American author of the piece - will probably stay with the "We" schtick, and good for them.

Here's hoping the subtle change and approach to business 'round these parts doesn't turn everything to shit. Or even more shit, depending on your negative perspective.

See you back here on Sunday evening for wrist slicing and general merriment.

x

Wish we could say we'd written it, but no - why break with tradition? It's from the SayHey message board (aka the Kylie fan forum). It needs no context.

Well I just heard that Mariah is doing an Oprah special where she'll give birth on the air and then Oprah will give everyone in the audience FREEEEEEEEE BABIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEES! Angelina will be there to hand them out. This show is scheduled for recording on 18 September.

Arf! Sent in by our Euro Correspondent.

Seen anything amazing on the web? Email us at the usual address!

Oh god.

Firstly, Midget Porn TM. Excellent. We've all seen the photos of Rima, yeah? We'd publish them here but we don't want to be sued, or something. Maybe it's cos we're highbrow. Whatever. We're still rooting for her.

Secondly, the Big Brother online diary. Often a source of endless amusement and insights into the psyche of the housemates, this entry just made our heart hurt.

Rima and Dixie are chatting in the lounge.

While the other HMs are fast asleep in the bedroom, Dixie and Rima bond in the lounge. Dixie tells Rima she thinks Renee is one of the most genuine people in the House. "She's no different in here to what she is in the real world," Dixie explains. Rima agrees, "The Aussies love that personality to win. They love it." Dixie says she hopes Renee wins. "I don't have any interest in playing the game," she says.

Already we're hearing the term "playing the game"? We'd make a Big Brother Clichéd Statements Bingo! card for the folks at home to print out and play along with during the next couple of weeks, but first we need to slice ourselves with a rusty knife, roll in salt, and then soak in a nice bath filled with lemon juice.

Finally, Corey Worthington is entering the house. And releasing a Beastie Boys cover. PUNCH US IN THE HEAD UNTIL WE LOSE CONSCIOUSNESS, PLEASE. Other than that amazing interview on Today Tonight, has Corey displayed any signs of being an entertaining character? Our only hope is that Corey uses his STUNNING PARTY THROWING SKILLS to somehow smuggle a bewildered bus of tourists expecting to go nuts at Wet & Wild into the compound and then gets them drunk enough to ensure the entire house is trashed beyond recognition and this year's crop of contestants are then forced to clean up $40,000 worth of damage by eviction night, or live in the squalor for the rest of the season.

Oh, and a shout out to Sonia Kruger - thanks for bigging up our opening night live blog on breakfast radio yesterday! Defamer Australia's Editor's mother is a Mix 106.5FM devotee and texted us saying "Sonia Kruger gave your blog defamer a plug this morning re big brother! She said it was so funny what HE wrote?"

Tina Sparkle, you have confused our mother. She now wonders whether she secretly birthed a boy child 27 years ago, and the charity haircut was a subtle way of breaking the news to her. For future reference, Defamer Australia is written by ladies, for ladies. Well, not really. But we've definitely got breasts.

PS: We secretly hope Tina Sparkle found the blog entry because it was sandwiched nicely between two Todd McKenney "pieces" and she'd been Googling his long weekend adventures to pass the time.

Alright, it's been a while since Defamer Australia gave you a "hot music tip", but we've just gotten our paws on a great new album that's recently been released in the States, and we figured Australian punters with a love of decent tunes (and a strange desire to trawl pop culture obsessed websites in their spare time) deserve to know about the following artist.

Meet Eli "Paperboy" Reed & The True Loves.

He's a young dude from Boston, and his new album 'Roll With You' is one of the best things we've heard in an age. Think old bluesy soul with the Ronson touch (although as far as we know, Lindsay Lohan's brother-in-law has nothing to do with the record). It's not often we fall for something within thirty seconds of hearing it, but we did with 'Roll With You' and can't recommend it enough.

You can hear some tunes from the album by clicking on the MySpazz link above, but the best two songs on the record - 'Stake Your Claim' and 'Am I Wasting My Time' - aren't included on there, alas.

Still. If you're daft enough to be awake early tomorrow between 6am and 10am, Your Editor will be molesting Triple J and may just bang on one of the tracks in a concerted effort to wake up.

