Australia’s Next Top Model 4 Round-Up: Arse-tronauts & New Scientists

GAME ON MOLES! After roughly 365 days of breathless anticipation, another Cycle of Australia’s Next Top Model has rolled around, and it couldn’t come soon enough – and, we are happy to report, Cycle Four looks set to be as good as ever.

Each week we will bring you our personal highlights from each episode, quotable quotes, commentary, criticism and plenty of Johdi-isms. All this will happen after the jump out of courtesy for those who set the tape but for some RIDICULOUS reason have not watched yet.

So, moles, head over the jump for our round up of Episode One, Cycle Four…Okay, since this is Episode One, we’ll give you our thoughts on all the girls and then an episode rundown. (You can see their photos and vital stats at the official site.) First things first, though:

Alexandra: falling asleep under her oh-so-smart paperback, deserved to be LOLcatted: OH HAI U LYK MAH KAFKA BOOK? I ARE SERIOSE MODLE! Tiresome, up herself, and no reason to think she’s such hot shit other than a reasonably good haircut. To paraphrase Carrie Fisher in When Harry Met Sally, we do have a problem with chins.

Emma: like a beautiful Big M Girl from 1974, we just wish she would believe in herself and look a little more lively in photos.

Leiden: we particularly enjoyed the captioned juxtaposition of “UNEMPLOYED” over introductory footage of Leiden belching, but she is BEAUTIFUL and definitely one to watch.

Samantha: okaaaayyy, pretty eyes, but really she’s just this year’s “interesting” one. At least she’s more interesting than Hiraanthi.

Alamela: we died at the shot of weirdy Byron Babe Alamela stretching her neck like the alien at the end of Close Encounters while in the holding pen; she’s quite lovely but is really hanging for makeover week with that daggy bob and LiveColour auburn.

Jamie – this year’s Steph F, very Nice™ and gorgeous but perhaps won’t translate to “editorial” just yet.

Caris: DIVINE. We love her braces, we love her look, we love her. Next!

Belinda: ditto, amazing, such a total dork but so incredible in front of the camera.

Demelza: this year’s Steph H, pretty but boring and likely to be adored by the judges.

Rebecca: could do great things but has a tendency to look bored in photos.

Alyce: we’re not really sure why the judges are going ‘nanas for her; this could be a repeat of Cycle One’s Gemma Sanderson effect.

Kristy: should be providing “The Sam Factor” since she’s modelled a fair bit but is instead oddly nothing.

Kamilla: does the vacant, beautiful skeleton thing very well – and not much else. BUH BYE! (Eliminated)

As for the episode itself, really all we have to say is WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH JONATHON PEASE? Not only is he a knob, but there was a distinct undercurrent of racism in the challenge sequence: he assigned Rebecca the role of “jungle girl”, and Polish-born Kamilla “Russian spy”. Um, Peasey, Russia is not the same as Poland LOL!

And finally, our favourite bit: QUOTE TIME!

Alyce, on Rebecca’s reaction to entering the house: “It was crazy. She always screams, so it was heaps exciting.”

Jodhi: “Alamela just has… a really interesting beingness.”

Charlotte: “Killer. Victoria Secrets.”

Alexandra, on what makes her a better model than Samantha: “I’m whiter.”

Alex Perry, looking as white as Alexandra: “I found it quite disturbing that she was so into Josh Goot.”

Jonathon, disappointed with one girl’s performance: “I can’t stick my hand up the back of her and make it happen!”

Jonathon on Demelza: “Astronaut? Arse-tronaut.”

Alamela, bored with the antics of ‘The Three Bitchcateers’ (aka Bec, Alyce and Demelza): “I’d rather read New Scientist.”

Leiden, after the Vogue Online shoot: “I think I gunned that photoshoot! I showed all those long-hair bitches! I’m in the game nooow!”

Alexandra, assessing her competition: “Kristy has great bone cheeks.”

Alex Perry to Rebecca: “You’ve got this Pol Pot position and you’re not doing anything with it.”

We think he meant pole position – and we can’t wait for Episode Two. See you next week, moles!

As ever, Defamer Australia welcomes your input – do you know one of the Next Top Models? Any insider goss? Hit us up on tips AT defamer.com.au! Please note, however, that spoilers will not only be trashed, we will appear in your living room in a puff of smoke and kill everyone that’s dear to you if you try to spoil the ending. Otherwise, play on!