Okay, you clever SATC minxes. Your masterfully executed plan to generate press for The Most Important Movie Of The Year Century has officially come full-circle. First, Kristin Davis just happened to appear all over our computer screens being attacked by a massive Segel, then Cynthia Nixon gave a far more ladylike interview breaking the news of her former struggle with breast cancer. But today, in "Me Too!" attempts to pipe in and get their names in the papers, both Sarah Jessica "Sex Is Icky" Parker and Kim Cattrall are gabbing and blabbing about completely irrelevant and ancient stories about marriage and age-old rumours. But hearing about how SJP's marriage sucks and how Kim likes money don't really compare to inspirational disease fighters and nudie photos. Though, it is shamefully fun to hear Parker tell us once again why being married to Matthew Broderick is like riding "rather treacherous train rides":

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A clever mashup from CollegeHumor.com suggests Christopher Nolan's The Dark Knight—the hotly anticipated, second chapter of his radical re-envisioning of the Batman franchise for Warner Bros.—might be less of a radical re-envisioning than we might have been led to believe. Frankly, they could prove the entire thing was lifted frame-by-frame from an NYU film school thesis project, we wouldn't be any less excited about it. Dark Knight! Whooo! Movie of the summer! The side-by-side "trailers" are after the jump:

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Looks like "we're giving our next album/single away for free" is code for "we haven't made a relevant album in a while and we're worried that we're becoming stale, do you still like us, DO YOU? Here, have it for free!" when it comes to the monsters of rock.

First Radiohead, then Prince, now Coldplay are releasing their next single online and for free. Well, gosh, thanks, guys!

A note posted on www.coldplay.com said that fans can download Violet Hill from the album Viva La Vida or Death And All His Friends free for one week from tomorrow.

The album will be launched in Britain on June 12.

Coldplay also announced two free shows - one at London's Brixton Academy on June 16 and another at Madison Square Garden in New York on June 23.

Really, what all these sales-nervous bands should do is start getting in the crazy sale guy; that'll solve everything. For example:

PONDEROUS ADULT CONTEMPORARY BALLADS, OUT THEY GO!! THESE REFLECTIONS ON A VEGAN LIFESTYLE IN THE HARSH FACE OF STARDOM WILL NEVER BE REPEATED!!

See? They're already flying off the shelves.

Until now, most onlookers have been noting just how much little Lourdes Ciccone Leon looks like her mother, the vitamin-injecting, leg-spreading Madonna. And while she does have her mom's naturally dark hair and piercing eyes, we think the 12-year old mini-Madge looks much more like another pillow-lipped celebrity you may have heard of. Particularly when we place Lourdes' current visage next to the star-in-question's glamour shots when she was just a teenager herself:

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Guy Smiley aka Jack Chambers won So You Think You Can Dance Australia on Sunday night, which didn't really surprise anyone, considering the odds were in his favour, though those who were rooting for runner-up Rhys Bobridge were disappointed there was no shock upset.

We were mildly shocked that hoofer Kate Wormald managed to come third ahead of irrepressible B-girl Demi Sorrono, which indicated that perhaps the voting public had decided to vote for talent before personality.

Suffice to say Jack was probably shocked when Hugh Jackman - who, remember, used to be way into musical theatre; your Associate Editor and her mum saw him in Beauty & The Beast in the '90s and knew he'd be a star - admitted he was a fan of the 19-year-old jazz dancer and vowed to meet him on Broadway.

"The fact that he knew my name just gave me shivers," Chambers said.

"I was just standing there and he looked at me and he goes: 'Jack, congratulations man, you're wonderful', and I'm like, 'oh my God, Thank you'."

Chambers said he was blown away by the comments from Jackman, who won a Tony Award for playing Peter Allen in the Boy From Oz.

"He said: 'I'll guess I'll see you at Broadway some time' and I said: 'Yeah, I love it' and he said: 'I'll see you there'."

Jack Chambers, you're going out there a nobody, but you're coming back in here a star! (Bonus points to the Defamer Australia reader who can spotto that quote.)

