· We think we have a worthy successor to the Star Wars Holiday Special for the most blasphemous use of the property, like, ever. That said, that Darth Banker's a hard-arse, isn't he? $49,000? But there's five large amounts still left in play—including the million! [Deal or No Deal]
· "Organizers of a major California music festival are offering a $10,000 reward and four festival tickets for life in exchange for ex-Pink Floyd frontman Roger Waters' two-story inflatable pig." [Reuters]
· David Blaine will try to break the 17-minute world record for breath holding on The Oprah Winfrey Show, which is fine and all, but it's no Criss Angel mindfreaking her brains out. [AP]
· Her new six-hour-a-day workout regimen sometimes requires that Britney Spears walk around the gym wearing nothing but a towel. [Daily Mail]
· Paramount takes a heavy swig of the Blu-Ray Kool-Aid (which, oddly enough, tastes like raspberry with a slightly bitter after-taste). [THR]

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We're so confused. An extra day's digestion of the Miley Cyrus/Vanity Fair photo "scandal" hasn't cleared much up for us in the way of morals, betrayals, exploitations and career management of the young Hannah Montana star, but the public meltdown has alerted us to a more basic truth that is helping guide us through the fog of outrage. This isn't about Miley Cyrus without a shirt on or if she's been seen somewhere in her lingerie, or if her father dropped the ball.

It's simpler than any of that; this whole thing comes down to picture of a 15-year-old looking like she just got the shit fucked out of her. And if there's anything America loves more than a war, it's teenagers fucking.

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Word on the streets is that Winegums has finally given up on the master of the crypt, her husband Blake Fielder-Civil, and has been gallivanting around town with a young buck called Alex. And he's only the latest in young squires, including Good Blake, Mark Ronson and a variety of other plus-ones.

Winegums herself, however, has been quick to deny that her marriage is over - which is a different song to the one being sung by mum Janis!

Janis Winehouse told The Sunday Mirror: "I'd spoken to Alex a couple of times over the phone, but this was the first time I'd actually met him.

"He's a lovely boy - gentle and sweet. He really looked after Amy popping out to buy cigarettes, papers, anything she wanted.

"He works for her manager so their relationship was professional to begin with but if they've made something of it, I'm thrilled.

"Blake has sent her down the wrong path - drugs and self-harm. She needs a man she can depend on, who can look after her.

"I'm praying Alex is that man."

She should release a presser stating how much she likes Blake, and how handsome and funny he is, and how she can't wait to see them both swathed in baby's breath and white satin at their big, expensive vow renewal ceremony when he gets out of jail, and how they can even come and live with her, FOREVER.

That ought to sort things out.

As if we didn't already have a bucketload of reasons to love Sam Newman, he continues to impress with his neanderthal Footy Show antics (and for those who think the use of "neanderthal" and "footy show" is tautological, it ain't necessarily so; On The Couch and Before The Game both manage to be free of gender bias and idiocy - well, apart from Peter Helliar in the latter category).

The Nine switchboard has been lighting up with complaints, and rightly so, since Newman carried out another of his "hilarious" gags, feeling up a mannequin dressed to look like AFL journo Caroline Wilson.

Comedy platinum, Sam.

Using a staple gun, Newman fastened a picture of Age journalist Caroline Wilson to the mannequin's head.

The dummy was clothed in a satin bra and underpants.

"I tell you what, she's a fair piece, Caro," he said over the chosen soundtrack, She's a Lady by Tom Jones.

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We should preface this piece by making it clear we support the Melbourne cabbies' protest and think that taxi drivers really get a bum deal these days (excluding the ones who actually don't know where anything is/have the heater on 43 degrees and windows up/smell like Don Skinless Franks).

However, we couldn't help but laugh in a somewhat bemused fashion at the following highlights from this morning's reportage of the cabbie strike in Melbourne's CBD. We've underlined the best bits, just in case you miss them in your first scan:

Taxi drivers blockading a major intersection in Melbourne's CBD have started to remove their clothing and have released their demands, saying they will not move until authorities meet with them.

Several hundred drivers are sitting and standing in a circle around the intersection of Flinders and Swanston Streets in central Melbourne, holding up placards and protesting against violence and abuse of taxi drivers.

The protest started yesterday evening and has continued overnight. One of the organisers, Indian-born taxi driver Jazz Randyboy, said the protest had been peaceful.

Seriously, is this a hack? Why are they stripping? Are they protesting by unleashing such a torrent of taxi-bound sensuality that the CBD grinds to an orgasmic halt, thereby greatly reducing productivity and sending the economy into a tailspin?

For god's sake someone tell us what is going on!

UPDATE!!

Are you ready for this jelly? The Age has a photo of the bare-chested cabbies' protest. Over the jump for all the righteous sexy you can handle!

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The Internet is celebrating Monday's first day of shooting on Crank 2: High Voltage the only way it really knows how: by circulating topless shots of co-star Amy Smart on location. Already knowing the plot (Jason Statham jams all over town to keep his artificial ticker above a lethal heart rate) and its general means of execution (public sex between Statham and Smart, for starters), we now have only the remaining mystery of how and exactly why Smart is bumming around the set with gaffer's tape on her nipples. After the jump, we think we may have discovered the root of her modesty.