You've been told. Although we are hardly tastemakers here at Defamer Australia, we fell for Amy Winehouse's 'Back To Black' in a similar way back in late 2006 - try to remember how amazing that release was before every radio station flogged 'Rehab' to death and Amy Winehouse was on the cover of every goddamn magazine, drunkenly stumbling about like an inebriated twig with a mascara obsession - and we're fairly confident that if radio actually plays the fucking record instead of faffing about with songs about spray on pants, the folks at home will eat it up with a spoon.

· Forgive us for being a couple days behind on Robert Downey Jr.'s Late Show appearance, but we were so excited that someone has finally found way to stop making bad movies, we simply had to share it with you: Simply start every shooting day by balling up the piece-of-shit script handed to you by your director, whipping it at the wall, and having them start from scratch. [Late Show]
· Mariah Carey, 39, has married Drumline star Nick Cannon, 27, at her home in the Bahamas. Yes, she's that chick. [Page Six]
· Phew! Reichen takes back all of the "shady sack of beyond gross lying shit" talk and Bitter Dating Tips for Hollywood from his MySpace page. He was just having a bad day! :P [Pink Is The New Blog]
· Here's a free copy of the new Coldplay single. We're getting a slutty Gwyneth vibe from it. [coldplay.com]
· Wonkette remembers D.C. Madam Deborah Jeane Paltry, found dead today, by purchasing her a seat to the stars. [Wonkette]

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Not a day goes by without a dozen blind items stirring up rumours about the newest Hollywood heroin addict or closeted anchor with sex swings in his office, but there is one very rare kind of bold face name-less rumour that catches our eye. And it has to do with "celebrity dads," "piercings," and "nether regions." As the NY Post Just Asks this morning:

Which celebrity dad is just as rebellious as his starlet daughter? The troubled parent wears a ring through a piercing on his nether regions.

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So the last time Justin Timberlake participated in a memorable live performance with an iconic female singer/dancer phenom resulted in that legendary "wardrobe malfunction" suffered by one Miss Janet Jackson. Sure, it was staged and Timberlake's "oops!" facial expression prophetically foreshadowed his subpar acting skills to come, but at least in our opinion, the whole thing was kind of hot. Sadly, last night he obediently agreed to perform on stage with his new vitamin injectress Madonna, and despite Madge's impressive torso maneuvers and immobile hairdo, her attempts to grind and dirty dance the life out of Timberlake in this clip just made us uncomfortable.

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Americans are weird.

But we'll be teaching our dog to dance like that if it kills us.

Since there's nothing Your Editor likes better than seeing fatties lacking in self-confidence locating their inner spunk over a ravenous three month period, you can understand why we chose to shun all the hip parties in town last night and instead stay home to watch the mother of all weigh ins, The Biggest Loser finale.

Even though last night featured a disappointing lack of Jillian genius (the few minutes of footage we saw from the Black team's time in LA really hammered home how "strong and constant", hymn style, our love for the mad bitch is...), we nevertheless delighted in seeing the weight loss of all the contestants we've known and loved - except JJ, who appears to have actually kept running ever since he escaped the white house, which at the very least should be keeping him trim - and even the contestants we didn't actually know and love (helloooooooo, dude who won $10,000 losing a billion kilos at home! You fox!)

Well done to Sam for winning, etc etc etc etc.

SO ANYWAY.

Here's the only thing we really wanted to say.

Amid the blizzard of claims flying back and forth between Rob Lowe and the former nanny claiming "false terribles" comes further accusations made against the Allegedly Pervy House of Lowe: A second nanny, Laura Boyce, has filed a cross-complaint against the couple in which she accuses Sheryl Lowe of doing everything short of demanding an au pair ménage à trois:

Among the allegations against Sheryl:

- Walking around naked, completely exposing herself to Boyce.

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After reading the vivid description of a greeting card plucked from the "Friendship - Stalked Actress" section of his local Hallmark store and presented by noted creep Jack Jordan to Uma Thurman on the steps of her My Super Ex-Girlfriend trailer, all we wanted was to catch a glimpse of the heavily-doodled correspondence. Sadly, none seemed to exist. No matter: We simply asked the talented team over at Defamer's Evidence-Recreation Dept. to whip us up this stunning facsimile, based upon Thurman's detailed testimony. We think you'll find it a satisfactory approximation of the original, down to the last ACME razor blade and "tee-hee."