And what did we all think of the Dance finale? It started brilliantly; the Matt Lee-choreographed opening number was great, and having all the judges dance was inspired (hello, high-kicking Bonnie!). Tap Dogs for once didn't make us psychotic with rage, and Khaly's robot-costumed "futuristic hip hop" routine was stupid/fun, too.

But then, WTF, the "greatest hits" performances (i.e. "your favourite" couples' routines from the season) were, no jokes, the worst of the series. We knew the selections were a little off when they chose that Marko and Stephanie jive (the Veronicas/1976 punk one) and were just about projectile vomiting when they got the worst performance of all - Rhiannon and JD's botched tango - back for a second chance draw. Fortunately our television set was just saved from getting a brick through it by an encore of Jason Gilkison's brilliant African samba for Henry and Vanessa.

Jack and Rhys' vaguely West Side Story-esque routine pulled it all together at the end (and made us feel a bit funny in the pants), and then The Bass confirmed the franchise would be back for round two next year, so here's hoping all the stuff-ups, dodgy "corrie" and lacklustre atmosphere will have been gotten out of the way and 2009 will go straight to 11.

And next year? No more advertorial from Nacho Pop, please. Just stick to dancing like a robot and stop showing us your wicked fresh Sony Handycam.

Vanity Fair has done it again. In their upcoming issue, famed photographer Annie Leibovitz shot a controversial photo spread featuring Billion Dollar Girl Miley Cyrus, prompting public outrage from the Christian Coalition, Disney and, naturally, the ladies of The View. Leibovitz and VF are being accused of crossing the line between art and pedophilia by shooting Cyrus in what some are calling "topless" photos (shown after the jump). Before the issue has even hit newsstands, Miley has apologised to her fans and Disney, concerned that the spread could affect the Hannah Montana cash cow. But this isn't the first time VF has hired one of their star photographers to use her lens in an effort to reinvent the images of underage starlets by featuring them in a slightly more provocative and mature light...

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At this point in time there's almost no point reminding you what a shit year Channel Nine has had so far - between the bonings, cancellings, court orders, legal disputes, anonymous scandal rags and Eddie McGuire, it's as close to an annus horribilis as one gets without involving the royals.

Well, things just keep getting better - not one but two of their new flagship shows are being booted out of their time-slots, no doubt in order to give them a dignified death out of the glare of prime time.

My Kid's A Star has been all but dumped, with the remaining episodes to be shown at midday on Saturday, instead of at 8pm on Wednesdays.

Meanwhile new drama Canal Road has been shifted back an hour from 9.30pm on Wednesday to make way for Gordon Ramsay's Hell's Kitchen.

Canal Road premiered on April 16, drawing 1.09 million viewers, but that fell last week to 811,000.

My Kid's A Star, featuring young performers and their stage parents, has failed to rate since premiering with just 878,000 viewers earlier this month.

The network on Monday said remaining episodes had been shifted, with the final to air on Saturday May 17.

"The last three episodes will screen Saturdays at midday from this week," a Nine spokeswoman told AAP.

So, for those of you who are keeping score, that's two 'local content' comedies and dramas, and one big-ticket reality/talent show down the gurgler, and we're not even halfway through the year.

At this rate, all Nine has left in the Aus-made basket is more "observational reality" programming (i.e. where they gaffa tape pens into the hands of critically ill in-patients so they can sign their release forms before having a leg removed, etc), Fire 000 and Search And Rescue.

Happy news - or sad news, if you're approximately 13-years-old - from the teen pop fraternity: Lisa "The Veronicas" Origliasso and Dean "Still A Virgin" Geyer have announced their engagement!

Evidently Lisa was tired of taking out stocks in AA batteries the couple are very much in love and despite having put the kybosh on marriage talk only months ago, have decided to take a long walk up a short aisle.

"Dean Geyer and Lisa Origliasso, together with their families, are delighted to announce they are engaged," the statement said.

