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Tom Cruise Wants Katie Holmes To Find New, Non Spice Girl Friends
Posted by Molly Friedman at 4:50 AM on April 15, 2008
Tom Cruise isn't having the best month. First, a bunch of hooligans slapped his laughy face on some ultra-strong pot and called it Tom Cruise Purple. Then, the feel-good movie of 2008, Valkyrie, got pushed back (making it the feel-good movie of 2009). And now, Victoria Beckham has usurped a bit of his domestic control and transformed Katie Holmes into a fellow stick figurine. And Tom's April blues have reached a breaking point:
"[Tom] is keen to put some distance between his actress wife and Victoria, who have morphed into each other...it concerns Tom that Katie has lost so much weight recently."
Rumors surfaced a few weeks ago that Katie and Posh are fond of splitting meals together, or ordering one tiny entree and cutting the whole thing in half (even the soda). But apparently all this dieting is turning Katie from fit to scary skinny. And Tom, in true form, isn't happy. Frankly, we wouldn't be either if our significant other was following this freaky food regiment: "She is following Victoria's strict 900-calories-a-day eating plan. She is copying Victoria's fad of eating seaweed shakes, frozen grapes and edamame beans. She is tiny." Frozen grapes and seaweed shakes? We would imagine this diet, aside from shrinking Katie's waist size, would wreak havoc on those rare once-a-month occasions when Tom insists she kiss him on the lips.
Comments (AU Comments · US Comments)
There are currently no AU comments for this post.
Juancho
Posted 5:44 AM 15/4/08
I applaud the Becks on this one. See what happens when you try to suck them into your little cult?
Juancho
pureblarney
Posted 5:31 AM 15/4/08
The Tomatron says there's only allowed to be one robot in the family.
pureblarney
CourageousCoward
Posted 5:29 AM 15/4/08
@niterunner: I believe the "Supermodel Diet" has one subsisting exclusively on Cocaine and cigarettes.
CourageousCoward
niterunner
Posted 5:28 AM 15/4/08
Well no wonder Posh is splitting meals...900 calories a day..what a cow! I easily get by on 400. Air popped corn, a mint leaf, and a diet coke is all one needs to get by.
niterunner
Benovite
Posted 5:25 AM 15/4/08
Not only is she skinny, her fashion sense is shot.
Benovite
spanktastic
Posted 5:24 AM 15/4/08
Tom needs some platform shoes. It must be painful to be so tiny. Can Scientology fix the pain?
spanktastic
icallthebigonebitey
Posted 5:20 AM 15/4/08
Maybe fellow thetan-destroyer Kirstie Alley can help? There will be no "meal splitting" if she gets involved. Meal STEALING, yes. Meal sharing, no.
icallthebigonebitey
EuroDad
Posted 5:20 AM 15/4/08
sadly, this means having a menage-a-trois w/ Katie & Posh would really be like sleeping with one normal (albeit still very skinny) woman...
EuroDad
CourageousCoward
Posted 5:10 AM 15/4/08
Don't be glib. He's done the research! (Here take some of these vitamins.)
CourageousCoward
Juancho
Posted 6:09 AM 15/4/08
@TootieFields: Ah yes, the famed Mapother bloat.
Juancho
Mr. Ice
Posted 6:07 AM 15/4/08
Becoming BFFs with Britney Spears might help reverse the weight loss.
Mr. Ice
TootieFields
Posted 6:01 AM 15/4/08
Can't Tom just get some of his cousin's sperm to impregnate her again? That would probably fatten her up a little.
TootieFields
DexterRiley
Posted 5:52 AM 15/4/08
How long before Second-in-Command Tom declares, "Enough!" and levitates over to Team Juno?
Yeah, they can fix her.
DexterRiley
Omelas
Posted 6:55 AM 15/4/08
So Tom's surprised that his wife is easy prey for a charismatic crazy and a dangerous fad?
Omelas
Barbarella
Posted 6:51 AM 15/4/08
@spanktastic: Um, he's already wearing them believe it or not.
Barbarella
RonMwangaguhunga
Posted 6:48 AM 15/4/08
From the 3AM Girls, July 2007: "'Midway through the party, previously cool Will, his wife Jada, Tom and Katie called Posh and Becks on to a platform and gave them a truly cringey LA welcome.
"Then Muhammad Ali star Will blurted: 'The wife instructed me to talk short. So I would like to say I love the dress baby, it's a hot dress. And Tom said to me the most important decision you'll ever make in your life is the groups you choose to be a part of.
"'He said that when you choose your wife you're choosing a life, and when you choose your friends you are choosing your life.'"
RonMwangaguhunga
crackbabyjesus
Posted 6:44 AM 15/4/08
It would appear he is a rather lousy Operating Thetan. If he could really manipulate space and time, wouldn't he make himself taller? Or Kate fatter? I'd have fun with it if I was him: fat Katie one day, skinny Katie the next: women love mystery, Tommy!
crackbabyjesus
Sweet Panda Love
Posted 6:27 AM 15/4/08
Isn't anorexia usually a way of exerting control over your own life when you have extremely controlling parents? Or barring the parents, controlling celebrity beard husbands?
Sweet Panda Love
Decebal
Posted 7:15 AM 15/4/08
900 calorie a day diet for Posh? What a freaking fairy tale!!!! More like 90 calories a day.
Decebal
CourageousCoward
Posted 7:45 AM 15/4/08
@crackbabyjesus: AWESOME video interview with Jason Beghe regarding what a scam he thinks it is!
+ Watch video
CourageousCoward
Benovite
Posted 8:03 AM 15/4/08
It would be cute if Tom and Posh hit it off and dumped the WBA player. ^_^
Benovite
EuroDad
Posted 10:19 AM 15/4/08
@Benovite:
i was thinking it would be cute if Posh & Katie hit it off and dumped the SAG player :p
EuroDad
StevieRayHalen
Posted 11:22 AM 15/4/08
Katie's thoughts...
*Boy, Posh and Becks have such a cute little boy...so adorable in his big boy suit...oh shit that's Tom. ... God i'm fucking starved...*
StevieRayHalen
VoxPopuli
Posted 12:22 PM 15/4/08
But if he wants to be her lover, he's gotta get with her friends. Oh wait, that's right ... he doesn't. Never mind then.
VoxPopuli
fishwife
Posted 9:37 PM 15/4/08
Maybe she could just make everyone happy and eat Tom?
fishwife
spanktastic
Posted 1:37 AM 16/4/08
Tastes just like chicken.
spanktastic
Benovite
Posted 1:58 AM 16/4/08
@EuroDad: I could see that.
Benovite
FlangeSqueal
Posted 9:57 AM 16/4/08
FlangeSqueal