• Uma Thurman's Stalker Wooed Her With Doodled Harbingers Of Stick-Figure Doom [Defamer]

Gwyneth Paltrow was certainly on a roll when it came to revamping her ice queen image with repeated appearances in bad girl ensembles revealing all kinds of T&A. And we did appreciate the fact that she earnestly tried to justify her new call girl look by explaining that she sucks so hard at the whole acting thing. But at last night's Iron Man premiere in LA, we fear Paltrow's hit a speed bump when it comes to comprehending exactly what "sexy" means. Last we heard, wide-legged jumpsuits showcasing only her clavicle and shoulder blades weren't topping the lists of most male fantasy outfits. But despite falling off the hotness wagon temporarily, Paltrow did manage to pose for a photo that won't exactly improve the week of drug tape-addled Angelina Jolie, baby mama to Paltrow's former fiancé.

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On one hand we're sick to near-death of German provocateur Uwe Boll, whose perverse viral antics have amused us barely enough to keep us watching over the last month. But today the son of a bitch is making actual news: First by suing his Bloodrayne star Billy Zane for misleading him on the film's failed distribution in 2006, and then by actually confirming his proposed boxing match with flaxen fauxteur Michael Bay. So topical! So... angry! Find out where he's coming from (sort of) after the jump.

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It was Ryan Gosling who was originally blamed for being the temperamental artiste gumming up the works on the set of Peter Jackson's The Lovely Bones, but recent mumblings suggest it is the exacting director who is proving to be his own worst enemy: Production has reportedly temporarily shut down as Jackson battles with his art director over how to best depict the movie's version of Heaven. On top of that, Susan Sarandon has grumbled on the Speed Racer red carpet about how she was instructed to play her character. From Flicks.co.nz:

There's trouble in paradise. Our spies have reported that Peter Jackson's The Lovely Bones has ceased filming due to a rift between the big man and his art director over the best way to depict Heaven. [...]

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Happy May Day. Why? Aside from May flowers, this month will finally bring some answers regarding all those conflicting box office predictions made in the trades weeks ago: will the upcoming back-to-back openings of Iron Man, Speed Racer, Prince Caspian and Indy 4 crush recession worries as Variety predicted? Or is the 19% decline in spring grosses only going to continue, as THR suggested mid-April? Well, the folks at Moviefone have provided us with a bit of guidance in the form of a poll measuring audience anticipation. And despite early rave reviews for Downey Jr.'s performance in Iron Man, the scores of kids aching for more Narnia adventures and testosterone-invigorating posters for Indy 4, it seems the majority of audience-goers only want to talk about Sex, baby.

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The jaw-dropping allegations made by a former Rob Lowe nanny against the actor's wife, Sheryl Lowe—which, by our count, contained one n-word, one use of the word "cockring," six separate mentions of male sex parts, and a chilling reference to minors that our non-deviant minds have yet to fully absorb—has elicited an official response from the accused. It comes to us courtesy of The Insider, so you'll have to try to tune out the smacking, salivary sounds that accompany it:

"As a mother of two young boys, it is sickening and disgusting that Mrs. Allred and Ms. Boyce would stoop so low as to drag a child into this latest, baseless, predatory lawsuit. To falsely attack my husband is one thing, to attack me is another, but to do this to our son reveals not only their lack of character, but how far they are willing to go to play the "lawsuit lotto".

The rest of the statement continues after the jump:

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Just when we started to truly believe that every reality TV idea had already been plundered, comes a Craigslist casting opportunity featuring one of the more fertile premises we've yet heard: It's a show devoted to capturing all the thrilling highs and the "Oops! But I'm almost positive you said it was the left knee that was giving you trouble" lows of a surgeon's first time.

Looking for SURGEON perf 1st surgery of kind or VERY FIRST SURGERY (Los Angeles)

Production Company in Los Angeles is working on a pilot reel for a television series for a major cable network.