"The couple have been together since April 2007 and are thrilled to share their news."

Origliasso, 23, and Geyer, 22, met at the ARIA Awards in 2006, when The Veronicas won the best pop release for their debut album The Secret Life Of...

Aww, bless their tiny little hearts. Will Geyer do a backflip in the church after the ceremony? Will sister Jess have to cover up her powerful tatts? Will there be mass hara kiri amongst the Dolly readership? Will the marriage last?

Only time will tell!

Pictured, Harpo Productions released the first promotional image from Oprah Winfrey's much-publicised, two-part interview with Tom Cruise. Shot near the actor's vacation home in Telluride, it shows the two superstars riding a V.I.P. chairlift to the top of Cruise's private peak. (Oprah expressed concern that the only thing supporting her was a "thin metal bar," at which point Cruise wrapped an arm firmly around the talk show host and whispered, "Don't you worry. I got you. I got you tight." That in turn elicited an inexplicable laughing fit from Cruise, leading Winfrey, now afraid for her life, to reluctantly join in.)

Three-quarters of the way up Mt. Hubbard, Cruise signalled to the operator, and the lift came to an abrupt stop; the Valkyrie star then eased himself onto his feet, and, a stunned Winfrey looking on, proceeded to take several flying leaps off the seat, pumping his fist into the frigid Colorado air as he shouted, "This is how I still feel about Kate, Oprah! I'm jumping 2400 feet high! That's how in love with this girl, the mother of my child and wife, now and forever, I truly am!"

The first part of the special airs May 2.

• Oprah's Two-fer With Tom [AccessHollywood.com]

Gwyneth Paltrow has finally explained what recently inspired her to drastically change her uptight, ladylike English countryside demeanour into that of a high-class hooker using flashy props like kinky boots and see-through ass-grazing dresses. You know that standard awkward adolescent phase girls go through in middle school when they start painting on their mom's lipstick and wearing mini-skirts so the boys will notice them? Well, according to a recent interview with British GQ, Gwyneth is officially going through that phase right now: "Paltrow admits she suffers from a lack of confidence...she is desperate to change her public image...'People think I'm aloof, or cold, or that I breathe rarefied air - that's not me'." So what exactly turned the former It Girl into a Debbie Downer?

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As any celebrity knows, the lines dividing fan, superfan, stalker, and murderous stalker are often blurred; one day, you're receiving innocent, screwdriver-and-rock-filled gift bags, card attached reading, "Oh yes, we will be together, you and I. Mark my words," the next you're frantically dialling 911 to report the machete-wielding maniac standing over your bed and screaming something about never having received a thank-you note. Extreme Uma Thurman-enthusiast Jack Jordan, for example—currently on trial for having harassed the actress and her family obsessively for two years—isn't a stalker at all, his lawyer argues. He's merely your garden variety creep:

Jordan, 37, is accused of sending harassing e-mails to Thurman's father and brother, loitering for hours on the steps of Thurman's Manhattan apartment and visiting her trailer on a movie set.

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When news that Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer got together for a "touchy, feely" lunch date and dinner in Miami over the weekend broke, the entire community of celebrity observers and glossy magazine readers let out a big ol' collective yawn. Aniston has been linked to (and we're roughly estimating here) seven hundred or so possible paramours since her split with Brad Pitt, and Mayer has pulled what Liz Phair would call the all-too-common "fuck and run" on so many starlets that he earned Us's "Cad of the Year" award. But just because the gossip is yawnworthy doesn't mean there isn't a larger issue here: mainly, is Aniston really dating or trying to date all these guys-of-the-month, or is this charade her publicist's idea of spinning her post-divorce life into an unglamorous version of Sex And The City?