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Here's a first glimpse at Jim Carrey on the set of I Love You Phillip Morris (from the team who wrote Bad Santa, the movie is based on a true gay prison love story and was pitched as Catch Me If You Can meets Brokeback Mountain), in which Carrey's character appears to have been vomited upon by a Versace Medusa logo. It also features him grabbing a generous handful of actor Rodrigo Santoro, who was required to butch things up significantly since playing 300's chainmail-swimwear-fetishist Xerxes.

[Photo Credit: Splash News]

• Actor Jim Carrey dons white jeans, fake tan, and a tight T-shirt for 'gay' film role [DailyMail.co.uk]

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Gwyneth Paltrow's bid to reestablish herself both as a commercially viable actress and a MILF-y sexpot reached new heights last night on The Late Show With David Letterman. After running into the Ed Sullivan theatre looking like she just got done with a spinning class at the Equinox Gym, she entered David Letterman's notoriously chilly environs wearing a sleeveless top that was scantily cut down to there. After dispensing with the formalities (Dave complimented her towering heels, asked how the kids were, blah blah blah), Gwyneth launched into a story about how she had trouble performing a certain scene while filming Iron Man because she had recently injured her knee.

While Dave feigned interest in the story of her damaged joint, Gwynnie recognised his lack of interest and decided to do something about it. Namely, she gave his knee (and a bit of his thigh) a nice little rubdown. While we can spout off a number of instances over the years where Dave has been kissed, hugged and even flashed by his guests, we believe this is the first time a guest has ever dared touch Dave's leg for this length of time. More pix of Gwyneth, including the lacy see-through getup she wore to an Iron Man screening last night, after the jump.

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Clearly committed to the same, ridiculous hairstyling tactics that helped to win Javier Bardem an Academy Award for No Country For Old Men, the Coen brothers put the supporting pretty-boy superstar of their next effort, the Venice Film Fest-opening Burn After Reading, in a License to Drive-era Haimdo. The wardrobe choice is guaranteed to lend even further realism to Brad Pitt's already brilliantly realised performance as a dimwitted gym employee. After the jump, via firstshowing.net, are your first looks at Pitt's Burn co-stars, George Clooney, Tilda Swinton, and John Malkovich, plus a plot synopsis for the spoiler-resilient:

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Unless you're a fan of both mixed martial arts and directors who employ frenetic quick cuts as a means to hide razor-thin plots, you've probably never heard of Sean Faris, the 28-year-old star of this spring's Never Back Down. Seems as if Sean is conscious of this fact and, like any other enterprising young actor trying to make a name in Hollywood, he's actively taking steps to change that. You know, get out on the town, do a little presenter work at the Young Hollywood Awards, network a little. However, all of his good intentions went astray at the end of the evening when he made the all too common mistake on hitting on one of the other presenters. Usually, this would be a "no harm / no foul" kind of situation; however, in this instance, the presenter he was hitting on was 12-year-old Abigail Breslin and the incident was captured by the all-seeing, all-knowing eye of Harvey Levin.

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It's taken us most of the day to make heads and/or tails of this video for "Falling Down," the first single from Scarlett Johansson's album of Tom Waits covers. But as far as unintentional A-list homages to the meandering road-life videos of the '80s go (remember "Kyrie"? No? OK, well, here), we have seen much worse. As intentional A-list homages to meandering, gravel-throated rock legends go, however, Johansson has her work cut out for her. By the time she gets around to her follow up, we're sure she'll have the earnestness bug licked and her ironic prime sprawling before her. Our money is on a full-length tribute to James Brown, but really, anything funkier than Tom Waits would probably do just as well.

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For groupies for whom semi-regular MySpace blogspot postings offer not nearly a wide enough window inside the constantly churning, impossibly creative mind of Diablo Cody, exciting news indeed: the Oscar-winning Juno screenwriter and former Lady of the Pole™ has started a Twitter account! In just a little over a month, her follower fanbase has ballooned to 68 and counting, inspiring the most recent update, "Now that all these folks are following me, I'm tempted to be super obscene."

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While we wait for Paul Thomas Anderson to reissue a There Will Be Blood DVD edition that his masterpiece and its fans deserve, we can take comfort in the imagination of said fans around the Internet. We've learned that today, for example, is the first-ever International Talk Like Daniel Plainview Day, honouring Anderson and Daniel Day-Lewis's eminently quotable anti-hero for the ages. "If you've ever heard about 'Talk Like A Pirate Day,' this is essentially in the same vein," write organisers Harrison Simon and Donald Polaski. "Also, do your best to drink a milkshake, preferably someone else's." Some sample quotes follow, but we will probably default to taking our dates to the Peach Tree Dance. I said, get liquored up and take 'em to the Peach Tree Dance! Bastard in a basket! I'm finished. [Facebook]

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If a single, still image of Tom Cruise's reunion with Oprah Winfrey was enough to get our salivary glands going overtime, a video promo of Friday's history-making interview would almost certainly require us to surrender all control over bodily functions and social decorum. And so it went, our pulse quickening and pants filling with each progressively teased hardball: "Do you feel you've been misunderstood?" (Prediction: "No.") "How's Kate's family accepting you?" ("Great!") "True, not true?" ("True! No—wait! Not true!") "Do you regret saying that?" ("Regret is a suppressive emotion.) "This is to clear up everything." ("I'm already clear.") Just three more days!

