Big Brother 2008 Launch – Live Blog

Here we are, folks. It is time to live blog the hideousness/wonderfulness of this evening’s Big Brother launch. I’ll be doing this in the first person as, quite frankly, I can’t be buggered with the trouble of wrangling tenses.

Onwards, after the jump!

7.04pm - Kyle and Jackie O arrive on stage. Kyle looks nervous, his eye twitching as he welcomes the nation to this year’s show. Jackie O shares an amazing anecdote – “I always try to pick the winner, but I never do!” – hahahahaha that’ll happen, Jackie, you crazy bitch!

7.10pm - We are shown some footage of the house, well, actually just the yard. It appears to be a backpackers wet dream, with a Kombi and more Australiana rubbish than a souvenir store at Circular Quay. The pool is tiny, which will put a stop to lap swimming for all but the midget.

7.13pm - We talk to first housemate, the older Pauline Hanson-loving Terri. She admits she listens to Kyle and Jackie O, which speaks volumes. She has to put a precious memento into a cabinet for some reason which will no doubt be later explained on the show. She offers up a doll her grandfather found on a beach. Yes.

7.17pm - Saxon appears on screen. Lucky Gretel’s not hosting this year as old habits die hard. Saxon puts a gold necklace his parents gave him into the Mystery Cabinet.

“Are you close to your parents?”

“Well they gave me a gold necklace, didn’t they?”

WANKER!

7.23pm – Saxon, he of the hideous Igor-esque hair, enters the Big Brother house. He says he “can’t wait to get started” – what, on the nanna who’s already in there? I suppose if you’re a UFO enthusiast, you need to take what you can get.

7.25pm - Jackie is back on screen, and asks “Hey, what happened, you guys?” as she was busy walking toward the stage when we viewers saw Saxon meet (and compare muscles) with Terri. Listen, Jackie – you are no longer a viewer! Keep up, or go home!

7.27pm – We see more of the house. There’s one giant bed (sex on!) and a conveyer belt where housemates will have to “catch” their food. Kyle later says “It’s just like prison!” – what kind of wet dreams about prison are you having, Kyle?

7.30pm - Two mega breasts are on the screen. I think they’re called Bianca. They like to read Plato.

7.31pm - Bianca arrives on the stage. Jackie, in her best Kerry O’Brien voice, pipes up “Let me pick up on something you were talking about there. You’ve got a big chest.” Indeed. Her microphone has nearly disappeared in her cleavage. Kyle asks if she’s planning on doing some sunbaking. HAHAHA GET IT, SHE HAS MAD CANS. Don’t treat her like a sex object, Kyle. She carries around Plato, for fucks sake. One day she may even read it.

7.32pm - We cross to the house. Terri is enthusing about life on other planets – things are going swimmingly, romance wise, between Saxon and the granny! But wait! Here comes Bianca, and down go Saxon’s eyes from her smug face to her gravity defying norgs. Hot tip, Saxon – shut the fuck up about the UFOs if you hope to make any headway whatsoever with her.

7.36pm - We see Terri and Saxon in the backyard again.

Saxon: “Maybe this is the make out van?”

Terri: “Yeah, there’s not gonna be any making out, I can tell you that now.”

SHOT DOWN!

7.38pm – Please stop going on about Nobby, the new spunky poker playing non-Asian stereotype, jizzing into his precious towel.

7.40pm - Nobby enters the house. Terri is no doubt going to be welcoming.

7.42pm - We meet Katie from Series Six’s doppelganger, the borderline retarded Brigitte. “How are you feeling?” asks Kyle. Brigitte (pronounced “Bridget”?) grunts in response. Kyle makes a sleazy comment. It appears Kyle making inappropriate remarks about boobs and nakedness to young women will be a continuing theme this year. Tamara Jaber will be stoked.

7.49pm - Jackie reveals the housemates will be sleeping in the backyard tonight. Ho, ho! Brigitte walks into the backyard. Saxon cracks a hard on, Nobby makes his move, and Bianca looks furious at being upstaged.

7.51pm - We meet “Doc” Alice, the vet. There is a nice still on the screen of Alice elbow deep up a cow’s jacksie. Excellent.

7.55pm – TRAVIS IS A GENIUS. Also, even though his voice is reminiscent of Mariah Carey’s higher register, his laugh is deep. Weird. His “precious thing” is a copy of the Bible. Ooooooookay.

7.59pm – We cut to the house.

Brigitte: “Is this not real grass?”
Bianca: (disdainfully) “It’s Astroturf.”

Gripping.