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· The Coen brothers' Burn After Reading, a "dark spy comedy" starring George Clooney, Brad Pitt, John Malkovich, Frances McDorman, and Tilda Swinton, will open the Venice Film Festival August 27, and open in the U.S. on September 12, whereupon everyone will agree that it lies somewhere between Intolerable Cruelty and No Country For Old Men in quality. [Variety]
· ABC won its 10th consecutive Sunday in a row, thanks to new episodes of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, Desperate Housewives, and Brothers and Sisters. [Variety]
· The Simpsons writers Bill Oakley and Josh Weinstein will executive produce a new animated series for Fox, called Sit Down, Shut Up. Originally written by Arrested Development creator Mitch Hurwitz, it's based on a live-action Australian sitcom, and revolves around "the lives of seven staff members at a dysfunctional high school in a small northeastern fishing town." Oh God, another one?! [Variety]
· THR has had some drastic plastic surgery, and we're having a hard time adjusting. We've never seen them happier, though, so just smile and tell them they look great! [THR]
· 90210 casting confirmation! Living MILF legend Lori Loughlin will play former Olympics cycling champion mum Celia Mills. [THR]

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Sadly, it's time to resign yourself to the fact that you are no longer in the "coolest place on Earth" (i.e. the desert, watching Prince cover Radiohead), and have returned to one of the lesser-cool places on Earth: your office cubicle. We won't even sugarcoat this: Here's the weekend grosses, straight up.

1. Baby Mama - $US18.3 million
Ladies can! Some industry pundits were concerned the sudden ubiquity of Tina Fey could spell disappointment for her latest big screen effort. Audiences, however, proved them wrong, as public interest in the 30 Rock star's useless, T-shaped uterus proved even greater than for Forgetting Sarah Marshall star Jason Segel's lower-case-g-shaped penis.

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Today's beneficiary of grudging Defamer support is David Grant, the former head of Fox Television Studios and plaintiff in a new breach-of-contract lawsuit filed against his former employer. Grant alleges that Fox still owes him a bonus and more from his tenure, which ended in 2004; the amount of the bonus is in question, but thanks to a read-through of Grant's perversely fascinating contract, we now have grounds for our bitter jealousy in writing:

The contract he's suing over covers the years 2001-05. According to the deal, Grant started at an annual salary of $US875,000, which was to increase to $US1,025,000 by his final year, plus a bonus of 25% of his salary for each year Fox TV was profitable (or $112,500 if it didn't make money).

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So we just received an amazing tidbit in the Defamer Australia mailbox.

I was at the party and saw [REDACTED] off his nana - we shared some of his gear. It was a great night of head and butts for all of us. I guess though, technically, he did have his drink spiked. By himself.

No idea who that could be about, but perhaps one or two of you out there can figure it out. Seems like an obscure in-joke to us, but best to post it just in case.

Reminding us of that time a grumpy Sean Connery asked for a commenter invite so he could take issue with our estimation of Harrison Ford, Kirk Douglas took to the LA Times letters section this weekend to protest the paper's recent treatment of "fallen" stars Al Pacino and Robert De Niro. And as far as we're concerned, his exquisitely articulated and defended point is the last word proving that the stars deserve better:

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Red-carpet rookie Scott Feinberg recently hit the Tribeca Film Festival's premiere of the Madonna-produced documentary I Am Because We Are, where his attempt to "question the most popular female music artist of the last thirty years" was met with a classic A-list stonewall. After voluntarily moving to the end of the press line, and after making the least of his audiences with Rosie O'Donnell and Bernadette Peters, and at that first glint of hope that maybe a $15 cab ride and all that waiting might pay off, comes the reality check: "I stick out my handheld recorder and, as she stands before me, ask the one question that I have been plotting for the entire wait—a question that I believe is of rare substance, deliberately flattering, and therefore inviting: 'Madonna! When did you first realise that you could use your celebrity for good, like you have done with this movie?' She heard me over the noise! She pauses for a split second! She opens her mouth to respond! And then... her 'handlers' guide her away." Ha! While it doesn't beat that one time we got called "white trash" at the New York premiere of Lust, Caution, we sympathize. You've gotta pay your dues, kid. [And the Winner Is]