• Oprah.com

As we write this, recent CSI casualty Gary Dourdan is likely recovering from an even gnarlier Coachella hangover than most: TMZ reports the actor was discovered by Palm Springs police asleep in his car at 5:21 a.m., upon which he was arrested on "suspicion of possession of heroin, cocaine, ecstasy and prescription drugs," otherwise known as the bare minimum required to make a Jack Johnson set seem remotely exciting. His genuinely pained mugshot—we seriously can't stare at it for more than a few seconds—is pictured above. Developing...

• "CSI" Star Popped for Heroin, Coke, Ecstasy [TMZ]

· Mel Gibson has signed on for his first acting job since Signs and We Were Soldiers back in 2002. In Edge of Darkness, a feature based on a BBC miniseries from the '80s, he'll play "a straitlaced police investigator whose activist daughter is killed, probably by the Jews." [Variety]
· Could one-half of the lusty network coupling responsible for siring struggling, bastard offspring The CW be missing their former identity? Warner Bros. just launched TheWB.com, where you can catch streamed episodes of old programming and newly launched online series. [Variety]

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Hey, where's Kristin Cavallari? And Jason Wahler? And that one chick with the huge cans? Oh, hi there! In case you hadn't noticed, Molly is out sick today, which leaves your Uncle Grambo the pleasure of being your host for this week's installment of "The Hills: Words Of Wisdom." Truth be told, I have never seen an episode of the show, which leaves me relatively unprepared to contextualise the goings-on of this band of famepires. While I harbour no doubts that a fair number of Defamer readers actually enjoy The Hills (regardless of whether you like it as a show or as a cultural phenomenon), I'm guessing (hoping?) that most of you are not watching this to catch up on the plot summary.

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If your last glimpse of Universal's Land of the Lost movie—featuring Will Ferrell smoking a butt by the La Brea Tar Pits—left you a little underwhelmed, we think this official first leaked image should help ease concerns that a beloved Saturday morning memory of your youth is about to be gang-raped by Hollywood. In it, the part-reptilian/part-insectoid/all-badass Sleestaks of the original are shown to have made the transition to big-screen Ferrell buffoonery largely intact. Director Brad Siberling explains why:

[Silberling] (Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events) says he fought to keep the human shape of the Sleestak from Sid & Marty Krofft's original production, and not give into the urge to render them as spindly computerised beings. [...]

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The Cannes rumour mill is whirring at full speed again today as the trades pick up whispers that the Julianne Moore/Mark Ruffalo drama Blindness is likely to occupy the opening-night slot. The Toronto Star is saying it's a done deal, but it's not official, and we're not so sure; with barely two weeks remaining before the May 14th opener, word over the Defamer transom suggests that Blindness is bad enough to make festival programmers wait — and make distributor Miramax stall — before committing the plum spot to a stinker.

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John Cusack's meander through his second-consecutive anti-war film is coming under heavy fire at the Tribeca Film Festival, where War, Inc. bowed this week to the kinds of reviews that made his previous Iraq entry — the $US50,899-grossing Grace is Gone — positively shine in comparison. While he and his agent sift around for a more reliable rom-com follow-up, our preliminary poke through the wreckage yields yet more smouldering evidence that Iraq is officially over as a dramatic subject. We piece together the eyewitness testimony after the jump:

Cusack, in the latest of a seemingly endless (and psychologically curious) string of hitman roles, plays Hauser, a typically troubled assassin whose inner psyche is so dead that he resorts to downing shot glasses of hot sauce in order to feel anything. His latest mission, at the behest of Tamerlane — a Halliburton-type corporation run by a Dick Cheney-like former vice president (Dan Aykroyd) — is to assassinate a Middle Eastern oil minister named Omar Sharif (an example of the film's humour) who is threatening to undercut their plans to build an oil pipeline in the wartorn country of Turaqistan. — Frank Scheck, The Hollywood Reporter

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Less than two weeks after the close read of Jenna Jameson's mainstream effort Zombie Strippers, we suppose we can call officially call porn crossover a movement. To wit: Word about Steven Soderbergh's forthcoming project The Girlfriend Experience has been circulating for a while now, but Variety confirms today with the added news bonus that the filmmaker could be looking for an "adult film actress" for his lead. Told from the perspective of a $10,000-a-night prostitute, the story is Soderbergh's latest in the minimally-scripted, low-budget series that began in 2005 with Bubble; the title refers to interludes involving kissing and other, more romantic intimacies not generally associated with sex-for-hire.

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