Wednesday, April 30, 2008
The Force Is Strong In This Nerd Screaming At Briefcases
11:00AM Seth | We think we have a worthy successor to the Star Wars Holiday Special for the most blasphemous use of the property, like, ever. That said, that Darth Banker’s a hard-arse, isn’t he? $49,000? But there’s five large amounts still left in play—including the million! [Deal or No Deal] “Organizers of a major California music festival are offering a $10,000 reward and four festival tickets for life in exchange for ex-Pink Floyd frontman Roger Waters’ two-story inflatable pig.” [Reuters] David Blaine will try to break the 17-minute world record for breath holding on The Oprah Winfrey Show, which is fine and all, but it’s no Criss Angel mindfreaking her brains out. [AP] Her new six-hour-a-day workout regimen sometimes requires that Britney Spears walk around the gym wearing nothing but a towel. [Daily Mail] Paramount takes a heavy swig of the Blu-Ray Kool-Aid (which, oddly enough, tastes like raspberry with a slightly bitter after-taste). [THR] More »
Teenagers Fuck (And Other Lessons From The Miley Cyrus Debacle)
10:00AM Defamer Hollywood | We’re so confused. An extra day’s digestion of the Miley Cyrus/Vanity Fair photo “scandal” hasn’t cleared much up for us in the way of morals, betrayals, exploitations and career management of the young Hannah Montana star, but the public meltdown has alerted us to a more basic truth that is helping guide us through the fog of outrage. This isn’t about Miley Cyrus without a shirt on or if she’s been seen somewhere in her lingerie, or if her father dropped the ball. It’s simpler than any of that; this whole thing comes down to picture of a 15-year-old looking like she just got the shit fucked out of her. And if there’s anything America loves more than a war, it’s teenagers fucking.
Amy Winehouse Round-Up: Good On You, Mum
9:37AM Clem Bastow | Word on the streets is that Winegums has finally given up on the master of the crypt, her husband Blake Fielder-Civil, and has been gallivanting around town with a young buck called Alex. And he’s only the latest in young squires, including Good Blake, Mark Ronson and a variety of other plus-ones.
Winegums herself, however, has been quick to deny that her marriage is over – which is a different song to the one being sung by mum Janis!
Janis Winehouse told The Sunday Mirror: “I’d spoken to Alex a couple of times over the phone, but this was the first time I’d actually met him.
“He’s a lovely boy – gentle and sweet. He really looked after Amy popping out to buy cigarettes, papers, anything she wanted.
“He works for her manager so their relationship was professional to begin with but if they’ve made something of it, I’m thrilled.
“Blake has sent her down the wrong path – drugs and self-harm. She needs a man she can depend on, who can look after her.
“I’m praying Alex is that man.”
While we wholeheartedly support Janis’ motion, doesn’t she know that when it comes to children like Amy, reverse psychology is the best tactic?
She should release a presser stating how much she likes Blake, and how handsome and funny he is, and how she can’t wait to see them both swathed in baby’s breath and white satin at their big, expensive vow renewal ceremony when he gets out of jail, and how they can even come and live with her, FOREVER.
That ought to sort things out. More » 
Sam Newman’s Feminist Credentials Skyrocket
9:23AM Clem Bastow | As if we didn’t already have a bucketload of reasons to love Sam Newman, he continues to impress with his neanderthal Footy Show antics (and for those who think the use of “neanderthal” and “footy show” is tautological, it ain’t necessarily so; On The Couch and Before The Game both manage to be free of gender bias and idiocy – well, apart from Peter Helliar in the latter category).
The Nine switchboard has been lighting up with complaints, and rightly so, since Newman carried out another of his “hilarious” gags, feeling up a mannequin dressed to look like AFL journo Caroline Wilson.
Comedy platinum, Sam.
Using a staple gun, Newman fastened a picture of Age journalist Caroline Wilson to the mannequin’s head.
The dummy was clothed in a satin bra and underpants.
“I tell you what, she’s a fair piece, Caro,” he said over the chosen soundtrack, She’s a Lady by Tom Jones.