8.03pm – Alice and Travis are about to enter the house. We learn Travis is afraid of the dark – and now his precious Bible has been taken from him, The Jesus can bring him no comfort!

8.04pm – As I am in Sydney, I am watching Big Brother with a couple of friends, and texting other folk in Melbourne frantically. I may pop up some of the text comments/real life asides on here. Like…

Me: I think Travis is missing a chromosome.
Marieke: There is… there’s something wrong with him.
Me: This is some fucked up shit.

But Lee texts us and declares she thinks he’s a stooge.

Lee: They are making too much of a big deal about Travis’ voice for it to be real. The one to watch.

POSSIBLY.

8.07pm - We meet Rory. It’s like Todd from Series One and Paul from Series Three had sex and produced a poorly goateed child.

8.11pm - Housemate number nine, Renee, is on our screens. She plays rugby (my gay hair-dar goes off…), works in an abattoir, and hates girly girls. It’s obvious Jackie O finds her repellent.

Two favourite quotes from Renee’s brief time on stage?

“It only just hit me when I seen me on the screen!”

“I like frogs, it’s me favourite colour.”

She’s either kill Terri, or be her best mate.

8.19pm - We meet tiny belly dancing married lady Rima. Jackie O introduces her onto the stage with the words “She’s a feisty little thing” – patronising, much? Rima manages to swear within forty seconds of being on screen (”Are you excited?” “FUCK YEAH!”) Everyone loves her. Kyle is so fucking creepy, he keeps trying to make her pash her husband on stage. God, he’s revolting.

8.20pm Kyle is offensive toward Rima. She takes no shit. We love her!

8.23pm - Rory and Brigitte are bent over so the next person to walk in the house is immediately greeted with the sight of their arses. And as Rima is literally at arse-height, Big Brother wisely makes them stand up and walk away before Australia’s Favourite Wee Person enters the compound.

8.27pm - Cut to Rima chatting to Terri in the backyard.

Terri: “They’ve got a toilet in there that’s a bit big for you. They’ll probably give you a step.”

AMAZING.

8.31pm – “Getting head from a boy was probably the highlight of my life” – there is a chance I misheard Ben, the ridiculously preppy smarmy fellow who is entering the house as “The Intellectual” (doesn’t he know Bianca’s breasts read Proust or some shit?). But we don’t think so.

Ben: “Unlike most Australian males, I like to keep my shirt on.”

Me & Marieke: (simultaneously) “Back acne.”

8.35pm: Dixie is now on stage. She hasn’t had a boyfriend, we discover! Kyle feels the need to probe this further – has she been romantic? Yes, yes she has. So she loves a root then. Good for her.

8.38pm - Rory needs to be washed and disinfected. Immediately.

8.39pm - Dixie and Renee know each other in real life, and embrace heartily when Dixie enters the house. Hurrah! I like them. Not as much as Rima, but still.

8.44pm - Fitness freak, hygiene enthusiast, and skimpy barmaid Rebecca enters our consciousness. Kyle will undoubtedly say something offensive any second… No, wait! He’s resisted temptation! Miracles do happen!

8.48pm - David is buff, a fireman, an ex-cult member, and my future husband. JUST KIDDING. But he does seem lovely enough. The bitches will go wild for him in the house. Even Jackie O has the horn for him. His precious memento is a Rabbitohs jersey. This makes the crowd boo loudly. But Pauline Hanson-loving gets cheers! That’s Queensland for you.

8.55pm - David and Rebecca are about to enter the house. Right before they go inside, we discover David loves gossip mags, bless him. We see Renee talking to Nobby – he says “So you don’t have a boyfriend?” and she replies “No, no… just someone who has been messing with my head.” Once again, I hear Indigo Girls in the distance. David and Rebecca walk into the backyard – Rory introduces himself to Rebecca as “Brett”. This is his attempt at hilarity. What a dick! WASH, YOU FUCKER! The girls seem mildly interested in David, Ben looks disappointed at having some competition.

8.58pm – Big Brother informs the housemates that there will be an eviction “earlier” than ever before in the program’s history. Travis asks “Are we all getting evicted?”, god love him. No, instead – the housemates are told that there will be a “snap eviction” tomorrow, and until the housemates boot one of their own out of the competition, they will be locked out of the house. OH MY GOD. This is the first of “many snap evictions”, says Big Brother. OH MY GOD x 2!

There we have it, gang. We’ve gotten through the launch, I’ve attempted to live blog this entire event in a coherent manner without typing LOL once (did I manage that? I should proof read before hitting publish, shouldn’t I?), and fingers crossed the spelling isn’t too fruity in the mad rush to get thoughts down before a new freak appeared on the screen.

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