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Of the many coastal wellness centres catering to Hollywood's well-monied, well-coke-dealered set, perhaps none swaths its patients in luxury like Renaissance Malibu ("Where currency is for spending, not rolling into little straws."™). The facility—which counts the likes of Daniel Baldwin among its celebrity failures—is now up for sale: a 14,000-square-foot mansion in the neo-Virginia-tobacco-plantation style that's so much in vogue, sitting on an expansive lot of prime Malibu property. (A virtual tour comes courtesy of Radar.) The price? A mere $23.75 million, a piddling sum in exchange for the thrill of living out your wildest Richie Rich rehab fantasies. (Group therapy counsellor Irona not included.)

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It's safe to say that every celebrity, even Artie Lange, has their fair share of fans with crushes on them. But when the celebrity in question happens to be the Amazonian Tarantino muse Uma Thurman, this group of lovey-dovey fans will naturally include at least a few nutcases. Enter Jack Jordan, the soft-spoken schizo whose stalking enterprise we filled you in on earlier this week. But today, on the third day of his trial in New York, the actress finally took the stand herself to deliver her testimony. As the NY Times reports, Thurman began by describing a card Jordan had delivered to her trailer while she was filming My Super Ex-Girlfriend:

On the front was a dreamy pastel store-bought image of a small blonde girl, a spray of pink flowers and a dove...On the back was a crude pen and ink drawing of a male stick figure walking off the edge of an Acme razor blade into an open grave.

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Amid yet another hot streak on Broadway, celebrated actor/playwright and Harvey Feirstein doesn't have to answer to anyone about anything — his nearly 40-year career, his iconic gayness, none of it! At least not until Adam Sandler, apparently in the market for a flaming foil, came a-calling while casting his new film. Fierstein did have a response for that:

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A few notes kicked under the door at Defamer HQ hint that the end may be near for Picturehouse, the Oscar-winning art house shingle plunged into limbo in February after its parent company New Line was absorbed by the Warner Bros. mothership. We have yet to hear where company president Bob Berney will wind up, though a popular rumour has him sharing power at Warners' other struggling boutique outpost, Warner Independent Pictures, with current WIP boss Polly Cohen. We posit at least one more underdog alternative as well — plus a prognosis for the remaining Picturehouse output — after the jump.

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The inevitable grouping of the major studios under the iTunes roof finally occurred today, when Apple officially announced it had reached agreements with Universal, Paramount, Fox, Warner Bros., Sony and Lionsgate (along with previous bedfellow Disney) on day-and-date downloads of their new DVD titles. The studios had made most releases available for rental since earlier this year (with catalog titles for sale before that), but this marks the first time users can buy and download new releases on their DVD street dates.

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Army Archerd surprises us every couple of months or so with a scoop worthy of his 55-year reputation as "Hollywood's Original Blogger," or whatever Variety is calling him these days. Today, for example, the veteran gadfly brings word of a cinematic revival so towering, so ahead-of-its-time, so... smelly it could only emerge from the smoldering cerebrum of Brett Ratner:

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It's time to salute David Letterman, who continues to do a great service for us, the non-Hills watcher with only a vague idea of what the hell's going on with that inexplicably popular program. Thanks to the Reality TV Catfight Reform Act of 2007, Heidi Montag was granted equal Late Show broadcast time to that of Lauren Conrad, whereupon she too was grilled by Dave on the ins and outs of their feud. Apparently, the MacGuffin propelling much of this season's warfare was a much-discussed, but yet-to-surface sex tape starring Conrad and her former lover.

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After last week's caustic conflagration among film critics, we've been closely monitoring the heart rates of reviewers all over the country as even more fall away from the ranks. This week saw the departure of Matt Zoller Seitz, the New York Times contributor and House Next Door founder who stepped away to pursue filmmaking full-time. We wish Seitz all the best, because judging by this series of damning reader retorts to a recent MSNBC survey of criticism, his timing couldn't possibly have been better:

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When it comes to location shooting, Angelenos endure an uneasy relationship: This is, after all, Hollywood, and if you don't work in the industry, chances are someone on either side of you does. But productions have a way of pushing their luck—say, for example, by pounding on the door of your Echo Park home at dawn, demanding you move your car so that Val Kilmer can take a dump. Well, Dresden Graham—a 65-year-old retiree and innocent victim of Will Smith and his Seven Pounds-crew's own dump-taking needs—is mad as hell, and she's not going to take this anymore! Reports THR.com:

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