More » 
Who Knew Melbourne’s Taxi Drivers Were Such A Sexy Bunch?
9:13AM Clem Bastow | We should preface this piece by making it clear we support the Melbourne cabbies’ protest and think that taxi drivers really get a bum deal these days (excluding the ones who actually don’t know where anything is/have the heater on 43 degrees and windows up/smell like Don Skinless Franks).
However, we couldn’t help but laugh in a somewhat bemused fashion at the following highlights from this morning’s reportage of the cabbie strike in Melbourne’s CBD. We’ve underlined the best bits, just in case you miss them in your first scan:
Taxi drivers blockading a major intersection in Melbourne’s CBD have started to remove their clothing and have released their demands, saying they will not move until authorities meet with them.
Several hundred drivers are sitting and standing in a circle around the intersection of Flinders and Swanston Streets in central Melbourne, holding up placards and protesting against violence and abuse of taxi drivers.
The protest started yesterday evening and has continued overnight. One of the organisers, Indian-born taxi driver Jazz Randyboy, said the protest had been peaceful.
We bet it’s been peaceful, Mr Randyboy – and sexual.
Seriously, is this a hack? Why are they stripping? Are they protesting by unleashing such a torrent of taxi-bound sensuality that the CBD grinds to an orgasmic halt, thereby greatly reducing productivity and sending the economy into a tailspin?
For god’s sake someone tell us what is going on!
UPDATE!!
Are you ready for this jelly? The Age has a photo of the bare-chested cabbies’ protest. Over the jump for all the righteous sexy you can handle! More » 
Amy Smart’s Nipple Tape Only the Second Most Compelling Thing About ‘Crank 2′
9:00AM Defamer Hollywood | The Internet is celebrating Monday’s first day of shooting on Crank 2: High Voltage the only way it really knows how: by circulating topless shots of co-star Amy Smart on location. Already knowing the plot (Jason Statham jams all over town to keep his artificial ticker above a lethal heart rate) and its general means of execution (public sex between Statham and Smart, for starters), we now have only the remaining mystery of how and exactly why Smart is bumming around the set with gaffer’s tape on her nipples. After the jump, we think we may have discovered the root of her modesty. More »
Jim Carrey Embraces South Beach Lifestyle
8:45AM Seth | Here’s a first glimpse at Jim Carrey on the set of I Love You Phillip Morris (from the team who wrote Bad Santa, the movie is based on a true gay prison love story and was pitched as Catch Me If You Can meets Brokeback Mountain), in which Carrey’s character appears to have been vomited upon by a Versace Medusa logo. It also features him grabbing a generous handful of actor Rodrigo Santoro, who was required to butch things up significantly since playing 300’s chainmail-swimwear-fetishist Xerxes. [Photo Credit: Splash News] Actor Jim Carrey dons white jeans, fake tan, and a tight T-shirt for ‘gay’ film role [DailyMail.co.uk] More »
Gwyneth Paltrow Gives David Letterman’s Knee A Sensual Rubdown
8:30AM Mark Graham | Gwyneth Paltrow’s bid to reestablish herself both as a commercially viable actress and a MILF-y sexpot reached new heights last night on The Late Show With David Letterman. After running into the Ed Sullivan theatre looking like she just got done with a spinning class at the Equinox Gym, she entered David Letterman’s notoriously chilly environs wearing a sleeveless top that was scantily cut down to there. After dispensing with the formalities (Dave complimented her towering heels, asked how the kids were, blah blah blah), Gwyneth launched into a story about how she had trouble performing a certain scene while filming Iron Man because she had recently injured her knee. While Dave feigned interest in the story of her damaged joint, Gwynnie recognised his lack of interest and decided to do something about it. Namely, she gave his knee (and a bit of his thigh) a nice little rubdown. While we can spout off a number of instances over the years where Dave has been kissed, hugged and even flashed by his guests, we believe this is the first time a guest has ever dared touch Dave’s leg for this length of time. More pix of Gwyneth, including the lacy see-through getup she wore to an Iron Man screening last night, after the jump. More »