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What would any Coachella festival be without stars of every letter-caste wandering the VIP sections, and perhaps getting mouthy with a security guard who "doesn't care if you're the Queen of England, Mr. Hasselhoff, you're not on Prince's backstage guest list!" A round-up of the celebrity goings on:
· We finally have an answer to the burning question of last week: Hey—what's Sean Penn doing on the Coachella bill? As it turns out, he was not there to shoot some low-budget crowd scenes for Milk, nor was he there, as he joked from the Main Stage yesterday, for an "a cappella cover act of Celine Dion." [Sound of polite audience laughter.] No, he was there for something called the Dirty Hands Caravan, a "biodiesel cross-country bus trip" starting from the concert site and ending in New Orleans on Sunday. The speech, in its entirety, is above—make sure to stick around for the YouTube documentarians' pithy assessment of Penn's oratorical skills. [YouTube, AP]

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We've survived our share of bad movies at film festivals, but nothing quite scrapes the all-time low of Towelhead, the directorial debut of American Beauty/Six Feet Under creator Alan Ball. Upon our viewing of the film (then titled Nothing is Private) at last year's Toronto Film Festival, our disdain for Ball's facile mishmash of pedophilia, racism and "edgy" suburban angst provoked us to level a bounty on the filmmaker's pin head — a bounty we'd like to double after viewing the new trailer. Laugh! at the lukewarm tampon gags. Gasp! at Aaron Eckhart's predatory one-liners. Cry! at Toni Collette's decreasing selectivity. This is but a fleck of the steaming horseshit we expect will bury Warner Independent Pictures in its post-New Line fight for life with corporate cousin Picturehouse, but we still think it merits your suggestions for creative, affordable means of cosmic revenge we might exact in the months ahead.

• Towelhead [Warner Independent]

"What Would NPH Do?" If we have asked ourselves that question once while staring deeply into the eyes of Neil Patrick Harris straddling a unicorn, we have asked it a thousand times. But now, the Shoe Fairy himself has agreed to provide his fans with the answer to that timeless question. Only problem is, he's not quite sure. "I can't decide between crack cocaine and Paris Hilton," he tells Time Out New York. Which is very winky and cute, but Neil shares more than second-rate stand-up bits in this piece. More on his very detailed description of "cans" (that's "boobies" in NPH-speak) and how he feels about jump-starting his comeback by snorting drugs off a strippers arse, after the jump:

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Beyond the boardroom squabbles and oneupsmanship following Paramount's recent break with Showtime, two basic questions remain: Who will actually broadcast the new Paramount Channel? (Answer: Nobody, of course!) And besides its original series like Weeds and Dexter, what will Showtime air once its output deals expire in 2011? Come on — when you think of "corporate rescue," don't you think of Harvey Weinstein?

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More apocalyptic Hollywood strike talk is surfacing this morning, with Variety noting that little progress has been made in the ongoing contract negotiations between SAG and the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers. Shocking! But with one week remaining on their clock before the compliant gang at AFTRA gets their turn to bend over the conference room table for a little rough, residual-based intimacy, time is of the essence for an aggressive union leadership that wants to at least pretend it maintains the upper hand:

Although the guild hasn't set a strike authorisation vote for the 120,000 SAG members yet, the industry continues to fret about a work stoppage. The majors have remained unwilling to commit to starting new feature productions until a SAG deal is in hand — a situation that some in the biz are calling a de facto strike.

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Our dissatisfaction at Friday's news that Guillermo del Toro would inherit the Hobbit reins from Peter Jackson met with a mix of scorn and curiosity over the weekend. "Pony up an alternative, Cochise," wrote a commenter. "Destroy those two GENIUSES and all we will be left with is Lucas and Spielberg. And that is not a world I wish to live in." Us neither! That said, if the Laws of Hollywood Franchises dictate that this goddamned movie must exist, we can think of at least five talented directors off the tops of our heads whom we'd prefer over del Toro, Jackson or any of the other usual fanboy fantasy suspects. Tell us your own ideal hires after the jump.

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